Deep house Puns

He had multiple tractors on his farm, tractor posters on his walls, watched documentaries about tractors, in short, his house was full of tractor paraphernalia.

One day, the Bob's wife, Mary was taking a stroll out in the fields, just where he happened to be riding one of his tractors. Bob was gunning it up and down the fields, having a blast. But then he started driving in the direction of his wife. Despite her screams, Bob couldnt hear Mary over the loud engine of his tractor, and ended up unfortunately running her over.

After this, Bob felt guilty about killing his wife. He sold all of his tractors, he took down all of his posters, and threw away all of his tractor merch. He sold his farm and bought a new house in the suburbs to further distance himself from tractors.

After a few years, Bob felt it was time to start dating again, so he started going to his local coffee shop, hoping to find a new girlfriend. Bob was pleased to find the most beautiful woman he had ever seen, so he introduced himself, and they really hit it off. They started going on dates and got to know each other better.

After a few years of dating, Bob felt it was time to propose, so he prepared a beautiful date in the fanciest restaurant in the city. They had a lovely dinner and before they ordered dessert, he decided it was time to propose. But as Bob got the ring box out of his pocket he dropped it, and bending over to pick it up, he knocked his head on the table, knocking a candle over. The candle set fire to the tablecloth and quickly spread to the carpet.

A waiter quickly came up and poured a big jug of water onto the fire in order to put it out, but this caused a plume of smoke to come up, filling the restaurant. Everyone was choking and coughing, so Bob takes a deep breath, sucking in all of the smoke, and runs out of the restaurant. He pokes his head out the door and breathes out, all of the smoke flying away outside. His date is amazed and asked "Wow! how did you do that?"

Bob laughed and said "It's quite simple, I'm an Ex-Tractor Fan"

Save them to your Phone and always have witty jokes at the palm of your hand.

3.14 percent of sailors are pi-rates.

5/4 of people admit they’re bad at fractions.

A bartender broke up with her boyfriend, but he kept asking her for another shot.

A brain walks into a bar and takes a seat. “I’d like some wings and a pint of beer, please,” it says. “Sorry, but I can’t serve you,” the bartender replies. “You’re out of your head.”

A cheeseburger walks into a bar. The bartender says, 'Sorry, we don't serve food here.'

A college education now costs $100,000, but it produces three very proud people: the student, his mama, and his pauper.

A couple of cups of yogurt walk into a country club. “We don’t serve your kind here,” the bartender says. “Why not?” one yogurt asks. “We’re cultured.”

A friend of mine didn’t pay his exorcist. He got repossessed.

A friend of mine is known for sweeping girls off their feet. He’s an extremely aggressive janitor.

A guy walks into a bar, and there’s a horse serving drinks. The horse asks, “What are you staring at? Haven’t you ever seen a horse tending bar before?” The guy says, “It’s not that. I just never thought the parrot would sell the place.”

A guy walks into a bar...and he was disqualified from the limbo contest.

A pirate walks into a bar with a paper towel on his head. The bartender says, “What’s with the paper towel?” The pirate says, “Arrr! I’ve got a Bounty on me head!”

A turtle is crossing the road when he’s mugged by two snails. When the police ask him what happened, the shaken turtle replies, “I don’t know. It all happened so fast.”

Armed robbers—some say they’re a drain on society, but you’ve got to give it to them.

Barbers…you have to take your hat off to them.

Can February March? No, but April May!

Cooking out this weekend? Don’t forget the pickle. It’s kind of a big dill.

Dad, can you put my shoes on? No, I don't think they'll fit me.

Dad, can you put the cat out? I didn't know it was on fire.

Dad, did you get a haircut? No, I got them all cut!

Dad: Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? Son: No. What happened? Dad: The teacher woke him up.

Daughter: I have a lot of friends named Nathan. There’s Nathan Miller, Nathan Radcliff, Nathan Lewis… Me: When they are together, do you call them the United Nathans?

Dear Math, grow up and solve your own problems.

Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head!

Did you hear about the aquatic sea mammals that escape

He comes across a nativity scene with animals, Mary, Joseph, Jesus and the three wise men wearing firemen's suits and helmets, carrying axes and holding a hose.

