What's the difference between a good joke and a bad joke timing

Man is hilarious

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/BiscuitaBoyo
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jan 07 2020
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It's too bad there's no Q in timing
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/topdotter
๐Ÿ“…︎ Oct 09 2018
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Mahatma Gandhi walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him ..

A super calloused fragile mystic hexed with halitosis (edited, thanks kind friends for the correction!)

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/banditk77
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jun 22 2020
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What kind of bed time stories does the big bad wolf tell his kids?

Hairy Tails!

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Zaphpath
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jun 05 2020
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I proudly showed my son, "Check this out! Bought a new shrub trimmer today!" He shrugged and replied, "That's great, dad." I continued...

"Itโ€™s cutting hedge technology!"

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/madazzahatter
๐Ÿ“…︎ Aug 10 2020
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TIFU by mixing up my coworkers' sandwich orders and not giving them what they requested.

Sorry, wrong sub.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/dinner_cat96
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jul 08 2020
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Whatโ€™s better than a Dad bod?

A father figure.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/positive_electron42
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jul 10 2020
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A man walks into a zoo. The only animal in the entire zoo is a dog.

....

It was a shitzu.

EDIT: For those who say it's "stolen", i had no idea. A friend of mine told me this one yesterday and i just had to post it. That's it :)

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/gomass4
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jul 06 2020
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To get to the time machine.

Why did the chicken cross the road?

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/UnchartedQuasar
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jul 05 2020
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Hope a large fraction of y'all have a sense of humour
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/simwalkedaway
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jun 04 2020
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"Why didn't Elsa see a doctor for her sore throat and cough? Because a cold never bothered her anyway!" My youngest son thought of that all by himself!

He's a 38-year-old lawyer in Nebraska...

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/madazzahatter
๐Ÿ“…︎ Apr 27 2020
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โ€œIโ€™m afraid I have some very bad news,โ€ the doctor says to this guy. โ€œYouโ€™re dying, and you donโ€™t have much time left.โ€ โ€œOh, thatโ€™s terrible!โ€ says the man. โ€œGive it to me straight, Doc. How long have I got?โ€ โ€œTenโ€ฆโ€ the doctor says slowly.

โ€œNine... eightโ€ฆ seven...โ€

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Jan_Tik
๐Ÿ“…︎ Sep 16 2019
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I've run out of toilet paper and started using old newspapers instead

The times are rough

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/HellsJuggernaut
๐Ÿ“…︎ Apr 19 2020
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Due to the Covid crisis, the Indian bakery in my neighborhood is going through some tough times.

They fired all Naan essential staff.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/porichoygupto
๐Ÿ“…︎ Apr 03 2020
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If I had a nickel every time I was confused

Iโ€™d be like, where the fuck do all these nickels keep coming from?

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/dragoon2745
๐Ÿ“…︎ Mar 27 2020
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A lot of people are shocked by the recent events in NASCAR

What is often characterized as a very conservative organization has taken a stance against racism. I'm not surprised at all though. To anyone who's been paying attention, from its very beginnings, NASCAR has always been veering to the left.

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๐Ÿ“…︎ Jun 22 2020
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Gandhi

Gandhi, by the time he died, he was a very thin and elderly man who had walked almost everywhere he went barefoot causing thick pads on the bottom of his feet. He was also an extremely wise man who many considered a seer, and he ate ethnic Indian cuisine causing bad breath........Turns out he was a super fragile calloused mystic hexed by halitosis.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Aw8nf8
๐Ÿ“…︎ Sep 25 2020
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After a brain scan, a doctor with bad bedside manor says to his patient seems like I'll see you TU MOR times, because you have TU MOR days to live.
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Death_By_Pun
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 10 2019
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What is it called when two mummies fart at the same time?

Toot-in-common.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Mitchinatr
๐Ÿ“…︎ Feb 18 2020
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Carrots have a hard time getting rid of bad habits.

It's a deeply rooted issue.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Pun-isher42
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jan 03 2019
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Luck rituals in the Australian Open.

I was golfing in the Australian Open for the first time. I noticed all the pros were putting various condiments on their clubs. Salt on a putter, brown sauce on a driver, ketchup on a 9-iron.

I my caddy why they were doing it, and he explained that an Australian thing for good luck.

Now, by that time I had already shot straight into a sand trap so I said to him: "Too bad I didn't know about it. I really could use some of that luck right about now."

He just smiled...

...and gave me a vegemite sand-wedge.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/BrianBoyko
๐Ÿ“…︎ Sep 22 2020
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What's a thousand times better than Instagram?

Instakilogram.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/MolecularPotato
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jan 10 2020
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I was having an argument about construction with someone on reddit.

He said he never had any issues with mis-calculations during construction on houses and I said that's impossible.

I told him in response about a time I put a post in the ground at a bad angle and had to take it out and put it back in correctly.

He got mad at me because he had heard the same exact story on r/construction

I guess you could call it a repost

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/ReHawse
๐Ÿ“…︎ Sep 22 2020
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13 of my BEST Jokes

I used to be addicted to soap but ... I am clean now.

