Dad, you have to talk normal and stop speaking in single letters. Can’t you see I’m going crazy?!

O I C U R

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πŸ‘€︎ u/shimmywaffles
πŸ“…︎ Mar 18 2020
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Food truck crazy talk
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πŸ‘€︎ u/romulusnr
πŸ“…︎ Mar 17 2015
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I used to be a taxi driver...

But I got sick of people talking behind my back.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/HorrifyingFlame
πŸ“…︎ Jan 07 2023
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So I met my girlfriends dad over the weekend.

As I'm packing my car with my gf's clothes and things, her dad comes to help and talks to me for a bit.

Her dad: "What's the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts?"

Me: Having read this one a few days prior on here, I reply, "Beer nuts are a buck fifty and deer nuts are under a buck" without skipping a beat.

Her dad: "I think we just broke some sort of protocol"

We both are grinning like crazy and my gf just shakes her head and gets in the car.

πŸ‘︎ 520
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πŸ‘€︎ u/leviathan713
πŸ“…︎ Dec 12 2013
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My first dad joke as a new father!

I was with my wife in the hospital after the birth of my first child.

Wife: It's crazy how she knows to suck on my boobies for food.

Me: Of course she knows. She wasn't born yesterday!

She shook her head and stopped talking to me. I have succeeded.

πŸ‘︎ 430
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CleanFlow
πŸ“…︎ Jun 15 2016
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Two factory workers talking

Two factory workers talking:

Woman: β€œI can make the boss give me the day off.”
Man: β€œAnd how would you do that?”
Woman: β€œJust wait and see.” She then hangs upside-down from the ceiling.

Boss comes in: β€œWhat are you doing?”
Woman: β€œI’m a light bulb.”
Boss: β€œYou’ve been working so much that you’ve gone crazy. I think you need to take the day off.”

The man starts to follow her and the boss says: β€œWhere are you going?”
The man says: β€œI’m going home, too. I can’t work in the dark.”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/hussainsalimdubai
πŸ“…︎ Oct 21 2019
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A sink walked up to the front door of a family's home, knocked, and asked to be let in.

Son: "woah, what the hell, that's a walking, knocking, talking sink, like what is that, can they even do that?"

Father: "of course they can, son. For centuries. Millennia even. They lay dormant for years at a time and then reanimate every once in a while to go somewhere new. "

Son: " I literally had no idea, that's insane, Dad."

Father: "pretty crazy, right? Now let that sink in."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/hyptian
πŸ“…︎ Oct 18 2019
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Crazy people.

I was talking with my mother about a crazy woman she worked for while she was an undergrad, and we got on the subject of how a lot of people in the academic world have strange personalities. She said something about how academia is different than other parts of life when I paused for a second and said "Well, mom, there are a lot of nuts in macadamia."

^(I know it doesn't make sense if you think about it, just turn off your brains for a minute please.)

Not a dad yet, but I aspire to walk among the best.

^^^EDIT: ^^^Formatting.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Skylarity
πŸ“…︎ May 04 2014
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Made a motivational dad joke

Recently I took a very spontaneous last minute trip across the country. It really cleared my head from all the nonsense in my life right now. A friend of mine got inspired by that and said fuck it, I'm going somewhere random too (he ended up deciding Zion Park in Utah). He texted me that he was getting anxious about it and was about to back out, so I replied "You can't back out now, you said you want to do something crazy so do it. Utah-k the talk, now you gotta walk the walk."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/lvl100Warlock
πŸ“…︎ Jul 26 2017
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Got my wife this morning...

The kids didn't find it funny either....

When she woke up this morning, I had coffee on the kitchen counter for her. a few minutes later she was talking about the new bed we bought, and having it come in on Monday. So, I make a crack about "testing" the new bed Monday night...

Wife: aaargghhh... you make me crazy. (as in "you're an idiot, stop talking to me")

Me: No, I made you a coffee. It's on the counter... remember...

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πŸ‘€︎ u/binky_snoosh
πŸ“…︎ Sep 27 2013
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I think he was waiting for the perfect moment to tell this joke.

So we're at my sisters just talking about dreams when my dad pops up, "hey this one night I had this CRAZY dream that I was a tipi, then the next night I had another dream that I was a wigwam. So I went to the doctor's and told him about my dreams and asked him about it and he said I was 'TOO TENSE'" He then proceeded to laugh out loud like this was the absolute most funniest thing he has ever heard as I got up and left the room.

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πŸ“…︎ Dec 30 2013
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I'm happy with this one.

My mom was talking about how if she was designing a house for a crazy cat lady. She was saying that she would have tunnels and rooms for only cats to travel through. I look at her half asleep and I say "are you talking about building catacombs?" She didn't think it was as funny as I did

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rozzelsniff
πŸ“…︎ Oct 06 2014
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Dadjoked the wedding photographer...