The confused guy knocks on the homeowner's door and says "that's a great nativity scene but what's up with the wise men?"

"Whatta ya mean?" the homeowner asks in a deep South voice.

"Why are they all in firemen's outfits? It makes no sense," the New Yorker answers.

The homeowner says "It's in the bible, the nativity story."

"I don't think so," the New York man replies.

The homeowner runs in the house, comes back with her bible, turns to Matthew 12 and says "See yer wrong. It's right dere on the first line - "the wise men came from afar."

They crept in. It was pitch black and stone quiet. They were suddenly starting to regret this dare. Stupidly, only one brought a flash light. The aggressive darkness and inky black yielded with grudging compliance but always seeming to push back. They moved cautiously onward amid the dust and cobwebs. The floor creaked. They breathed in tight, quick breaths. You could hear a pin drop.

Suddenly, there was a deep moan. "OOOOOOOOUUUUU". It seemed from below them. The house had been abandoned for years. Who or what could make such a sound? The boys looked at each other, but continued on, hearts pounding in their chests.

As they proceeded into the kitchen they encountered a swarm of flies. Buzzing and beating their necks and faces, they rushed and stumbled to the door, not stopping to see what they were truly feasting on. They slammed the door behind them. Maybe a body? But no way were they going back to find out. And again came the sound, "ooooOOOOOooooOOUUU" but louder this time, and closer.

They proceeded through the dark into the dining room. They saw a fully set dining table covered in cob webs. Dust-covered regal-looking glasses, goblets and silverware adorned the table. Spiders climbed on ivory plates. Clearly a house of privilege and set for a grand feast which never happened.

Or, perhaps, met a fatal end?

They pushed on. But again that unearthly howl.

"oooooOOOOOOOOOOOUuuuuUUUUuuUUOOOOooo".

They found the basement staircase, and from below, the sounds seemed to be emanating. Could they proceed? Would they? Did they dare? Two of the boys looked at each other, faces filled with worry.

But the third said, confidently, "We're going down there." Not wanting to seem the weaker, the other two boys steeled themselves and nodded.

The stairs creaked and groaned evily under their feet. The rickety banister shook in angry defiance. Insects and vermin scattered underneath them with every step. They were descending into hell, they knew, but none would turn back.

And the sound: "oOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUuuuuUUOOOO". Now loud enough to fill not only their heads but seeming to claw at their very souls!

Now at the basement door! The antique, crying squeak of the hinges eeeeeeEEEEEEEEEEee made the boys wince and almost cover their ears. But they had to know. WHAT is making that horrible, terrible sound?

"ooooooooooOOOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUoooooUUUUUUUOOOOOOO"

In the center of the basement lay an unholy coffin! A twisted artistic expression of murder, decay and

I dug the grass into a neat rectangle and deep enough that the wildlife won't exhume it unexpectedly.

Was unsure whether to have a religious ceremony as they were eggnostic but I had a lovely intimate service organised attended by it's close hens.

After the burial a little green shoot grew from the ground. And over the coming weeks it shot up to as tall as the house. A straight cylindrical shaft.

It was a poul-tree

I used to be a crustaceologist that specialised in lobsters. I loved what I did, but I couldn't even get out of the house on my own after the accident, much less go to work. I fell into a deep depression.

My scientist friends wanted to cheer me up, and so they engineered a robot lobster that I could take care of. It was incredibly smart and slowly became my best friend. It was incredibly friendly and playful. It made every day a little bit brighter. I loved it like my own child. I named it Amy, after my beloved daughter that had moved away. For the first time since my disability, I started to feel truly happy. Motivated, I decided to go for brain surgery and finally get past the entire incident. It was risky, but I made it through. Life is better than its ever been now, and I owe it all to that one robot that changed it all.

Everything is so much better now, all thanks to my Lob-bot amy

...and as he looks across the road he sees a man with a giant orange head. The man with the giant orange head looks over and smiles, crossing the road to speak to the other man.

