What kind of tea do germaphobes hate?

Dirt Tea.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Wtfisthatt
πŸ“…︎ Jan 02 2021
🚨︎ report
A man and his son had a farm, but things weren't going too well.

The son said "I think we need to start growing something other than just wheat" and started naming fruits and vegetables.

"I think you're right, kiddo" said the man.

He went over to one of the haybales and started grabbing fistfuls of it. He spread it out and then started covering it with dirt.

"Dad, what are you doing?" asked the son, confused.

"I'm making straw-buries".

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Findrel_Underbakk
πŸ“…︎ Dec 22 2020
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I don't know if this belongs here but my dad...

... spent all weekend making this coffee table. I didn't think much of it until i saw him attaching some hoses, a water tank, a dirt tank, a fan, a propane tank and a timer. I asked him what the hell he was building and he said "Well twice a day it's going to shoot either fire, water, dirt or air." I sat there stunned and confused and just said "But....why?" He said "Why? Well that's because it's a periodic table of elements."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/melancholytron
πŸ“…︎ Nov 06 2020
🚨︎ report
I can’t really think of any gardening related jokes recently

Most of them are planted in the dirt tier

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Bright_Dude
πŸ“…︎ Nov 21 2020
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I was assaulted with a bag of soil

But I can't go to the cops cause they got dirt on me.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/WA9ACE
πŸ“…︎ Sep 09 2020
🚨︎ report
Don't be worried about your smartphone and TV spying on you.

Your vacuum has been gathering dirt on you for years!

πŸ‘︎ 9k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jnew001
πŸ“…︎ Jan 05 2020
🚨︎ report
I snuck up behind my daughter and whispered, "I think our microwave and our TV are spying on us!!! And I also think our vacuum cleaner..."

"...has been gathering dirt on us for years!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ May 18 2020
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Can you imagine if your dog was an undercover reporter?

They’d be able to dig up so much dirt on you.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/AdamAptor
πŸ“…︎ Aug 05 2020
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A man makes fresh coffee and takes it to his wife in bed....

She drinks it and goes: β€œUgh, this tastes like dirt.”

He responds: β€œWell, honey, it was just ground.”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/errorFohOhFoh
πŸ“…︎ Apr 25 2020
🚨︎ report
Who should you never piss off?

The gardener, they know all the dirt.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/iknowthisischeesy
πŸ“…︎ Jan 17 2020
🚨︎ report
A sore neck was the inspiration for my wife and I to make up this joke together...

A man was telling his friend that his neck was sore. His friend asked him, β€œwhat happened”? The man said that varmints had been tearing up his yard and that he had been spending hours digging through the dirt trying to repair the damage. His friend says, β€œgo for massage and that should take care of the problem”.

A couple of days pass and the two meet up again. The friend asked the man, β€œhow did it go?” The man says, β€œwell, I have to tell you, they are hard to catch, but once you get ahold of them and get started, those gophers sure seem to like their massage”.

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jdinmd
πŸ“…︎ Feb 28 2020
🚨︎ report
What household appliance is most likely to blackmail you?

Your vaccuum- it's been gathering dirt on you for years.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/mallorn_hugger
πŸ“…︎ Dec 17 2019
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3 moles are digging their way out of prison.

The first mole says β€œI can smell the clean air and grass! We’re almost there!”

The second mole says β€œI can smell the fresh wet dirt! We’re almost there!”

The third mole says β€œReally? All I can smell is molasses.”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/chloeruel
πŸ“…︎ Nov 18 2019
🚨︎ report
A struggling young news reporter was having trouble getting good sound bites from the politicians she was sent out to interview, so she invited an experienced colleague out to dinner to ask for advice.

The would-be mentor insisted on going to a seafood restaurant and then he ordered his favorite meal for the both of them. When the hard working, fresh-out-of-journalism-school grad asked the veteran newshound how he always managed to get witty phrases from the Prime Ministers and Presidents he interviewed, a sly smile swam across his face.

Intrigued, she watched intently while he reached for his wallet then removed a €5 note. Holding it toward her face over the table, she was surprised when the greying beat writer dropped the money directly on her uneaten dinner and held an index finger to his closed lips.

As they both looked down at the seafood platter, his paper Euro was suddenly sucked under the rings of fried calamari until it disappeared from sight. After what sounded like a stand-up comedian clearing his throat, a male voice with an Eastern European accent clearly rose out of her food. It said, "Trump asked for dirt on Biden so I sent him some good Ukrainian topsoil."

