Now we cant elope
It's now a butterfly cake
No pun in ten did.
shrugs Bratwurst
but it’s definitely up there.
I was speechless.
Well it’s not a law it’s a mandate
You can buy and wrap your own surprise presents. And you’re constantly making new friends.
Kitchen counter... the groans could be heard by the neighbors
My 2 year old has cereal in her snack cup and just showed me that there was a piece of cereal in her sleeve. I said, "Looks like you got some tricks up your sleeve." GUESS WHAT KIND OF CEREAL SHE WAS EATING!.....IT WAS TRIX!
Edit: Thanks for my first gold!
"He was always looking down on me!"
They knew he’d give a French toast, and they said it wasn’t worth the pain.
Cousin: I really want a dog this year.
Wife: What kind do you want?
Cousin: I’m really wanting a poodle.
My Dad: Just wait until it rains. There will be plenty of “poudles” around.
Everyone else : 🙄
His parking is unparalleled!
She said he's a glue-ru.
They seemed to enjoy my wedding toast.
But it's up there.
He told me to hang upside down from a tree branch and curl my arms behind my back.
I said “weird flex but OK”
So you all have to take it with a grain of salt.
Her friend had come along with us to the buffet and was eating something that I can't quite remember now, but she ends up asking "where is the duck sauce?" To which my mom, without even skipping a beat, blurted out the following words with not a single emotion on her face, "probably next to the quackers". I almost choked on my food I was laughing so hard. Love you mom
My dad was also a bus driver.
*goes up on stage*
Me: "Plethora"
*walks off towards widow*
Widow: "Thank you. That means a lot."
Here are two of my dad's funniest (most memorable) moments while out to eat...
About five years ago, my ex-boyfriend and I went out for Valentine's Day with my parents. My mom and I were having a conversation about my brother's ex-fiancee when...
Ex: "Oh, so you guys don't like her?"
Dad: "No, but that's alright, we don't really like [K's] boyfriend all that much either."
Needless to say, it wasn't as funny at the time...
Then about a few months ago, with my current boyfriend, we went out to eat with some family friends. At the time, my boyfriend was employed at an A/C company doing Chinese drywall and was talking with two of the men employed in other construction trades.
Family Friend: "Don't get involved in concrete. Or Construction. Better yet, stay out of anything that begins with a C."
Dad (from the other side of the table): "You better stay out of anything that starts with a K, too."
It's even more ironic considering I happen to have one of those names that's commonly spelled with a C, but my parents decided to spell with a K. But as mortified as my boyfriend was, I have to give it to my dad, that one was pretty damn funny.
She's got an iPhone 6S and wanted a case, so I let her know she could also try and iPhone 7 case, but it covers the headphone jack.
Wife: I really like this one
Me: Now are you really okay with it covering the headphone jack?
Wife: oh this one doesn't, it's open at the bottom
Me: Huh. So it's on a case by case basis?
Let's just say I got my daily recommended value of eye roll.
Clearly, I’m only the next Best Man.
I said do you want to bet on it? He said sad no, the steaks were to high.
I told him, "Of course, I'd even write a speech for you!"
Friend - "What would it say?"
Me - "Well, it would start off as, "He's a really great and handsome guy, you could even go as far as to call him a spud!""
Edit: Darn phone keyboard messed up the title.
My dad replied, "How DO they light those chains?"
While putting footie pajamas on my baby niece we realized she was too tall for them. My dad says, "Cut off her feet and they'll fit. She's young, she'll adapt."
Me: So today in Acting class I managed to bruise my knee and cut my thigh.
Dad: Acting is dangerous. Perhaps you should do something less dangerous like football.
I was speechless.
I was speechless.
I was speechless.
but it’s definitely up there.
I was speechless.
I was speechless.
