A list of puns related to "Do as I Say"
โNot where they say theyโre going.โ
Yup... I'll be up by 8 and you kids will sleep until at least 10.
and immediately crashes it, killing several people.
At the trial, the man is found guilty of multiple murders and sentenced to death.
Before he faces his sentence, heโs offered a last meal, and asks for a single banana, which is given to him.
The next day, heโs led to the electric chair. They strap him in, pull the switch, and... nothing happens.
Thereโs never been a failure before. But because you cannot punish a person twice for the same crime, the court is forced to let him go free.
Within a weekโs time, naturally, the man, who is obsessed with trains, goes and steals another one.
He doesnโt care that he canโt drive it or that he failed catastrophically before; he is obsessed with trains and his only desire is to operate one. As before, he crashes it, and kills several people.
Again, he stands trial, and again, he is sentenced to death, showing no remorse, only delight that he got to operate the train.
His last meal request is a single banana. When he goes to the chair, the executioner pulls the switch, but nothing happens. He goes free again.
The train-obsessed maniac, once more on the loose, wastes no time in hijacking a train and crashing it.
His trial is speedy, because this has already happened twice, and he is sentenced to death.
They ask him what heโd like for his last meal. โA single banana,โ he says.
โOh, no you donโt, you son of a bitch. Weโre on to you, now. We know all about your little banana trick, and youโre not escaping this time!โ
The guards refuse his request, and instead serve him a standard last meal of steak, potatoes, and berry cobbler.
The next morning they strap him into the electric chair, pull the switch, and... nothing happens.
โDid you give him the banana?โ demands the head guard.
โNo, sir! He asked for the banana but we didnโt give it to him, we swear!โ says one of the guards.
Turns out the banana had nothing to do with anything. He was just a really bad conductor.
You won't believe what happened today!! I was trimming the bushes, "doing my thang" when a little space ship flew right over OUR house. I was trying to get a good look at it but the lights were so bright I couldn't look at it without hurting my eyes. Suddenly, I heard a loud "whooosh" and standing in front of me was AN ALIEN!! Let me tell you this alien was badโฆ..assss. Looked super strong and super tough and I knew I had my hedge clippers to fight with but I said to myself, "I don't know this alien looks like a pretty rough customer"ย All of a sudden though, the neighbors, the Vartiks, come rushing out and Mrs Vartik says, "Mr Craig stand back!!" Mr Vartik jumps up in the air and his body transforms like a Transformer or one of those Voltrons I was telling you about. Mrs Vartik twists into a giant leg. Mr Vartik is the torso and connects to his wife, the leg. Paige, his daughter who goes to Dowse High with Aidan, turns into an arm with a built in laser cannon. Dmitri, his son turns in the left arm, holding this shape shifting shield. Angelo, the dog with a frisbee in his mouth jumps up and forms into an assault leg with 360 degree swivel action boom he locks into place. So I'm like "where's the head"? That's when the stroller, with baby Greg inside, pogo sticks up over the rest of the body and becomes this "cooler than Master Chief in Halo or Captain John Price in CoD" looking warrior head. Immediately, this Super Fighter starts going head to head with this alien, and the alien is tough but this Super Fighter just does some crazy stuff and is shooting lasers and launching missiles and boom doing UFC kicks and he kicks this alien's butt. The alien jumps back in his ship and tries to get away but the Super Fighter reaches into it's leg and pulls out Angelo's frisbee and throws it so hard at the alien spaceship as it's flying away that it looks like a fireball and it hits the alien ship and it blows up. So I look at the Super Fighter made out of our neighbors and it's awkward, I don't know what to say. So I look up at the baby Greg head and say, "who are you? what are you?" And it says; "I'm..... a ๐๐ข๐ฎ๐ช๐ญ๐บ๐ฎ๐ข๐ฏ!'
Bill retires, having worked for the same employer for 34 years, after graduating from college. After a year, the inactivity starts to get to him. So, he goes and gets a job as a greeter at WalMart. Everyone loves him. Kids behave in the store, women remark at what a gentleman he is, little old ladies say he is gallant, even the employees are more productive after walking in past Bill every morning. The only problem is, Bill is lateโฆ Every, Single, day. The Manager covers for him as long as he can, but finally HR decrees that bill has to click in on time, or go.
So, the manager sits down with Bill, and says.. Bill.. everyone likes you, and you do a great job. But youโre late every day. Bill Replies.. โyea, I am, I Guess I could try to work on that.โ The manager asks โBill, what did they say when you were late at your last job?โ
Bill thinks for a minute, and replies โGood Morning, Admiral, would you like a cup of coffee, sir?โ
The Tribe are known as the Trids. On this mountain grows fruits of every kind. In discussing this mountain with the Trids, the Rabbi says, "Why don't you go up and collect some of the fruit." The Trid chief explains that there is a Troll on the mountain, and every time they try to go up the mountain, the Troll kicks them off.