As the gobsmacked gal with mouth agape slowly raised her eyes to her grinning dinner guest's face, he shrugged his shoulders and said, "squid pro quote".

Required Explanation: "squid pro quote" is a play on words for the saying "quid pro quo", a Latin phrase meaning "something for something". In the news at the time of this posting a tremendous amount of discussion is being circulated about whether or not US president Trump dangled a quid pro quo offer in front of Ukraine's newly elected president, Volodymyr Zelensky. The deal had nothing to do with seafood however, so that was just a red herring. It should also be noted that Mr. Zelensky, before diving into politics, was a stand-up comedian.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/podgress
πŸ“…︎ Nov 07 2019
🚨︎ report
Joe Biden and Rudy Giuliani have decided to get out of politics.

Joe is becoming a sodbuster and Rudy is going to sell some dirt for him.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jan_Tik
πŸ“…︎ Dec 07 2019
🚨︎ report
What’s the price of sod?

It’s dirt cheap

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Ketchup261000
πŸ“…︎ Jul 27 2019
🚨︎ report
What does a doctor use to cover his mistakes?

Dirt

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πŸ‘€︎ u/m0r0o
πŸ“…︎ Oct 12 2019
🚨︎ report
My Dad got me when I was 16, bleeding in a field and in agony.

I was 16 and at a rowing regatta I was competing in. It was middle of the day and very hot everyone was under these massive gazebo/tent structures with big guide wires and these huge rusty steel tent pegs sledgehammered into the dirt.

Anyways I was running late for my race and my crew were yelling at me so I started running. The shortest way was through the spectator area on a big downhill towards the water so at full pace I went that way.

About halfway the top of my barefoot trips on the rusted top of one of these steel pegs and I fall face first and tumble through the dirt with my foot and ankle split open.

People run from all directions, medical staff etc someone holds a towel over my head for shade and I see my dad. He's looking down at me but it's hard to see through the dirt in my eyes and people around.

He asks "bloody hell mate, what happened?".

In agony I manage a "I kicked a tent peg".

He knelt down beside me, looked me in the eye and said "how far did it go?"

πŸ‘︎ 1k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sennais1
πŸ“…︎ Dec 03 2014
🚨︎ report
Some plant nurseries sell their top soil at too high a price

I only buy it dirt cheap

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/IronHusker88
πŸ“…︎ Aug 31 2019
🚨︎ report
I have a dirty joke

dirt, mud, ground, moss.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PdawgUltimate
πŸ“…︎ Jul 04 2019
🚨︎ report
What do you call a bad tasting hot beverage?

Dirt-tea

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/allo_mate
πŸ“…︎ Nov 12 2018
🚨︎ report
That’s one of those rug doctors...

They’re steaming mad at dirt.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/fourchubio
πŸ“…︎ Jan 08 2019
🚨︎ report
Asked the barista if the dark roast was good

Barista: Some people say it tastes like dirt, but what do they expect, it was ground this morning.

πŸ‘︎ 871
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πŸ‘€︎ u/beccathebrandt
πŸ“…︎ Mar 23 2014
🚨︎ report
He didn't want to pay a whole lot for the four-wheel drive off road vehicle

He was trying to get it dirt "jeep"

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Dec 05 2018
🚨︎ report
How much dirt is in a hole that's 1ft deep, 1ft wide, and 1ft long?

None. If there was dirt in it, it wouldn't be a hole.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/LyndsySimon
πŸ“…︎ May 12 2016
🚨︎ report
Got my mom in Home Depot yesterday...

"Wow, this gigantic bag of potting soil is only $3!"

"Yeah, it is dirt cheap."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/GelfandDesign
πŸ“…︎ Dec 29 2014
🚨︎ report
Just got a great deal on a new farm in the country

It was dirt cheap

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/buckeyespud
πŸ“…︎ Aug 16 2018
🚨︎ report
Request: Puns about people who live in vans

I live in a van. Some of my friends live in vans too. Help us with some dirt bag van dwelling puns?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/EvadNamNav
πŸ“…︎ Jan 07 2018
🚨︎ report
Bought my mother in law some potting soil at Walmart.

