I called my wife and told her that I'll pick up pizza and coke on the way back from work. But it seems she was not happy.

. She still regrets letting me name the kids.

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/YZXFILE
πŸ“…︎ Nov 18 2021
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How amazing would it be to travel back in time to see Mt. Rushmore before they carved it up?

It would be un-presidented.

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BigSkyMountains
πŸ“…︎ Apr 20 2022
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My new Christmas jumper kept picking up static electricity, so I took it back to the shop

And exchanged it for a new one free of charge

πŸ‘︎ 99
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sockhead99
πŸ“…︎ Dec 10 2021
🚨︎ report
A rope walks into a bar. The bartender looks up and says says, β€œGet out. We don’t serve rope in here.” So the rope goes out, cuts itself in two before tying the two sections together. It then pulls out a comb and combs its ends. The rope then walks back into the bar.

The bartender says, β€œHey! Aren’t you the rope that I just threw out?”

The rope replied, β€œNo. I’m a frayed knot.”

πŸ‘︎ 12k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/labink
πŸ“…︎ May 27 2020
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Breaking news: The cast of Friends have all made it back to shore alive after an incident where they got stuck at sea. Matt Le Blanc was quoted saying β€œThe engines blew up, and none of us had any real experience with sailing, but it was okay...

...Because Lisa Kudrow.”

πŸ‘︎ 45
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Dongwaffler
πŸ“…︎ Sep 13 2021
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Earlier, I was driving behind an ambulance when a cooler fell off the back. I stopped and opened it up to find a foot inside..

So I decided to call a toe-truck.

πŸ‘︎ 7k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ThaPlymouth
πŸ“…︎ Mar 03 2020
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I was at a restaurant the other day when I saw a customer throw a plate of curry at a waiter. Immediately, the waiter picked up another plate of curry and threw it right back.

That's korma for you.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thehatter6453
πŸ“…︎ Aug 17 2021
🚨︎ report
Tae Kwon Donkey (The Ass that kicks back) And Crab Maga (The Krav Maga crab that doesn’t just talk crab, he backs it up). Figured this community of punsters would appreciate the universe we are creating on Patreon. reddit.com/gallery/lgzbtq
πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/KicksandStrings
πŸ“…︎ Feb 10 2021
🚨︎ report
(1) What type of airplane bounces back up when it crash lands?
πŸ‘︎ 36
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πŸ‘€︎ u/justin_raphael_7
πŸ“…︎ Jun 04 2020
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The sweater I bought from the store was picking up static electricity, so I went back to change it.

They gave me another one, free of charge.

πŸ‘︎ 35
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Aug 22 2019
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I had to hoof it back up a few blocks to take this picture.
πŸ‘︎ 52
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Seatpan
πŸ“…︎ Oct 31 2017
🚨︎ report
I tried to explain to my kids why the ball comes back down when they throw it up

But they don't understand the gravity of the situation

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Gone_Aria
πŸ“…︎ Nov 10 2019
🚨︎ report
Most people back up their argument by saying: "I read it ...", But what do Redditors say?

I Reddit on Reddit

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Marracie
πŸ“…︎ Jan 19 2020
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When my boyfriend said this I played it back over in my head a thousand times wishing I had come up with it

::watching Bruce Lee documentary::

"....when we were young, Bruce was scrawny but constantly picking fight that he would always lose..."

Boyfriend: yea, we a, we called him Bruised Lee

πŸ‘︎ 41
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πŸ“…︎ Jan 24 2013
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Back it up!
πŸ‘︎ 105
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πŸ‘€︎ u/nate223
πŸ“…︎ Apr 10 2014
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My wife keeps waking me up to go turn off the computer and then turn it back on again.

I hate these late night rebooty calls.

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jun 26 2018
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A man orders an egg sandwich. The waiter brings it to him, and the man looks at it suspiciously. He asks for the chef to come see him. The chef walks up and says "Is there a problem?" The man replies back "I'm sorry, but this egg looks retarded." So the chef says...

"Well, it's in bread."

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ“…︎ May 18 2015
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I called my wife and told her that I'll pick up pizza and coke on the way back from work. But it seems she was not happy.

She still regrets letting me name the kids.

πŸ‘︎ 81
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/avigyan_33
πŸ“…︎ Jan 22 2020
🚨︎ report
The sweater my kids gave me last Christmas kept picking up static electricity, so I took it back to the store and exchanged it for another one…

...free of charge...

πŸ‘︎ 130
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Jul 05 2018
🚨︎ report
The sweater I got last Christmas kept picking up static electricity, so I took it back to the store and exchanged it for another one…

…free of charge.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Dec 20 2019
🚨︎ report

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