Did My Time Puns

His name used to be Fred but my mom beat the F out of him.

I still have no idea how he managed to get them on...

He was very Thoreau.

...but it's really starting to grow on me.

I said it is there next to the sage.

Nobody came.

He'd walk back with the crisps stuffed up his jumper then say, "Look how much weight I've put on just by going to the bar!" Then pull the crisps out and say, "Only joking!" I wish he'd been my Dad. So proud.

"Ryan!" ........ "Yes Dad?" " Its not a Chore, its a dooty"

Dad, I'm Hungry.

Hey Hungry, I'm Thirsty.

Let's meet up Friday and

have a Sundae!

when I was little tears of frustration would ensue.

Because he couldn’t see that well.

Would you please just let everything blow over first..

Edit/update:

First let me say that we fortunately weathered the storm well, some damage, not major.

I grew up with a humorous dad, and I appreciate how humor can alleviate stress. Most of you "got it", some of you didn't, some (few) were offended.

I grew up with a dad who taught me the appreciation of MAS*H where Hawkeye Pierce made jokes and quips in a horrible environment (war).

My dad even joked when he got Covid-19, a serious issue at his age, he first told me saying "I tested positive.. I'm pregnant"

That said I want to say Thank You to those that got it.

Riding out a hurricane is a scary and anxiety ridden experience. Each time you commented you made me smile, chuckle and sometimes laugh. It brought a bright spot to an otherwise scary night, if only for a moment it would take my mind off of the raging wind and rain at my door each of the hundreds of times my phone notification went off as this post "blew" up! I can only hope it did the same for others who appreciate humor the way that my dad taught me to.

Thanks r/dadjokes

Godspeed to those still battling this storm and those that will battle the results in the days and weeks to come.

As Jimmy Buffet once said "If we couldn't laugh we'd all go insane"

It was a hard drive.

She asks the doctor "Where are my babies? I want to see my babies!"

The doctor says "Not to worry, your babies are safe and at home with your brother. You had two healthy babies, one boy, and one girl, but unfortunately I do have some bad news."

Immediately thinking the worst, the mother asks "Oh my God, what's wrong?"

"Well, you were recovering for a long time," the doctor says solemnly, "we had to give the children a name. Your brother chose them..."

Shocked, the mother asks "What did he name the girl?"

The doctor lets out a sigh and says "Denise."

"Oh!" The mother says, "That's a lovely name, what about the boy?"

The doctor places a hand on the mother's shoulder, shaking his head he says...

"Denephew."

Save them to your Phone and always have witty jokes at the palm of your hand.

3.14 percent of sailors are pi-rates.

5/4 of people admit they’re bad at fractions.

A bartender broke up with her boyfriend, but he kept asking her for another shot.

A brain walks into a bar and takes a seat. “I’d like some wings and a pint of beer, please,” it says. “Sorry, but I can’t serve you,” the bartender replies. “You’re out of your head.”

A cheeseburger walks into a bar. The bartender says, 'Sorry, we don't serve food here.'

A college education now costs $100,000, but it produces three very proud people: the student, his mama, and his pauper.

A couple of cups of yogurt walk into a country club. “We don’t serve your kind here,” the bartender says. “Why not?” one yogurt asks. “We’re cultured.”

A friend of mine didn’t pay his exorcist. He got repossessed.

A friend of mine is known for sweeping girls off their feet. He’s an extremely aggressive janitor.

A guy walks into a bar, and there’s a horse serving drinks. The horse asks, “What are you staring at? Haven’t you ever seen a horse tending bar before?” The guy says, “It’s not that. I just never thought the parrot would sell the place.”

A guy walks into a bar...and he was disqualified from the limbo contest.

A pirate walks into a bar with a paper towel on his head. The bartender says, “What’s with the paper towel?” The pirate says, “Arrr! I’ve got a Bounty on me head!”

A turtle is crossing the road when he’s mugged by two snails. When the police ask him what happened, the shaken turtle replies, “I don’t know. It all happened so fast.”

Armed robbers—some say they’re a drain on society, but you’ve got to give it to them.

Barbers…you have to take your hat off to them.

Can February March? No, but April May!