She asked how much it was. I said "Don't worry, it was dirt cheap."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/jayoulean
πŸ“…︎ Jul 23 2018
🚨︎ report
I returned the ground almonds I bought.

They tasted nothing like dirt.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TommehBoi
πŸ“…︎ Jun 27 2018
🚨︎ report
Got a client at work today

I work as an auditor and was out doing a review for a cemetery. I was having him explain their costing, and he said it costs around $3 per body in the ground. I quickly replied "Well that's dirt cheap!"

His blank stare said it all.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/kcgnarly
πŸ“…︎ Aug 25 2016
🚨︎ report
30 Skeleton puns. Can you handle the skull rattling mayhem?

The Duke of Dance: If i don't stop soon, you're really gonna have a bone to pick with me.

The Duke of Dance: I need to stop being such a numbskull.

The Duke of Dance: help.

Sans: I gotta write these down.

The Duke of Dance: I don't have enough backbone to deal with my own shit

The Duke of Dance: but that's tibea expected.

Sans: I find this humerus.

The Duke of Dance: damn

The Duke of Dance: stole my next one.

The Duke of Dance: I'm not fibulaing you when i say, i'm running out of material. I'm really trying to think of more puns here, but i'm patellaing you, i'm out.

Sans: I don't even know this many bone names.

The Duke of Dance: My cranium is empty. i'm running bone-dry here.

The Duke of Dance: But you'r quite sternum in your wanting of these puns.

The Duke of Dance: don't worry, i'll stop temporalily. Not really tho.

The Duke of Dance: I'm taking these puns to the maxilla.

Sans: Can you make a pelvis pun?

The Duke of Dance: Not really. I can't think of any. So no hip hip hooray here.

Sans: That was alright.

The Duke of Dance: Are you having a femury time?

The Duke of Dance: I find myself sacruming to the need to make puns.

The Duke of Dance: helpican'tstop

Sans: I'm having a pun time.

The Duke of Dance: I'm gonna turbinate my puns, cuz i'm on my last leg-bones here.

The Duke of Dance: i'm getting desperate, you can tell.

The Duke of Dance: I didn't name a specific bone.

The Duke of Dance: Which is almost completely mandableitory.

The Duke of Dance: I have made more puns tonight than i have in a LONG time.

The Duke of Dance: Throw me a bone here, have i made enough skeleton puns?

Sans: There will never be enough skeleton puns. Mind makin' a list for me?

The Duke of Dance: Do

The Duke of Dance: Do you want me to write everything i just said down for you?

The Duke of Dance: I'm quivering at the thought of coming up with more skeleton puns.

Sans: I don't see any arrows.

Sans: Don't be a lazy bones, come up with more.

The Duke of Dance: I'll see you later, my vertebrah.

Sans: Have you any backbone?

The Duke of Dance: I already made that one.

The Duke of Dance: :3

Sans: SCREW IT, I'M MAKING ANOTHER

The Duke of Dance: Not so easy coming up with fresh material, is it?

The Duke of Dance: Also, "quiver" is another name for one of your joints.

The Duke of Dance: I'm just really looking at medical sites for this shit.

Sans: CURSE YOU GOOGLE.

The Duke of Dance: it's tibea expected. <Favorite skeleton pun, using it again

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ“…︎ Nov 07 2015
🚨︎ report
Dirty joke

I was helping an elderly man load some garden soil into his car and he remarked that the peat moss was more expensive then the soil I looked at him and said "that's because soil is dirt cheap."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/subsurfer
πŸ“…︎ Jun 09 2014
🚨︎ report
Our family went on a long hike, and our youngest son kept slipping and falling. My wife comforted him, saying, "Don't worry, honey, after we get through this snowy part it's all cake after that." "Don't believe a word she says," I interjected...