The Rabbi being a man of God tells them, that at daybreak he will go up the mountain and collect some of the fruit.
At dawn the Rabbi goes up the mountain, and when he gets to some fruit, he picks it and starts to put it in a basket. Then the Troll appeared.
The Troll asks, "What are you doing on my mountain?"
The Rabbi replys, " I am here to collect some fruit"
The Troll says, " OK, help yourself"
The Rabbi says, "Aren't you going to kick me off the mountain?"
The Troll says, " Silly Rabbi, kicks are for Trids"
Secretly (when my wife was out), I'd ask her "who do you love more?", and praise her when she said "dadda!". This has been going on for weeks now.
The other day, my wife got home and I wanted to show her my little 'trick'. So I asked our daughter, "Who do you love more?", in which case she replied "dadda!" and ran towards my wife (which is very clearly her favourite btw).
My wife, who didn't care much for the new thing I taught our daughter, bent down and picked her up to cuddle with her. Her facial expression changed a bit, then she laughed. She looked at me and said "well, she ran to me as she said that, and her diaper is full... so clearly she was full of crap when she said that!"
My wife is now in on the dad jokes and won this one!
Edit: Bolded the text to emphasize what part of this story was the dad joke...
Final Edit: My wife was surprised at how much this blew up! She says thanks to everyone, but she has no idea what the awards are for (since she doesnโt use Reddit). ๐
A guy goes to a famous tv producer and claims he's got a talking dog, and tells the producer that he should put them both on tv.
"Ok," the guy says, "let's hear it."
"Ok Fido, what do you call the top part of a house?"
"ROOF!"
"Good boy! Now tell me Fido, what does sandpaper feel like?"
"RUFF!"
"Well done! One last question: who's the best baseball player of all time?"
"RUTH!"
At this point the man turns to the producer, who kicks him out for wasting his time with an obvious scam.
As the man and his dog are walking down the street dejected, the dog turns to his owner and says, "I shoulda said DiMaggio..."
My wife and I took an evening trip, wanting a little extra time together I turned the โAvoid Highwaysโ option on, on the GPS.
We get routed into a BAD neighborhood. Boarded up windows, people on edge because of us strangers there, dogs barking and what sounds like gunshots.
My wife is on edge as I turn down a street called โSmothers Roadโ.
As we go down it, I look over and ask her, โDo you know why this is such a dangerous road?โ
She replies โNo.โ
I say โItโs because when you get robbed on this road itโs not just one person doing it. Itโs one person and Smothersโ.
Yam know, I know alot of ice food plums. I can dumpling em on you right now desprite the pickle I'm in. They're pretea cheesey but they get cheddar! There's eggndless pastabilities when it cucumbers to word plate. I doughn't meat to egg you on butter you should really try it! Just lettuce loose. Mustard up the courage to ketchup with the times and mayoby relish in the potgress of bready made humor! I know it mayo seem fishy butter you'll loaf it! I know you vegemight not carrot about puns but they're truly bratworth it! Clam on, don't be a chicken! Don't let your creams be creams! You donut know what you're mincing! Yah goatta be nuts not to try it once! I meat, water you doing right now anywaffer? Once you do, orange you be glad you tried? I'll even pear you up with someone you can make grape puns with! I'm sugar you'll be able to bake olive the amazucchini ones I'm saying right now! There'll be so much to tacobout. Though, I hope you don't have any beef. I don't think I'm stroganoff to stop boba you if you fight. I won't be able to cashew . Cerealously. Soooda...I guess you batter be ice and things will be all peachy! Oh to be a pizza the fun.. Man, I can go on but I'm dragonfruitn' this out and I avocadon't wanna come off as souper corny. So, lettuce toast to the cake world of puns and mango on like never before!
Confused as to who it could be, he gets up and opens the door to find the county sheriff standing there.
'Why, hello sir,' he says, 'what can I do for ya this fine evening?'
'I'll get straight to the point,' the sheriff replies, 'I know you've been huntin' grizzlies in these here parts, and that's against the law!'
'Huh? I ain't been huntin' no grizzlies, sheriff,' the hunter replies, 'I been mainly focusin' on them deers i swear!'
The sheriff, not believing the hunter, insists on searching the cabin, with the hunter reluctantly letting him in. Upon his search, the sheriff finds multiple sets of the limbs of grizzly bears, providing all the evidence he needs to arrest the hunter.