"I'm so sorry, "says the first man, "I didn't mean to stare at you!" "It's absolutely fine," says the man with the giant orange head, "Happens all the time. I bet you're wondering how I got this giant orange head." "Well, yes!" replied the first man. "Well...my grandmother died recently. She had been unwell for a long time and basically raised me as my parents had died when I was very young. She raised me alone as my grandfather had died before I was born. We didn't have very much but we were happy. I loved her very much. After her funeral, it was time to clear the house as it was rented and I wanted to move on anyway. I was up in the attic going through her papers and I saw this dusty old lamp. I lifted it, gave it a little rub and there was a huge flash. When I opened my eyes there was a strange looking man. It felt like he looked into my soul. 'I am the genie of the lamp' he said, 'and I grant you three wishes' I didn't believe him at first but deep within me I knew it was true. He asked me what my first wish was and clichéd as it was, I said World Peace."

"Hahaha...how did that work out?" asked the first man.

"Well, " replied the man with the giant orange head, "have you heard of any wars or riots happening in the last few days?"

"Come to think of it, " said the first man, "You're right. The news has been pretty positive! Wow! That's amazing. So what did you choose for your second wish?"

"I gave it a few minutes thought this time " smiled the man with the giant orange head, "and remembering how poor we were, I wished for an unending supply of money."

"Did it work??" asked the first man.

"It did!" replied the man with the giant orange head, "here's £10,000 from my pocket. Enjoy it, I've got as much as I want."

"Wow, thank you so much!" said the first man, "that's incredibly generous of you, I don't know what to say! Oh wait! What did you ask for for your third wish?"

"I wished for a giant orange head."

And he was a very talented guitarist, so good in fact that one day his friend the chicken turned to him and asked would he like to be in a band with him. The horse of course agreed he and the chicken who played the drums went looking for a singer and a bassist. They decided to approach the Sheep who was the best singer on the farm, the Sheep agreed and told them about how the Pig was a pretty good bass player so they all asked him to join the band and he agreed.

So The Barnyard Animals got to work practicing and rehearsing their little hearts out. They started playing open mic nights and gained some traction. After a few years they managed to get signed by a major record label and The Barnyard Animals became an international phenomenon. They toured in every country for the better part of a decade until they finally decided retire. The Horse decided to settle down in English countryside, the Chicken went to Australia, the Pig went to Japan and the Sheep went to New Zealand.

A few years later Gary Barlow contacts the Horse about getting The Barnyard Animals back together for a big charity Live Aid type concert in Wembley. The Horse contacts his band mates and they all agree. So the Pig, the Sheep and the Chicken all fly out to Singapore and get the same connection to London. But in a terrible turn of events the plane crashes and all The Barnyard Animals apart from the horse die in a fiery inferno.

The horse upon finding out that his oldest friends have all died goes into a deep depression. He locks himself in his house and tries to drink his pain away. A few weeks later when every bottle of anything that could be drank had been drunk. He puts on his hat and sunglasses so no one would be able to recognise him and heads to the closest pub. So the Horse walks into a bar and the barman says "Hey, why the long face?"

So, Bill and Melinda Gates are getting a divorce She gets the house and He gets the Windows!

According to Melinda Gates, Bill just didn't Excel at his marriage. Apparently he had no Power Points while arguing, but he always had to have the last Word And now that he no longer had Access to her heart, the Outlook was not looking good for them. They couldn’t work together as Teams On the Surface they were a perfect couple, but deep down there was hardly any Kinect. He kept everything hidden like an X-Box and she never found it re- Azuring. The main reason she divorced Bill Gates because he was in Office365 days.

Trevor loved tractors. And I mean, really loved tractors. Forget any obsessions or high-level interests you may have, chances are they pale in the face of Trevor’s love for tractors.

Every day Trevor would get up, in his tractor-themed bedroom in his tractor-themed house, with its tractor-themed wallpaper and tractor-themed carpets, and he would make his bed with its tractor-themed duvet and tractor-themed sheets. He would go downstairs in his tractor-themed pajamas into his tractor-themed kitchen, with its tractor-themed tiles and cupboards, and he would eat his breakfast while perusing the latest tractor-themed magazine or annual.

Trevors’s degree in Agricultural Engineering hung on his living room wall, along with a copy of his thesis, which centred around (you guessed it) tractors. The living room was decorated with all sorts of tractor-related trinkets, including die-cast models, paintings and drawings.