I am addicted to brake fluid but ... I can stop anytime.

If you are attacked by a group of clowns ... go for the juggler.

I just moved and IMMEDIATELY after we move in he starts banging on my door every night yelling at me ... coincidentally I just happen to be playing my drums those nights so I could easily tune him out.

I was just diagnosed with colorblindness ... It came right out of the purple.

I failed math so many times at school ... I canโ€™t even count.

Once i threw a boomerang, it never came back, ... Now I live in CONSTANT fear

When life gives you melons ... you might be dyslexic.

Most people are shocked when they find out how bad I am as an electrician.

My wife just found out I replaced our bed with a trampoline ... She hit the ceiling!

There are 3 types of people in this world, those who can count ... and those who can't

They say three out of five people suffer from diarrhea ... so ... does that mean two out of five enjoy it?

I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather ... Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Toydles
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jul 27 2020
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Star wars joke

Driving back from a cub scout hike with my kid, who's in the front seat for the first time and wanting really bad to be my wookie co-pilot.

Me: hey, it's more like you're my astromech.

Kid: no I'm not!

Me: R2!?!!

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/boter2099
๐Ÿ“…︎ Sep 26 2020
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A bad time.
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Ghaithie
๐Ÿ“…︎ Mar 26 2019
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Coming home from apple picking this morning, my wife saw a sign from a Jewelry store that read, "Watches 20% off."

Wife, "Wow, watches 20% off. That's not a bad deal."

Me, "Ehh, I'd rather they tell the correct time."

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Platinum_Mattress
๐Ÿ“…︎ Sep 13 2020
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The great thing about electeicity jokes is there is never a bad time to tell them

They're always current

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/acherem13
๐Ÿ“…︎ Dec 31 2018
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I need your advice I have this friend. Our relationship is very unstable. Sometimes we have a very good connections and at other times we have a pretty bad connection.

Her name is Wi-Fi BTW

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Trollinaintezy
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 19 2019
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Bad time for a joke, dad.

Operator: 911, what's your emergency?

Responder: My wife's going into labor and I don't know what to do!

Operator: Is this her first born?

Responder: No, this is her husband..

Saw this on IG and instantly thought of this sub. Hope you got a laugh.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/frenchy559
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 08 2017
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Well...
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/CapQuarter
๐Ÿ“…︎ Oct 24 2019
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Every time I get a bad cold, my body feels very achey breaky.

I call it the Billy Ray Virus.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/robot_cousin
๐Ÿ“…︎ Sep 23 2018
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I had a bad time in Paris.

The last time I went there, Eiffel.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/elsonidito420
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 18 2018
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Why don't cows wear flip flops?

They lactose.

Edit test.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/derawin07
๐Ÿ“…︎ Mar 25 2018
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I dare you to read this

What tree do you wipe your hands on? A palm tree!

I heard a scary math joke, but Iโ€™m 2^^2 to tell it!

Have you heard of that new movie, โ€œConstipationโ€? Well it doesnโ€™t matter, it never came out.

I hurt myself when I went to a theme park in florida. When I went to the doctor, he started wrapping up my left leg, but then I pointed at my right and said โ€œNo, doc, itโ€™s dis knee.โ€

Last night I got mugged by 6 dwarves. Not Happy.

When Queen Elizabeth farts, everyone in the room must pretend like nothing happened. Noble Gasses donโ€™t cause reactions, after all.

Whatโ€™s the difference between a seal and a sea lion? One electron.

What happens to nitrogen when the sun rises? It becomes Daytrogen!

I called the animal shelter today and said "I've found six kittens in a suitcase in the woods." They said "Are they moving?" I replied "I don't know, but that would explain the suitcase."

Why canโ€™t you trust Atoms? Because they make up everything!

Why do nerds wear glasses? It helps with division.

Why should you tiptoe past the medicine cabinet? You donโ€™t wanna wake the sleeping pills.

What twitches and is found at the bottom of the ocean? A nervous wreck!

What do you call a fat psychic? A four chin teller!

What do you call a 3 foot tall psychic on the run from the law? A small medium at large!

Help, I canโ€™t stop reading books with female protagonists! Iโ€™m a heroine addict!

How did Sparticus react when he ate his wife for dinner? He was gladiator!

When does a joke become a dad joke? When the punchline becomes apparent!

19 and 20 got into a fightโ€ฆ 21.

My friend told me, โ€œPeople who sell meat are disgusting!โ€ So I said, โ€œYeah, well people who sell fruits and vegetables are grocer!โ€

How can turtles take photos of themselves? Shell-fie sticks!

What do you call a secret agent molecule? Bondโ€ฆ ionic bond. โ€œTaken, not shared.โ€ What did the dinosaur say to the other dinosaur? (Cut this part, but make a screeching noise)

How much does Santaโ€™s sleigh cost? $0, itโ€™s on the house.

If America switched from pounds to kilograms overnight there would be mass confusion.

I had a splinter once; it eventually got out of hand.

Iโ€™m going to go stand outside. If anyone asks, Iโ€™m outstanding.

Most people are shocked to find out how terrible an electrician I am!