The next day, the sheriff is approached at his desk by the hunter's lawyer as well as an FBI officer. Noting this as unusual he stands to greet them.
'I'm gonna have to ask you to let my client go,' the lawyer says.
'Why?' The sheriff stammered
The FBI agent interjects, 'You have violated the Constitution of the United States in imprisoning this hunter. The remains in his possession were all front legs of the grizzly bears, and as such, you have infringed upon his second amendment right to bear arms.'
DISCLAIMER: not my joke, but I forgot where I heard it from. If any of you know, comment and I'd appreciate it
So a frog walks into a bank and approaches the teller. Her name is Mrs. Wack. He says "Hi, I'd like a loan"
She says "I dont know, you're a frog"
"Well, I want a loan"
"Okay, then. What's your name?"
"Kermit."
"As in "Kermit the Frog" Kermit?"
"No, my parents named me Kermit after Kermit. My name's Kermit Jagger. My father's Mick Jagger and my mother's a frog. Anyways, I want a loan for a lily pad"
"Well, do you have any collateral?"
"Well, I have this..." He reaches into his pocket and pulls out a small pink elephant.
"I dont know if I can accept this. Let me go in back and check with my boss"
Mrs. Wack goes into the back office where her boss is sitting.
"This frog came in, he says his names Kermit Jagger. He says he wants a loan and he gave me this as collateral" she holds up the pink elephant and gives it to her boss who inspects it for a moment
The boss turns to her and speaks. "Knick-Knack! Patty Wack, give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone!"
A bloke has been feeling unwell, decides to go the doctor to get checked out.
Doctor: I'm afraid you've got a terminal illness, uncureable, only 200 or so people in the country have it.
Bloke: My god that's awful what's it called?
Doctor: I'm afraid to say sir, you've contracted Yellow 34
Bloke goes home to his wife, sitting in the kitchen all sad. Tells the wife: darling I've been to the doctor's, I have an illness called Yellow 34, it's uncureable and I'm really worried.
Wife: I'm so sorry darling but it sounds like nothing we can do Why don't you come to Bingo to take your mind off it?
@Bingo
Bloke wins 3 games in a row, full house every time, can't believe his luck. Goes up to collect his prize for the 3rd time.
Bingo caller: Sir, I've been calling number here for 15 years and never seen anything like it, you must be the luckiest person in the world.
Bloke: To be honest mate, I've had some bad news today, just came to Bingo to take my mind off it.
I've got Yellow 34.
Bingo caller: Fucking hell, you've won the bloody raffle as well!!
For instance, if there was ever two of an item near me that you would obviously only need one of (letโs say a steak knife on the dinner table) heโd point and grin and say โI see youโve got yourself one for each hand huh? Now you can cut twice as fast!โ
But he would do this in every possible scenario and would get a good laugh out of it. Now, me being his son, I do the same stupid joke every single time I get the chance to in life.
He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?" The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, and even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound. A sound unlike anything he's ever heard before.
The Sirens that nearly seduced Odysseus into crashing his ship comes to his mind. He doesn't sleep that night; he tosses and turns trying to figure out what could possibly be making such a seductive sound. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk." Distraught, the man is forced to leave. Years later, after never being able to forget that sound, the man goes back to the monastery and pleads for the answer again. The monks reply, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk.โ The man says, "If the only way I can find out what is making that beautiful sound is to become a monk, then please, make me a monk." The monks reply, "You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of grains of sand. When you find these answers, you will have become a monk."
The man sets about his task. After years of searching he returns as a gray-haired old man and knocks on the door of the monastery. A monk answers. He is taken before a gathering of all the monks." In my quest to find what makes that beautiful sound, I traveled the earth and have found what you asked for: By design, the world is in a state of perpetual change. Only God knows what you ask. All a man can know is himself, and only then if he is honest and reflective and willing to strip away self deception."
The monks reply, "Congratulations. You have become a monk. We shall now show you the way to the mystery of the sacred sound." The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, "The sound is beyond that door." The monks give him the key, and he opens the door. Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone. The man is given the key to the stone door and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. And so it went that he needed keys to doors of emerald, pearl and diamond. Finally, they come to a door made of solid gold. The sound has become very clear and definite. The monks say, "This is the last key to the last door." The man is apprehensive; his life's wish is behind that door! With trembling hands, he unlocks the door, turns the knob, and slowly pushes the door open. Falling to his knees, he is
... keep reading on reddit โกA bloke starts his new job at the zoo and is given three tasks.
The first is to clear the exotic fish pool of weeds. He starts on this when suddenly a huge fish leaps out and bites him. He is not going to let a fish have a go so he beats the offending fish to death with a spade.
