What do squid say when they smell something gross?

Wow, it really β€œinks” in here πŸ’€

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jen_Klen
πŸ“…︎ May 23 2021
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I work as a tattoo artist in a wellness center making very specific designs and everyone get really surprised when I tell them that I'm also a doctor...

Nobody expects the Spa Niche Ink Physician.

πŸ‘︎ 37
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DandyBeyond
πŸ“…︎ Mar 01 2021
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From my 7 year old - why was the egg covered in ink?

Because it was being ink-cubated

He came up with this one on his own after hearing another one on this sub.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Cryptan
πŸ“…︎ Feb 07 2021
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Massive protest spread across Madrid earlier today to protest the nation's Supreme Court ruling that bans tattoos.

Nobody accepts the Spanish ink decision.

πŸ‘︎ 21
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Somethinggood4
πŸ“…︎ Feb 27 2021
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People are always amazed by the skilled tattoo artists in Spain

Nobody expects the Spanish ink precision

πŸ‘︎ 171
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Gamer_Noob_69
πŸ“…︎ Sep 12 2020
🚨︎ report
I started a pen company

Its called BestPen.INK

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/OshriM
πŸ“…︎ Dec 22 2020
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My friend got pulled over and the cop drew his gun on him!

Luckily the ink washed off after a couple days

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/No_Gray_Area
πŸ“…︎ Oct 31 2020
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I got a pen in Barcelona. It writes so smoothly. I can get the finest lines out of it. Everyone is so surprised by it

Because no one expects the Spanish ink precision!

πŸ‘︎ 576
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ahh-potatoes
πŸ“…︎ Jun 02 2020
🚨︎ report
People at our Christmas party were impressed when I showed off my incredibly detailed tattoo, but they didn't believe me when I tell them I got it done in Madrid.

Nobody expected the Spanish ink precision.

πŸ‘︎ 3k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Dec 25 2019
🚨︎ report
Name for an etsy store

My friends name is Paige. She asked me to help with names for her etsy store to sell paintings, crochet stuff, alcohol ink things, and pottery. Paige despises puns. Please help me with some good pun names for her shop.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/slackgir
πŸ“…︎ Jul 19 2020
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I didn't expect to see that convention of skilled printers in Madrid…

It was a Spanish ink-wiz-isition.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DENelson83
πŸ“…︎ Oct 31 2020
🚨︎ report
What's the relationship between Octopi and Pens?

They have a lot ink-common.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ“…︎ Oct 24 2020
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What do Mike and Sulley fill their pens with?

Monsters Ink

πŸ‘︎ 88
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Datolite7
πŸ“…︎ May 29 2020
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What does Pixar use in their printers?

Monsters Ink

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Pholidotes
πŸ“…︎ Sep 04 2020
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I went out onto the ocean to try and spot some whales

But the ink kept washing away.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Calthropstu
πŸ“…︎ Jul 02 2020
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I was going to get a tattoo in Madrid, but the tattoo artist I wanted to go to got in trouble for making some anti government tattoo art, which was quite a surprise

No one expects the Spanish ink sedition

πŸ‘︎ 82
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πŸ‘€︎ u/allanon101
πŸ“…︎ Dec 31 2019
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Dad jokes at the dinner table
  • Me: Decides to be adventurous at dinner, orders pasta with squid ink
  • My dad: β€œMy dinner is delicious, you should try some”
  • Me: β€œOnly if you try a bite of this pasta, it’s really good too”
  • My dad, who rarely tells jokes, starts smiling: β€œSo you’re suggesting a... squid pro quo?”
πŸ‘︎ 33
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πŸ‘€︎ u/whysomanyemmas
πŸ“…︎ Dec 24 2019
🚨︎ report
Some of the gem's of Steven Wright

The work of Steven Wright, he's the famous Erudite (comic) scientist who once said: "I woke up one morning, and all of my stuff had been stolen and replaced by exact duplicates."

1 Β  - I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

2Β Β  - Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.

3Β Β  - Half the people you know are below average.

4Β Β  - 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

6 Β  - A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

7Β Β  - A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

8 Β  - If you want the rainbow, you have got to put up with the rain.

9 Β  - All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.

10 - The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

11 - I almost had a psychic girlfriend, ...... But she left me before we met.

12 - OK, so what's the speed of dark?

13 - How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

14 - If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

15 - Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

16 - When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

17 - Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

18 - Hard work pays off in the future; laziness pays off now.

19 - I intend to live forever... So far, so good.

21 - Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

22 - What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

23 - My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."

24 - Why do psychics have to ask you for your name.

25 - If at first, you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

26 - A conclusion is a place where you got tired of thinking.

27 - Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

28 - The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

29 - To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

30 - The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

31 - The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

32 - The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.

33 - Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film.

34 - If at first, you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

35 - If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?

πŸ‘︎ 21
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ksbalaji
πŸ“…︎ Jan 30 2020
🚨︎ report
What does mike wazowski write with?

Monster's ink

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CoolBoi82
πŸ“…︎ Nov 04 2019
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Teacher: β€œTrue or False? The Declaration of Independence was written in Philadelphia.”