What do mermaids wash their fins with? Tide Whatโ€™s the coolest place to use the bathroom? The Lil Jon

Did you know that on average, people want three covers on their bed at all times? But thatโ€™s just a blanket statem

... keep reading on reddit โžก

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/kinjago
๐Ÿ“…︎ Nov 27 2019
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Justice is a dish best served cold, if it were served warm jt would be justwater.
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/domadomdom
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jun 26 2019
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โ€œDoc, I think I have ADHD. I keep forgetting where I parked my Ford.โ€

Doctor: Thatโ€™s not how ADHD works.

โ€œBut I keep losing my Focus!โ€

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/porichoygupto
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jul 16 2019
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I just found out my girlfriend gave me an STD

Iโ€™m gonorrhea-valuate our relationship

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/FinalCaveat
๐Ÿ“…︎ Aug 01 2019
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Funny 'Dads Anonymous' story to share for the holiday weekend.

"Welcome everyone to Dads Anonymous. Again my name is Bill and you will notice that we have a new member, please welcome Gary -- Can you tell us what brought you to us today?"

"Well I have a very embarrassing confession. It's even hard to get the words out."

Bill reassures him, "We are all dads here and have been meeting for decades, we've been through all the highs and lows, births and deaths, tragedies, we've heard it all. Just tell us what's on your mind son, we are here to support each other."

"Well, a couple months ago, I broke both my legs in a motorcycle accident and couldn't walk, so I let my wife use the lawnmower." He says through the sobs...

Bob, one of the other dads, starts to get pale. "...and she didn't even cut it in a crisp geometric pattern, it was just random..." Bob starts to sweat and get dry heaves. "YOU BASTARD", he screams. "HOW COULD YOU LET THAT HAPPEN." The dads rise and get ready to beat the crap out of Gary, when Bill stands between them and breaks it up.

"Guys! Guys, we all get weak sometimes and things happen outside our control. Doug, you remember when you were in recovering from Chemo and you gave your wife a hammer, and she used it to hammer a roofing nail into the drywall to hang a picture!" Doug, looks down in shame, "Yes, that was a bad day, I was so weak. She missed the stud and left a dent in the wall, and she just hung the picture over it, crooked!" There was dead silence. "Thats ok Doug, it was twenty years ago, you were young and foolish, you can let it go". Then all the dads shook hands and sat back down.

Bill starts the meeting up again. Then Gary says, "..theres one more thing, Right after I got out of the hospital, she wanted to make a special dinner for us, so I let her grill the steaks..." "OH LORD THIS CAN'T BE HAPPENING!" screams Dave, another dad, his face turning red. Gary continues "...she burnt them one one side and they were dry and chewy." Now there is a bedlam, one dad immediately passes out cold, chairs are thrown, broken bottles, Gary is on the ground being kicked in the ribs. After a few tense minutes Bill managed to get the dads off of Gary. "Stop it, Dave you're killing him. Come on, you remember that time you let your wife go to the repair shop for an oil change?" Dave hung his head, and muttered yeah. "They convinced her to change the cabin filter, wiper blades and the radiator collant..." Bill kept prodding "and, aaand" ...Dave broke down, "and she bought a jug of blinker fluid!" T

... keep reading on reddit โžก

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/KW-DadJoker
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 24 2020
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My dad always said, โ€œ Find a girl with an embarrassing tattoo and try to convince her to marry you.โ€

โ€œShe knows how to make bad decisions and stick by them.โ€

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/porichoygupto
๐Ÿ“…︎ Apr 03 2019
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What happens to photographers when they make bad puns all the time?

They get ISOlated

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/akol404
๐Ÿ“…︎ Dec 07 2014
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Repost from u/gameryadin
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/1moose-2moosemoose
๐Ÿ“…︎ Mar 07 2019
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I killed a chicken last week

Now I Think Iโ€™m getting haunted by a poultrygeist

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/smokycash
๐Ÿ“…︎ Apr 10 2019
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Archery
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Ratzypiet
๐Ÿ“…︎ Nov 24 2018
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[At the wedding] Priest: Repeat after me...

Groom: After me..

Priest, looking at bride: Is he serious?

Bride: No, his name is Mike.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/porichoygupto
๐Ÿ“…︎ Mar 12 2019
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Request: Education Apocalypse puns

For a teacher who keeps working in the end times. i'll put mine in the comments so people can tell me which are bad :p

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/No-tro
๐Ÿ“…︎ Mar 26 2020
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10 Stupid Puns
  1. My friend once told me she watched Regular Show all the time. I said, "I guess you could say you watch it regularly." We are not friends anymore. (True Story)

  2. I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down!

  3. I wanted to take pictures of the fog this morningโ€ฆ But Iย mistย my chance. I guess I couldย dewย itย tomorrow!

  4. Looks tasty. Gimme a pizza that.

  5. Why do eggs hate jokes? The answers always crack them up!

  6. What did the mayonnaise say when somebody opened the refrigerator? "Hey, close the door! I'm dressing!"

  7. Somebody stole all my lampsโ€ฆ. And I couldn't be more de-lighted!

  8. I once met a pig that did karateโ€ฆ We called him Pork Chop!

  9. Coffee has a rough time in our house. It gets mugged every single morning!

  10. My ex-wife still misses me. But her aim is starting to improve!

(Source For All Puns Except The First) https://bestlifeonline.com/bad-funny-puns/

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/punsdaily
๐Ÿ“…︎ Mar 30 2020
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Well!
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Dankmonseiur69
๐Ÿ“…︎ Nov 01 2017
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Potterheads Assemble!

