What's the one note a black metal band will never play?

Gsus.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/YourOverLordisME
πŸ“…︎ Sep 12 2022
🚨︎ report
What do you call someone who wears a black mask and is only kind of good at word play?

A punisher

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/rethinkthegrid
πŸ“…︎ May 18 2020
🚨︎ report
My son played with charcoal, and now his feet are stained black.

It's his carbon footprint.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/spar_wors
πŸ“…︎ Aug 08 2022
🚨︎ report
There are only two white people in the movie Black Panther

Martin Freeman, and Andy Serkis.

They also play roles in Lord of the Rings.

I guess that makes them the Tolkien white guys.

πŸ‘︎ 12k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/jzagri
πŸ“…︎ Jun 24 2021
🚨︎ report
I discovered a small closet that plays loud techno music, has black lights, glow sticks and man it gets hot quick.

Apparently it's a Microrave

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Zaxxonn26
πŸ“…︎ Sep 29 2021
🚨︎ report
What do you call a black man playing Minecraft?

A mineority

πŸ‘︎ 21
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/JonWaxerino
πŸ“…︎ Jan 24 2019
🚨︎ report
Why are leopards so bad at playing hide and seek?

Because they're always spotted.

πŸ‘︎ 138
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Feb 13 2019
🚨︎ report
My dad being a dad while playing Cards Against Humanity

SFW: https://imgur.com/Yg6JRDJ

πŸ‘︎ 7k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Fatkin
πŸ“…︎ Mar 02 2018
🚨︎ report
Dog Casino

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "What's new with you?" the bartender asks. "Well I just opened a new casino for dogs. They can play poker, black jack, roulette... almost all the games," the guy says. "They have to go outside for craps, though."

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Firegoat1
πŸ“…︎ Jan 30 2022
🚨︎ report
Why did the Cows return to the marijuana field?

It was the pot calling the cattle back.

Edit: Thank you for the awards.

I was expecting this to go noticed like most of my other posts. You peeps rock!

πŸ‘︎ 1k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/TrikkWikkid5150
πŸ“…︎ Jan 16 2021
🚨︎ report
My wife and I started fighting each other whilst wearing boxing gloves and 'Eye of the Tiger' playing in the background...

We are going through a Rocky patch!

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/cotswoldboy
πŸ“…︎ Oct 04 2019
🚨︎ report
I recently had breakfast with Tenacious D while playing a game of cards

Nothing like playing blackjack with Jack Black over a stack of flapjacks

πŸ‘︎ 17
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Jan 19 2020
🚨︎ report
The only two white actors in the Black Panther movie...

...are Martin Freeman, who played Bilbo Baggins, and Andy Serkis who played Gollum.

They’re the Tolkien white guys.

*Sent to my by a co-worker

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Hensfan85
πŸ“…︎ Feb 04 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call a basketball playing pirate?

Shaq Black

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/JeffKaplansMom
πŸ“…︎ Apr 10 2019
🚨︎ report
Two astronauts stray too close to a black hole

Two astronauts stray too close to a black hole and start getting sucked in. The first one jumps to the controls and tries to save them. The other one gets his phone out and starts playing a game.

The first one looks over and is infuriated that he might die cos his colleague isn't helping so shouts

"Come and help, don't you understand the gravity of the situation?"

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/subpar_man
πŸ“…︎ Feb 22 2018
🚨︎ report
Idris Elba, confirmed dad.
πŸ‘︎ 891
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/loplop_presents
πŸ“…︎ Nov 28 2013
🚨︎ report
Three little pigs

Once upon a time there were three little pigs, Pork Chop, Hambone, and Bacon.

The boys lived at home with their mother. One day their mother said, β€œI no longer have enough food to feed you boys, you need to go out on your own and find your fortunes.”

Not wanting to upset their mother they left the house together to seek their fortunes.

Several miles into their journey Bacon, the little pig everyone liked best, said, β€œLet’s build our houses here! This seems like a great place to start making our fortunes.”

Pork Chop and Hambone agreed. So they all began building their houses.

Pork Chop, the laziest of the bunch, decided to build his house out of straw, which he apparently stole from a nearby field. It was not a very sturdy building material, but Pork Chop didn’t care. All he wanted to do was play all day, and he didn’t want to spend too much time building.

Hambone was willing to work a bit harder and he decided to build his house out of sticks which he procured by de-limbing every tree within a 300 meter radius of their homestead.

Hambone and Pork Chop were happy. Now all they had to do was to play and sleep the rest of the day.

Now Bacon was a hard worker. He knew that his brothers had used bad materials and shoddy construction methods and he wanted to build the best house he could. He found several tons of bricks stacked in neatly ordered pallets in the forest which he decided to use for his building material. It took him several days, but when he was done Bacon had the best house on the homestead.

