I don't like to be told that I have a dad bod
I prefer father figure
And just like that, 2020 won. Better start trainimg for the rematch in 12 months...it will be 2020 two.
I was driving with my dad when we passed a cemetery. My dad goes in a low, dark, creepy voice, "I know something about this cemetery that you don’t.” And I was like what is it? He continued, "The people living in this town can’t be buried here.” I was really confused so I asked why?
He rasped, "Cuz they’re still alive!"
"Egg-plant" shirt by me. Never got why the vegetable was called that until I found out that they used to be white and look like goose eggs back in the day
I’m a delivery driver that delivers bread products, whilst on my round today a gentleman dropped this on me.....”looks like you have the best job” he says, “why is that?” I ask, because you must be loaded with dough!!!
True dad that man!!
At that moment, Dr. Frankenstein knew what it felt like to be God.
Do you feel like a thing that is borrowed, especially a sum of money that is expected to be paid back with interest?
You are not a loan.
When I told my new girlfriend that I want to be a millionaire like my dad, she gasped, “Wow, your dad’s a millionaire!?” I replied...
“No, but he wants to be!"
I became a member of a cult, it’s a group of people that like to be awkward and challenge others.
It’s called the Diffi cult.
In light of current events, I've been doing some self reflection and I came to the conclusion that I need to be more like a German child.
I need to be kinder.
There are those that like to be labeled into two groups and those who don’t.
I made a lady laugh at work. I asked her why she was returning these kids clothes and she said she husband didn't like them. I replied that he must be very tiny.
No!! You must be lion. There's no such thing like that.
The other day during dinner, my 9 year old son said, "did you know there are some numbers that can only be divided by themselves and 1? Like 43."
I responded, "that is a prime example."
With a slogan like that, it would be hard not to be.
Did you hear that Dolly Parton married an artist who doesnt like things blocking doorways, and insists anything that does, should be sold?
I forget his name. I think it was Sellthedoor Dolly
My son: why your jokes have to be like that?
Me: because I’m all groan up!
(True story, he’s 10... says dad jokes are funny but. Can’t quite finish the sentence but is sure there’s something wrong here. )
Big bosses often get their asses kissed by their minions. What should they do if they don't want their minions to be like that?
The boss should just turn the other cheek.
I asked my dad why he likes girly drinks, and he said that his favorite drink is actually a very manly drink. Carl Sagan was known to be quite a fan.
He sure loved his Cosmos.
This may be a crazy idea, but I think we'll make out like bandits. Gear up boys. We're robbing that train!
That's one loco motive.
My dad is Irish, whenever you tell him something like "be careful with that powertool" or "don't forget to water the garden" he will respond with..
What do you think I am? Irish
I was driving with my dad when we passed a cemetery. My dad goes in a low, dark, creepy voice, "I know something about this cemetery that you don’t.” And I was like what is it? He continued, "The people living in this town can’t be buried here.” I was really confused so I asked why?
He rasped, "Cuz they’re still alive!"