Cooking out this weekend? Don’t forget the pickle. It’s kind of a big dill.

Dad, can you put my shoes on? No, I don't think they'll fit me.

Dad, can you put the cat out? I didn't know it was on fire.

Dad, did you get a haircut? No, I got them all cut!

Dad: Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? Son: No. What happened? Dad: The teacher woke him up.

Daughter: I have a lot of friends named Nathan. There’s Nathan Miller, Nathan Radcliff, Nathan Lewis… Me: When they are together, do you call them the United Nathans?

Dear Math, grow up and solve your own problems.

Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head!

Did you hear about the aquatic sea mammals that escape

I am not a dad. I am a daughter. For longer than I can remember, I have called my dad at "too early" times in the morning, woke him up, and told him a joke. This was a daily occurrence. Hence how I found this sub.

My dad died on Monday. You guys helped me wake him up with laughter so many times and I got to hear him laugh every day. Thank you r/dadjokes.

Edit: spelling

Wow I really did not expect so many people to see this post or to take the time to comment and reach out to me. Thank you all so much for your thoughts and kind words. It really means a lot. This is a great community and I'm so glad to have found it. As a mom to two beautiful little jokesters, I will absolutely continue pestering them with daily jokes and keep the tradition and the laughter alive.

For those asking, his favorite jokes were the really long ones that took forever to tell and had bad/ the best punchlines. The one that immediately sticks out was posted here either Sunday or Monday and was the last one I got to tell him. I will see if I can find it and figure out how to link. It was about a farmer who really loved tractors.

Thank you to the kind redditors who found it for me.

https://www.reddit.com/r/dadjokes/comments/slwg7y/bit_of_a_story_to_this_one_but_well_worth_the_read/?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share

Because I don’t like moles and certainly don’t want to consume their asses

I’m so proud of my wife, she just finished a super intensive, 40 week long, body building program. It’s a boy, 9 pounds, 4 ounces.

Less cargo.

there’s three main candidates in the running. first is joe biden, looking to keep the presidency; second is donald trump, looking to take back the presidency, and lastly is obama, wearing a sombrero and a mustache, going by the name… juan-bama. as the election results are tallied in, it’s apparent that it’s a perfect three-way tie in both the popular vote and the electoral college. the nation is in uproar, nobody can reach a decision as to how to choose the next president. but at last a solution comes forward: a literal presidential race. whoever can run the fastest lap around the white house—timed by a secret service member—will be sworn into office.

first up is donald trump. he boldly states “this will no doubt be the fastest lap around the white house, perhaps even the fastest lap run anywhere, ever,” but, not being in the best shape, he takes 18 minutes and 34 seconds.

next is joe biden. he doesn’t waste any breath for trash talk or boasting, he just readies himself at the starting line and—at the count—takes off. he’s running fast, really fast for someone of his age… at least for the first 5 minutes. but he forgets where he’s going, and finishes his lap as a leisurely walk around the grounds, taking 26 minutes and 49 seconds.

lastly is juanbama, who runs like hell around the white house. he’s running fast, faster than he’d ever run before. he completes his lap, collapsing across the finish line, and looks up desperately at the secret service member. “what was it?” he asks. “what was my time?”

the agent looks down at their stopwatch. “twelve oh-three.”

juanbama looks at them in disbelief. “well,” he sputters, “that’s got to be some sort of record!”

the secret service member shakes their head. “no, actually. bush did nine eleven.”

