Wife hit me with this one: she’s trying to get the baby down for a nap…
But she’s resisting a rest.
I was walking through a cemetery one day and seen a man crouched down behind a gravestone. I said to him “morning” to which he replied
I went in to the forest to cut down an annoying talking tree the other day. It yelled at me "you can't cut me down! I'm a talking tree! I'm one of a kind"
I can assure you... you will definitely dialog
Two nuts are running down the street. The one nut yells to the other nut.
Passed down one from my dad to my son today
My son was fighting with a new tech gadget yesterday.
Son (frustrated): How do I turn this thing on???
Me: Tell it that you love it!
Miss you dad :'-(
I put one too many books on my bookshelf, didn't look first to see if it could hold them and they all came crashing down.
Turns out you should check your shelf before you wreck your shelf
Couldn't help but to add a little Seal-pun in my latest video. Took almost as much time to make as the intro. It really sealed this one as my highest effort video yet. Despite the length I felt it wasn't watered down... (should be a Direct link to the pun, if not, 7m 54s in)
youtu.be/Ut-7PjwSGeE?t=7m…
When using the restroom, am I the only one who always chooses the third bathroom stall just to chuckle at “3 doors down”?
Some guys are talking about wether they prefer to use urinals or toilets to do their business, then one of the friends say "I sit down when I pee"
Another friend proceeds to curse and weep at the first friend yelling "I though you were a stand-up guy!"
I was teaching my 12 year old daughter how to mow the lawn. “You need to pick either up and down or right and left, and then stick to it,” I told her. “Do you mow the whole yard in one direction.”
“Why?” she asked.
“Because that’s what makes it beautiful.”
Oh, the eye roll on this kid.
A lumberjack was out cutting down trees in the forest one day. He went to swing his axe and the tree screamed "WAIT! I'M A TALKING TREE!!!!"
The lumberjack looked up at the tree and paused saying "well, you may be a talking tree, but I'll see that you die a log!"
As we sat down for lunch, I proudly announced to my daughter, "Little known fact, the first French fries weren’t actually cooked in France!" Unimpressed, she ignored me and kept eating. Not being one to give up, I continued...
"Nope, they were cooked in Greece!"
A lumberjack was at work one day and was just about to start chopping down a tree.
Suddenly the tree spoke ‘WAIT! Don’t chop me down, I’m a talking tree!’
The lumberjack chuckled darkly and simply stated ‘And now you will dialogue’
Two cowboys walking through the plains, no food or water, death imminent. When through hazy vision one of them spies a tree, covered in bacon by an oasis of pure clean. One cowboy hide behind a rock, as his confused friend runs to the tree... only to be gunned down by some bandits.
The second cowboy is relieved to be alive, and thankful that he knew that that was no bacon tree.
It was a ham bush
That’s one down to earth cow
I got down on one knee and asked her if she'd be the mother to my kids, she said yes...
Guess who's gonna find a bunch of losers in a box tomorrow morning at their doorstep.
As one grows older, one has to look on the positive in situations. For example, the other day I fell down the stairs, and I thought to myself:
"That's the fastest I've moved in years!"
One of my favorite childhood memories is when my dad used to roll us down the hill inside of a tire.
Those were the Goodyears.
Whenever I encountered one of life's little traumas, my Dad would take me to one side and say "it could be worse - you could be submerged in water twenty foot down a dark shaft"
Bless him - He meant well
Sometimes I lie down and spin to one side
I was in the gym the other day, when I saw a man get down on one knee and propose to his girlfriend. Unfortunately she said no!
Well that didn't workout...
I believe the 2020 election will come down to one deciding factor:
which candidate has the best vision.
One day my daughter and I were on a walk together and were surprised to see a shelled reptile a little ways down the road. Guess which direction it was heading?
A squirrel is living in a pine tree, when one day, he feels it shaking, looks down and sees an elephant climbing the tree. The squirrel shrieks, “What are you doing climbing my tree?” “Well, I’m coming up here to eat some pears.” says the elephant.
“You idiot, this is a pine tree, there are no pears!”
“Well I brought my own pears.”
After the earthquake tonight in California I had to calm my girlfriend down so I threw this one at her...
"What group of Early Americans loved seismic events?"
"The Quakers"
Bow down before 'Nice One Dad', the website gatekeeper of the worst dad puns known to man.
Had colonoscopy the other day and laid this one on the doctors while waiting to pass out: I'm gonna put you guys down in my resume as references.
You are the only people who really know me inside out.
A lumberjack went into a magic forest to cut down a tree upon arrival he started cutting down trees until one tree shouted wait I'm a talking tree
Which he responded and you will dialogue!
This one has been passed down from my grandfather to my father.
Dad: Did you hear they're not making toothpicks any longer?
Me: No, why?
Dad: Yeah, they're already long enough!
Hilarity ensues.
A fishing boat recently capsized when the fish on one side of the net all swam down. Insurance refused to pay out.
They argued it was an act of cod.
Hugh McScary, and no one else, was able to shut down a flower shop being ran by two belfry workers.
This comes to show that only Hugh can prevent florist friars.
I placed my pint down on the table in the pub and one of the waiters walker over to my table.
"Would you like a beer mat?" he asked.
I said, "I prefer cider, pal. And my name isn't Matt."
My parents came down to visit me this weekend. Dad pulled a quick one.
So I'm in undergrad right now, on track to apply to dental school and whatnot. My parents came down to visit me and bring me some home cooked goodies. They got hungry so we decided to hit up a BBQ joint. In the car, my mom is scolding me for something (I forget what for) but my reply was that I don't have any patience to do it. She says "Why don't you have any patience?" when my dad chimes in and says "Well, he has to wait until he graduates from dental school before he gets any patients".
Baduhm-tss
So two biscuits are walking down the street and one says to the other "where do you live?"
And the other says "I can't tell you, you'll steal my clothes"
Please tell me if you get this. Cus I don't.
I was the first one to drive down our freshly sealed driveway
On the way down, I passed my Dad, who was staring at the tires and frowning. I said "What's wrong?"
He replied, "Your tires are black."
"Shit, did I get sealant on them?"
"No," he replied, "They're just black."
Grandpa dropped this one before my dad had the chance to lay it down
Me: "I think I'm going to wear my electric-blue tie for the rehearsal dinner."
Grandpa: "Where the hell are you gonna plug it in all night?"
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