Realising that his boss is not going to be best pleased, he tries to find a way to hide the dead fish. He hits on the brilliant idea of giving the fish to the lions as lions will eat anything. So he throws the fish into the lion's cage.
He then moves on to his second job, which is to clear out the monkey house. He goes in and a couple of chimps starts throwing coconuts at him. Not amused he swipes at the chimps with his spade, killing them instantly. He's really worried now, so what does he do? He feeds the chimps to the lions, because lions eat anything. He hurls them into the lion's cage.
Anyway, he moves on to his last job, which is to collect honey from South American bees. He starts on this and quickly gets attacked by the bees.Alarmed, he grabs his spade and smashes the bees as hard as he can, squashing them to death. By this point he is not too worried about the death of bees as he knows what to do by now. He throws them into the lion's cage, because lions eat anything.
Later that day a new lion arrives at the zoo. It wanders up to another lion and says "What's the food like in here?". The other lion says:
"Absolutely brilliant, today we had fish, chimps and mushy bees"
But at the door there was a sign saying no chocolate allowed. M&M hesitates.
"Hey guys, I might skip this one. I'm a chocolate. I'll catch you guys later" Skittle and Jelly Bean protest. "Nah man, you'll be fine, you're candy on the outside. Come in with us, it'll be fun!" Says his cousin Skittle. "Yeah, if anyone has a problem with you, we'll look after you" says Jelly Bean.
M&M decides he will go in, encouraged by his friends. They all have a good time, and no one mentions anything about M&M being chocolate on the inside.
The night is going well then suddenly the front door bangs open and in walks Vick and his gang of vapour drops. The party goes quiet as Vick surveys the room. His eyes stop on M&M.
"What the fuck are you doing M&M? Can't fucking read the sign? No chocolate allowed."
"But I'm candy on the outside, it's OK, right guys?" Protests M&M weakly. Jelly Bean and Skittle back off into the shadows, leaving M&M by himself.
" I think we need to teach this smart ass chocolate a fucking lesson, let's take this outside." Says Vick.
The vapor drops grab M&M and drag him outside and start beating him up, cracking his shell through to his chocolate. The gang walk away leaving M&M barely conscious on the lawn.
The next day in hospital, Jelly Bean and Skittle come to visit their friend, feeling bad for him. "Why didn't you guys stick up for me?" Asks M&M. "Man, you know Vick, there was nothing we could do, he's fucking menthol."
So, she walks over and takes a seat next to him on the bench, turns to him and says, "Sorry to bother you. I know this may be a little forward but I would love to grab coffee with you some time."
Flattered, the man responds, "Sure... but what makes you so certain you and I would get along so well?"
"Well..." the woman says. "A couple things, actually. I noticed you were wearing an Iron Maiden t-shirt. Iron Maiden are my favorite band of all time. When they went on their reunion tour in 1999, my parents took me to see them in Cleveland. I was 12 years old and it was the first concert I ever went to. I absolutely love Iron Maiden."
The man can't believe it.
"I saw them play Cleveland in '99! First concert I ever went to on my own. My best friend Jimmy Spitz and I told our parents we were sleeping at each others' houses, snuck out, took a bus into the city and saw them play at the Plain Dealer Pavillion!"
Naturally, they're both shocked.
"If that isn't weird enough..." says the woman. "I noticed you're reading Mark Twain. I was a communications major in university and I actually wrote my thesis on Mark Twain and how he used satire as a lens to comment on current events of the time, comparing him to satirical news sources of today. He's my favorite author."
Now the man is really taken aback, "Get out of here! I was an English major in university! I specialized in 19th century American literature and this is like my fourth or fifth time reading Tom Sawyer, I absolutely love Mark Twain."
They both can't believe it...this has got to be a match made in heaven.
"Ok..." the woman says. "Well, buckle up because here's the icing on the cake. I noticed you're eating a prune. Prunes are my absolute favorite fruit. When I was a kid, my grandfather lived on a farm. He had an orchard that mainly grew apples and some lemons, but he knew how much my sister and I loved prunes so he kept a couple of plum trees. Every year at the end of the summer, we'd go up and harvest the plums with him. He'd dry them and by the time we'd go back to his place for Thanksgiving he'd always have those prunes saved just for us. They're my favorite fruit! I love prunes, you're eating a prune, this has got to be fate. What do you say?"
The man puts down his fruit and responds,
"It's a date!"