• "Can't talk, busy camping," replied Tom, intent.
• "The French don't deserve our thanks," said Tom mercilessly.
• "Haven't you heard me singing in church?" Tom inquired.
• "I'll win this tennis game if I get one more point, " Tom deduced.
• "I didn't eat my T-bone tonight," said Tom mistakenly.
• "So you're asking about my mink coat," Tom inferred.
• "I'm wearing a watch around my wrist," said Tom with abandon.
• "I'm the most important salmon vendor," said Tom selfishly.
• "I was correct the first three times, and I am correct now," said Tom forthrightly.
• "Castration is reversible," Tom remembered.
• "I brought the dessert," said Tom piously.
• "I command my own private army," said Tom maliciously.
• "I'll order the same meat as last time," Tom revealed.
• "I've never swum in Egypt's longest river," said Tom in denial.
• "Et tu?" asked Tom brutally.
• "That's women for you," said Tom dismissively.
• "I'll have a bowl of Chinese soup," said Tom wantonly.
• "I eat everything," said Tom in jest.
• "I gave you your freedom, and I can take it away," said Tom deliberately.
• "Maybe if I rub this lamp something good will happen," said Tom ingeniously.
• "I'm never taking an Uber again," Tom derided.
• "That dog is a mongrel," Tom muttered.
• "It's too bad Babe isn't on our team," said Tom ruthlessly.
• "Maybe I should stop using worms to catch fish... or maybe not," Tom debated.
• "Hemingway is my favorite author," said Tom earnestly.
• "This drumming is too easy," said Tom without missing a beat.
• "This is a frozen dessert,” I screamed.
• "Now I have TWO duck feathers", Tom doubled down.
• "She would never answer her phone the first time, you always had to hang up once," Tom recalled.
• "Two plus five is seven,” Tom added.
• "I only have Diamonds, Clubs and Spades," said Tom heartlessly.
• "It's okay, the PlayStation still works," Tom consoled.
• "Capital punishment is mostly used on the lower classes," said Tom with poor execution.
• "Where are all of my old board games?" asked Tom cluelessly.
• "I might be acquitted," said Tom without conviction.
• "I've never dyed my hair red, but I'll try it," said Tom gingerly.
• "Ugh! I need to shave again," Tom bristled.
• "Whale hunting makes me so sad," Tom blubbered.
• "I'll quit smoking marijuana right now!" said Tom bluntly.
• "I like hot dogs more than hamburgers," said Tom frankly.
• "I signed it twice," Tom remarked.
• "I received a letter to take my car in for repair," Tom recalled.
• "I hate pale ale," sai

Larry Lobster and Sam Clam were best friends. They did everything together. The only difference between them is that Larry was the nicest Lobster ever and Sam, well lets just say he was not so good. Larry and Sam did so much together that they even died together. Larry went to heaven and Sam went to hell. Larry was doing well in heaven and one day St. Peter came up to him and said, “Larry, you know you are the nicest lobster we ever had up here. Everyone likes you but you seem to be a bit depressed. Tell me what is bothering you, maybe I can help.” Larry said, “Well, don’t get me wrong Pete, I like it up here and everything, but I really miss my good friend Sam Clam. We used to do everything together and I really miss him a lot.” St. Peter looked at Larry with pity and said to him, “I tell you what, I can arrange it so that you can go down to hell tomorrow and visit Sam all day. How would that sound?” This made Larry very happy and he got up bright and early the next morning and grabbed his wings, his harp, and his halo and got in the elevator to hell. When the doors opened he was met by Sam. The hugged each other and they were off. You see in Hell Sam owned a disco. The spent the day there together and had a great time. At the end of the day Larry and Sam went back to the elevator together said their goodbyes and Larry got back in the elevator and went up to heaven. He stepped off the elevator and was greeted by St. Peter who blocked the doorway to heaven. He looked at Larry and said, “Larry Lobster, didn’t you forget something?” Larry looked around and said, “No, I don’t think so I have my halo and my wings.” St. Peter looked at him and said, “Yes, but what about your harp?” Larry gasped and said, “I Left My Harp in Sam Clam’s Disco.”

So a few years ago I was planning on proposing to my girlfriend, and I had a super fancy setup. Just as i was about to propose my friend Joe comes running in and trips, shattering the glass table and cutting his eye. Obviously I did not propose and I took him to the hospital. Now i don't know Joe that well, I don't even know where he's from, but i felt the kind thing to do was to help him. He got a cotton eye patch on his eye which stayed on for months. One day i woke up and my girlfriend and Joe were gone. Apparently in the few months since that fateful night they had bonded and they ran off to elope.

So in conclusion, if it hadn't been for cotton eyed Joe I'd been married a long time ago where did he come from where did he go where did you come from cotton eyed joe

... now that I have given her the Corona.

My children groaned for considerable time, because I did actually infect them all with COVID, sigh.