Fleur Fudge's Snape, how many times must I say that I Love-good Harry Potter Puns. I could Mun-go on and on. I don't wand you to feel bad tho.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/TheReal_BlueBoi
๐Ÿ“…︎ Mar 22 2020
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I tied all my watches to my belt

too bad it was a waist of time.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/proluxru
๐Ÿ“…︎ Feb 09 2020
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Damn, now he won't find out his fortune.
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/mtchllyng
๐Ÿ“…︎ Aug 21 2018
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โ€œHey officer, how did the hackers escape?โ€

โ€œNo idea, they just ransomware.โ€

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/porichoygupto
๐Ÿ“…︎ Oct 06 2018
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Massive leak in the bathrooom
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/SeattleMana
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jun 06 2018
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My wife accused me of hating her family and relatives...

I replied, "No, I don't hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law a lot better than I like mine."

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/madazzahatter
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jun 15 2018
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I met some chess players in the hotel lobby. They were bragging about how good they are.

It was Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/porichoygupto
๐Ÿ“…︎ Mar 29 2018
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The ultimate Dad Joke - Bulgarian Train Man

This has been my favourite joke for at least a couple years now.

A man drives train in Bulgaria. One day, he falls asleep driving, and runs over someone walking on the tracks. Well, his case goes to court, and he gets the death sentence for murder. So, he's on death row and the executioner approaches him.

"What would you like for your last meal?"

"I would like a banana please."

The executioner thinks it's weird, but shrugs and gives him a banana. The guy eats his banana, waits awhile, and gets strapped into the electric chair. When the flip the switch, nothing happens! In Bulgaria, an act of divine intervention means you get released.

A few months go by, and the train driver has been working for a new company. Well, old habits die hard, and he falls asleep again, killing 2 people this time. The court has no patience for recklessness, so he ends up on death row again. After awhile, the same executioner from last time approaches him.

"You again? Shit. What do you want this time?"

"Two bananas please."

The executioner shrugs and hands him two bananas. A bit weird, but whatever. There's no way he can cheat death twice! But, when they flip the switch, nothing happens again. The train driver walks a second time.

Some time passes, and the executioner is very busy. After another few months, the same dude shows up, apparently having run over 3 people with a train. Exacberated, the executioner approaches him for the third time.

"Let me guess. Three bananas?"

"Actually yes! How did you know?"

"Top bad! This has gone on long enough. No more bananas! Today you fry."

So, the train driver gets strapped into the chair with no last meal. But, when they flip the switch, nothing happens again.

"I dont get it," says the executioner. "I didnt let you eat any bananas!"

"Its not the bananas. I'm a bad conductor."

Edit: Thanks for the Gold stranger! Edit: And Silver!

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/QuiltedButts
๐Ÿ“…︎ Dec 06 2018
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A man with a gold claim in Alaska was cursed.

At first the curse just brought him bad luck, causing vital equipment to break and provoking frequent but small injuries to him and his crew. Soon, however, the curse darkened and diggers the man had hired to help work his claim began to die in bizarre ways.

One was killed by an African scorpion that should never have made it to Alaska, let alone have survived the cold. A second drank a gallon of the mercury used to separate the gold from the ore. A third was found with a tree growing up through his body.

The man himself who owned the claim became more and more pale. His eyes became all white. His skin began to give off an overpowering smell of sulfur. He slept all day and at night he wandered the mountain above his claim, coming back each day looking more like a beast than a man.

The curse became so bad the last worker alive ran away to the nearest town to tell the authorities what was happening at the claim.

In an attempt to save the claim owner's life and lift the curse, a priest was brought in by dogsled to perform an exorcism on the man.

A sherriff from the town came with the priest as a bodyguard.

The exorcism was long, but apparently successful. Immediately the man's color returned, the sulfur smell disappeared, and he was able to sleep through the night for the first time in six months.

After the man awoke, the sherriff immediately arrested the man and brought him back to town with the priest. Standing in front of the judge, the sherriff was asked what charge the law had against the claim owner whose life had just been so dramatically turned around.

The sherriff looked at the man, then looked back at the judge and said in a slow and rumbling voice, "Possession as a miner."

๐Ÿ‘︎ 5
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Y2KoNo
๐Ÿ“…︎ Mar 28 2020
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Why can't an Ender Dragon read a book?

Because they always start at the end.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/shaun16player
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jul 12 2019
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I asked my priest for advice

My buddy has a bad back so I often go over his house to help his wife with yard work or moving furniture, etc. Currently, were all home because of the quarantine so it seems like the perfect time to get some things done.

