I was having a glass of wine with my wife after a long day and I heard her say "I love you so much and always look forward to being with you at the end of the day. I don't know what I'd do without you." "Is that you or the wine talking?" I asked. She replied "It's me...
I was at a friends funeral and I said to the widow “do you mind if I say a word?”
She said go ahead.
I stood up said “plethora” and sat back down.
“Thank you”, the grieving widow responded, “it means a lot”
“I love my job!” exclaimed the farmer. “All you do is boss me around all day!” complained one of his sheep. “What did you say?” challenged the farmer. The sheep glared back and growled...
I do really feel bad for the Class of 2020. People say your senior year flys..
I just didn’t realize it would Zoom..
What do you say to a vampire when he graduates? (and other monster jokes from a book I had)
Countdraculations.
What is 5m. tall, hairy and flies at 2,179 km/h?
A King Kongcorde.
What do witches use to know the hour?
A witch watch.
What do you call a chicken spirit?
A poultrygeist.
And one mine:
What do you call a house inhabited by a chicken spirit?
A hen-ted house.
What do I say to my doctor when I decay?
Need to know because IDK.
Every time i drive over a railroad crossing I say there's been a train through here recently do you know how I can tell?
For all you folks living with diabetes... (My daughter and I both have type 1.) Here’s the joke — What do you say when the waitress at the Mexican restaurant asks you if you want sauce with your carne asada?
What do I say to my gf when she's on her periods and is flipping out on every damn thing I say?
Do you remember when you were a kid and whenever you cried, your parents would say, “I’ll give you a reason to cry!?"
I always thought they were going to hit me, not that they were going to destroy the housing market 20 years later.
A man walks into a doctors office. “What seems to be the problem?” Asks the doc. “It’s... um... well... i have five penises.” Replies the man. “Blimey!” Says the doctor, “how do your trousers fit?” “Like a glove.”
I made this joke on my old account but I got a new phone so ima say it again... What do you call someone who immigrated to Sweden?
I was at a concert of which a Scandinavian woman was playing on stage, one of my friends turns to me and remarks “I wonder if she’s from Sweden” another friend says “maybe Norway?” My final friend asks “do you thinks she’s Finnish?”
I boastfully reply “I fucking hope not she’s only been on five minutes”
Most people back up their argument by saying: "I read it ...", But what do Redditors say?
A woman is sitting at her deceased husband’s funeral. A man leans in to her and asks, “Do you mind if I say a word?”.
“No, go right ahead.” the woman replies.
The man stands, clears his throat, says “plethora”, and sits back down.
“Thanks”, the woman says, “that means a lot.”
I tried to do some harder skiing courses once but you know what they say
How do you get a woman to say I love you on the first date?
You take a dog with you :)
Farmer says to his wife, what did you do with the chicken I brought you?
Wife: "I made the chicken soup”
Farmer: "What did you make for me?"
There really isn’t a pun for lethal injections, I mean if you think about it, even if you do say anything, your life is still in vein...
They say when confronted by a bear, the best thing to do is play dead, so when I came face to face with one in the woods the other day, I accidentally played dad instead...
Now it can ride a bike without training wheels...
"Whenever we drive past a graveyard my dad says, 'Do you know why I can’t be buried there?' And we all say, 'Why not?' And he says, 'Because I’m not dead yet!'”
My doctor says I need an operation, but I can't afford it. I asked the doctor if it was something I could do on my own.
A man walks into the Drs office with a duck on his head. The doctor says "What can I do for you today?" The duck says "Doc, can you get this guy off my tail?"
People say, "Why do you have so many kids?" I say,
"because we don't own a pullout couch."
If you were to ask me if I knew any jokes about sodium, do you know what I would say?
**My dad, sister and I drives by a sign for UC Berkeley** when my dad says, “do you see Berkeley? Because I don’t”
"I say ole bean, java pen?" "Why yes, I do what Sumatra with yours? "Cool beans mines not too perky."
When I ask questions about constipation, everybody says it has something to do with human crap. But the truth is, it has something "not to do" with human crap.
If your kid asks you "dad, how many kidneys do i have?" And you don't say 4, are you really a dad?
I miss my SO a lot. I end up kissing and hugging thin air and she says it makes me look ridiculous. How do I recalibrate my aim? (r/fifthworldproblems)
reddit.com/r/fifthworldpr…
My wife and kids say I'm lazy because all I do is sit in my lounge chair all day.
I'm half inclined to agree with them.
A mom brings her baby to the doctor who says - wow, your baby is beautiful ! She says - thanks, but I'm sure you say that to every mom. He says - no I don't. She asks - what do you say if the baby is ugly??
Well, the doc says, I look at the baby and then I look at the mom and say - your baby looks just like you!
Two guys are talking about life and one asks the other, “so, what do you do?” The other guy says “I own a chocolate factory and employ a bunch of oompah loompas”
The first guy replies, “Oh, Willy?”
Any time I do something halfway intelligent, my dad says…
"Wow, you're a fart smella...I mean smart fella!"
My dad is a religious man, and whenever I would lie as a kid, he would say, “Do you know where liars go?”
“Not where they say they’re going.”
They say time flies like an arrow, but I'm pretty sure time flies like dates just as much as fruit flies do.
It looks like we are going to have a good weather today, if I do say so myself.
I've got a good one for you guys if I do say so myself
This groaner works whenever a friend says;"Hey do you know who I ran into today"?
Friend: Do you know who I ran into today?
Me:who?
Friend:Lucy
Me: Oh, did it hurt?
Everyone involved:eye roll
Do you remember when you were a kid and whenever you cried, your parents would say, “I’ll give you a reason to cry!"
I always thought they were going to hit me, not that they were going to destroy the housing market 20 years later.
A man walks into a doctors office. "What seems to be the problem'P" Asks the doc. um... well... I have five penises," replies the man. "Blimey!" Says the doctor "how do your trousers fit?"
At a funeral a man sits Behind the woman who’s husband just died. The man leans forward and asks, “do u mind if I say a word?” she responds, “Not at all, please do.” the man stands up and says “plethora” and sits back down.
“Thanks,” said the woman, “that means a lot.”
Whenever we drive past a graveyard my dad says "do you know why i cant be buried here?"
We all say "why not?" And he says "because I'm not dead yet!"
Anytime I do something smart, My dad says...
‘Wow, you’re a 'Fart Smella'…I mean SMART FELLA!’ Me: WHAT??!
Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.