While I was out with the family getting ice cream, the crowded shop had one of those awkward moments where everyone randomly goes quiet all at the same time - just as the confectioner handed me my ice cream.

I proceeded to ask “Where does someone learn to make ice cream this good?”

Confectioner - “I’m not sure… the morning crew makes the batches”

“Did they learn at sundae school???”

I could not have been prouder with the chorus of groans and chuckles that rang throughout the shop.

I was playing the game Borderlands. There was a mission where Scooter asks you to get various parts for a vehicle.

My son was 5 at the time, and watching me play. Yeah, probably more like his first pun than a dad joke, but still..

Son: Daddy?

Me: Yes?

Son: Did Scooter say he wants you to get him an exhaust pipe?

Me: Yes.

Son: (does exaggerated sigh and slumps in his seat) How exhausting!

Then he grinned and looked intently at me to make sure I got it. I was so proud!

Pig plays the drums, Horse sings, and Cow plays the guitar. They’re all exceptionally talented, and form a band, supplementing other spots from around the city. They play local dives, some free shows in the park, and they begin to get some traction. Pig suggests they record an album, and they send demos all over. One label is willing to give them a shot, and they open for a B List name on their tour. During the tour, they amass millions of fans, and by the time they record their first major studio album, they have a following so big that 3 of their songs top the charts. They soon find themselves headlining their own tour, as well as every major music festival.

The three friends are over the moon with their success. Never in their wildest dreams did they believe they’d find themselves rubbing shoulders with music greats. It doesn’t come without its downsides, though. Pig has turned to coke and pills to help him get through the long nights. Horse loves the party side of his new life, and his band mates often hide bottles from him when they’re not dragging him, drunk, to his bed. Cow is sad. Watching his friends fall apart, he misses being home and when things were more simple. Keeping his friends in line and covering for them is taking a toll on his own health.

After a year and a half on the road, the band is in the studio attempting to record their second album. Horse is fast asleep, drooling on the mixing board, hungover from the night before. Pig hasn’t even shown up. Cow has a breakdown, and shakes Horse awake. “I’m done. I can’t do this anymore.” Horse waves him off, and falls back asleep. Cow packs up his guitar and buys a one-way ticket home.

A few days later, Pig is all over the news. He’s in jail for possession. Cow watches the news and shakes his head. He knew it was a sinking ship. Horse hears the news from their manager, who is also calling to tell him that he quit. He wakes up to the phone call, and texts Cow, pleading to have a conversation. Radio silence. Horse stumbles out of bed and heads for his favorite pub. He can’t believe that he’s down two friends, that the band has split up, and his life is in shambles. He sits at the bar. “I’ll have my usual,” he says. The bartender leans over to hand Horse a whiskey. “Hey buddy, why the long face?”

I Thoth I'd get more of a Ha, Heh, and a maybe even a Kek out of her, but instead she thinks I'm a Nut! I even got all dressed up in my best Khepri shorts to practice on my material with her. I had hoped she'd be more agreeable to them, but she even started bullying me, grabbed my arm and Hatmehit myself a few times, so I told her to stop with that and Imentet! I don't like being treated like some street Mut!

I tried to tell her, "Babi, please stop!" She, however, was having Nun of it! It was starting to Geb me a bruise! Besides, I hadn't even gotten to my Bastet ones yet! So I told myself Heqet all! I'm gonna tell my jokes, because at least they make me Hapi! She didn't care, just told me to Shu! Said I was a Nemty-headed fool. How rude!

Being a Tefnut to crack, I called for the Aten-tion of my friends so they could at least listen to my whole Set, and busted out with this great Amun-gus joke! I certainly thought it was a Neith little joke, but right off the Bat, they were telling me to Wadjet with the dumb puns, and I need to Wadj-wer I'm taking these jokes. One of them even did a literal face-palm and stood up to leave! I told him to stop that, because I don't like to see Menhit themselves, or anyone for that matter, so thankfully, Hesat down again.

I tried Anhur-ther time, but another friend accused me of Nepit-ism! I told him he clearly never Nu what that word meant to begin with, Aani just spits in my face! Ptah! I really Maat him angry, it seems. Nothing but Ra Ra rabble rabble with him....I wanted to wash his mouth out and see how the Sopdu in fixing that bad attitude of his...

