someone asked me if i wanted to watch Black Entertainment Television...

i said BET

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πŸ‘€︎ u/red_raider1
πŸ“…︎ Dec 21 2018
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Oof
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πŸ“…︎ Jun 25 2019
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Food contamination warning!

Hope this is the right sub but this is something I need to share. Do not eat peanuts right now, if you do examine them carefully. There has been a fungus that has infected most of the peanut crops in north America. From the outside they look fine but if you bite into the nut you may notice a small black center. By then it's too late. The black center at early stages can cause digestive issues but if the entire nut is black it can cause failure of the nervous system and respiratory complications. There are pests that have laid their eggs in these plants and tiny microorganisms have developed in these plants. They leech into the fruit causing the black color. Ingestion can cause all sorts of troubles from diarrhea to death. These creatures are fatal. That's why you should always watch out for the creature from the black legume.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/prawncracker92
πŸ“…︎ Jun 11 2020
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This morning, Siri said, β€œDon’t call me Shirley.”

I accidentally left my phone in Airplane mode.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Feb 28 2018
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We had just got done watching a special about space and wormholes so I asked my dad, "What do you know about black holes?"...

To which he replied, "They're still pink on the inside."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/dthomsonWI
πŸ“…︎ Feb 06 2015
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Watching Men in Black and my Dad Says This

In the middle of MiB and dad comes in. "Men in Black huh? What about men in beige with yellow trim?" Classic dad.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/DiggaDoug492
πŸ“…︎ Dec 11 2013
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**Dad:** Hey M, did you hear about that kidnapping? (my little sisters name is Emma, everyone calls her M for short)

My Little Sister: No! What happened?!

Dad: Dont worry, he woke up.

My Little Sister: ROLLS EYES

Me: Hahahahahaha! Nice.

My Little Sister: Omg! Is this funny?

Dad: No, THIS IS PATRICK! (We all really love SpongeBob SquarePants)

I GET UP TO GIVE MY DAD A HIGH FIVE AND HIS PHONE RINGS AS SOON AS I GET UP. IT'S MY MOM CALLING HIM FROM THE KITCHEN

Mom: Hi, I was wondering if I had the right number. Is this funny?

Dad: No! THIS IS PATRICK!

My Little Sister: Really?! You too Mom?!

Mom: No, I'm 49 sweetie.

My Little Sister: Nevermind! I'm watching, "Black Mirror," in my room by myself.

Dad: Sweetie, African American, don't just call them Black. That's not nice.

My Little Sister: ............. I hate you all.

  • I know this isn't necessarily a,"Dad Joke." It's more of a conversation my Dad and Little Sister had. But it was seriously one of the funniest moments I've ever seen.

  • I really love my family. Lol

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πŸ“…︎ Jul 13 2018
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Pearl Harbor of puns

If your onion sang hip-hop, would that be a rapscallion?

I used to be an astronaut, but I got tired of eating out of satellite dishes. I wasn't allowed to eat the Milky Way, even though I had to look at it every day. The worst thing was, I never got to visit The Space Bar. Then, when I was visiting the dark side of the moon, I was bitten by a parasite. Now, you might think it's crazy, but the doctor who removed it called it a lunar-tick.

If "womb" is pronounced "woom" and "tomb" is pronounced "toom", shouldn't "bomb" be pronounced "boom"?

China recently tested a new steroid. It basically turns you into The Hulk. The side effect is it could turn you into a crazed zombie that tends to rip the upper extremities from people. People are saying that this could be the zombie apocalypse. In my opinion, lips have nothing to do with it. I call it ARMageddon. The only way to stay safe now is to not let anyone close enough to disarm you.

I recently was going to join the railroad union. I decided against it because it's complicated. If I received instruction on driving the locomotive, would they call it engineering, or training?

I got a sad story about a flower. I don't know who the heck she pissed off, but damn, now she's a Black-Eyed Susan.

I finally figured out what makes leaves angry. Fall. They get so mad they change color. Some are yellow. They're just afraid and run from their problems. The other ones usually just leave.

I went parachuting with my military buddies once. We landed on a department store. I told him I think we're at the wrong coordinates. He said: "Nope. We're right on Target"

I asked a psychologist if Native Americans have strong emotions. He said "Oh yeah, they're intense".

If a psychotic person thought something made sense, would that thought be psychological?

If Matt Damon were searching for a secondhand store, would he be Goodwill Hunting?

My friend is a Marksman for the military. One day, he went to the armory and asked for 3 snipers. They gave him a candy bar. It was a 3 Musketeers.