I usta drive my 4y/o son to daycare, past a dairy farm each moring. The cows walked in a line out of the barn to the field, after being milked. l told my son they were all on their way to a meeting. My son asked, โWhat do they say at the meetings, Dad?โ l said l didnโt know. He started laughing as he told me: โMoo, Dad. The cows say โMooโ!โ Kids these days โฆ. l had to pull over l was laughing so hard.
As a group of robbers entered the bank, their leader went to the manager and asked him to open the vault. He threatened the manager by saying, "If you try to do anything smart, you're geography." The manager was confused and asked him, "Don't you mean 'You are history'?" The robber angrily replied back, "Don't you dare change the subject, okay?"
He asks the assistant โDo you have โEuropean Vespidae Acoustics Volume 2? I believe it was released this week.โ
โCertainly,โ replies the assistant. โWould you like to listen before you buy it?โ
"That would be wonderful," says the expert, and puts on a pair of headphones.
He listens for a few moments and says to the assistant, โI'm terribly sorry, but I am the world's leading expert on European wasps and this is not accurate at all. I don't recognize any of those sounds. Are you sure this is the correct recording?โ
The assistant checks the turntable, and replies that it is indeed European Vespidae Acoustics Volume 2. The assistant apologizes and lifts the needle onto the next track.
Again the expert listens for a few moments and then says to the assistant, "No, this just can't be right! I've been an expert in this field for 43 years and I still don't recognize any of these sounds."
The assistant apologizes again and lifts the needle to the next track.
The expert throws off the headphones as soon as it starts playing and is fuming with rage.
"This is outrageous false advertising! I am the world's leading expert on European wasps and no European wasp has ever made a sound like the ones on this record!"
The manager of the shop overhears the commotion and walks over.
"What seems to be the problem, sir?"
"This is an outrage! I am the world's leading expert on European wasps. Nobody knows more about them than I do. There is no way in hell that the sounds on that record were made by European wasps!"
The manager glances down and notices the problem instantly.
"I'm terribly sorry, sir. It appears we've been playing you the bee side."
I started doing this silly thing when I wanted to show that a coffee thermos was empty, where I would just put the thermos to my ear and shake my head before just saying ยซemptyยป. I once did this when my dad was there, but he showed no reaction. He just looked at me as if he didnโt understand the joke. Fast forward about a week, and I see my dad doing exactly the same thing as if it was his joke. Iโm not sure whether I should be annoyed that he stole my joke, or proud that I actually made a joke dad enough for him to actually want to start using it himself.
She tells her doctor, โDoc, youโve got to help me because I canโt stop farting. Luckily it doesnโt smell or make noise, but something must be wrong with me because farts constantly. As I was waiting In the waiting room I was letting them go right and left! Why Iโve farted five or six times just sitting here talking with you.โ
The doctor says, โTake these pillsโ one in the morning and one in the evening and come back in one week.โ
After the week goes by she returns to his office but she is madder than a hornet! When the doctor comes into the examination room she immediately yells, โI donโt know what you gave me, but now my farts smell awful! Itโs terrible!! Itโs like something crawled up me and died! What did you do?!?โ
The doctor replied, โWell now that we have your nasal passages unclogged letโs see what we can do about your hearingโฆโ
The Grandpa smiled, took a deep breath, and said: "Son, this life has taught me a lot, despite the short stay here... Such as teeth being like the friends around you.
They are always with you, helping you one day and hurting you the next.
You have to constantly wash them, and maintain them on a daily basis.
A bothersome entity would signal an inflammation.
Positive reinforcement, just like a good tooth.
And the tooth that you lose... It's like a lost friend. You ache for a while and then the pain resides as you slowly forget it... But there will always be a void, the void that you can never forget.
And as you see, my son, I have lost each of my teeth.
But why do you ask?
---
The toddler looks up with a tear in his eye and says: "I just wanted to see if I could leave my apple with you until I get back.."
Long ago there was a village under the sea. In that village lived a collection of fish, lot's of different kinds, along with Ted the strong octopus, and they all lived happily. Near the village, there was a cave whose entrance was blocked by a large stone, and above it, there was an inscription saying โWhen real danger arrives, open the cave, and you will all be savedโ.
One day the village was attacked by a shoal of piranhas. The fish rush to the cave and try to push the boulder aside, but it is too large for them, so they go to Ted the strong octopus to ask for help, but Ted says โNo, this danger is not big enough for us to need the cave, we will be fine without it.โ. The fish begged and argued, but there was no convincing Ted, so they had to fight the piranhas without whatever was in the cave, and against all odds, they managed to defeat them with minimal losses, and all agreed that Ted was right.