After that treatment, I had no choice but to Pakhet in. Bennu really rough day dealing with all this pushback. Neper again will I tell another pun. Isis the error of my ways now and learned a valuable lesson today: Even the closest people in your life will either like the jokes you Hathor they won't. If they don't, you just have to Reshep your comedy routine to the crowd you're playing to, otherwise, you'll upset your girlfriend so badly, you'll end up sleeping in the Shed!

I once knew a man from Greece. Every day he had breakfast in my father's café. And every day he signed the bill: "σε μένα". Whenever we asked what it meant he just shook his head, laughed, and walked out.

After a few years we became good friends, and he invited me to his birthday meal at a fancy restaurant downtown. He wrote down the address and signed it again, "σε μένα", once again laughing on his way out. When I got there I met his family, including his daughter Helen. When it came time to pay the bill he signed it, as usual, "σε μένα"; as he did Helen looked down at his hands, and she let out a groan. I asked her what the problem was but she just shook her head and walked out. The next day the man told me his daughter had taken quite the fancy to me, and he wrote down her phone number. Once again he signed it, "σε μένα", laughing as he handed it to me.

Helen and I began dating and eventually married. And since he paid for the wedding her father saw to it that his motto was everywhere. It was written on the invitations, balloons, napkins, bunting, you name it. Even the cake had the words inscribed on its side, "σε μένα". I had never seen him so happy as he was on that day.

As a wedding present he left us the family home, and handed us the keys to it with a smile on his face as usual. Sure enough those two words were all over, "σε μένα": fridge magnets, post-it notes, plates, bowls, knives, forks, the front gate, the doormat, the postbox, the bird-bath, even the license plate on his old car. When Helen and I had our first son, he gifted us baby clothes with "σε μένα" written on them, still shaking his head and laughing.

On his deathbed, my father-in-law took my hand and thanked me for all I had done for him and his family. Framed on the wall next to him I saw it written again, "σε μένα".

And one last time I asked him what it meant.

And one last time, the man smiled, shrugged, and with his final breath he laughed and said,

"It's Greek to me."

He went to the Dr because of constipation. The Dr gave him suppositories and said, “Put these in your rectum 3 times a day and come see me again next week.” So, Dad goes back in a week and the Dr asked if the suppositories worked. Dad said, “We’ll Doc, for one thing, I don’t drink rectum, I drink Postum and for as much good as those did I could’ve shoved them up my ass!”

Our baby has started being fed solids not long ago. Lately, every time she's placed in the seat she instantly starts trying to eat the tray section.

My wife asked, "why does she like the tray so much?"

To which I promptly replied, "she's just having entrée before the main course!"

My wife didn't appreciate it as much as I did but I still managed a laugh out of her!

One cold winter's morning he was walking along a country road, when he heard a cry for help from a nearby lake.

He turned to see a little girl struggling in the broken ice in the middle of the lake. She'd been skating and had fallen into the icy water. Without a moment's hesitation the tramp ran onto the ice and slipped and slided over to the little girl. He managed to pull her out without breaking the ice further and he carried her back to the road.

He took off his coat and wrapped the little girl in it and began looking for a car to flag down. A few moments later a huge chauffeur-driven limo pulled up, and who stepped out but the little girl's father - the mayor of the nearby town and a multi-millionaire.

"How can I ever thank you sir?" says the father after putting his daughterinto the warmth of the limo.

"Just name your price - I'm a wealthy man."

"Ahem, well ..." stammered the tramp "...eh I'm a little short of cash, perhaps you could help me out"

"Certainly" says the girl's father and he pulls out his wallet.

"Oh dear" says the father, "I don't carry much cash with me, I only have ten dollars - but come home with me and I'll get more from the safe"

"No! No!" says the tramp, "Why ten dollars is more money than I've seen in my whole life - that will be plenty".

"Well, if you insist" says the father - "now what will you do with your money?"

"Oh that's easy" says the tramp "I've not had a rest in 20 years. I think I'll buy myself a holiday"

"Well good luck" says the father, and he gets into the car and signals his chauffeur to drive home.

"Ten Dollars" thinks the tramp, "I'm rich! I'm rich!", and off he goes to the town, to buy himself a holiday.

