What did the river-tourist call his mom to say while he was in Africa?

"mom, I can't believe it; I'm in de-nile!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/caffeine_bos
πŸ“…︎ May 12 2021
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what do you call the smaller rivers that run into the nile?

the juveniles

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πŸ‘€︎ u/roguewavesurfin
πŸ“…︎ Mar 02 2021
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The town I’m from just completed dredging a new river that’s going to make travel a lot easier. They’re having a feast to celebrate! It’s going to be called...

The New River Gorge.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Campagnolo412
πŸ“…︎ Jul 14 2020
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How do you call a river that got castrated?

...A miss his PP.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MyHeadIsALemon
πŸ“…︎ Apr 26 2020
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What do you call Indiana Jones in a Scandinavian river?

Harrison Fjord

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πŸ‘€︎ u/bocabeks
πŸ“…︎ Nov 21 2019
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What do you call it when you throw lima beans into a river?

A podcast

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Elruler22
πŸ“…︎ Aug 20 2019
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The lake by my house was overpopulated with river otters that would bite and harass people. The local gov used explosives to fix the problem. They called it operation otter pop
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πŸ‘€︎ u/imj23
πŸ“…︎ Apr 15 2019
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I'm a man who doesn't call "rivers," rivers.

That's just too mainstream.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SmokingJuiceBoxes
πŸ“…︎ Jun 10 2017
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What do you call a river that thinks it's not a river?

Denial

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Gorod-Krovi
πŸ“…︎ Aug 13 2018
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What do you call a tree growing in the Indus River?

An industry.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/JG_melon
πŸ“…︎ Jun 13 2018
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What do you call a liar sitting in a river?

In de nile

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MrDitz
πŸ“…︎ Aug 26 2018
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Read a great book the other day called "The Great Yellow River"

it was written by I.P. Freely

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πŸ‘€︎ u/buckeyespud
πŸ“…︎ Aug 22 2018
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Why is the river in Florence called the Arno?

Because there are no fish in it.

For reference: the river is dirty as fuck.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Dysentery_Larry
πŸ“…︎ Jun 28 2016
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Dad jokes

Q: how do you put a giraffe in the fridge?
A: first open the door next put the giraffe in

Q: how do you put an elephant in the fridge?
A: open the fridge take the giraffe out and put the elephant in there instead

Q: the king lion called a meeting with all the animals in the kingdom, one animal didn't come who was it?
A: it was the elephant because he was still in the fridge

Q: You need to cross a crocodile infested river but there is no bridge how do you get across?
A: you swim across the crocodiles are still at the meeting

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Opninjagamer
πŸ“…︎ May 09 2021
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Did you know the Mississippi River is a girl?

If it was a guy it would be the misterssippi River.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/franz-hanz
πŸ“…︎ Aug 30 2020
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Did you hear about the Canadian folk singer who had a run in with the Mafia?

They threw him into a river wearing concrete shoes, now they call him Gordon Heavyfoot.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/trashconverters
πŸ“…︎ Feb 28 2021
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Jazzin'.

Dad: Billy?

Billy: What is it, dad!

Dad: The jazz club just called and I'm now officially a member!

Billy: How did they call you? You dropped your phone in the river yesterday.

Dad: That wasn't a problem, they had my other number.

Billy: And that number goes to...

Dad: My saxo-phone.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Pdonkey
πŸ“…︎ Dec 22 2018
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A short collection of fresh puns.

Most of this is my own work, if not, it was inspired by something clever!
I hope this will tickle your funnybone and produce a jolly good set of laughs.

A guy didn't register that the wet paint signs about the handrail was still drying, his hand immediately stuck to the rail. My only response to him was, well you see there, it's an application problem, not hardware.

A researcher's obsession with mixing sand, stones, lime and water has started to yield concrete results.

Eyeglass makers who profit well can frame their success.

Joe: I gave the backyard squirrels Christmas presents!
Abby: Are you nuts?
Joe: No, that's what I gave them...

What did the supervisor at the tortilla factory say at the end of a long workday?
That's a wrap!

Television is a medium because anything well done is rare. (Insp)

People who don't answer the phone sometimes miss their calling in life.

His words were heavy, but his friends didn't get the gravity of the situation.

Time flies like crazy!
Fruit flies like apples!

Never let logic and reasoning get in the way of telling a good story. (Sounds like something that would be said on TopGear/Grand Tour)

There are a few words that will open many doors for you in life - Push and Pull (Insp)

Somehow people really don't like it when I throw lamps at them to encourage them to lighten up.
Same goes for tossing handles for when they need to get a grip or soap for cleaning up their act.

When you're on the ballot for the water council and they have a runoff election.

Ghosts speak latin, it's a dead language (Insp)

If you work at a grocery, send the interns down to the meat market to get some red herrings.