After a fair bit of time, the village was attacked again by a bed of moray eels. Again the fish rushed to the cave to try to push the boulder aside, and again they failed, for it was too large for them, so they rush to Ted to ask for help. โNo,โ Ted said again โthis danger is not as big as you think it is. We will manage just fine without the contents of the cave. Leave that for a bigger threat.โ. And so the fish asked and begged, Ted, told them that all 8 of his hands were tied, he wouldn't help with moving the boulder, so they ended up fighting the morays, and to everyone's surprise, they actually managed to save the village. All again reluctantly agreed that although a deus ex machina would have been good, they didn't end up needing one.
Time passed and life was normal in the village until a Shiver of Sharks was spotted in the distance. Everyone panicked, and, knowing that they couldn't move the boulder alone, they rushed to Ted. โAgain, the danger is not big enough, we will survive,โ said Ted, and no matter what they did they couldn't change his mind, so they all rushed to the boulder in a desperate attempt to move it. As they were giving up, a very old fish that everyone trusted said โDo not worry, for Ted is wise, and he knows when the danger is real, and he knows when to use the contents of the cave. Have faith that if he says we will be fine, we will survive this, and when octopush comes to shove, the cave will open.โ.
A giant list of puns
What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.
I would avoid the sushi if I was you. Itโs a little fishy.
Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind itโs tearable.
Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!
I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.
What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.
How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.
I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.
Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.
I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.
My cat was just sick on the carpet, I donโt think itโs feline well.
Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.
How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.
What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.
Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.
Thereโs a new type of broom out, itโs sweeping the nation.
What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.
What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.
Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.
Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.
How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.
The shovel was a ground breaking invention.
A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."
A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."
Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.
What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.
I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.
What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.
I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.
Towels canโt tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.
Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"
Do you know sign language? You should learn it, itโs pretty handy.
What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.
Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.
What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.
What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.
What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.
A cross eyed teacher couldnโt control his pupils.
After the accident, the juggler didnโt have the balls to do it.
I used to be afraid of hu
... keep reading on reddit โกNoah let out all the animals. Two by two, they disembarked from the ark.
As Noah breathed a sigh of relief, the two snakes that were on the ark came up.
โNoah, Noah!โ they cried. โCan you get us some logs?โ
Noah, groaning, complied with the request.
Months pass. Noah is making some food in his home when the two snakes he gave logs return with their kids. A lot of them.
They ask, โCan you get us more logs?โ
Noah, clearly pissed, says, โFine. But why the hell do you need logs to reproduce?โ
The dad snake replies, โOh, weโre adders, we need logs to multiply.โ
Sitting down having dinner with my wife and girls (1,3,4) and my three year old says โDo you know what my baby does?!โ And she made her doll do a backflip on the table. And almost as if instinct, I said โwell do you know what my baby does?! MY BABY TAKES THE MORNING TRAIN...โ and I hit them with the whole of Sheena Eastons song during dinner.
It was perfect.
Back in the before times, when sit-down restaurants existed, I used to order boneless cheese sticks and would just throw the word "boneless" in front of any appetizer with 100% corniness. The purpose of this isn't to make a good joke. It's not a good joke. The purpose is to make my dining companions catch some cringe splash damage and want to crawl into a hole and die out of embarrassment for my being horribly corny.
But there is a real, deeper purpose that I've discovered entirely by accident. People, especially young people, are so self-conscious and worried about saying or doing something embarrassing that it taints a lot of social gatherings. They go to a restaurant and are afraid to speak up even when their order is blatantly wrong. They'll tip well even when the food took an hour to arrive and the server has disappeared into the corn stalks behind a baseball field. It takes 2 hours of hanging out together before some friends finally stop nitpicking themselves, uncomfortable in their own bodies and brains, feeling perpetually judged, and begin to relax. These are the kinds of people who go to sleep every night replaying cringey moments from high school. Their last thought of the day is when the Burger King girl said, "Enjoy your meal!" and they said, "Thanks, you too."
It takes 2 hours and/or a lot of booze before they're comfortable enough to take conversational risks and truly reveal themselves. But if I come right out of the gate with a really dumb joke, then we can cut to the chase. There's less danger because someone in the group already shot themselves in the foot, right off the bat. They pulled a pin on the cringe grenade and then jumped on it.
You cringe at my dumb joke and then we're over the hump. Someone has already done something pretty stupid, so go ahead and order the hubcap of nachos and a massive chocolate shake because nobody is going to judge you poorly while they're all judging me.
In terms of price negotiations (haggling), there is a psychological concept called "anchoring". You throw out the first number and all subsequent numbers are compared to that number. This is the same idea. We've already set the humor standard pretty low at "boneless cheese sticks", so you can say the dumbest shit you want and, as long as it's not worse than my cheesy joke, it won't matter.