He finds a travel agent, walks in - much to the disgust of the staff - and goes up to the desk.

"I'll have one holiday please!"

"Ahem, which holiday would sir like" asked the girl at the desk, forcing a smile.

"Oh, any holiday I don't mind" replied the tramp.

"Well how much money does sir have to spend on sir's holiday?"

"Oh lots - anything up to ten dollars"

"TEN DOLLARS!! You'll never get a holiday for ten dollars" says the girl incredulously.

"Oh dear" said the tramp, "and I was so looking forward to a holiday - I'll probably never get another chance - isn't there anything you can do?"

"Well I don't think so sir, but hold on and I'll check"

The girl goes into the back of the shop, and searches in the deepest, dustiest filing drawers she can find. There - to her amazement -

He said, "Look at my hair. It used to be so magnificent, but it's completely gone now. My hair can't be saved. But look outside at the forest. It's such a lovely forest with so many trees, but sooner or later they'll all be cut down and this forest will look as bald as my hair."

"What I want you to do..." the man continued. "Is, every time a tree is cut down or dies, plant a new one in my memory. Tell your descendants to do the same. It shall be our family's duty to keep this forest strong."

So they did.

Each time the forest lost a tree, the children replanted one, and so did their children, and their children after them.

And for centuries, the forest remained as lush and pretty as it once was, all because of one man and his re-seeding heirline.

His best friend, Roy, was known around town for having an adventurous streak that a small town just couldn't satisfy. Roy yearned to travel the world, to rub shoulders with the well-to-do, and to squeeze every drop of excitement he could out of life. While most young folk in town, my grandpa included, were resigned to their lot, Roy was driven by his dream. He worked incredibly hard, taking every hired-hand and handy-man job he could find. He would walk five miles each way to clean a gutter if there was a nickel to be made. His hometown was always spotless, because Roy would pick up every glass bottle he saw to get the deposit back, and every can he found would get turned in for recycling.

The years stretched on. Grandpa settled down with his high school sweetheart in a one-room cottage and had my dad, and not much else. Roy kept hurrying from one job to the next, never spending a dime on a date. Everyone would just roll their eyes and quietly gossip about how poor Roy's obsession was robbing him of a real life.

One day, Roy showed up at Grandpa's house, all decked out in a brand new khaki safari kit, complete with helmet, binoculars, and elephant gun, and announced that he had finally saved up enough for passage to Africa to go big game hunting. He was especially proud of the fine leather boots he was sporting. "Indestructable" he called them, totally impenetrable to water, wind, and snow. No trench-foot for him while he tracked rhinos on the savannah!

Grandpa congratulated Roy on his achievement and wished him bon voyage. Over the next three months, the town felt Roy's absence. Litter lay where it fell, gutters overflowed in heavy rain, small-time farmers rose that bit earlier and bedded that bit later to cover the work Roy used to help with. Of course, the gossipers just turned their chat from how Roy needed a dose of reality to how thoughtless it was of him to just up and leave. Most folks were convinced Roy was gone for good. After all, how could he come back from such a high-falutin' adventure to his tiny, no-account hometown?

But return Roy did, and everyone crowded around at the bar to hear his account of his safari. To their surprise, Roy told them that, for all the time he had been away, he only bagged one trophy that was currently on a slow boat back. It turned out, once Roy got a close-up look at the elephants, rhinos, giraffes, gazelles, and all the fine animals of the African savannah, he lost all heart for hunting. He just couldn't imagi

They notice a sign for the watchtower challenge. They ask the tour guide what it’s about and he says “if you can drop your watch from the top of the old watchtower and catch it before it hits the ground, you win a million in gold to take home.” The Englishman goes first, drops his watch and runs down the steps, but he’s got no chance and his watch is completely broken. Then the Scotsman tries: he throws his watch up as high as he can to get more time, but his watch also smashes on the ground. But then the Irishman goes. He drops his watch and casually strolls down the watchtower steps. He goes straight over the road for a couple of drinks at the pub, and plays a game of pool. He then walks back over the road, waits a few minutes and catches his watch. The tour guide asks, “how did you manage that?” and the Irishman says “it was easy… my watch is an hour slow.”