The next day a wolf, Scott Howard, happened upon the pig brothers and their new homestead. He spied the straw house and smelled Pork Chop inside and began to think to himself that Pork Chop would make a mighty fine meal, so Scott went and knocked on the door.

Scott said, β€œLittle Pig! Little Pig! Let me in!”

Pork Chop replied, β€œNo way JosΓ©! Not by the hairs on my chinny chin chin!”

Scott, undeterred by the reply says, β€œThen I’ll huff, and I’ll puff, and I’ll blow your crappy straw house to the ground!”

Scott began to huff and puff. He was evidently having some sort of asthma attack, but after a few tugs from his handy dandy rescue inhaler, he was able to muster enough wind to blow Pork Chops straw house to the ground.

Pork Chop narrowly escaped Scott’s massive jaws. Scared, and now homeless, Pork Chop ran for the nearest shelter he could see. Hambone’s house.

Scott, undeterred, chased Pork Chop to his new hiding place. Scott was very pleas

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/RageMonster17
πŸ“…︎ Jan 14 2019
🚨︎ report
A panda walks into a restaurant and orders a sandwich. When he receives the check, he pulls out a gun, fires it several times, then walks out the door. If you don't get it look up "panda" in the dictionary ...

"Panda: A large black-and-white bear-like mammal, native to China; eats shoots and leaves."


Since today Merriam Webster even has the word dad joke:

"a wholesome joke of the type said to be told by fathers with a punchline that is often an obvious or predictable pun or play on words and usually judged to be endearingly corny or unfunny"

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/istrebitjel
πŸ“…︎ Sep 18 2019
🚨︎ report
/r/baseball did not appreciate my post - I think it’s better suited here anyway

I have a bunch of stupid baseball questions. I know most of the rules, I just want to make sure I have all my bases covered.

  • Imagine there’s a fan of the team that is currently fielding in the stands, and that said fan has a prosthetic arm. The batter hits a pitch and sends it on a home-run trajectory into the stands. If the fan in the stands throws his arm at the ball and diverts it back in the field of play, can they rightfully say that they were just β€œlending the team a hand” by stopping the home run?

  • Consider the exact opposite situation - the fan’s team is at bat and the batter hits a fly ball to the outfield. If Elastagirl from the Incredibles just happened to be the fan in question, can she spring into action and catch the ball before the outfielder has the chance to?

  • Now, imagine I smuggled a water gun into the stadium on a particularly hot day, and I managed to squirt sticky black liquid onto the batter. Does that mean he can take a walk since he was β€œhit by pitch”?

  • Consider the freak circumstance where a ball in motion collides with a bird, causing it to spiral in its descent and eventually collide in turn with an umpire. Can the player responsible for the ball’s motion be ejected from the game due to repeatedly flipping the bird at an umpire?

  • Can a losing team sub out their man on the mound with a large quantity of beer to prolong the game? There’d still be a pitcher on the mound!

  • If a pitcher throws a slider into the strike zone and the batter doesn’t swing, should the umpire consider it a strike, a ball, or the catcher’s dinner?

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/grumpy_princess
πŸ“…︎ Jul 22 2019
🚨︎ report
Briefcase for child

Whenever I meet my friend to hand off one or the others child for a play date or sleepover we meet in a public parking lot and exchange a black briefcase. Hug that child extra long. Someday I hope to hear it spoke about .

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/newtarmac
πŸ“…︎ Apr 11 2018
🚨︎ report
Got dadjoked trying to golf.

In reference to trying to play Bethpage Black

Me: you're a New York resident, so you can book a tee time 7 days in advance.

Roommate: Does the tee time work for multiple people?

Me: yes.

Roommate: So, we can have a tee party?

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Jun 10 2014
🚨︎ report
Dad nearly gets kids killed using rascist pet names.

My whole family is very, very white.

So my brother and I are at an NHL hockey game. I forget who was playing. My brother and I had gone to get some snacks are where trying to get my dads attention. We called his name, we waved, we screamed, we screeched, and nothing would get his attention. Finally we determined that we get his attention by calling the pet name he used for us when we were getting into mischief.

... 1 ... 2 ... 3 ... COTTONPICKER!!!

At that moment 3 huge black guys turned around. I wondered for a second why they looked like they wanted to murder us. I had never actually parsed the word cottonpicker before; but in the second second I did. Took till the third second until I realized the rascist connotations of that term, and why 3 huge black guys might have some ill will towards us for screaming it so flippantly. I can only imagine how my 13 year old eyes looked as I processed this information. By the forth second I had grabbed my brother and we were running. We didn't stop for 10 minutes. We couldn't go back to our seats for the whole game since these guys were sitting right behind us.

After the game I let my father know how pissed at him I was.

TLDR: Dads don't have rascist pet names for your kids; you may get them killed.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Gnolaum
πŸ“…︎ Mar 09 2014
🚨︎ report

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.