This is why, when you were a teenager and your dad took you and some friends out, your dad made corny jokes. He knew they were corny jokes. You and your friends un
... keep reading on reddit โกUpdate: Thanks for all your applications! Give /u/parin89 and I a few days to take a look and confer!
(if you haven't put your application in yet, you've still got time)
-
Greetings /r/dadjokes subscribers,
Years have passed since this sub started up, and there are now literally millions of you. Whoa.
Two million people is just two many two handle for two moderators. Especially these days, when both /u/parin89 and I have two many other responsibilities and a whole lot less time. I'm 200% sure most of you would agree that more mods are needed.
So we're looking for 5 more moderators to get involved. If you're keen to apply, read the rest of this post and answer the three questions in your comment response.
Answer these 3 questions in your reply:
Only apply if:
We'd benefit from a few practical things as well, it would be great if:
Don't apply if:
We'll leave this stickied for a week and then come back to message a few people and make some selections.
He is amazed and wants to buy the duck. The man refuses at first but eventually agreed. As the man walks out of the bar the now owner of the duck shouts. Excuse me how do i stop the duck tap dancing. Simple says the man lift up the tin and blow out the candle......
A man named Dave comes home very drunk late at night...
So this guy has been drinking with his buddies all night and he's as drunk as a skunk, gets home, falls up the stairs, undresses and goes to bed next to his wife. He falls asleep and next thing he knows, bang, he dies and finds himself waiting at the pearly gates.
The guy refuses to believe this is happening, he says to St. Peter: "This can't be possible, I'm a healthy man! This is not the way I die. You have to let me return down there!"
The guy can see St. Peter looks like he's feeling sorry for him, but he tells him that unfortunately, there's no policy for allowing people back on Earth. The guy insists: "But come on, there's got to be something you can do! I'll put up with anything, really, as long as you let me go back down."
So St. Peters tells him: "Well really, there's just this one possibility: you can go back, but only as a hen. That's the only thing we can allow." The guy guesses that this really is his only chance, so he agrees reluctantly.
So he's back on Earth in this beautiful chicken coop, the sun is shining, there's green grass everywhere, this is hen paradise. The other hens greet him with delight and he tells them his story, everything goes nicely. But then he feels kind of unwell, there's something wrong with his stomach. He asks this old hen: "Tell me, I've got this weird feeling in my belly, I'm not too well. What is happening to me?"
The old hen: "Well dearie, we hens lay eggs, you know. I bet you've never laid a nice egg before... You need to push it out now, and you'll feel much better after!"
So the guy pushes and pushes, and wham, out pops his first egg. The old hen congratulates him and he feels much better. But not 5 minutes later, his pain comes back. He returns to the old hen for advice.
"Well dearie, it's quite special but it happens that you need to lay TWO eggs, so go back there and keep pushing!"
So he goes back to his nest and pushes, and nothing comes, and he pushes harder, and wham, out comes his second egg! He feels much better, but not 2 minutes later, you guessed it, he's back in terrible pain and goes to see the old hen.
"What's this bullshit here, and don't tell me I've got a third egg to lay!" The old hen can't make head or tail of it and just tells him that when in doubt, he should be pushing. So the guy goes back to work and then, wham, his wife wakes him up with this smashing slap in the face and yells: "*Dave! Dave wake up youโre
... keep reading on reddit โกThe man orders a Big Mac and a large fries. His wife orders a single cheeseburger. When the woman finishes her burger she glances at her husband. He has finished his burger and is moving onto the fries.
Still hungry, she looks at the fries and asks, 'Do you mind if I have a couple?'
He sighs and says, 'I suppose so,'
So she reaches over and takes a handful. The husband turns to her and asks, 'Is that a German couple?'
Confused, she responds, 'What is a German couple?'
He says, 'nein' as he slides his food out of her reach.
A plumber is finishing up his last job of the day when he gets a call from his dispatcher to install a water heater. He argues, but the dispatcher says everyone else has gone home and itโs marked as urgent. The plumber concedes the argument and says โItโs a tankless job, but somebodyโs gotta do itโ
After a few days of doing this, he realizes he is simply not fit for this type of job. On his final day of trying to chop down trees, he notices an old scrawny man chopping down trees as if he was a woodpecker, the amount of hits he made grew more and more each swing. The first swing was one hit, the next, ten hits, the next one, a hundred hits, and the next one after that, a thousand. He kept swinging until the tree he was swinging at was chopped down. Amazed, the young man walks over to the old man and asks, "Sir, what is your secret, how do you chop them down so quickly?"
