Boy-ant-C!
(This is my No-L greeting.)
When are they planning, to call in that order for delivery or is it going to be takeout?
But one pun in ten did.
...I guess I'm just a one-pun-in-ten dad.
I propose we start a daily competition.
Each day the winner of the pervious days thread provides the word for the day.
Then you lovely lot will go off into reddit and try make the best pun around that word/phrase you can, and link your best result in that days thread. The comment with the most up votes wins for the day. Only one pun per account per day.
Ill start with a relatively easy one: Pun
but eventually I look on the internet for more. I'd say coming from the internet one pun intended.
A couple puns.
A skeptical anthropologist was cataloging South American folk remedies with the assistance of a tribal elder who indicated that the leaves of a particular fern were a sure cure for any case of constipation. When the anthropologist expressed his doubts, the elder looked him in the eye and said, "Let me tell you, with fronds like these, you don't need enemas."
There were three Indian squaws. One slept on a deer skin, one slept on an elk skin, and the third slept on a hippopotamus skin. All three became pregnant. The first two each had a baby boy. The one who slept on the hippopotamus skin had twin boys. This just goes to prove that the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides. (Some of you may need help with this one).
edit: just a bit of formatting showing difference from one pun the other
One pun in ten dead.
My mom said she was making Indian food tonight, including naan. I asked if she had all the "naan-essentials." She made an angry noise. "Sorry," I said, "was that a naan-sequitor?"
My dad happened to walk in just then. "Punish him!" my mom said to him.
"What? Why?"
"He keeps making puns!" My dad paused for a moment.
"Sounds like he's the one pun-ishing you."
We took a plastic fish to a marching rehearsal at my university last year. Afterwards, we proceeded to have a conversation that was one pun after another.
"Fish. That is all."
"Just for the halibut."
"Oh for the love of cod, can we not bring this here?"
"Seriously, I will krill every last one of you."
"I'm not squidding with you guys. This scampi happening any more."
"Sorry. I couldn't resist the oppor-tuna-ty."
"You're floundering."
"Why, pollocks! I'm just getting started!"
"Don't worry. His shark is worse than his bite."
"Don't trout my pun ability."
"'Pun ability' my bass! You wouldn't know a fish joke if it sprat you in the eye!"
"I might need to go see a sturgeon. These jokes are killing me."
Because adding just one more would make it too farty. Straight from my 7 year old daughter.
Edit: Thank you so much for the awards and upvotes. I showed my daughter how many people saw and appreciated her humor and she's extatic. I know she probably didn't come up with the joke herself but this was one of the first times she really got me with a good one and I thought I'd share it with some fellow dads and others.
you only get one shot
I was so concerned I jumped up and ran over to him...
Earlier that day my friend and I who were really into mountain biking had been using really sticky letters to put our names on our bikes. We were working near the general area of the BBQ.
Apparently I had dropped one...
Stuck to the bottom of my dads foot was the letter B....
A legendary dad joke from a legendary dad.
..no one even raises an eyebrow.
He really raised the bar on that one
One says to the other, "do you know how to drive this thing?"
One is really heavy and the other is a little lighter.
One has claws at the end of its paws. The other has a pause at the end of its clause.
I was out looking at beds with the family.
Wife: "I really like this bed."
Me: "I like it too, but I think this one is bedder."
You get a Sheeporghini and a Ramborghini to fall in love.
My 12-year-old daughter and I came up with this one together.
He's got all these really weird rules you have to follow, like whenever you eat cabbage, he insists you have to eat it with mayonnaise.
It's just Cole's law.
(Thought of this one whilst trying to come up with puns to annoy my husband. He abhors dad jokes, and receiving this look -_- means I did a good job.)
During a recent password audit by a company, it was found that an employee was using the following password:
"MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofySacremento"
When asked why they had such a long password, the employee rolled their eyes and said "Hello! It has to be at least 8 characters and include at least one capital!"
He turns to his crewmate and says: "Damn, I can't find any milk for my coffee."
The crewmate replies: "In space no one can, here use cream."
Last month, a guy in Cincinnati stole a salt truck and led police on a 30 minute chase. (true story) At one point he tried to dump the load of salt on a police car. I told my teenage daughter this and she looked at me with a straight face and said “I guess they’re going to arrest him for assaulting an officer.” 😁
Never been prouder of my daughter. 😎
Turns out two heads are better than one.
But chick peas can only hummus one.
One does not simply walk into Mordor
In case they got a hole in one.
Because he was told his password had to contain 8 characters and at least one Capital
The first guy answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!"
The policeman says, "Well...uh...that's because the picture I showed is his side profile."
Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second guy and asks him, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"
The second guy smiles, flips his hair and says, "Ha! He'd be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!"
The policeman angrily responds, "What's the matter with you two?!!? Of course only one eye and one ear are showing because it's a picture of his side profile! Is that the best answer you can come up with?"
Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third guy and in a very testy voice asks, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?
He quickly adds, "Think hard before giving me a stupid answer."
The third guy looks at the picture intently for a moment and says, "The suspect wears contact lenses."
The policeman is surprised and speechless because he really doesn't know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not.
"Well, that's an interesting answer. Wait here for a few minutes while I check his file and I'll get back to you on that."
He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the suspect's file on his computer and comes back with a beaming smile on his face.
"Wow! I can't believe it. It's TRUE! The suspect does, in fact, wear contact lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute observation?"
"That's easy..." the third guy replied. "He can't wear regular glasses because he only has one eye and one ear."
No one does, they are Mr. Es.
All the good ones Argon
In case they get a hole in one.
One, but the lightbulb has to want to change.
And then demand a second one, due to false advertising
So this is a true story, and maybe I’ll go to hell for telling it, but I expect I’ll meet the actual perpetrator there:
At baseball practice last night, a coach asked if I’d seen the rabbit — the dead one. What? He had me look by a fence where there wasn’t a dead bunny, but HALF of one: Literally (and eerily) just the bottom half, with the top completely missing. Still shuddering over this.
Properly disposed of it and was feeling unsettled, but sprung right back to true dad form when he jokingly accused me of harming the rabbit. I told him that he knew it couldn’t have been me — I’ve never been one to split hares
"You know, one would have been enough."
He replied: A man is someone who is responsible and takes care of his family.”
Son: I hope one day I grow up to be a man just like Mom!
So I asked for one politely.
Just incase I get a hole in one.
"Tell him I've already got one!"
And a Czech one too. And a Czech one too.
Just in case he made a hole in one