After four days of nothing to eat I was delirious from starvation. In my desperation I went hunting for the first thing that looked remotely appetizing. Soon I stumbled upon an indigenous macaque, and with a focused throw of my spear I skewered it in one hit.

Only half the battle was over, though. I had no idea what to do with this corpse. I've cooked easy things like beef, poultry, and pork but never a monkey. Fortunately, a wandering traveler came by, so I asked him how I should prepare it. He said, "That's easy. Just boil the monkey. Nice and fast." Then he left.

While it did sound easy, boiled meat usually doesn't taste good. However, another wandering traveler soon meandered by, so I asked him what to do. He said, "If you're patient and want good flavor, slowly spit roast the monkey over a fire." He then walked away.

That sounded much better, but I was too hungry to wait that long. As fate would have it, a third wandering traveler sauntered by, so I asked for his advice. He said, "If you're pressed for time but still want something delicious, then skin the monkey, render its fat, and deep fry the meat in its own fat." He went on his way.

I had three unique options to pick from, and while I hadn't immediately chosen one I definitely learned something new:

There's no wrong way to eat a rhesus.

I just laid down in bed and let one rip.

My wife says, "Jesus, why did you have to that now?"

I replied, "Sorry, my timing stinks."

Puns for Educated Minds ...

1. The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

2. I thought I saw an eye-doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

3. She was only a whisky-maker, but he loved her still.

4. A rubber-band pistol was confiscated from an algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.

5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

8. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

9. A hole has been found in the nudist-camp wall.. The police are looking into it.

10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

11. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

12.. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'

13. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

14. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab centre said: 'Keep off the Grass.'

15. The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

16. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

17. A backward poet writes inverse.

18.. In a democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.

19. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

20. If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you'd be in Seine.

21. A vulture carrying two dead raccoons boards an airplane. The stewardess looks at him and says, 'I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.'

22.. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says, 'Dam!'

23.. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

24.. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, 'I've lost my electron.' The other says, 'Are you sure?' The first replies, 'Yes, I'm positive.'

25. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root-canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.

26. There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

I used to be a crustaceologist that specialised in lobsters. I loved what I did, but I couldn't even get out of the house on my own after the accident, much less go to work. I fell into a deep depression.

My scientist friends wanted to cheer me up, and so they engineered a robot lobster that I could take care of. It was incredibly smart and slowly became my best friend. It was incredibly friendly and playful. It made every day a little bit brighter. I loved it like my own child. I named it Amy, after my beloved daughter that had moved away. For the first time since my disability, I started to feel truly happy. Motivated, I decided to go for brain surgery and finally get past the entire incident. It was risky, but I made it through. Life is better than its ever been now, and I owe it all to that one robot that changed it all.

Everything is so much better now, all thanks to my Lob-bot amy

Story time:

So over the holiday, while visiting my mom, she asked me to run and pick up some groceries she had on her shopping list. So of course, I pack up my kids and we are off to the store. As I am perusing the juice aisle, my daughter squeals, "ELSA!!!!" Sure enough, there was Elsa, on the label of a bottle of apple juice. I thought, "Apple juice is on the list and it will make my daughter happy? Boom getting it!" Fast forward to putting groceries away at my mom's house.

Mom: "Did you get everything on my list?"

Me: "Yes mom."

Mom: as I am handing her the Elsa apple juice "Oh I wanted you to get the frozen apple juice"

Me: my face shifting from a look of irritation to a stupid-cheesy smirk "That IS Frozen apple juice..."

Mom: fighting the urge to smack me while rolling her eyes "OMG."

This has been my favourite joke for at least a couple years now.

A man drives train in Bulgaria. One day, he falls asleep driving, and runs over someone walking on the tracks. Well, his case goes to court, and he gets the death sentence for murder. So, he's on death row and the executioner approaches him.

"What would you like for your last meal?"

"I would like a banana please."

The executioner thinks it's weird, but shrugs and gives him a banana. The guy eats his banana, waits awhile, and gets strapped into the electric chair. When the flip the switch, nothing happens! In Bulgaria, an act of divine intervention means you get released.

