My wife is teaching my little ones (3/1) about bugs so they wrote β€œAnt” in honey on a piece of paper to attract them and set it out on the deck. She was sad When we went out to check later that day, only one was there.

You should have pluralized it and more would have shown up!

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/vtfb79
πŸ“…︎ Jun 27 2020
🚨︎ report
A young-looking sea captain comes on deck to greet his crew for the first time and one man blurted out by accident, "He's a baby!"

The captain responded, "No shit, I used to be a seaman."

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/blekais
πŸ“…︎ Sep 10 2019
🚨︎ report
I was on an amazing cruise, eating dinner on the deck looking out over the water when I dropped my silverware off the edge and into the ocean.

It was un-fork-getable.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/this_is_grand
πŸ“…︎ Oct 28 2018
🚨︎ report
While out caroling one Christmas eve, Jeff & Don were tragically killed in the middle of singing "Deck the Halls". In a strange twist, they were reincarnated as ass-less leather chaps. Jeff looked at his friend and said...

..."Don, we now are gay apparel."

πŸ‘︎ 71
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/AbattoirOfDuty
πŸ“…︎ Dec 24 2015
🚨︎ report
What do you call an Irishman that's passed out on your deck?

Paddy O'Furniture

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Russ_T_Razor
πŸ“…︎ Mar 17 2016
🚨︎ report
Card dealers in Las Vegas are quite rich.

They often decked out.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Pun-isher42
πŸ“…︎ Jun 03 2019
🚨︎ report
The Pirate (Long)

A pirate walks into bar and sits down. The bartender notices that he has a peg leg, a hook for a hand, and a patch over one eye. The pirate orders a beer, and while he's pouring it the bartender asks "So what's the story with the leg?" "Well it were many a year ago," says the pirate. "I were walkin on the deck a me ship and a rogue wave swept me overboard, and a shark swum up and bit me leg clean off! I swum ashore and were fitted fer a peg leg that very night." "That's terrible," says the bartender. "What about the hand?" "Well it were the very next day," says the pirate. "I were walkin on the deck a me ship and a rogue wave swept me overboard again, and a whale came up and bit me hand clean off! I swum ashore and were fitted fer a hook that very night." "Wow," says the bartender. "So what about the eye?" "Well it were the very next day," says the pirate. "I were walkin on the deck a me ship, and I were lookin out fer rogue waves, and a seagull flew over and shit right in me eye!" "Oh man," says the bartender. "And that blinded you?" "Well no," says the pirate. "But it were me first day with the hook."

πŸ‘︎ 14
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/flyingfrig
πŸ“…︎ Feb 08 2020
🚨︎ report
Bus puns?

Friend of mine is going to be driving a bus around Australia, decked out motor home style. What are your best bus puns for a name?

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/newybrewy
πŸ“…︎ Nov 16 2017
🚨︎ report
It must be terrifying to have the last name Hall this season.

Everyone's out there trying to Deck the Halls.

πŸ‘︎ 26
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/zigbigidorlu
πŸ“…︎ Dec 15 2019
🚨︎ report
Captain Pun

There was a captain that was roused from his cabin by a commotion on his ship.

He ran out and yelled β€œWhats going on?!"

His first mate replied β€œWe Have Octopuses on the poop deck, captain!”

The Captain looked around as a few squid scurried around the deck and said β€œInform the passengers that our arrival to shore will be delayed due to... tentacle difficulties."

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/MalosBlade
πŸ“…︎ Oct 31 2019
🚨︎ report
A woman goes to the doctor clutching her cheek...

The doctor asks β€œWhat’s the problem?” The woman removes her her hand to reveal an area of green grass with a tree growing out of the middle, with some people in deck chairs picnicking next to a small lake. β€œOh that’s nothing to worry about” said the doctor, β€œits just a beauty spot”.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/cwwspurs
πŸ“…︎ Oct 10 2019
🚨︎ report
So there are these twins in my calculus class...