"There's no cake, it's all just rocks and dirt."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Cronenberg_C137
πŸ“…︎ Apr 30 2018
🚨︎ report
There are three classes of cheerios

There are three classes of cheerios, the lower class (plain ol' cheerios), the middle class cheerios (frosted), and the elite class (honey nut). One soggy morning in Seattle, a plain cheerio awoke in his single room apartment. He looked out at the still sleepy city, blanketed in a mist of rain. He quickly got dressed and put his shoes on, this would be the day. He stood propped against the bus stop, smoking a cigarette. "God I have got to stop this habit." He thought to himself. Glancing back and forth at the bustle of cheerios, he saw her. She looked about 25, devastatingly gorgeous, and he could smell the honey from where he stood. "Excuse me ma'am," his voice quivered, "I - I think you might be the most beautiful cheerio I have ever seen." She smiled and her otherwise golden brown face grew red. " This is a long shot, but will you marry me?' She was obviously caught off guard by this, but her red lips formed the word, "Yes." They raced through the morning mist of the city, and arrived at her fathers house. The cheerio bent down in front of her father. "Sir, I would like to ask for your blessing in marrying your daughter" "No! You are a regular cheerio and my daughter needs a high quality honey nut" he snapped. "But sir." "No means no damnit!" "Sir this is very unrea-" "You come back a honey nut and you'll have my blessing, my daughter is not about to marry a low life like you." The cheerio sprinted home, tears streaming down his face. He fumbled against the lock and sprawled out on his bed. When he awoke it was early, his sheets had a dark silhouette from his wet jacket. He sat up and lit a cigarette. "Damn." he sighed to himself. Walking in front of his mirror, he noticed something different. His body was frosted! He had become a frosted cheerio! He darted out the door without shoes, reaching the honey nut household in no time at all. He banged on the door, and the beauty's father answered. "Sir I am a changed cheerio! I'm frosted!" he exclaimed. Her father had a stern look on his face. "You think you are any better? The dirt on my boots are worth more than you." he hissed. The old honey nut slammed the door on the young frosted. He heard the deadbolt click. The newly frosted cheerio didn't take the same way home. He stood on the edge of a bridge, feeling the cool autumn wind on his sugar coated skin. Was he really going to go through with this? Was it worth it? No he was a frosted cheerio now. He couldn't get the girl, but he was a changed cheerio. He

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/R1pply
πŸ“…︎ Jul 31 2017
🚨︎ report
Just discovered this subreddit, and there's this one joke that always stuck with me.

So we were riding our car in the highway and a truck loaded with dirt all the way up was in front of us, when all of a sudden my dad talks, "So that's how they deliver when you buy land!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/fordprefect48
πŸ“…︎ Oct 14 2013
🚨︎ report
Got my friends at an outdoor restaurant

The wind was high and dirt blew on us. As everyone was rubbing their eyes I said "one day we'll all look back on this day fondly. I'm sedimental like that." Groans ensued.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/headexpl0dy
πŸ“…︎ Jul 15 2016
🚨︎ report
This conversation between my (ex)gf.

Long post is long:

Her: Remember dad's tomato bushes? Well they're attacking! At least one is leaning across the path trying to get at my window... We had the war of the roses, now its time for the attack of the tomatoes!

Me: I don't remember anything about tomato bushes. From one battle to the next.

Her: Yep! Lookout tomatoes here comes the chutney recipe!

Me: I can just imagine a cucumber campaign. Operation onion would be next, which will fail, causing everyone to cry. Dill Day follows, a great success for the allied gardeners. All too soon though, the kamikaze carrots set in, utterly ruining the radish raid. The mushroom maneuver is employed, saving the troops, allowing them to deal the final blow in the asparagus assault!

Her: Don't forget the pumpkins want to supply ground cover with heavy support...

Me: Ah yes, the pumpkin paratroopers.

Her: Thyme is running out...

Me: Prepare the beetroot bombs!!!

Her: Aim for Potato Garden!

Me: Fire the capsicum! Deploy the celery team!

Her: Bring in the egg plant division to support the capsicum!

Me: This is it boys, life or dirt! I want a passionfruit unit to find us a vantage point, and the strawberry unit to surround them!

Her: We had better bring the lettuce up to date!

Me: The cabbage are under withering fire, we need support from the raspberry division! The potatoes are mashed, so well need to send the zucchini in their place!

Her: The zucchini can't take that heavy fire, they'll be grated. Send spinach for some extra iron. The sweet potatoes are digging in at the ridge.

Me: Prepare the watermelon bomb, we need to finish this! The eggplant were squashed, deploy the broccoli brigade! The beans need to get out of there, or they'll be split!

Her: Cauliflowers are going in to retrieve the beans. How brave to risk their florets!

The corn commandos are deployed, but the artichokes are all out of heart, we need to boost morale.

Me: The leeks are down! They'll be flattened if we don't do something!

Are the spinach still operational?

Her: Too bad the pepper isn't on our side, they're well seasoned troops.