Student: β€œFalse. It was written in ink.”

πŸ‘︎ 41
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RobRoy333
πŸ“…︎ Jul 04 2019
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Whenever I tell my friends that I got my incredibly detailed tattoos in Barcelona, they seem surprised.

Nobody expects the Spanish ink precision.

πŸ‘︎ 193
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Aug 09 2018
🚨︎ report
What do you call a machine that can read books and make reviews about them, but sadly can only detect red font?

An InkRedible machine

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ“…︎ Nov 16 2019
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A new study is showing surprising advances in primate evolution: Dr. Thomas Ink, a researcher in southern Africa has found certain groups of apes 'brewing' alcohol by leaving old fruit to stand in water pools then drinking from it and becoming inebriated.

Dr. Ink has dubbed these 'Monkey Bars'.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/pparten
πŸ“…︎ Nov 04 2019
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Why did the pen disappear?

Because the ink ran out

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/aultus
πŸ“…︎ Aug 02 2019
🚨︎ report
A police officer walks into a tattoo parlor

A police officer walks into a tattoo parlor, hoping to get something cool drawn onto his shoulder. He walks up to the artist and shows him a picture of what he wants. In large text on a ribbon it says, "Protect and Serve." Below it, is a picture of a a badge, a pair of handcuffs, and a pistol. The tattoo artist is very good at his job, and says he can get this done in one session, so the officer sits down and the artist gets started. A few hours later, the artist is just finishing up, inking the last details of his service weapon. Once the last line is inked on the trigger, the cop gets up from his chair and looks in the mirror to see his new tattoo. His face twists into a look of shock and terror, pulls out his gun and opens fire onto the tattoo artist, killing him in the process. He gets on his radio, calling for backup, and took a defensive position until a few more cops and the police chief showed to the parlor minutes later. The chief, while examining the scene asks the officer, "What the hell? Why did you shoot this guy?" The cop says, "What did you expect me to do? The guy drew a gun on me!"

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kickypie
πŸ“…︎ Jul 09 2019
🚨︎ report
Octopus joke

Know any jokes about an octopus?

No, but let me β€œink” about it!!! πŸ˜‰πŸ‘πŸ½

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ThomasTheTerrible
πŸ“…︎ Oct 23 2018
🚨︎ report
Do you know what looks good on paper?

Ink.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ChefFrieghtliner
πŸ“…︎ May 10 2019
🚨︎ report
What did the Octopus say when he opened his fridge?

Ew, something inks in here.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/scorchedgoat
πŸ“…︎ Apr 02 2018
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Spain surprised the world by taking a stand by banning pens and enforcing the use of quills for handwriting.

No one expected the Spanish Ink Position.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/desireewhitehall
πŸ“…︎ Jun 06 2018
🚨︎ report
Why do people in Skyrim use dragons for measurement?

Because they have scales

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/KrishaCZ
πŸ“…︎ Mar 30 2015
🚨︎ report
The octopus is bolstering his professional network

By uploading his SeaV into InkedIn

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/wstopak
πŸ“…︎ Feb 16 2017
🚨︎ report
A short story

John Deavensmit was not having a good time. After an incident involving a coffee spill, he'd been sued for $50 million, and somehow the jury had ruled against him. There was no way he could pay that much money; he'd go bankrupt.

Naturally, he filed for an appeal, but the winner of the case was already beginning to hound him for money, hoping to get at least something before the judgement was overturned. John was nearly at his wit's end before he found an unusual package in his mailbox.

It was from a couple of his friends, who all went on to law school when John left to create a startup. They'd all been very successful, and had gone on to be justices at various levels, from courts in a small county in Wisconsin all the way to the Supreme Court. When he opened it up, he was surprised to see an ink drawing of a thick wooden stick. It was signed by his friends, and accompanied by a note:

> Hey John, > > We're sorry to hear about your loss in court last month. We met up at a judge conference in the Davison Center, and we thought that we'd do something special for you. We met up in the Grapefruit Room and all worked together to draw this. We hope you enjoy it! > > Your friends

Now, John had been to D.C. a few times, and knew about the Davison Centre. It was renowned for its very offbeat architecture. The Grapefruit Room was one of the weirdest: it had been constructed by taking a world-record grapefruit, carving out the flesh, and preserving the rind. The result was a walk-in fruit, and it always smelled of citrus.

It took John a while to work out the significance of the gift, but when he realized it, he was overjoyed. His good friends had seen fit to grant him a stave judge-men penned in a peel.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/scshunt
πŸ“…︎ Sep 28 2012
🚨︎ report
Great name for a Tattoo Removal business

What Were You Inking?

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/OhSnAp998
πŸ“…︎ Dec 28 2014
🚨︎ report
This conversation between my (ex)gf.

Long post is long:

Her: Remember dad's tomato bushes? Well they're attacking! At least one is leaning across the path trying to get at my window... We had the war of the roses, now its time for the attack of the tomatoes!

Me: I don't remember anything about tomato bushes. From one battle to the next.

