Early Winters Puns

Save them to your Phone and always have witty jokes at the palm of your hand.

3.14 percent of sailors are pi-rates.

5/4 of people admit they’re bad at fractions.

A bartender broke up with her boyfriend, but he kept asking her for another shot.

A brain walks into a bar and takes a seat. “I’d like some wings and a pint of beer, please,” it says. “Sorry, but I can’t serve you,” the bartender replies. “You’re out of your head.”

A cheeseburger walks into a bar. The bartender says, 'Sorry, we don't serve food here.'

A college education now costs $100,000, but it produces three very proud people: the student, his mama, and his pauper.

A couple of cups of yogurt walk into a country club. “We don’t serve your kind here,” the bartender says. “Why not?” one yogurt asks. “We’re cultured.”

A friend of mine didn’t pay his exorcist. He got repossessed.

A friend of mine is known for sweeping girls off their feet. He’s an extremely aggressive janitor.

A guy walks into a bar, and there’s a horse serving drinks. The horse asks, “What are you staring at? Haven’t you ever seen a horse tending bar before?” The guy says, “It’s not that. I just never thought the parrot would sell the place.”

A guy walks into a bar...and he was disqualified from the limbo contest.

A pirate walks into a bar with a paper towel on his head. The bartender says, “What’s with the paper towel?” The pirate says, “Arrr! I’ve got a Bounty on me head!”

A turtle is crossing the road when he’s mugged by two snails. When the police ask him what happened, the shaken turtle replies, “I don’t know. It all happened so fast.”

Armed robbers—some say they’re a drain on society, but you’ve got to give it to them.

Barbers…you have to take your hat off to them.

Can February March? No, but April May!

Cooking out this weekend? Don’t forget the pickle. It’s kind of a big dill.

Dad, can you put my shoes on? No, I don't think they'll fit me.

Dad, can you put the cat out? I didn't know it was on fire.

Dad, did you get a haircut? No, I got them all cut!

Dad: Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? Son: No. What happened? Dad: The teacher woke him up.

Daughter: I have a lot of friends named Nathan. There’s Nathan Miller, Nathan Radcliff, Nathan Lewis… Me: When they are together, do you call them the United Nathans?

Dear Math, grow up and solve your own problems.

Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head!

Did you hear about the aquatic sea mammals that escape

More to come, please share yours as well.

• Have a Nest or other Wi-Fi thermostat? Use the "lock" setting so a pin number is needed to change the temperature. Better yet, Nest has a setting where it only allows for a temperature range if you try to adjust when it's locked. 58-62 in the winter and 80-84 in the summer results in no more touching of the thermostat.
• Order your stuff alongside kids stuff strategically to avoid explaining why you need a new [insert your hobby/gadgets here]. "Honey, what's in the Amazon box?" "Oh, nice, it's the kids new Play-Doh set." [show Play-Doh box, hide new headphones]. Be careful with this one, if you try to order a baseball glove alongside a PS5, the box size may be conspicuous. To reduce the risk when ordering large items, order something for your wife too. "Honey, what's in the Amazon box?" "Oh, nice, it's the kids new Play-Doh set. And... I got you something." [show Play-Doh box, show some perfume/lotion set or stemless wine glasses, hide new 7.2 home audio system]
• Recommend the pizza place or other take out that doesn't deliver. Convince everyone it's the best pizza/food in town. Because how often do you have 30 minutes to yourself? And always leave early when picking up food.

Prune in early spring. Avoid winter cuts as it may not heal well. - Sage advice.

Early September right around sunset.

Me: "Jeez, it's weird to think that in a few months around winter, it'll (would) be pitch black outside."

Dad: "A few months!? It'll be pitch black out in about an hour!"