So in my calculus class last year in math, there were these two Chinese twins. Ving, and Ling. Ving was always super cool with me. In exchange for answers (he was super smart) I would hang out with him and be his friend and stuff. After I cheated off of him and studied with him though, I did get to be his friend and we got very close.

His sister, Ling, was always uptight about school and she made sure to study, she got stressed about a B, etc. One day I was hanging out with Ving, and we started talking about names. He went off on this huge rant about how he hated his, and how he wanted to change it to something more Asian-American, like Lee. I told him that the Courthouse downtown had a form that you could fill to legally change it. He told me: "I always give you answers. If you could just drive me down to the courthouse this one time, I will never forget you. I just hate this god-forsaken Chinese name and I want to get rid of it forever."

He seemed pretty adamant about it, so I decided the best decision would be to take him. We walked out to my car, and right as I put the keys in the ignition Ling came running and tapped on the car door like a madman. I rolled it down and she started freaking out about how Ving's name had been passed down through generations and generations, but Ving didn't care. He just wanted to go down to the Courthouse and get it over with.

Ling figured that coming with would be the best idea, so if anything else came up that she would be needed for, she would be there for Ving. Honestly, I felt stuck in the middle of a family feud, so I just took her along. When we got to the Courthouse, Ving confidently walked up to the front desk and asked the receptionist if he could change his name. She gave him a little packet of paper and told him to sit down. Ling and I waited patiently while Ving filled out his info. I was watching him fill it out and I noticed he really did want to change his name to Lee.

Before he finished, though, he started tearing up. He told me he couldn't change his name. He asked the lady at the front that he couldn't do it, and she told him he would need twenty dollars to cancel the request. Ling was so relieved and happy that he changed his mind, she dug through her purse, found the money, and started to hand it to the receptionist.

It was at this moment that the most stereotypical Asian man burst through the doors. He was wearing a Hawaiian shirt, a visor, American flag shorts, flip flops, everything. This

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/unknown_name
πŸ“…︎ Mar 15 2015
🚨︎ report
My Dad's Favorite Joke

Okay so the animals have been on the ark for thirty days and thirty nights and frankly they are getting bored. So to provide entertainment B-Deck challenges C-Deck to a game of football. They get it all set up and begin play. B-Deck makes some early gains but C-Deck is unstoppable. They have Rhinoceros and once he gets going you cant stop him. Soon the first half is over and the score is 24-7. The second half begins and while in the huddle Rhinoceros looks over at B-Decks defensive line and sees Centipede on their defensive line. "Give me the ball," he says, "There aren't going to be any centipedes in the new world because I'm crushing this one right here and right now" The Center snaps the ball and the quarterback hands it off to Rhinoceros who begins charging down Centipede. Centipede rears up grabs Rhinoceros by the legs and SLAMS him to the deck. Ball pops loose, centipede grabs the ball. He's rushing down the field weaving in and out and TOUCHDOWN!!! The crowd goes wild! C-Deck's captain, Lion rushes over and says, "Centipede that was amazing! Where were you in the first half?" "Well I was lacing my shoes."

πŸ‘︎ 33
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Bobby_849
πŸ“…︎ May 12 2018
🚨︎ report
Lost in the woods

If you are ever lost in the woods take out a deck of cards. Start playing solitaire and people will pop out of the wood works suggesting your next move.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/WestRobertson
πŸ“…︎ Feb 15 2019
🚨︎ report
I told my daughter I had a confession to make...

She followed me out to the deck, and I confessed to her that I have been smoking grass.

Then I opened the lid on my smoker....

πŸ‘︎ 71
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Drumlin
πŸ“…︎ Jun 05 2016
🚨︎ report
So I'm telling my son to do his chores...

This happened about 5 minutes ago; Dad: Son, go out and scoop the poop. See that crap over there? Yeah, the dog pooped on the deck, so get it all.