A few months go by, and the train driver has been working for a new company. Well, old habits die hard, and he falls asleep again, killing 2 people this time. The court has no patience for recklessness, so he ends up on death row again. After awhile, the same executioner from last time approaches him.

"You again? Shit. What do you want this time?"

"Two bananas please."

The executioner shrugs and hands him two bananas. A bit weird, but whatever. There's no way he can cheat death twice! But, when they flip the switch, nothing happens again. The train driver walks a second time.

Some time passes, and the executioner is very busy. After another few months, the same dude shows up, apparently having run over 3 people with a train. Exacberated, the executioner approaches him for the third time.

"Let me guess. Three bananas?"

"Actually yes! How did you know?"

"Top bad! This has gone on long enough. No more bananas! Today you fry."

So, the train driver gets strapped into the chair with no last meal. But, when they flip the switch, nothing happens again.

"I dont get it," says the executioner. "I didnt let you eat any bananas!"

"Its not the bananas. I'm a bad conductor."

Edit: Thanks for the Gold stranger! Edit: And Silver!

Nice belt!

My daughter and I have been trading these. Here is our current list - would love to hear more!

1. I lost my job at the chess factory. I couldn’t work knights.
2. I lost my job at the bank. A lady asked me to check her balance so I pushed her over.
3. I lost my job at the keyboard factory. I wasn’t putting in enough shifts.
4. I lost my job at the calendar factory. I took too many days off.
5. I lost my job as a maze designed. I got lost in my work.
6. I lost my job as an electrician. I was shocked!
7. I lost my job as a psychic. I didn’t see it coming!
8. I lost my job at the funeral home. Apparently, the options are “cremation” or “burial,” not “smoking” or “non-smoking.”
9. I lost my job as an astronomer. I thought my work was looking up!
10. I lost my job as a cyber criminal. I couldn’t hack it.
11. I lost my job as a human cannonball. I got fired!
12. I lost my job as a garbage collector. I had no training but I thought I would pick it up as I go.
13. I lost my job as a math teacher, same job I’ve had since 2000. That’s 46 years down the drain!
14. I lost my job in pool maintenance. It was too draining.
15. I lost my job as a fisherman. I didn’t make enough net income.
16. I lost my job as a baker. I really kneaded the dough!
17. I lost my job as a historian. There was no future in it.
18. I lost my job as a tour guide in Australia. I did not have the right koalafications.
19. I lost my job at the upholstery repair shop. I may never recover.
20. I lost my job as a massage therapist. I rubbed people the wrong way.
21. I lost my job as a seamstress. And I tried sew hard.
22. I lost my job as a musician. I just wasn’t noteworthy.
23. I lost my job at the unemployment office. And I still need to go back there tomorrow.
24. I lost my job feeding giraffes. I just wasn’t up to it.
25. I lost my job as a water slide attendant. My career is going down the tubes.
26. I lost my job at the paper shredding factory. It was a tearable job.
27. I lost my job as a drummer. I’m sure there will be repercussions.
28. I lost my job as a pole vaulter. I'll never get over it.
29. I lost my job as a pet groomer. I couldn’t make heads or tails of it.
30. I lost my job as a pastry tester. That job was a piece of cake.
31. I lost my job as a mirror inspector. I could see myself doing that for a long time.
32. I lost my job as a yoga instructor. I bent over backwards for them.
33. I lost my job at Dunkin. It’s ok, I was fed up wit

Every single time my response was, "I can't put your shoes on. They don't fit me."

I would laugh, they would glare. It was good times. Hopefully some of you with toddlers get as much mileage out of this one as I did.

He said, "Look at my hair. It used to be so magnificent, but it's completely gone now. My hair can't be saved. But look outside at the forest. It's such a lovely forest with so many trees, but sooner or later they'll all be cut down and this forest will look as bald as my hair."

"What I want you to do..." the man continued. "Is, every time a tree is cut down or dies, plant a new one in my memory. Tell your descendants to do the same. It shall be our family's duty to keep this forest strong."

So they did.

Each time the forest lost a tree, the children replanted one, and so did their children, and their children after them.

And for centuries, the forest remained as lush and pretty as it once was, all because of one man and his re-seeding heirline.