I tried to pay cash at the plagiarism store,
But they only take credit.
π︎ 1k
π
︎ Mar 03 2023
What book do LGBT people use in church?
π︎ 212
π
︎ Feb 20 2023
Thatβs how itβs done!
π︎ 8
π
︎ Mar 18 2023
I always keep my guitar in my car.
They're good for traffic jams.
π︎ 858
π
︎ Feb 11 2023
Dead Oar Alive, You're Coming With Me
π︎ 571
π
︎ Feb 04 2023
Why did the duck go to the doctor?
Because he was feeling down
π︎ 383
π
︎ Feb 03 2023
I passed the lead singer of R.E.M. in the store today.
I thought that I heard him laughing.
π︎ 217
π
︎ Feb 11 2023
Need as many cleaning related jokes as possible, figured this is the right place to ask
π︎ 4
π
︎ Mar 15 2023
My wife assembled her new chair while listening to her favourite Starship song.
You could say she built this sitty on rock and roll
π︎ 33
π
︎ Mar 05 2023
Why don't oysters give to charity?
Because they're shellfish!
π︎ 15
π
︎ Mar 15 2023
Where should you never take a dog ?
π︎ 16
π
︎ Mar 12 2023
If at first you donβt succeedβ¦
Skydiving is not for you.
π︎ 38
π
︎ Mar 09 2023
A cardinal tried to establish a side business manufacturing and selling cellphones, but Catholics wouldn't buy them. Why?
They all contained cardinal SIMs
π︎ 12
π
︎ Mar 12 2023
They are making a mind-controlled air freshener.
It makes scents if you think about it.
π︎ 15
π
︎ Feb 26 2023
Iβm just reflecting
On whether I should have bought that mirror earlier
π︎ 44
π
︎ Feb 18 2023
I tell the story of two gangs. The first gang puts out bounties on people who have done them wrong and calls it "blood money."
The second gang does the same thing and calls it Criptocurrency.
π︎ 3
π
︎ Mar 16 2023
What do boats love to eat for breakfast?
π︎ 8
π
︎ Mar 01 2023
Dad's advice on how to get a small fortune from the stock market
Start off with a big fortune.
π︎ 8
π
︎ Mar 04 2023
I started crying in the middle of the supermarket
I asked my dad, "What happens to the kids that get lost in here?"
My dad replied, "They get taken to the secret area and are put up for sale for someone else to buy, then they get different parents"
I lost it...
π︎ 7
π
︎ Jan 18 2023
If you see a robbery at an Apple store,
Does that make you an iWitness?
π︎ 49
π
︎ Feb 13 2023
my four-year old daughter is gonna be a great dad one day
Her: We voted today at school!
Me: Oh yeah? What did you vote on?
Her: A piece of paper.
π︎ 5k
π
︎ Nov 10 2022
Yesterday I got an email about maps spelled backwards
Turns out it was just spam.
π︎ 27
π
︎ Feb 19 2023
I'm thinking of moving to Switzerland
π︎ 10
π
︎ Feb 19 2023
My life is at steak
π︎ 3k
π
︎ Nov 15 2022
how does a polar bear build a house?
π︎ 82
π
︎ Jan 28 2023
I gave someone a 50% tip today
π︎ 3k
π
︎ Oct 19 2022
I've been to a lot of nations in Africa,
But there is one I haven't Benin. Though I really want Togo. Someday I'm Ghana.
π︎ 18
π
︎ Jan 28 2023
I have achieved all 3 states of matter
I just had gas that was a liquid and a solid
π︎ 15
π
︎ Jan 30 2023
I have a license
π︎ 7
π
︎ Feb 22 2023
Why did the farmer give the scarecrow a payrise?
Because he was outstanding in his field.
π︎ 12
π
︎ Feb 10 2023
Gravity is the most fundamental force in the universe.
If you took it away, you'd have nothing left but gravy.
π︎ 26
π
︎ Feb 18 2023
A narcissist walks into a bar and orders a drink for the handsome gent winking at him from the opposite side of the room. The bartender looks around.
π︎ 74
π
︎ Dec 23 2022
My wife spent the last six weeks singing the new Miley Cyrus song:
Now sheβs mad I didnβt buy her flowers yesterday.
Thatβs what I get for finally listening to her.
π︎ 14
π
︎ Feb 15 2023
I've just opened an underwear wholesale business
Let's see how it pants out
π︎ 6
π
︎ Feb 03 2023
How do you stop a bull from charging?
π︎ 325
π
︎ Dec 01 2022
Why couldn't Anakin Skywalker buy lunch?
Because his master card was declined!
π︎ 8
π
︎ Jan 24 2023
Got in trouble for failing the drums again
Hope there arenβt any re-percussions
π︎ 15
π
︎ Jan 20 2023
Looking at getting my folks a new car
It was the lease I could do
π︎ 6
π
︎ Jan 08 2023
Vodka doesn't buy happiness...
π︎ 52
π
︎ Jan 10 2023
She finally laughed! "Why are chickens so funny?"
In your best chicken voice, "BECAUSE"
π︎ 2
π
︎ Jan 12 2023
I have applied to beome a chiropractor.
I know it could be backbreaking, but I feel well adjusted to align myself in this field.
π︎ 9
π
︎ Jan 28 2023
What does the thoughtful German boat Captain say to the sinking ship?
What are you sinking about?
π︎ 9
π
︎ Jan 16 2023
All I got my wife for Christmas was a mirror.
Thatβll show her whoβs the boss.
π︎ 67
π
︎ Jan 03 2023
Iβm not allowed to speak to my wife for the rest of the night.
We were at a Krispy Kreme and she asked for Two Mini donuts. I ordered a dozen. She looks at me and asks, βwhy did you order 12 donuts? Thereβs no way we are eating 12 donuts.β
When I asked why, she said
βThatβs too manyβ¦.β I put on sun glasses as she walked right into the punchline.
She has informed me that I am not allowed to speak to her till at least tomorrow.
π︎ 31
π
︎ Jan 04 2023
My wife never understood why I get hives every time we fight.
I told her beekeeping relaxes me.
π︎ 15
π
︎ Jan 25 2023
Spring is here!!
I got so excited I wet my plants!
π︎ 9
π
︎ Jan 25 2023
I came across a store that sells nothing but belts.
π︎ 10
π
︎ Nov 19 2022
I needed a new bookcase, but I don't trust the ones found in stores. So I grabbed some wood, went down to the shop...
... and I made it my shelf.
π︎ 5
π
︎ Jan 30 2023
A two day old baby was literally born...
π︎ 8
π
︎ Jan 09 2023
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