My fiancΓ©e's parents are serving the best melons ever at our wedding.

Now we cant elope

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MrSteveA
πŸ“…︎ May 26 2022
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Bought my son a caterpillar cake for his birthday. Should have looked at the best before date though.

It's now a butterfly cake

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πŸ‘€︎ u/heyandy1
πŸ“…︎ May 08 2022
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I submitted ten of my best puns to a Pun Competition, hoping at least one of them would win.

No pun in ten did.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Ministry4wtf
πŸ“…︎ Mar 23 2022
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My friends not the best at bringing food to the party so he tried german food this time. I tried it.

shrugs Bratwurst

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πŸ‘€︎ u/One_Employ_3604
πŸ“…︎ Apr 29 2022
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I was just looking at my ceiling. Not sure if it’s the best ceiling in the world,

but it’s definitely up there.

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πŸ“…︎ Jan 13 2022
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At his wedding, my friend told me that I was the worst Best Man that he has ever seen.

I was speechless.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Mar 07 2022
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The mayor in my city just passed law that male best friends have to have lunch together at least once a week

Well it’s not a law it’s a mandate

πŸ‘︎ 14k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/justin_true_10
πŸ“…︎ Nov 20 2020
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From my dad at my bday dinner: what are the 2 best things about having Alzheimer’s?

You can buy and wrap your own surprise presents. And you’re constantly making new friends.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SpunkyCapri
πŸ“…︎ Sep 09 2021
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Asked this from my kids today : which part of the kitchen is the best at math?

Kitchen counter... the groans could be heard by the neighbors

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πŸ‘€︎ u/aknal
πŸ“…︎ Oct 30 2021
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I have to tell someone about this because I'm at home alone with my 2 year old and 11 month old, and they're to young to understand my best dad joke ever.

My 2 year old has cereal in her snack cup and just showed me that there was a piece of cereal in her sleeve. I said, "Looks like you got some tricks up your sleeve." GUESS WHAT KIND OF CEREAL SHE WAS EATING!.....IT WAS TRIX!
Edit: Thanks for my first gold!

πŸ‘︎ 13k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Superj89
πŸ“…︎ May 18 2020
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Wanting to impress my son at the zoo today, I revealed to him, "Used to be best friends with a giraffe, but we had a falling out." Puzzled, he asked, "What happened?" I shook my head, "I don't know really, but I felt..."

"He was always looking down on me!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Jan 11 2021
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My friend from Paris was the best man at the wedding of a Belgian waffle heir and a Swedish pancake tycoon, but wasn’t allowed to give a speech at the reception.

They knew he’d give a French toast, and they said it wasn’t worth the pain.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/i-kant_even
πŸ“…︎ Sep 06 2020
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At my best friends house
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πŸ‘€︎ u/unlikely_lurk
πŸ“…︎ Jan 24 2020
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My Dad made the best (or worst) Dad joke at our Christmas Dinner

Cousin: I really want a dog this year.

Wife: What kind do you want?

Cousin: I’m really wanting a poodle.

My Dad: Just wait until it rains. There will be plenty of β€œpoudles” around.

Everyone else : πŸ™„

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πŸ‘€︎ u/WeepJangler
πŸ“…︎ Dec 25 2019
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My son is the best ever at pulling the car aside a curb in line with other vehicles...

His parking is unparalleled!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Jul 29 2020
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At our PTA meeting, my son's teacher said he's the best she's ever seen at using Elmer's...

She said he's a glue-ru.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Jul 14 2020
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As best man at my brother's wedding, I gave the couple a bread basket with a champagne flavored jam...

They seemed to enjoy my wedding toast.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Jan 15 2020
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I was looking at my ceiling last night. I certainly don't think it's the best.

But it's up there.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheGreatWhiteMo
πŸ“…︎ Dec 06 2017
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After an intense session at the gym, I asked my personal trainer what was the best way to show off my new muscles.

He told me to hang upside down from a tree branch and curl my arms behind my back.

I said β€œweird flex but OK”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/procrastiprov
πŸ“…︎ Nov 10 2018
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Given my experience, I’m not the best at giving advice when it comes to tequila.

So you all have to take it with a grain of salt.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Oct 25 2019
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My mom pulled the best dad joke I've ever heard at a Chinese restaurant the other day

Her friend had come along with us to the buffet and was eating something that I can't quite remember now, but she ends up asking "where is the duck sauce?" To which my mom, without even skipping a beat, blurted out the following words with not a single emotion on her face, "probably next to the quackers". I almost choked on my food I was laughing so hard. Love you mom

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Deal_The_Man
πŸ“…︎ May 13 2014
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My dad always used to tell me the best place to pick up ladies was at the bus stop.

