“Ah yes, Sherlock fancies himself quite the chef. You really must come visit us for dinner Friday at old 221B! There’s no place like Holmes’ for the hollandaise!”
Yeah, re-peat: my mistake
He must be pretending.
“Mine makes me walk.”
A man named Dave comes home very drunk late at night...
So this guy has been drinking with his buddies all night and he's as drunk as a skunk, gets home, falls up the stairs, undresses and goes to bed next to his wife. He falls asleep and next thing he knows, bang, he dies and finds himself waiting at the pearly gates.
The guy refuses to believe this is happening, he says to St. Peter: "This can't be possible, I'm a healthy man! This is not the way I die. You have to let me return down there!"
The guy can see St. Peter looks like he's feeling sorry for him, but he tells him that unfortunately, there's no policy for allowing people back on Earth. The guy insists: "But come on, there's got to be something you can do! I'll put up with anything, really, as long as you let me go back down."
So St. Peters tells him: "Well really, there's just this one possibility: you can go back, but only as a hen. That's the only thing we can allow." The guy guesses that this really is his only chance, so he agrees reluctantly.
So he's back on Earth in this beautiful chicken coop, the sun is shining, there's green grass everywhere, this is hen paradise. The other hens greet him with delight and he tells them his story, everything goes nicely. But then he feels kind of unwell, there's something wrong with his stomach. He asks this old hen: "Tell me, I've got this weird feeling in my belly, I'm not too well. What is happening to me?"
The old hen: "Well dearie, we hens lay eggs, you know. I bet you've never laid a nice egg before... You need to push it out now, and you'll feel much better after!"
So the guy pushes and pushes, and wham, out pops his first egg. The old hen congratulates him and he feels much better. But not 5 minutes later, his pain comes back. He returns to the old hen for advice.
"Well dearie, it's quite special but it happens that you need to lay TWO eggs, so go back there and keep pushing!"
So he goes back to his nest and pushes, and nothing comes, and he pushes harder, and wham, out comes his second egg! He feels much better, but not 2 minutes later, you guessed it, he's back in terrible pain and goes to see the old hen.
"What's this bullshit here, and don't tell me I've got a third egg to lay!" The old hen can't make head or tail of it and just tells him that when in doubt, he should be pushing. So the guy goes back to work and then, wham, his wife wakes him up with this smashing slap in the face and yells: "*Dave! Dave wake up you’re
... keep reading on reddit ➡Bartender comes over to get our drinks, we're both interested in hydrating to start off with and we order waters.
Bartender asks if we want ice water or just water.
We both say we'd like ice in our water.
So then I say, "well, you could say it's ice water squared."
My buddy then lowers his head and says, "Bro, they come cubed..."
Bartender: "Hold on there, buddy, what's in the box?"
Man: "I'll show you if you give me a free drink."
The bartender agrees, and the man lifts the lid to reveal a tiny man, who starts playing an equally tiny piano.
Bartender: "That's amazing! Where did you find him?"
Man: "There's a genie outside granting free wishes. But if you go out there, be sure to speak up, because I think the genie is hard of hearing."
Bartender: "Why do you say that?
Man: "Do you think I would have wished for a twelve inch pianist?"
A piece of string and his buddies go into a bar. The bartender looks up and says we don’t serve strings here, but they sit down anyway. The bartender walks over to the table and says either he can leave, or you all can leave, I don’t care, then the bartender walks away. The string says let me see if I can make this better, and he goes up to talk to the bartender with no success. And goes back to the table. He sits there for a minute thinking. The string then ties himself into a knot, and frays his end and then go back up to the bar to get drinks for the table. The bartender looks at him skeptically, and says” aren’t you that piece of string, and the string replies”no, I’m a frayed knot”
Guy spilled his drink all over my buddy on a long flight. So weve come up with a few. Spilliam Shatner, Spilly Idol etc.
So I was on the red-eye flying overseas to meet my buddies for an epic roadtrip adventure. I got me a first class ticket because YOLO and I always wanted to try those convertible seat/beds.
So in the morning the flight attendants serve breakfast, which includes this tasty soup with poached egg in it. They offered drinks and they had champagne so I thought why the hell not.
There were delays and when we finally landed and I got to our meet up place, my mates were already there and gotten the bong out.
They said, "Where were you while we were getting high?"