The hedges in Trevor’s front garden were trimmed in the shape of tractors. His lawn was vividly decorated with tractor-driving garden gnomes, and his garden furniture was constructed from various parts from vintage tractor designs.

Trevor just had one thing missing from his otherwise tractor-centric life; he had never actually owned, nor driven, a real tractor.

Not for his lack of trying, of course. Trevor had been to many tractor shows over the years, and visited many farms with friends of his, but none of the tractors he had seen had ever been quite right. Trevor was so knowledgeable about tractors that every single one he had come across had possessed some hidden trait that he wasn’t keen on. His first experience of driving a real tractor had to be perfect.

One day, Trevor was flicking through one of his favourite publications, Powertrain Quarterly, when there was a knock at the door. Trevor answered, and it was his friend and fellow tractor enthusiast, Jeff.

Trevor welcomed Jeff in, and over tea and crumpets served on tractor-themed crockery, they discussed the merits of aluminium drawbars and front-end loaders. Eventually Trevor pressed Jeff to explain the reason for his visit.

“Well” said Jeff, “As I’m sure you know the convention comes to town later”.

The convention. Trevor had been thinking of little else the past three weeks. The neighbouring town annually threw a convention for farmers, particularly farmyard machinery. There would be combine harvesters, lawnmowers, and of course, tractors.

“Yes of course” replied Trevor

A man was a painter, he sold paint and also painted houses for people. However, he liked to water down the paint and thin it. He would cheat his customers by forcing them to buy more paint than they needed due to the low quality.

One day, while up on a ladder painting a house with his thinned paint a bolt of lightning struck at him and he fell to the ground.

He heard a deep booming voice from heaven yell "repaint and thin no more!"

A little boy named Tom was approaching his 3rd birthday, and absolutely adored the show "Tractor Tom", partially because of his name being spoken, and partially because he loved tractors.

As the day drew nearer, his parents decided to buy him a toy tractor as a gift. The rest of his toys were gone with the wind at this point, as Tom spent all his waking hours playing with this one tractor toy.

Fast forward a few years, and Tom's now approaching his 10th birthday, with his love for tractors intact and intensified. His parents discuss what to get for him, and decide that a ride-on tractor to replace his bike is the best gift they can give him.

Tom absolutely loves the gift, and spends all of his time out of school riding around the neighbourhood while his bike collects dust in the garage.

We come forward a few more years, as Tom approaches his 18th birthday, with an only intensified adoration of tractors. His father pulls him aside on the morning of his birthday, saying "Now son, I know that we've promised you a car, but we know what you really want."

He leads him outside, to a brand new tractor with a bow on it, saying that this is his welcome to adulthood.

Tom is beyond excited, and spends the next few months going everywhere in his tractor - grocery trips, bars, classes, friends' houses.....

Again, a few years later, Tom is driving down a back country road, in the middle of nowhere, with his tractor, in the middle of a storm. The tractor breaks down, and with no air conditioning or any form of modern comforts, Tom is in a miserable mood until someone finally comes past for him to flag down for help. After this, Tom realises that although tractors are fun, maybe they're not the best transport method out there.

Tom ages through a few more years, and finds himself driving down another road in the middle of nowhere in his car, and sees a house on fire just off the road. Being a good samaritan, he pulls over and heads up the driveway to a woman running out of the house screaming "Please, help, help! My baby is trapped in there! Go and call 911, please!"

Tom turns around, then, before leaving, has a brainwave.

He turns back and walks towards the flames, saying "Don't worry, ma'am, I've got this."

He takes a deep breath in, and the fire disappears into nothingness. As you'd expect, the woman is in awe, and asks, "Oh my God, how did you do that?!"

Tom simply responds, "Well you see ma'am, I'm an extractor fan."

when there was a terrible accident. The fire in his forge had gone out of control and set fire to the shop. The blacksmith nearly lost his life. He was bedridden for many months and relied on the help of his children and grandchildren to feed him, bathe him, and take care of all of his needs. Eventually he was able to get back on his feet, though his outlook on life had turned quite grim. He was now able to take care of himself, but he had lost much of his strength and dexterity from the injuries he sustained and he was unable to practice his trade. He fell into a deep depression and he spent most of his days sitting at home in front of the fireplace gazing into the flames, longing for the days when his strong hands could grasp a hammer and strike a hot piece of iron, slowly forging it into a beautiful piece of work.