My dad was also a bus driver.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/CritLuck
πŸ“…︎ Apr 04 2019
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I was asked to do a speech at my best friend's wife's funeral.

*goes up on stage*

Me: "Plethora"

*walks off towards widow*
Widow: "Thank you. That means a lot."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/jackthecricketer
πŸ“…︎ Apr 01 2019
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My dad seems to think the best time to pick on my boyfriends is at the dinner table...

Here are two of my dad's funniest (most memorable) moments while out to eat...

About five years ago, my ex-boyfriend and I went out for Valentine's Day with my parents. My mom and I were having a conversation about my brother's ex-fiancee when...

Ex: "Oh, so you guys don't like her?"

Dad: "No, but that's alright, we don't really like [K's] boyfriend all that much either."

Needless to say, it wasn't as funny at the time...

Then about a few months ago, with my current boyfriend, we went out to eat with some family friends. At the time, my boyfriend was employed at an A/C company doing Chinese drywall and was talking with two of the men employed in other construction trades.

Family Friend: "Don't get involved in concrete. Or Construction. Better yet, stay out of anything that begins with a C."

Dad (from the other side of the table): "You better stay out of anything that starts with a K, too."

It's even more ironic considering I happen to have one of those names that's commonly spelled with a C, but my parents decided to spell with a K. But as mortified as my boyfriend was, I have to give it to my dad, that one was pretty damn funny.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/22seaturtles
πŸ“…︎ Oct 01 2013
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So I got my wife yesterday at Best Buy

She's got an iPhone 6S and wanted a case, so I let her know she could also try and iPhone 7 case, but it covers the headphone jack.

Wife: I really like this one

Me: Now are you really okay with it covering the headphone jack?

Wife: oh this one doesn't, it's open at the bottom

Me: Huh. So it's on a case by case basis?

Let's just say I got my daily recommended value of eye roll.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/AgentThor
πŸ“…︎ May 07 2017
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My best bud and I are getting married a week apart. He’s the Best Man at my wedding and it still amazes me that my fiancΓ© wants me.

Clearly, I’m only the next Best Man.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/unComikal
πŸ“…︎ Aug 02 2018
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I went to the butcher at my local deli. He said he had the best meats.

I said do you want to bet on it? He said sad no, the steaks were to high.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/mustachereviews
πŸ“…︎ Jul 08 2016
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My friend asked me if I'd be his Best Man at his wedding, even if were to become a vegetable.

I told him, "Of course, I'd even write a speech for you!"

Friend - "What would it say?"

Me - "Well, it would start off as, "He's a really great and handsome guy, you could even go as far as to call him a spud!""

Edit: Darn phone keyboard messed up the title.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/AnnoyingRingtone
πŸ“…︎ Sep 07 2016
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Tonight at dinner, my best friend told my dad, "My sister is a chain smoker."

My dad replied, "How DO they light those chains?"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/belleslettres
πŸ“…︎ Oct 11 2014
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My dad has is baby granddaughter's best interest at heart, yet he's still logical.

While putting footie pajamas on my baby niece we realized she was too tall for them. My dad says, "Cut off her feet and they'll fit. She's young, she'll adapt."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/lrnrae
πŸ“…︎ Dec 12 2013
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I sent my dad a text explaining how my day at school went. He always gives the best advice.

Me: So today in Acting class I managed to bruise my knee and cut my thigh.

Dad: Acting is dangerous. Perhaps you should do something less dangerous like football.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thepretty
πŸ“…︎ Jan 21 2014
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At his wedding, my buddy called me the worst best man he has ever seen.

I was speechless.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Dec 07 2020
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At his wedding, my buddy called me the worst best man he has ever seen.

I was speechless.

πŸ‘︎ 135
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jan 07 2019
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At his wedding, my friend called me the worst best man he’s ever seen.

I was speechless.

πŸ‘︎ 53
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Nov 23 2019
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I was just looking at my ceiling. Not sure if it’s the best ceiling in the world,

but it’s definitely up there.

πŸ‘︎ 127
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πŸ‘€︎ u/udrys
πŸ“…︎ May 31 2019
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At his wedding, my friend called me the worst best man he has ever seen.

I was speechless.

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jan 14 2020
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At his wedding, my friend called me the worst best man he’s ever seen.

I was speechless.

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ May 06 2019
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