Double, Double You Puns

You’ll get tied up in nots.

His mind was playing Twix on him.

Because we celebrate revolution

Send it for an eggs-ray (I’m sorry 🙈, my daughter said this when I cracked a double yolked egg into the pan this morning)

It is called double-you-see (say it out loud)

It's textbook price gauging.

He got toad.

It was worth it though... That club was hopping.

The fairy of relativity.

"Sprint with me in hell"

A book mark.

Regular medicine.

Because it's a no passing zone!

.... I'll show myself out.

A place of warship.

A little context: Occasionally when I start to frustrate my wife, especially through text, she calls me by my first name and sometimes I double down on being annoying

A fellow student in my lecture class the other day brought in Christmas gift baggies for everyone! I sent a picture to the wife and she asked who it was. I’m bad with names, especially since this was my only class with this woman, so I said I didn’t know.

A few minutes later I asked a different student what her name was, and it was Breanna. So, I told my wife her name, and she asked what her last name was! I said that I didn’t think anyone knew that.

Frustrated at my answer she says, “Qsdl”

I respond, “No that’s my name”

This was Wednesday, so I don’t think she’s going to murder me, but she may just be plotting and biding her time

Letter rip

I only know 25 letters of the alphabet. I don't know y.

Not kicking and screaming like the passengers in his car.

They have fillings too, you know.

Yeah, they're calling it global worming.

Because they’re thick and tired of it.

2 doubles and you start feeling single again.

He double crossed you

They are a big No. No.

I was beside myself.

The Long Arm Abdullah

I replied, "well give me the one that she did make!"

When the punchline is apparent. My son told me that one.

Mom: Stares at DadDad: Clenches fistMom: "Don't!"Dad: Sweats ProfuselyMom: "..."Dad: "HI GAY, I'M DAD"Son: "No dad, I'm serious!"Dad: "You're serious? I thought you were Gay!"

No need to remind her every half hour.

He gives each girl $5000 and sees how’d they spend it.

1. Does a whole body makeover- I love you and want to look beautiful for you always

2. Buys him a new set of clubs and a new tv- I want you to have fun bc I love you

3. Takes the $5000, invests it, doubles it, reinvests the profits and gives him back his $5000. I love you and want us to focus on our future and plan together…

The man still can’t decide and just goes with the one who has the biggest boobs!!

Still no answer as to why he crossed the road

Because he was Stalin.

You take away the s.

• "Can't talk, busy camping," replied Tom, intent.
• "The French don't deserve our thanks," said Tom mercilessly.
• "Haven't you heard me singing in church?" Tom inquired.
• "I'll win this tennis game if I get one more point, " Tom deduced.
• "I didn't eat my T-bone tonight," said Tom mistakenly.
• "So you're asking about my mink coat," Tom inferred.
• "I'm wearing a watch around my wrist," said Tom with abandon.
• "I'm the most important salmon vendor," said Tom selfishly.
• "I was correct the first three times, and I am correct now," said Tom forthrightly.
• "Castration is reversible," Tom remembered.
• "I brought the dessert," said Tom piously.
• "I command my own private army," said Tom maliciously.
• "I'll order the same meat as last time," Tom revealed.
• "I've never swum in Egypt's longest river," said Tom in denial.
• "Et tu?" asked Tom brutally.
• "That's women for you," said Tom dismissively.
• "I'll have a bowl of Chinese soup," said Tom wantonly.
• "I eat everything," said Tom in jest.
• "I gave you your freedom, and I can take it away," said Tom deliberately.
• "Maybe if I rub this lamp something good will happen," said Tom ingeniously.
• "I'm never taking an Uber again," Tom derided.
• "That dog is a mongrel," Tom muttered.
• "It's too bad Babe isn't on our team," said Tom ruthlessly.
• "Maybe I should stop using worms to catch fish... or maybe not," Tom debated.
• "Hemingway is my favorite author," said Tom earnestly.
• "This drumming is too easy," said Tom without missing a beat.
• "This is a frozen dessert,” I screamed.
• "Now I have TWO duck feathers", Tom doubled down.
• "She would never answer her phone the first time, you always had to hang up once," Tom recalled.
• "Two plus five is seven,” Tom added.
• "I only have Diamonds, Clubs and Spades," said Tom heartlessly.
• "It's okay, the PlayStation still works," Tom consoled.
• "Capital punishment is mostly used on the lower classes," said Tom with poor execution.
• "Where are all of my old board games?" asked Tom cluelessly.
• "I might be acquitted," said Tom without conviction.
• "I've never dyed my hair red, but I'll try it," said Tom gingerly.
• "Ugh! I need to shave again," Tom bristled.
• "Whale hunting makes me so sad," Tom blubbered.
• "I'll quit smoking marijuana right now!" said Tom bluntly.
• "I like hot dogs more than hamburgers," said Tom frankly.
• "I signed it twice," Tom remarked.
• "I received a letter to take my car in for repair," Tom recalled.
• "I hate pale ale," sai

I thought it was a good deal, but now I have buck teeth.

Gross.

Typically within an arms length or less, in fact.

A spy has inside intel.

A computer has Intel Inside.

"Don't you mean a martini?" asks the bartender.

The Roman replies, "If I wanted a double, I would have asked for one!"

It’s a no no.