"I was having..." and I turned to them, took my sunglasses off, and said, "champagne, soup and ova in the sky."
It was a Shitzu.
Thanks to Drinking Buddy from Fallout.
I was over at a bar with some buddies and told them I had to leave soon after drinking 5 or 6 beers. One of my buddies told me to wait, because he wanted to buy a round of Sky vodka shots to celebrate his promotion. I looked at him and the group and said...
"Alright guys, but i'm leaving after this, because the sky is the limit."
Groans were soon followed.
About a week ago I purchased one of those cheap checkout isle toys for my son. In particular it was one of the fan type toys that looks like a helicopter, with a small compartment of candy under the handle. Naturally he downs the candy and is toting the toy around for the next six or seven days, putting random items in the compartment. One day it is Lego's, another its rocks, another its dirt, so on and so forth.
Every time he puts something new in it he comes up and shows me what he was able to fit into the compartment.
This afternoon I was getting ready for work and drinking my coffee (night shift's this weekend), when he comes up to me with the helicopter. "Dad, look" as he is shaking the toy around with something rattling inside. "look, look". OK buddy, whats in there?
"CD's".... Huh? the compartment is smaller than a roll of quarters, how does he have cd's in there?
He proudly opens it up and goes "see theese... hahahaha", and just stands there waiting for my reaction.
When Bin Laden was eliminated, my dad and his buddies made a drink, they called it a Bin Laden. He asked me if I wanted to know how it's made, I said sure.
He said, "It's really simple, just two shots and a splash."
I started working at a jewelry store two weeks ago. I just turned 24, and one of my new co-workers is about 50 years old and repairs jewelry that customers bring. He is a master of dad jokes.
- One day, I was windexing our glass displays.
Him: I recently started getting the urge to take my clothes off and run around all over the place. My buddy told me to try drinking Windex. It prevents streaking.
- Another time, it was almost closing time and we were getting bored.
Him: A man was walking his Great Dane and saw a pub. He said, "I'll go have me a drink or two," and tied the dog up outside.
A little while later another man comes in the pub and says, "Sir, is that your Great Dane out there? My dog just killed it."
"What kind of dog do you have?!"
"Chihuahua."
"You're telling me a chihuahua killed my dog?"
"Yea, he got stuck about right here." grabbing his throat
- Lastly, we were bored yet again at the end of another day, and he came up to me and another worker and says, "Did one of you lose a big wad of twenty dollar bills wrapped in a rubber band?"
We looked at one another confused. "... No."
"Oh, because I had some good news... I found the rubber band." holding up a runner band
I like my new job.
my dad sits down next to me and my buddy while we were watching some television right? he says to us, "you know why they call me the bush man lavaponcho?" i replied, "no dad (having heard this jokes millions of times) why do they call you bush man?".... he replies," i drink Busch, i eat Bush and i smoke Bush." end of story...
MAN LAWS
The International Rules of Manhood
1: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.
2: It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following circumstances:
(a) When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
(b) The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse.
(c) After wrecking your boss' car.
(d) When she is using her teeth.
3: Any Man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his buddies.
4: Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.
5: If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever unless you actually marry her.
6: Moaning about the brand of free beer in a buddy's fridge is forbidden. However complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.
7: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering your buddy's birthday is strictly optional. At that point, you must celebrate at a strip bar of the birthday boy's choice.
8: On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.
9: When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.
10: You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend.
11: It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless model and only when it's free.
12: Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another guy in the nuts.
13: Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.
14: Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.
15: If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.
16: Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.
17: A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.
18: Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both, that's just greedy.
19: If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer.
20: Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a friend of yours, except if she's withholding
... keep reading on reddit ➡My coworker and his dad were at an ice fishing event a couple years ago and they saw this guy crawling on the ice, so drink he couldn't walk. He puked and fell over. His buddy comes to get him and puts him in a sled to bring him to shore.
The friend hears my coworker and his dad laughing and he says "that's what happens when you have 151 for breakfast! Haha"
Coworker's dad replies, "Good thing it wasn't 152!"
A bit of string walks into a bar, and orders a drink.
Bartender: Sorry buddy we don't serve string here.
String walks outside, undoes the thread on top of his head, and walks back in, and orders a drink again.
Bartender: Aren't you the string that just came in here.?
String: No, I'm a frayed not.