One evening when the old man was sitting in front of the fire, he heard a knock at the door. It was his granddaughter, whom he hadn't seen in many months. She had overheard her father talking to her mother about how her grandfather was slowly slipping away into depression and hopelessness and she wanted to help. To the old man's surprise, she had brought him a puppy. "I thought that since you're always here all by yourself that you might want someone you keep you company," the granddaughter said. The old man's eyes welled up with tears and the little puppy instantly jumped into his arms and began licking the tears from his face. The old man and his granddaughter spent the next several hours sitting on the floor of his house watching the puppy chase around a rubber ball, bouncing, jumping, panting, and licking. In that short time, the old man had made complete turnaround from being sad, lonely, and hopeless, to smiling from ear to ear, full of joy with his new-found companion. As the hours grew late and the puppy grew tired, the granddaughter said "Well Opa, I'm glad you like your puppy, but it's late and I should be heading home. By the way, what are you going to call him?" "Life," said the old man, "because he has given me a new meaning and joy to mine." The granddaughter kissed her grandfather on the cheek, wished him goodnight, and she left.

Many years passed and all the while, the old man and his little dog were inseparable. Everywhere the old man went, Life was always with him whether it was the post office, the grocery store, and even when the old man went to the barber shop, the little dog would sit patiently until the last hair on

Back when I was maybe 14, I was sitting out on the front porch of my grandmother's house with "the guys," AKA my cousin, his dad/my uncle, and my dad. It was wickedly hot and there were a few annoying flies buzzing around. We were just sitting quietly, taking in the afternoon. Out of nowhere, my uncle, a big guy with a deep, gravelly voice says, "Time's fun when you're having flies." The rest of us were in stitches, it was so clever and dumb at the same time.

When I was a kid my dad would take me to this public pool by our house. He'd carry my because the water was too deep for me but he'd always fall into these damn holes and I'd end up underwater. Sure it was kind of fun but when I got older I couldn't find any holes.

TL;DR My dad is a fucking LIAR. j/k love you dad

So I laid on the floor in the kitchen after deep cleaning the entire house and yelled

"HOW DID THIS TRASH GET ON THE FLOOR?!?!?!"

Mind you, she's already mid rant about having to clean anything else at this point...and her walking in to see only me laying there almost got me divorced.

A long, long time ago in Egypt the Israelites were held as slaves. One day the evil Pharaoh passed a decree that no Israelite could cut the grass outside their house.

The grass grew and grew, covering the houses and making it quite an ordeal for the Israelites to go to work in the morning, which put a bit of a strain on the old pyramid building that was all the rage at the time. But Pharaoh didn't care and the edict still stood. No Israelite could cut the grass outside their home.

Eventually the elders had had enough and called upon Moses, who had a bit of a rapport with Pharaoh, being brought up together and all that jazz.

"Moses, you must convince Pharaoh to see sense and let us remove the grass from outside our homes!" they implored.

Moses nodded, picked up his staff and sought an audience with Pharaoh.

In the royal chambers, Moses approached Pharaoh. "Yes, Moses? How can I help?" asked Pharaoh.

Moses stood tall, stared deep into Pharaoh's eyes, raised his staff aloft, cleared his throat and with a booming voice said, "Pharaoh! Let my people mow!"

My cousin is helping me and my family build an addition onto my existing house. Currently, we're working on screwing in drywall to the inside of one of the rooms, which I suck at. He walks into the room as I drive ANOTHER screw too deep into the drywall, and he asks, "Hey man, what're you doing?" I reply "Oh you know, just fucking up drywall," in an unsuccessful attempt to make myself laugh. without even skipping a beat, he said, "You mean you're screwing it up?"

Fuck him. He's a better dad than I ever will be, and he's not even a dad yet.

They crept in. It was pitch black and stone quiet. They were suddenly starting to regret this dare. Stupidly, only one brought a flash light. The aggressive darkness and inky black yielded with grudging compliance but always seeming to push back. They moved cautiously onward amid the dust and cobwebs. The floor creaked. They breathed in tight, quick breaths. You could hear a pin drop.