Well, I've been isolated for a week and I have no reason to think I've been exposed, but I was a little anxious cause I have had a bit of a scratchy throat these past two days.

So I asked my priest if he thought it was okay to go over and help my buddy's wife with some yard work.

He replied, "do not covid your neighbors wife."

๐Ÿ‘︎ 5
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/RangerHikes
๐Ÿ“…︎ Mar 22 2020
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Some of the gem's of Steven Wright

The work of Steven Wright, he's the famous Erudite (comic) scientist who once said: "I woke up one morning, and all of my stuff had been stolen and replaced by exact duplicates."

1 ย  - I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

2ย ย  - Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.

3ย ย  - Half the people you know are below average.

4ย ย  - 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

6 ย  - A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

7ย ย  - A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

8 ย  - If you want the rainbow, you have got to put up with the rain.

9 ย  - All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.

10 - The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

11 - I almost had a psychic girlfriend, ...... But she left me before we met.

12 - OK, so what's the speed of dark?

13 - How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

14 - If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

15 - Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

16 - When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

17 - Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

18 - Hard work pays off in the future; laziness pays off now.

19 - I intend to live forever... So far, so good.

21 - Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

22 - What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

23 - My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."

24 - Why do psychics have to ask you for your name.

25 - If at first, you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

26 - A conclusion is a place where you got tired of thinking.

27 - Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

28 - The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

29 - To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

30 - The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

31 - The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

32 - The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.

33 - Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film.

34 - If at first, you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

35 - If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?

๐Ÿ‘︎ 22
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/ksbalaji
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jan 30 2020
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514 Dad Jokes

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. Itโ€™s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind itโ€™s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I donโ€™t think itโ€™s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

Thereโ€™s a new type of broom out, itโ€™s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels canโ€™t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, itโ€™s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldnโ€™t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didn

... keep reading on reddit โžก

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Josvys
๐Ÿ“…︎ Oct 03 2019
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I heard a story once about a train driver.

He was operating a late night train and fell asleep at the controls. He ended up failing to recognise a stop sign and as a result his train hit a person and killed them immediately. He was tried for manslaughter and sentenced to the electric chair. Just before being put in the chair, he was given the choice of final meal and chose a single banana, oddly. His time came and he was placed into the chair, the room vacated and then the switch was thrown.

But... Nothing. No sparks, no burning, nothing. They checked the machine and it was working fine, it just seemed not to harm him. The state law meant that, legally, his sentence had been carried out and he was free to go. He walked away a free man, and actually got another job as a train driver.

Sadly, almost exactly the same thing happened again. This time his negligence killed two kids playing around on the tracks when again he'd fallen asleep and failed to stop the train in time. Hauled before the courts again, he got exactly the same sentence - the electric chair. He was asked again for his final meal, chose two bananas this time, and his sentence was carried out again.

And yet again, he didn't die. In fact, he was entirely unharmed. The state law remained the same, so he was let out again, where - somehow - he got another job with another train company. I guess it was the only job he was trained for (pardon the pun). Anyway, this time he did much better and worked hard to stay awake during his late shifts. But sure enough, eventually he slipped back in to old habits and this time killed five people - a family trying to free their dog stuck in the tracks.

Once again he faced a jury, once again they found him guilty and a judge sentenced him to the electric chair. This time he asked for 5 bananas, but the guard was wiley - he has read about this man and how he always had bananas before his sentence was carried out, and so this time (with a grin, it's said) he brought the train driver 5 apples instead. The guilty man plead and begged for bananas, but the guard claimed it was an honest mistake but too late to change now.

The man was lead for a third time to the electric chair. His head was wetted, his arms strapped in, and the guard eyed him with something between wonder and fear. Finally the room was vacated and the switch thrown. Surely this time the machine would do its job? With the process finished, the guard ran back into the room, only to find the man still alive and looking entirely healthy. "I do

... keep reading on reddit โžก

๐Ÿ‘︎ 11
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/homelesspancake
๐Ÿ“…︎ Dec 17 2019
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I have a friend who likes to make his own custom custards....

And he comes up to me one day and says "Hey Undope! I have this new custard I've been working on, and I think it's my best one yet! Would you like to try it?" And with me being a custard connoisseur, I happily agree, so he takes his sample he has on hand and gives it to me.

I take a bite and take my time, slowly judging the textures and flavors I would expect from a well crafted custard. He becomes mortified as a noticeable wince appears on my face and I struggle a little bit to put down the bite I took.

"Oh my gosh!" he cries. "Do you think it's bad!?"

I shake my head no in response, attempting not to hurt my friend's feelings.

"It's not terrible," I reply. "It's just kinda off-putting."

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Undope
๐Ÿ“…︎ Feb 21 2020
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There's an onion, and he's studying law at a prestigious college. He's in his third year, and after a particularly tough day, he gets an invite from one of his onion-friends to a party they're having that evening.

Being tired and weary, the lawyer-onion isn't sure whether to go, but decides he needs cheering up.

So he dresses smartly, puts on his favorite aftershave and heads over to his friend's.

He gets to the party to find it quite a packed affair and heads over to the bar - fighting through crowds of reveller-onions - to get a drink.