I want to be there if Dwayne Johnson ever uses a pizza stone. That way I can smell what "The Rock" is cookin'.

Christopher bought a lemon, and the car broke down. Now Christopher Walken.

Have you heard about the latest bank battle on Wall Street? Capital One and Chase got in a fight and Capital One.

You know what a pirate says to his wenches when he sees the shoreline? "LAND HO!"

A man finds a lamp in the desert and dusts it off. Poof! A genie p

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/PraetorSolaris
πŸ“…︎ Mar 26 2019
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It was so cold outside yesterday, that we took a man into our home, out of the kindness of our hearts...

We felt so sorry for him because the poor guy was completely covered in snow, but this morning, he had just vanished!

Not a word, not even a goodbye or a thank you for sheltering him!

The last straw was when I realized he had peed all over the living room floor!

That's the thanks we get for being good to people?!

I'm warning all of you to watch out for this man!

He is a heavy set, white guy, wearing nothing but a scarf.

He has a nose that looks like a carrot, two black eyes, and his arms are so skinny, they look like sticks.

Whatever you do, don't bring him into your house!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Nov 12 2017
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The funniest thing my dad has said

My dad and I were watching tv one night and the screen suddenly goes black. After watching the blank screen for a good 10 seconds, he finally breaks the silence by saying "If anyone were to peer in at us right now, they'd think we're insane."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/fishbiscuit47
πŸ“…︎ Oct 27 2013
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The giver

While watching the giver with my dad, he commented on how it was in black and white and I said, "Yeah, the book was in black and white too."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/iman277
πŸ“…︎ Jun 26 2016
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Apocalypse Now

Watching TV at my parent's house with my wife a couple of weeks ago.

Commercial comes on advertising the Apocalypse now movie, my dad mentions it and then says

Dad: that was a good movie, did you guys ever see it?

Wife: nope, never seen it!

Dad: oh you should watch it, then watch the remake of it they made a few years later, they re-cast the whole movie with only black people. pauses for dramatic moment It's called A-packa-lips-now

Wife: what...

Awkward pause for maybe two seconds, I chuckled, my mom rolled her eyes and then my wife finally got it.

She nearly died laughing

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Handsome_Gourd
πŸ“…︎ Jul 17 2016
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My wife made me so proud.

Commercial came on for the new 24 Legacy show.

Wife: You going to watch it?

Me: Not sure. It doesn't have jack in it.

Wife: Nope, it has Black Jack in it.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/DCxMiLK
πŸ“…︎ Jan 08 2017
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I was leaving for school and my dad dropped this on me.

Sister: "Watch out for the black ice on the roads!"

Dad: "Don't be prejudice, watch out for white ice, too!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/pronounverbnoun
πŸ“…︎ Jan 08 2014
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Just another TV night with dad

Watching Bounce (a tv channel similar to BET) with my dad. I hand the remote to my dad because I'm going up to my room. Dad: what, you don't want to watch the black movie that's about to come on? Me: dad, it's The Hulk Dad: So? It's still about a person of color

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πŸ‘€︎ u/keyboardcomrade
πŸ“…︎ Jan 10 2014
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Me and my mom got dad joked while watching tv this evening.

Mom (watching American Idol): You sure don't see a whole lot of black cowboys on tv.

Dad: Sure you do, I saw a whole team of them get their asses kicked last sunday.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Kylel1195
πŸ“…︎ Jan 15 2015
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While Watching the Olympics...

While watching the Olympics, my mom saw a black athlete that she figured was from Russia. She remarked... >"Oh, I didn't know there were Black Russians."

My dad replied in a matter-of-fact tone, without missing a beat... >"Yea, you just don't add the cream."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thehonestyfish
πŸ“…︎ Feb 19 2014
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Dad's thoughts on my new work uniform..

So I recently got some part time work and I'm beginning today and my dad offered to give me a lift over. I had to pick up some black clothes aswell as part of my uniform.

We ere just getting ready to leave and my father was looking at me and said "You should of wore orange!", I hadn't a clue what the hell he was talking about, and before I could even reply he followed up "...because Orange is the New Black right?!" almost immediately!

He doesn't even watch the damn show..

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sefilis
πŸ“…︎ Jun 27 2014
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Out for dinner with my dad and he drops these groan inducers

The feild of astronomy is looking up. Red dwarfs aren't so hot. Black holes are out of sight. The astronomers watched the moon for 24 hours then called it a day.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/mego-pie
πŸ“…︎ Mar 22 2014
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