The old man turns and says, "It's all about the rhythm." Puzzled by the old man's answer, the young man returned home pondering what he said.
The next morning, he was motivated to keep trying to be a lumberjack. "If an old scrawny man can do it, so can I!" he thought.
So he went back to the forest, and tried to use his advice. Trying to time each swing, he realizes this simply doesn't work. Later in the day, he sees the old man again, comes up to him, and asks, "I tried to time my swings, but it does no more than just chopping normally. How do you do it?"
"You can't just make up any old rhythm and follow it, you have to find a very specific one," he says, "you have to find the Logger-rhythm."
She asks me to bring it drop it off at the lab for her and I ask, โwhere do I drop it off?โ
She says, โGo in the front door and thereโs a little desk that you -โ
โDonโt you mean a LITTLE STOOL!?โ
... I hope you guys enjoy that as much as I did. True story happened today!
Wife made asian food for dinner last night, Tofu/Rice/Veggies/Chicken Wontons.
Toddler is killing the wontons and we teach him how to say "wonton" so he can ask for more correctly.
As he's stuffing another piece into his mouth I ask him "hey bubba, do you like wontons?"
To which my son replies, "No..like twotons"
My son's first joke and it's a dad joke...i'm just so proud lol....
"Doc, I haven't pooped in a week! Please help!"
Doc says sure, and writes him a prescription for a weeks worth of suppositories.
Man comes back the next day, "doc, I took the entire script last night, but nothing happened!"
The doc is shocked, as in his experience suppositories are very effective, and after taking a weeks worth he should have definitely had a BM. Oh well, the doc thinks, and gives him another weeks worth.
Guy comes back the next day. The doc says incredulously, "you've taken 2 weeks worth of suppositories in 2 days, and nothing happened?!?! What are you doing with them, eating them?!?!"
The man replies, "What'd you expect me to do with them, Shove 'em up my ass?!?!"
I don't know if this would normally be considered a dad joke, but it's my dad's favorite joke so I think it should count.
I told my wife:
There's the captain water, and the crewmember water. The captain water says: "All right crewmembers, do you know where you have to go?" The crewmember water replies: "Eye eye, sir!"
This earned me a proper facepalm from my wife which I shall wear proudly as a badge of honor and now share here with you.
He slams the door and returns to bed.
"Who was that?" asked his wife.
"Just some drunk guy asking for a push." he answers.
"Did you help him?" she asks.
"No, I did not! It's three in the morning and it's pouring out!"
"Well, you have a short memory." says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him and you should be ashamed of yourself!"
The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.
He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"
"Yes." comes back the answer.
"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.
"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.
"Where are you?" asks the husband.
"Over here, on the swing."
A giant list of puns
What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.
I would avoid the sushi if I was you. Itโs a little fishy.
Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind itโs tearable.
Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!
I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.
What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.
How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.
I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.
Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.
I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.
My cat was just sick on the carpet, I donโt think itโs feline well.
Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.
How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.
What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.
Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.
Thereโs a new type of broom out, itโs sweeping the nation.
What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.
What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.
Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.
Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.
How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.
The shovel was a ground breaking invention.
A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."
A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."
Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.
What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.
I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.
What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.
I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.
Towels canโt tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.
Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"
Do you know sign language? You should learn it, itโs pretty handy.
What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.
Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.
What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.
What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.
What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.
A cross eyed teacher couldnโt control his pupils.
After the accident, the juggler didnโt have the balls to do it.
I used to be afraid of hu
... keep reading on reddit โกWhat do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.
I would avoid the sushi if I was you. Itโs a little fishy.
Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind itโs tearable.
Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!
I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.
What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.
How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.
I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.
Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.
I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.
My cat was just sick on the carpet, I donโt think itโs feline well.
Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.
How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.
What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.
Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.
Thereโs a new type of broom out, itโs sweeping the nation.
What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.
What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.
Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.
Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.
How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.
The shovel was a ground breaking invention.
A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."
A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."
Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.
What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.
I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.
What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.
I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.
Towels canโt tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.
Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"
Do you know sign language? You should learn it, itโs pretty handy.
What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.
Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.
What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.
What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.
What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.
A cross eyed teacher couldnโt control his pupils.
After the accident, the juggler didn
... keep reading on reddit โกThere was a man cleaning a tank but all you could see was his hand. My dad leans to me and says "look! It's a rare hand fish."
The dad next to us with his two kids said "look everyone? Do you see the hand fish? That ones my favorite."
As we walked a way another family walked up and I heard their dad say "here we have the hand fish."
Edit: I told my dad about the response this is getting, to which he replied "Wow. Is it going viral? Should I call my doctor?" (Keep in mind he doesn't know how the internet works.)
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