Her: Yep! Lookout tomatoes here comes the chutney recipe!

Me: I can just imagine a cucumber campaign. Operation onion would be next, which will fail, causing everyone to cry. Dill Day follows, a great success for the allied gardeners. All too soon though, the kamikaze carrots set in, utterly ruining the radish raid. The mushroom maneuver is employed, saving the troops, allowing them to deal the final blow in the asparagus assault!

Her: Don't forget the pumpkins want to supply ground cover with heavy support...

Me: Ah yes, the pumpkin paratroopers.

Her: Thyme is running out...

Me: Prepare the beetroot bombs!!!

Her: Aim for Potato Garden!

Me: Fire the capsicum! Deploy the celery team!

Her: Bring in the egg plant division to support the capsicum!

Me: This is it boys, life or dirt! I want a passionfruit unit to find us a vantage point, and the strawberry unit to surround them!

Her: We had better bring the lettuce up to date!

Me: The cabbage are under withering fire, we need support from the raspberry division! The potatoes are mashed, so well need to send the zucchini in their place!

Her: The zucchini can't take that heavy fire, they'll be grated. Send spinach for some extra iron. The sweet potatoes are digging in at the ridge.

Me: Prepare the watermelon bomb, we need to finish this! The eggplant were squashed, deploy the broccoli brigade! The beans need to get out of there, or they'll be split!

Her: Cauliflowers are going in to retrieve the beans. How brave to risk their florets!

The corn commandos are deployed, but the artichokes are all out of heart, we need to boost morale.

Me: The leeks are down! They'll be flattened if we don't do something!

Are the spinach still operational?

Her: Too bad the pepper isn't on our side, they're well seasoned troops.

Spinach is a go!
Nothing has touched it...

Me: But wait! We still have the chillies to give them heavy fire!

Her: And the squashes and peas!

Me: The ginger is holding it's ground, but it's being cut down by the pineapple!

The basil should make things interesting, send them to aid the potatoes.

**Her:

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Zokoro
πŸ“…︎ Apr 02 2017
🚨︎ report
Man dad-joked newspaper

Source - Pic Abridged version:

A man who dubbed himself Britain's biggest idiot after losing his wife after tattooing a comedy penis on his own leg is hoping to win back her heart by having it lasered off.

Hapless Stuart, 34, of Southsea, Hants, inked the six-and-a-half inch member on his left thigh, so the end pokes out of his boxer shorts.

"After I did it, my wife woke up in the morning screaming, because there was this massive penis poking out of the duvet. And the tattoo on my leg.

"It caused no end of rows, and she's now kicked me out of home. I deserve it, I suppose."

πŸ‘︎ 63
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Retro21
πŸ“…︎ Sep 01 2015
🚨︎ report
Showing my dad a picture of a family friend's baby that was born yesterday

I showed my dad a photo of a family's friend's newborn baby as it was getting its feet inked to take its prints.

Dad: "Pretty dirty feet for a newborn."

Me: "..."

Dad: "Don't worry. You'll get it soon; and then, you'll laugh."

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/tigrar
πŸ“…︎ Nov 01 2013
🚨︎ report
We were playing cards yesterday at Grandma and Grandpa's house

Grandma was keeping score as usual, and she was getting frustrated as her pen was running out of ink when my dad says: "It must have Appendicitis".

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/IAMAHobbitAMA
πŸ“…︎ Jun 12 2016
🚨︎ report
Only 22, but ready for kids

Friend was doing homework and was upset his Air National Guard pen had run out of ink. I remarked, "that sucks! That was your reserve pen"

groan

πŸ‘︎ 37
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πŸ‘€︎ u/y0ur_Liver
πŸ“…︎ Sep 29 2014
🚨︎ report
Proud of this one, I thought of it on the spot.

One of my co-workers just walked by my office looking for stamp ink. She said, "You don't ever need to stamp anything, do you?"

Without missing a beat, I said, "Just my feet!"

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/faschwaa
πŸ“…︎ Oct 30 2014
🚨︎ report
What's the difference between...

...a piece of paper with a scribble on it and a lazy dog?

One is an ink lined plane and the other is a slow pup.

...Thanks dad.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/EdibleBucket
πŸ“…︎ Aug 15 2013
🚨︎ report
People always ask where I got my incredibly detailed tattoo done, but they never believe me when I tell them Spain.

Nobody expects the Spanish ink precision.

πŸ‘︎ 11k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ May 15 2019
🚨︎ report
People always ask where I got my incredibly detailed tattoo done, but they never believe me when I tell them Spain...

Nobody expects the Spanish ink precision...

πŸ‘︎ 5k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Dec 20 2018
🚨︎ report
What do you call an computer program that can read books, and then make reviews about them, but sadly can only read text that has a red font?

An InkRedible machine.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Nov 16 2019
🚨︎ report
People always ask where I got my incredibly detailed tattoo done, but they never believe me when I tell them Spain...

Nobody expects the Spanish ink precision...

πŸ‘︎ 22
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ May 09 2018
🚨︎ report

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