Because he was always voting Neigh
“thank you for your cervix.”
Who buys gummy worms hoping they’d taste as close to real worms as possible?
He's currently assembling his cabinet.
"Sorry about her. Her specialty is also roofing."
Blank stares. My talents are so wasted without kids.
It's a complex complex complex.
Give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now
Because Lisa Kudrow.
Nell, Edna, Leon, Nedra, Anita, Rolf, Nora, Alice, Carol, Leo, Jane, Reed, Dena, Dale, Basil, Rae, Penny, Lana, Dave, Denny, Lena, Ida, Bernadette, Ben, Ray, Lila, Nina, Jo, Ira, Mara, Sara, Mario, Jan, Ina, Lily, Arne, Bette, Dan, Reba, Diane, Lynn, Ed, Eva, Dana, Lynne, Pearl, Isabel, Ada, Ned, Dee, Rena, Joel, Lora, Cecil, Aaron, Flora, Tina, Arden, Noel, and Ellen.
A hummingbird.
The man asks "is this good for wasps?"
The cashier says "no sir, it kills them"
Perfect 10, but purely imaginary.
I don't know. But it is definitely not herd.
He’s an extremely aggressive janitor.
But I won’t letter!
Mentos
The funeral director was asking us what we think Mum should wear in her casket.
Mum always loved to wear sarongs (fabric wraps that go around the torso and drape downward a bit like a long skirt would), so my uncle suggested that she wear a sarong in there.
The funeral director looked a bit confused, as did some of our family members, to which my uncle added:
"What's sarong with that?"
I started laughing like an idiot. He was proud of it too. The funeral director was rather shocked. We assured her, and our more proper relatives, that Mum would've absolutely loved the joke (which is very true).
His delivery was perfect. I'll never forget the risk he took. We sometimes recall the moment as a way help cushion the blows of the grieving process.
--Edit-- I appreciate the condolences. I'm doing well and the worst is behind me and my family. But thanks :)
--Edit-- Massive thanks for all the awards and kind words. And the puns! Love 'em.
However, Poison IV would just make you really itchy.
A fizzician
It's night.
In other words, there is joint support for joint support for joint support...
This is the last straw.
"The big bad wolf!" a goat shouted. "Is meditating!"
"So? Isn't that a good thing? questioned the bear.
"Noooo!" the goat bleated. "It's become aware wolf!"
I still don’t get why she wanted me to urinate on a skeleton...
wooden tit?
It shouldn’t be menstrual, it should be womenstrual
True story; it even happened last night. My 5-year-old son walks up behind me and out of the blue says, "hey."
I turn to him and say, "yeah, kiddo? What's up?"
He responds, "it's dead grass."
I'm really confused and trying to figure out what's wrong and what he wants from me. "What? There's dead grass? What's wrong with that?"
.
.
.
He says, totally straight-faced, "hay is dead grass," and runs off.
It was horrific. They did unspeakable things.
The announcement will be made to a joint session of Congress.
I told him I don’t knead the dough, but I do get a rise out of it
It's half empty.
Hindus, on the other hand, never had any beef.
..do you just get exhausted ?
The jokes weren’t that good, but I liked the execution.
That's what I do when I'm Russian
It was the hardest dump I ever took
7 was a well known 6 offender
I'd say she is ovary-acting .
[removed]
I was so concerned I jumped up and ran over to him...
Earlier that day my friend and I who were really into mountain biking had been using really sticky letters to put our names on our bikes. We were working near the general area of the BBQ.
Apparently I had dropped one...
Stuck to the bottom of my dads foot was the letter B....
A legendary dad joke from a legendary dad.