As he gets to the bar, he notices in one corner a slightly out-of-place female onion.

She looks a bit sad and being the compassionate onion that he is, he heads over to talk to her.

This is quickly affirmed as a good move, as they hit it off immediately; she was abandoned by her friends shortly after arriving and had been minding her own business ever since, but over a night of drinks and talking, they quickly fall into an infatuation and soon end up spending an oniony night of passion together.

When they awake in the morning, they don't find it awkward and a steady relationship between the two is struck.

This lasts a good while, having its ups and downs like any college relationship, but eventually the day comes when they both graduate.

The two couldn't be happier!

They both get jobs close to one another and move into an apartment together.

One day, the partner-onion is anxiously awaiting the lawyer-onion at home.

She's been ill all day and checking has confirmed her suspicions.

She tearfully - and joyfully - breaks the news to the lawyer-onion; they're going to have a tiny baby-onion together.

A shallot, if you will.

A few days later, this prompts the lawyer-onion to propose to his heretofore girlfriend-onion.

They are soon wed, having a fantastic wedding-day and husband and wife-onions are on top of the world.

The day comes of the birth and no complications - a tiny, healthy baby onion is born to two proud parents.

Seeing this little bundle of oniony love in their arms causes them to fall deeper in love than ever.

Over the next few years, husband-and-wife-onions' lives are fantastic.

He's prospering at work, she's really enjoying taking some time to raise the baby-onion and over time the baby-onion grows into a hale and hearty toddler-onion, who then becomes a child-onion.

One day, the idyll of the onions' lives is shattered when tragedy strikes.

The lawyer-onion (now a partner-onion in a prestigious law firm due to chance and hard work) is at work, and mother-onion is washing dishes and watching her child play in the yard.

She glances away to take another plate and turns her vision back to

... keep reading on reddit โžก

๐Ÿ‘︎ 68
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
๐Ÿ“…︎ Oct 05 2019
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Did you know french fries weren't actually cooked in France?

They were cooked in Greece.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/somekindahuman
๐Ÿ“…︎ Aug 04 2017
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My pregnant wife hobbled into the hospital with one hand on her back...

A nurse asked her what's wrong, and my wife screamed, "Shouldn't! Wouldn't! Didn't!"

The nurse shook her head and said, "I'm sorryโ€ฆI don't understand."

My wife's face contorted in pain as she shouted, "Can't! Won't! Don't!"

The nurse, bewildered, turned the doctor.

"Admit her," the doctor said. "She's having contractions."

๐Ÿ‘︎ 5k
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/madazzahatter
๐Ÿ“…︎ Apr 30 2017
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To whoever stole my thesaurus...

...you made my day bad.

I hope bad things happen to you.

You're a bad person.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/madazzahatter
๐Ÿ“…︎ Dec 01 2016
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Watching the Olympics with my Wife

She asked about the girl on screen getting ready for her routine: "Is she Russian?"

To which I replied : "No she's taking her time"

The eye roll was fantastic.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Chrono32123
๐Ÿ“…︎ Aug 12 2016
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I'm a trucker. My dispatcher texted me to ask if I'd picked up a load of frozen toast. This was my response...

20,000lb of frozen bread so clearly I'm loafing along and a gluten for punishment.

Bad puns are the yeast of my problems. This load takes me to the upper crust, but if I don't get it in on time I'm toast!

Sorry about my rye sense of humor...

๐Ÿ‘︎ 18
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/JimMarch
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jun 25 2019
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I said "kansas" like "kansaw" like you know, how "arkansas" is pronounced, and once my bf told me the truth, i spent my life seeing who would correct me and it wasnt suprising.

I was told a long time ago your true friends will be honest with you, especially if it's not something that will hurt your feelings really bad.

So this life long joke of "kansaw" was only ever corrected by boyfriends, best friends, and family. Others were people thinking i meant "warsaw" in which i frantically said oh no no no!

I made a point to be say this one main line like "omg can a tornado in kansaw just suck me out of this"

"Maybe i should move to Kansaw where its just wind and tornadoe shelters"

I tried to make it come up organically as possible though.

But the other times where people said nothing, some of these people good friends, now have a joke behind my back but i had it behind their backs first....

Life is fun

๐Ÿ‘︎ 8
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/ashhtreeee
๐Ÿ“…︎ Sep 17 2019
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Did you hear about the new TV show about a plane crash?

the pilot was horrible.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 77
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Coca_Cola_for_blood
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jul 17 2014
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There was a man in Bulgaria who drove a train for a living...

There was a man in Bulgaria who drove a train for a living.

He loved his job, driving a train had been his dream ever since he was a child.

He loved to make the train go as fast as possible.

Unfortunately, one day he was a little too reckless and caused a crash.

He made it out, but a single person died.

Well, needless to say, he went to court over this incident.

He was found guilty, and was sentenced to death by electrocution.

When the day of the execution came, he requested a single banana as his last meal.

After eating the banana, he was strapped into the electric chair.

The switch was flown, sparks flew and smoke filled the air- but nothing happened.

The man was perfectly fine.

