What did the man say when the police pulled him over for dangerous driving and said "You're Drunk!"?

Thanks God for that I thought the steering had gone...

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Dartis_X-UI
πŸ“…︎ Feb 12 2020
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GF: "You made good time today"

Me: "I only use the best ingredients"

gf gives me a look

GF: "Ingredients for time?"

Me: "I never use tardy sauce"

gf leaves room

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πŸ‘€︎ u/droptheone
πŸ“…︎ Jun 17 2017
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A boy and his dad walk in a hospital

They see laying on a bed a man with no arms

Dad: Don’t approach him son! This man lost his arms in a mighty struggle and is dangerous!

Man without arms: Don’t worry guys, I’m armless.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/joujoubox
πŸ“…︎ Oct 29 2019
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When a dad joke is passed down to the next generation and turns into a mom joke...

I found myself using one of my favorite dad jokes recently... every time we pass some fresh roadkill while driving, my dad would say β€œman, that’s a dangerous place to take a nap”. Made me giggle every time. My own kids typically give me a courtesy laugh now. They don’t appreciate the dad/mom joke nearly as much as I did... and still do.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/knicholz
πŸ“…︎ Sep 30 2019
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Brainstorming food/movie theme nights. It es-kale-lated quickly. Only thing in my Bumble profile now.

When Harry Met Salad

What About Ke-Bob

Cumin to America

Weekend at Bearneaise II

Steakin I, II, & III

A Few Good Salmon

You’ve Got Kale

Shawshank Re-Dim Sum

Romancing the Scone

An Γ‰clair to Remember

Roman Hollandaise

Glazed and Confused

Bill & Ted’s Eggcellent Adventure

The Evil Bread

Kiss Kiss Bang Bang Shrimp

Fondue the Right Thing

Ribeyes Wide Shut

Mignons

Plante of the Grapes

Spider Manchu

Sushis All That

A Wok to Remember

Marsala-la Land

Apocalypse Cow

Die Chard

Die Chard with a Vinaigrette

Hogan’s Gyros

The Sand Latkes

A League of their Macaroni

Revenge of the Curds

Rush S’More

Braising Arizona

Demolition Ham

10 Things I hate About Ewe

Saladin

Oliver and Com-penne

Dirty Rotten Chanterelles

Sex and the Satay

The Truth About Cats & Hotdogs

Morella Enchanted

Provolone Together

Clear and Pheasant Danger

The Big Chili

LΓ©mon: The Professional

Ava-Tartare

Hocous Pocous

High Fi-Deli Meat

Madagascargot

The Fifth Elementos

Muensters Inc.

There’s Something About Rosemary

I Am Ham

Quiche Lorraine Man

Barley & Me

Lentil Giants

Peggy SoufflΓ© Got Married

Face Stroganoff

Con GruyΓ©re

Fast Times at Porridgemont High

Bok Choys in the Hood

Papillonion

Requinoa for a Dream

Serial Cardamom

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πŸ‘€︎ u/kat_fogg
πŸ“…︎ Jan 15 2019
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I guess dad jokes are universal, just got dad joked by my foreign language penpal

I have a penpal from Spain I talk to a lot. Today we were chatting on Google Chat in English, and the topic of whether or not sea lions were dangerous came up.

Me: okay google says "sea lion saves man" has 976,000 results

Her: that man has sinked so many times

Edit: Bonus, she continued laughing at her own joke.

Her: hahahahaha

Her: i cant stop laughing

Her: it was so bad joke

Her: hahaha

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πŸ‘€︎ u/digbybare
πŸ“…︎ Jan 17 2014
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Late night in Glasgow

Was walking along to a club late at night in Glasgow (considered a dangerous city in the UK) and an elderly man says to us:

"You better keep your eyes open tonight lads"

To which we reply "why, what's going on tonight?"

"Because you'll not be able to see where you're going with them shut"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/athanasios7592
πŸ“…︎ Sep 29 2013
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My uncle told me this one

Two men are walking in the jungle when suddenly one has to poop. He tells his friend and the friend says he has to go too. Of course there are many dangerous animals in the jungle so they are scared of going alone. Then the first man suggests that they get some leaves and squat back to back so they can keep an eye out. The second man agrees with him. While they are pooping a lion's roar erupts from the trees. The first man speaks

"You're sacred aren't you"

The a a second man not wanting to seem like a coward says no.

The first man says

"Then would you mind wiping your own ass"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/CoolAsACucumber
πŸ“…︎ Sep 18 2013
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