Suddenly, there was a deep moan. "OOOOOOOOUUUUU". It seemed from below them. The house had been abandoned for years. Who or what could make such a sound? The boys looked at each other, but continued on, hearts pounding in their chests.

As they proceeded into the kitchen they encountered a swarm of flies. Buzzing and beating their necks and faces, they rushed and stumbled to the door, not stopping to see what they were truly feasting on. They slammed the door behind them. Maybe a body? But no way were they going back to find out. And again came the sound, "ooooOOOOOooooOOUUU" but louder this time, and closer.

They proceeded through the dark into the dining room. They saw a fully set dining table covered in cob webs. Dust-covered regal-looking glasses, goblets and silverware adorned the table. Spiders climbed on ivory plates. Clearly a house of privilege and set for a grand feast which never happened.

Or, perhaps, met a fatal end?

They pushed on. But again that unearthly howl.

"oooooOOOOOOOOOOOUuuuuUUUUuuUUOOOOooo".

They found the basement staircase, and from below, the sounds seemed to be emanating. Could they proceed? Would they? Did they dare? Two of the boys looked at each other, faces filled with worry.

But the third said, confidently, "We're going down there." Not wanting to seem the weaker, the other two boys steeled themselves and nodded.

The stairs creaked and groaned evily under their feet. The rickety banister shook in angry defiance. Insects and vermin scattered underneath them with every step. They were descending into hell, they knew, but none would turn back.

And the sound: "oOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUuuuuUUOOOO". Now loud enough to fill not only their heads but seeming to claw at their very souls!

Now at the basement door! The antique, crying squeak of the hinges eeeeeeEEEEEEEEEEee made the boys wince and almost cover their ears. But they had to know. WHAT is making that horrible, terrible sound?

"ooooooooooOOOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUoooooUUUUUUUOOOOOOO"

In the center of the basement lay an unholy coffin! A twisted artistic expression of murder, decay and

They snuck from their beds in the middle of the night and met in the gloomy darkness in front of the house, shivering in the cold.

The first boy said in a loud whisper, "You guys bring anything?" He slid a gun out of his pocket. The second boy nodded and revealed a knife. The third boy pulled out a flashlight.

"You didn't bring a weapon?" the first boy asked. He shrugged and replied, "Sorry". And as if to prove it, he turned his pockets out to show nothing but stray lint and a pack of cough drops.

They crept in. The door shut behind them. It was pitch black and stone quiet. They were suddenly starting to regret this dare. The flash light clicked on. The aggressive darkness and inky black yielded with grudging compliance but always seeming to push back. They moved cautiously onward amid the dust and cobwebs. The floor creaked. They breathed in tight, quick breaths. You could hear a pin drop.

Suddenly, there was a deep moan. "OOOOOOOOUUUUU". It seemed from below them. The house had been abandoned for years. Who or what could make such a sound? The boys looked at each other, but continued on, hearts pounding in their chests.

As they proceeded into the kitchen they encountered a swarm of flies. Buzzing and beating their necks and faces, they rushed and stumbled to the door on the other side, not stopping to see what they were truly feasting on. They slammed the door behind them. Maybe a dead body? But no way were they going back to find out. And again came the sound, "ooooOOOOOooooOOUUU" but louder this time, and closer.

They proceeded through the dark into the dining room. They found a fully set, ornate dining table covered in cob webs. Dust-covered regal goblets, pitchers and silverware adorned the table. Spiders crept over ivory plates. Clearly a house of privilege and set for a grand feast which never happened.

Or, perhaps, met a fatal end?

They pushed on. But again that unearthly howl.

"oooooOOOOOOOOOOOUuuuuUUUUuuUUOOOOooo".

They found the basement staircase, and from below, the sounds seemed to be emanating. Could they proceed? Would they? Did they dare? Two of the boys looked at each other, faces filled with worry.

But the third said confidently, "We're going down there." Not wanting to seem the weaker, the other two boys steeled themselves and nodded.

The stairs creaked and groaned evily under their feet. The rickety banister shook in angry defiance. Insects and vermin scattered underneath them with every step. They were descending into hel