Well, at the time, there was an old Bulgarian law that said a failed execution was a sign of divine intervention, so the man was allowed to go free.

And somehow, he managed to get his old job back driving the train.

Having not learned his lesson at all, he went right back to driving the train with reckless abandon.

Once again, he caused a train to crash, this time killing two people.

The trial went much the same as the first, resulting in a sentence of execution.

For his final meal, the man requested two bananas.

After eating the bananas, he was strapped into the electric chair.

The switch was thrown, sparks flew, smoke filled the room- and the man was once again unharmed.

Well, this of course meant that he was free to go.

And once again, he somehow manages to get his old job back.

To what should have been the surprise of no one, he crashed yet another train and killed three people.

And so he once again found himself being sentenced to death.

On the day of his execution, he requested his final meal- three bananas.

"You know what? No," said the executioner. "I've had it with you and your stupid bananas and walking out of here unharmed. I'm not giving you a thing to eat, we're strapping you in and doing this now."

Well, it was against protocol, but the man was strapped in to the electric chair without a last meal.

The switch was pulled, sparks flew, smoke filled the room- and the man was still unharmed.

The executioner was speechless.

The man looked at the executioner and said "Oh, the bananas had nothing to do with it. I'm just a bad conductor."

๐Ÿ‘︎ 19
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/DCCXXVIII
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jul 08 2019
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Am I the asshole in this situation?

So a bit of background here, I am fully dependent on my carer. Where he goes, I go. What he eats, I have to eat too. And because of that, if he wants to eat the wrong thing, I suffer.

I have no control over what he feeds us and I can't always tolerate the foods he likes. If he eats food that is too spicy, I yell at him. Like a lot. I've even made him cry a few times. But the thing is, I can't control myself. Every time I talk, it is shit for everyone in my vicinity, especially him. That's why I need him as a carer. I really tried to not give him shit for a couple weeks by not talking at all but he thought it was so bad that I did that he took me to the doctor to force me to keep giving out instead of bottling it all up.

I don't know what to do. I'm literally the end point of his digestive system. Am I the asshole?

๐Ÿ‘︎ 27
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/DiamondChocobos
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jun 08 2019
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This is a little long so get ready

So this dad likes to listen to his daughter's prayers every time she does them. One night when he is standing by her door, he overhears her say "God bless mom, God bless dad, God bless grandma, and goodbye grandpa." The dad is thinking "Ok that was pretty weird, but whatever."

The next morning, he learns that the grandpa DIED. He remembers what his daughter said last night and thinks "Ok umm this could all just be a coincidence" and he thinks nothing of it.

A month later and the daughter is doing the prayers again. "God bless mom, God bless dad, and goodbye grandma."

Once again, the dad learns the next morning, that the grandma has died from a heart attack. Now he's a little freaked out and thinks "This definitely cannot be a coincidence now, but it still could be, so whatever."

A few weeks later, he hears from his daughter's room, again, "God bless mom, and goodbye dad." Now he is totally freaking out because he thinks he's gonna die today. He spends all day being really cautious so he, you know, doesn't die. At 12:00am, he thinks "Yes! I made it! I didn't die!"

Once he gets home from work, he goes over and he tells his wife, "Honey, I've had a really bad day today and-"

The wife cuts in and says, "Yea me too! The mailman died on our porch!"

~this is my first post so โ•ฎ(โ”€โ–ฝโ”€)โ•ญ ~

๐Ÿ‘︎ 81
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/theresnogoodname
๐Ÿ“…︎ Apr 12 2019
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I once had a job in a t-shirt factory

I once had a job in a t-shirt factory. Every day, t-shirts would come down the line, and using this big rubber stamp, Iโ€™d apply a handful of dots to them, at random, to just given them a general design that wasnโ€™t blank t-shirt. It was soul sucking, but it paid the bills.

However, I kept running into a problem. I wasnโ€™t applying the dots fast enough. It was a mental thing - Iโ€™d get hung up on where should I apply the next dot so it doesnโ€™t look bad, etc. But one of the guys whoโ€™d been there longer than I had gave me a piece of advice. He told me to cross to my eyes. That way, I could just kinda zone out and hit the t-shirt a few times randomly without paying much attention to where exactly I was applying the dots. It worked like magic.

Well eventually I was getting ready to leave the factory and they had me train my replacement. It only took one day. I left him with one piece of advice. I told him not to get too hung up on the specific details but just to make sure he dotted his tees and crossed his eyes.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 5
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/CoyoteTheFatal
๐Ÿ“…︎ Nov 13 2019
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Why is Font Town so crime ridden?

because it's sans sheriff

๐Ÿ‘︎ 2k
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/slaying_mantis
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jul 06 2016
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A train conductor runs over a person

He goes to court and is sentenced to death by the electric chair. Before going to the chair he asks for a banana, it is given to him and he sits down in the chair, the operator presses the button and... The chair does nothing, so he is let free. The next day he runs over two people, he once again is sentenced to death but this time he asks for two bananas. He is given them, when the operator presses the button, the chair does nothing, so he is set free once more. The next day he runs over three people, he is sentenced to death a third time but the operator says to him, no more bananas, this time you will die. So he sits down on the electric chair and the operator presses the button, but nothing happens, so for the final time, he is set free. Later he tells his friend, "it wasn't about the bananas, I'm just a bad conductor"

๐Ÿ‘︎ 4
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/TheVampireQueen7
๐Ÿ“…︎ Sep 06 2019
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This preacher had just died and is in line to go to heaven.