There was a river in Egypt that no one believed existed, it was known locally as De-Nile.

Bad luck Brian - Invests in uranium, profits decay.

There was an explosion at the film manufacturing company, reporters say the story is still developing.

Why do bagpipers walk around?
To get away from the noise (Insp)

Most people have a six-figure income, just the decimal point is in the wrong place.

It has recently been discovered that scientific research causes cancer in rats.

In Russia, the term road has had a controversial meaning for a very long time.

In Canada/Russia, you put things in the fridge to warm them up.

Did you know that the creator of Barbie was named Barbara Dahl?

Doc: There's something not q

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/techtornado
πŸ“…︎ Jun 09 2017
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My wife got me good

So we recently moved from the desert to the coast. The house we moved in to is just up the street from the what we call the bay, everyone else calls the river, but in reality should probably be classified as a sound.

well while exploring the area, we were taking in all the sights and sounds and smells and wildlife. The dialogue went something like this.

me: look at all the trees and birds and seagulls

wife: and bagels

me: .................bagels? where do you see bagels? looks around for truck or store of some kind

wife: the bagels

me: wtf are you......i hate you

Edit: since people don't seem to get it. Baygull

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πŸ‘€︎ u/otp1144
πŸ“…︎ Jul 23 2017
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One day my dad handed me a river stone...

... it was a pretty stone, well rounded and a smooth surface.

Dad: "This is a very special stone, you should give it to your girlfriend."

Me: "Um... OK, sure."

Dad: "Do you know what kind of stone this is?"

Me: "A river stone? No, not really..."

Dad: "They call it a 'Sex Stone'."

Me: Raises eyebrow "Oh?"

Dad: "Do you know why they call it that?"

Me: "Why?"

Dad: "Because it's just another fucking rock."

ΰ² _ΰ² 

Well, I still have it on my bookshelf, and she's now my wife, so sure.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/StJimmysAddiction
πŸ“…︎ Sep 15 2014
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My dad's cat.

A little context first: What's known as an "apartment" in the US is generally referred to as a "flat" in the UK. My dad lives in a flat and has a cat. Without a doubt any time anyone talks to my dad this exchange happens:

Person: Do you like locally?
Dad: I live in the flats near the river. Just me and my cat.
Person: Oh, you have cat?
Dad: Yes. She's called Pancake.
Person: That's nice, but why did you name her Pancake?
Dad: Because she's not a house cat... she's a flat cat.

Despite the fact that he's proudly said this joke dozens, if not hundreds, of times, he still cracks up as he says it like it's the funniest joke ever invented.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ManicWolf
πŸ“…︎ Mar 27 2016
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Negativity joke from my dad. (as emailed)

A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip
to Rome with her husband..

She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded: " Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty.
You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?"

"We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"

"Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser. "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late.
So, where are you staying in Rome?"

"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's Tiber River called Teste."

"Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks it's going to be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump."

"We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope."

"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. "You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."

A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo.
The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome.

"It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful,
and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot..
And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling job, and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city.
They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"

"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope."

"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me.
Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me."

"Oh, really! What'd he say?"

scroll down.....

He said: "Who fucked up your hair?"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/joe630
πŸ“…︎ May 14 2014
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My 6th grade teacher was the king of dad jokes.

My 6th grade teacher had a reputation of being the meanest, strictest teacher on campus, but once I made it through his class, I realized he could be a jokester, too.

-In math class, he liked to tell a long, complicated story about a boy encountering a genie, eventually wishing for some odd things, just to end it with the punchline, "Gee, I'm a tree." (geometry)

-Another one of his long jokes consisted of a man being chased by a hearse. In a fit of desperation, he throws some Halls throat lozenges at it...."and the coffin went away."

-During study time, he would sometimes grab a balloon from his desk, blow it up, and proceed to slowly let air out of it, just to produce the squeaky noise.

-His favorite short joke: "Doctor, doctor, I broke my arm in three places!" "I advise you to stay out of those places."

-He was also probably the all-time leader of correcting, "Can I go to the bathroom?"

-He would also occasionally play opera music at the end of the day, not dismissing the class until we made it through an entire song without laughing.

-There were also a couple words that incited a specific reaction from him. Many of these words showed up often in history class, which is his favorite subject (probably because of all the jokes):

Anyway, it was a fun year with that teacher. I'll add more of his quirks if I think of any.

-Also,

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/crazyei8hts
πŸ“…︎ Oct 20 2013
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While traveling though Kentucky

Me: look there's French Broad River!

Dad: I think they call them demoiselles.

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πŸ“…︎ Mar 08 2015
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Did you know the Mississippi River is a girl?

If it were a guy we’d have to call it the Mistersippi River!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Skraembows
πŸ“…︎ Nov 03 2019
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