Son: (with a smirk on his face) So it's the poop deck? Hahahaha!!

We all laughed!

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/TangoWhiskey80
πŸ“…︎ Aug 11 2017
🚨︎ report
The tale of Ivan Ivanavich (Long)

There once was a man from the Ukraine named Ivan Ivanavich. Now Ivan and his family were dirt poor, in fact they were so poor, that they had to sell the cockroaches and rats they found in their hovel to make some spare change to to feed their many family members. One day, Ivan decided it was time to travel to the United States to try and have a better life and miraculously he managed to get aboard a ship to the States. Now his journey on this ship was miserable, he was down in the bowels of the ship, which was flooded with rats and feces, but he hunkered down and gave it his all to survive this terrible journey. finally, one day he hears commotion above, they had arrived at last. Ivan walks up to the topside of the old ship and sees the New York Harbor. He stands there amazed seeing such a beautiful sight. Ivan starts his life in New York but he doesn't have a significantly better life than the one he left behind. Nobody is interested in hiring immigrants but eventually he lands himself a gig of selling old newspapers. He would go through garbage cans to find old papers and would sell them to people in the poorer part of town. He makes slightly more spare change, but not really enough to live a better life. In his spare time, which he had plenty, he decides to start free diving in the bay. He goes there each day, and started to get really good at it. One day, an owner of a Circus spots him diving and is amazed at how good he is. He decides to offer Ivan a job at his circus doing performance diving. Ivan eagerly accepts and begins his career as a circus member performing amazing high jumps into really small containers of water. After a few months of doing this he suggests to the owner one amazing jump to wow everyone and put his circus on top of the entertainment world. The owner contemplates this and eventually agrees. He rents a ship much like the one Ivan arrived in and placed the smallest container yet. The radio and tv crews, journalist all arrive to spectate the event of a lifetime. The hour arrives and Ivan begins his climb up a massive lighthouse on the edge of the cliff, and the ship is positioned into place beneath him. Ivan is very nervous but decides it's go time, and jumps from the massive lighthouse. As Ivan falls, he takes perfect form heading straight towards his target. As he dives a sudden wave pushes the ship ever slightly throwing off the careful alignment. Ivan hits the deck and goes straight through the top of the ship. The spectato

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Entophreak
πŸ“…︎ Jan 31 2017
🚨︎ report
Do you know what Sherlock Holmes' favorite hobby is?

Taking the two's out of decks of cards.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/robotreader
πŸ“…︎ Aug 12 2013
🚨︎ report
Two-for-one Yoga dadjoke vs momjoke

I was building a new deck at the back of my house for a grill. Then I decided that it needed a counter for food prep, holding beers, etc. Well now that I have a counter, wouldn't it be great to have an outdoor fridge? Yes, yes it would. Needless to say, the size of the deck got a little out of control.

My wife sees the framing going up and says, "What do you need all this space for?"

I say, "Grilling meat and relaxation."

She responds, "Are you planning to do yoga while you grill?"

I say, "Yes. Downward Hot Dog."

She quips, "Careful, you wouldn't want to burn your little Warrior."

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/texasdonut
πŸ“…︎ Jun 20 2014
🚨︎ report
So, I made my co-worker walk out the room.

Today at work, my co-worker and I are decorating the group home we are working in for Christmas. As she finishes decorating the tree, she asks;

Her: The tree looks nice. I don't want to put the rest of the ornaments on it though, cause it'll look clutter. What should we do?

Me: Well... we can always deck the halls?

Followed by lots of laughing while she face palmed and walked out the room.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Mythical_Lies
πŸ“…︎ Dec 07 2014
🚨︎ report
The girlfriend was not pleased.

While making chicken for dinner... Girlfriend: Look, our chicken is bakin'! Me: Our chicken isn't bacon, it's chicken. Girlfriend: I'm going to go eat out on the deck...

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/JonerThrash
πŸ“…︎ Jun 09 2014
🚨︎ report

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.