Spinach is a go!
Nothing has touched it...

Me: But wait! We still have the chillies to give them heavy fire!

Her: And the squashes and peas!

Me: The ginger is holding it's ground, but it's being cut down by the pineapple!

The basil should make things interesting, send them to aid the potatoes.

**Her:

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Zokoro
πŸ“…︎ Apr 02 2017
🚨︎ report
The tale of Ivan Ivanavich (Long)

There once was a man from the Ukraine named Ivan Ivanavich. Now Ivan and his family were dirt poor, in fact they were so poor, that they had to sell the cockroaches and rats they found in their hovel to make some spare change to to feed their many family members. One day, Ivan decided it was time to travel to the United States to try and have a better life and miraculously he managed to get aboard a ship to the States. Now his journey on this ship was miserable, he was down in the bowels of the ship, which was flooded with rats and feces, but he hunkered down and gave it his all to survive this terrible journey. finally, one day he hears commotion above, they had arrived at last. Ivan walks up to the topside of the old ship and sees the New York Harbor. He stands there amazed seeing such a beautiful sight. Ivan starts his life in New York but he doesn't have a significantly better life than the one he left behind. Nobody is interested in hiring immigrants but eventually he lands himself a gig of selling old newspapers. He would go through garbage cans to find old papers and would sell them to people in the poorer part of town. He makes slightly more spare change, but not really enough to live a better life. In his spare time, which he had plenty, he decides to start free diving in the bay. He goes there each day, and started to get really good at it. One day, an owner of a Circus spots him diving and is amazed at how good he is. He decides to offer Ivan a job at his circus doing performance diving. Ivan eagerly accepts and begins his career as a circus member performing amazing high jumps into really small containers of water. After a few months of doing this he suggests to the owner one amazing jump to wow everyone and put his circus on top of the entertainment world. The owner contemplates this and eventually agrees. He rents a ship much like the one Ivan arrived in and placed the smallest container yet. The radio and tv crews, journalist all arrive to spectate the event of a lifetime. The hour arrives and Ivan begins his climb up a massive lighthouse on the edge of the cliff, and the ship is positioned into place beneath him. Ivan is very nervous but decides it's go time, and jumps from the massive lighthouse. As Ivan falls, he takes perfect form heading straight towards his target. As he dives a sudden wave pushes the ship ever slightly throwing off the careful alignment. Ivan hits the deck and goes straight through the top of the ship. The spectato

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Entophreak
πŸ“…︎ Jan 31 2017
🚨︎ report
My nephew got my brother

While driving around my brother told my nephew when they got home nephew needed to take a bath.

N: why?

B: because you are dirty, you probably have potatoes growing in your ears

N: what?

B: you have potatoes in your ears

N: what?

B: potatoes grow in dirt, you have dirt in your ears

N: what?

B: you have potatoes in your ears

N: I can't hear you dad

B: YOU HAVE POTAT....facepalm

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/scoo89
πŸ“…︎ Sep 26 2016
🚨︎ report
How many cubic meters of dirt are in a hole that's 243.8 yards deep and 7.3 feet in diameter?

None! There isn't any dirt in a hole!

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ“…︎ Jun 17 2016
🚨︎ report
My dad on holes

I was driving to the gym with him and saw a big hole where some cobstruction* was under way for a new building. I thought it was strange that there weren't any piles with the excess dirt, and said "I wonder what they do with all of the dirt."

My dad had a pretty solid grasp on things- "I think they bury it"

  • Construction. Leaving the typo so comments on it make sense.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PressF1
πŸ“…︎ Aug 05 2014
🚨︎ report
What kind of tea do germaphobes hate?

Dirt Tea.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Wtfisthatt
πŸ“…︎ Jan 02 2021
🚨︎ report
Don't be worried about your smartphone or TV spying on you.

Your vacuum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.

πŸ‘︎ 503
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JamesHaven75
πŸ“…︎ Dec 17 2019
🚨︎ report
Don't worry about your smartphone or computer spying on you...

Your vacuum has been gathering dirt on you for years

πŸ‘︎ 38
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πŸ‘€︎ u/prodigalkal7
πŸ“…︎ Dec 23 2019
🚨︎ report
What’s the price of sod?

It’s dirt cheap

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Ketchup261000
πŸ“…︎ Jul 27 2019
🚨︎ report

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