He says to the guy in front of him, โ€œHey, what did you do in your life?โ€ The guy says, โ€œI was a bus driver. I was a bad person. I wasnโ€™t nice to people, I stole, and I always broke the law.โ€ The preacher says, โ€œI was a preacher. I always went to church and gave the best and longest sermons. I always prayed and read the Bible.โ€ Finally, itโ€™s the bus driverโ€™s turn to tell God about his life. A few minutes later, he walks into heaven. The preacher walks up to God. God says, โ€œWhat kind of things did you do in your life?โ€ โ€œWell, I went to church and gave great sermons. Do I get to go to heaven?โ€ โ€œI donโ€™t know,โ€ says God. โ€œWhat? How come that dumb bus driver got to go to heaven?โ€ God says, โ€œWhen you gave your sermons, everyone fell asleep. But every time the bus driver was driving, there was at least one person on the bus who was praying.โ€

๐Ÿ‘︎ 18
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Leoninator123
๐Ÿ“…︎ Sep 15 2019
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The other day someone asked if I could name the Japanese term for those ninja throwing stars.

I said, "Sure I can."

๐Ÿ‘︎ 201
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/nuez_jr
๐Ÿ“…︎ Aug 02 2016
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Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
๐Ÿ‘︎ 25
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Hatlesshobo
๐Ÿ“…︎ Apr 17 2020
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Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.

This made him, A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 252
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/dandan_56
๐Ÿ“…︎ Mar 23 2020
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Mahatma Ghandi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an incredible set of callouses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail. Plus, with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.

This made him a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

Edit: I do now realize I misspelled Gandhi. I cannot edit the title, just know that I see it and am sorry.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/SamuraiSAM5
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jul 08 2019
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Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.

This made him, A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

Edit: Wow! Didn't expect this big reaction! Thanks for the silver! Edit 2: And gold!? Thanks again! :)

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/auroraborora
๐Ÿ“…︎ Feb 06 2019
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Mahatma Ghandi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an incredible set of callouses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail. Plus, with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.

This made him a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

Edit: I do now realize I misspelled Gandhi. I cannot edit the title, just know that I see it and am sorry.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/DrunkRedditBot
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jan 07 2020
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Carrots have a hard time getting rid of bad habits.

It's a deeply rooted issue.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Pun-isher42
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jan 03 2019
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Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.

This made him a...

Super calloused fragile mystic with extra halitosis.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/dandan_56
๐Ÿ“…︎ Feb 17 2018
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Because Ghandi was barefoot all the time and had bad hygiene...

He was a super calloused fragile mystic plagued by halitosis.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/SoDakZak
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jun 12 2017
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What's the difference between a good joke...

...and a bad joke? Timing.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/JoeFas
๐Ÿ“…︎ Mar 23 2019
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The Ultimate Pun

This has been my favorite joke for at least a couple years now.

A man drives train in Bulgaria. One day, he falls asleep driving, and runs over someone walking on the tracks. Well, his case goes to court, and he gets the death sentence for murder. So, he's on death row and the executioner approaches him.

"What would you like for your last meal?"

"I would like a banana please."

The executioner thinks it's weird, but shrugs and gives him a banana. The guy eats his banana, waits awhile, and gets strapped into the electric chair. When the flip the switch, nothing happens! In Bulgaria, an act of divine intervention means you get released.

A few months go by, and the train driver has been working for a new company. Well, old habits die hard, and he falls asleep again, killing 2 people this time. The court has no patience for recklessness, so he ends up on death row again. After awhile, the same executioner from last time approaches him.

"You again? Shit. What do you want this time?"

"Two bananas please."

The executioner shrugs and hands him two bananas. A bit weird, but whatever. There's no way he can cheat death twice! But, when they flip the switch, nothing happens again. The train driver walks a second time.

Some time passes, and the executioner is very busy. After another few months, the same dude shows up, apparently having run over 3 people with a train. Exacerbated, the executioner approaches him for the third time.

"Let me guess. Three bananas?"

"Actually yes! How did you know?"

"Top bad! This has gone on long enough. No more bananas! Today you fry."

So, the train driver gets strapped into the chair with no last meal. But, when they flip the switch, nothing happens again.

"I don't get it," says the executioner. "I didn't let you eat any bananas!"

"Its not the bananas. I'm a bad conductor."

Edit 1: Thanks for my first gold /u/Lhjnhnas!!!

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/DylanTheG999
๐Ÿ“…︎ Dec 18 2018
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The day my dad roasted me...

One day, I asked my dad to tell me one of his jokes.

"Pussy", he replied.

I was really confused."I don't get it", I said.

After a short pause, my dad put on his shades and uttered:

"I know".

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Lavalot
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jul 25 2016
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