So I'm at a family wedding. The dance floor has been pretty quiet all night. It's getting late and a lot of people left already. For some reason, the DJ brings up YMCA and finally manages to get the remaining people going. By the time the Beejees come on with Stayin' Alive everyone is moving around, myself included, and there's a somewhat big group really going crazy and doing dance moves. The photographer gets real close and starts taking pictures. Then she leans over to me to talk, as I'm dancing with my girlfriend and one of her kids.

Photographer: "People suddenly really came to life, huh?"

Me: "Yes. This party is really... Staying alive."

Her groan was louder than the music.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TaTonka2000
πŸ“…︎ Jul 20 2014
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Grandpa joke - just as funny

A friend was talking to my grandpa once about how crazy her friend was because she kept putting her puppy in the fridge.

My grandpa responded with, "well...I guess she doesn't like hot dogs then eh?"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/GifftedIdeas
πŸ“…︎ Jun 12 2014
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My uncle laid this one on me today

Me and my cat really like discussions about philosophy, religion, and the like. The other day we got to talking about religions, and I asked her what religion she is. Well, she started licking my arm like crazy and wouldn't stop! That's when I realized, "OH MY GOD! She's a cat-o-lick!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/babosw
πŸ“…︎ Aug 18 2014
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Just got my roommate good with this one.

My roommate and I were talking about orgasms when he said "one day a psychologist will figure out a way to simulate one just by pressing a button, and then everybody will just mash the button like crazy."

"Wouldn't something like that kill you?"

"It'd certainly fuck with you."

"Yes, yes it would."

cue groan

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Tactical_Nick
πŸ“…︎ Mar 28 2015
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Got a coworker with this one. One of my favorites.

Me: You know, you should go camping more. It gets pretty crazy.

Him: What are you talking about?

Me: Dude, camping is in tents.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/triggershadow9er
πŸ“…︎ Jan 24 2015
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A squirrel was digging in the ground.

After a little while he finds something. Another squirrel sees he has found something so he approaches. This squirrel is acting really crazy, shaking and talking super fast. He asks "hey man, hey, hey what did you find?" The squirrel that was digging looks over and says "Your nuts!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/musicmanjams
πŸ“…︎ Mar 04 2014
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I had just ran a half marathon today, and my dad had this to say

So I am resting my legs lying down, and I was talking with my parents about the race. We talked about people we saw (since they were there to cheer me on) and my dad had a comment.

Dad: "You know what? I remember me and your mom saw a mom and dad, and they were pushing a stroller with a baby in it. And they were running. You know what the crazy thing was?"

Me: "What?"

Dad: The baby finished before them!"

Me: "Goddammit dad."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/New_World_Era
πŸ“…︎ Dec 16 2013
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I need Halloween/Fantasy puns please!

I feel like I don’t have enough for mermaids, unicorns other creatures etc. Here are the ones I already have...

Basic witch

Spell the tea

Demons are a ghouls best friend

Little black magic dress

The ghoul next door

Squad ghouls

Witch and famous

Resting witch face

Be careful what you witch for

Witch me luck

Witchful thinking

Make love not warlock

Be afraid, be fairy afraid

A good shaman/talisman is hard to find

Do you really wand to hurt me

Black cat got your tongue

But of curse

Safe hex

Group hex

Big girls don’t scry

It’s my party and I’ll scry if I want to

Trickbait

Fright club

You used to call me on my shell phone

New shellpone, who dis?

Hey, I'm a mermaid and this is crazy, but here's my conch shell, so call me maybe

Yeah the buoys

Don’t krill my vibe

This is boo sheet

Give em pumkin to talk about

Howl you doin’

Don’t be a jerk-o-lantern

Witch, please

Witch better have my candy

Boo Felicia

Romeo and Ghouliet

Cereal killer

Bun in the coven

Summer coven’

Boo-ty sleep

How do you boo?

Creep calm and carry on

What ghost around, comes around

No rest for the wicca’d

I’ll have what banshee’s having

Zombodie that I used to know

Sugar dead-y

Wicca’d stepmother

Smells like teen spirits

The only hexception

Neck-romancer

Abracadaver

That’s what’s banshee said

Dead Flanders

Matt Demon

Icy dead people

Purranormal activity

Straight outta coffin

Congrats to the bride and broom

Let’s get sheet faced

Let’s talk about hex, baby

Hex on the beach

Netflix and kill

Silk Satan sheets

I’m literally dying

Ghost Malone

Broom hair, don’t care

Happy Hallowine

Look what you made me brew

Deja boo

Practice safe hex

Boo berry muffins

There will be hell toupee

Boo lagoon

Coffin up blood

Salty witch

Over the moonicorn

All bayou self

Bad neck-romance

Boy necks door

Allergic to fairy

You’re so vein

Bats and bobs

All you can eat Buffy

Owl put a spell on you

Faboolous

Zombae

Oh my goth!

Ghoulboss

Bone appetit

Love you to the tomb and back

Dead & breakfast

SΓ©ayoncΓ©

I Ouija love

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πŸ‘€︎ u/tlouiseey
πŸ“…︎ Oct 10 2019
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