My Best Friend Puns

RIP

They knew he’d give a French toast, and they said it wasn’t worth the pain.

I was speechless.

But the jokes couldn’t be any cornea.

Now his business is toast.

Not long after, he took up drowning

I wish the First National would stop sending their packages to my pond's address...

He's mostly known for his polyp fiction.

"Yeah," He responded

"They're Homie made."

I call him my Czech mate.

Seems like their relationship isn't gonna workout

He’s my buddy double.

I’m really happy for you Omelette you finish, but I have the best egg puns around

Good thing it was a soft drink!

"Shame you don't have any friends" she said

Honestly, I should have seen the signs.

I laugh the most

All three said no.

God I miss him .

I can’t wait to see her face light up when she opens it.

It was easier said then done.

I didn't even know she was selling flowers !

My wife is still angry about it but me & Dave were drunk and thought it was hilarious

His was better and it drove me up the wall

But I don’t know. Why can’t I just start with one?

I guess he is lack-toes intolerant

I drove all the way to his house just to find out he's just a big fucking lyre.

He remains stationary.

Bar naan!

R.I.P

I know he means well.

I said, “I don’t know, but the flag is a big plus.”

It's going to take an hour to develop, but her wedding photos are spectacular.

He's the most down-to-earth guy I know.

A real stand-up guy

So his son plays baseball and his mitt was in rough condition. They make these little boxes for baseball mitts that put out heat, humidity, and massage the mitt slightly to keep it in good condition. They're pretty small and can fit on a kitchen counter top. It's best to keep them near the sink to refill the water reservoir when it gets low. It's helpful if it's like right above the sink. My friend had put his on the bar behind the sink.

It was seriously the nicest bar mitt spa I had ever seen!

I said “Depends, will you give it back?”

They're my arch-nemesis now.

I then yelled for my dog to get off the bed.

"Well this has been a really emotional day, gosh...even the wedding cake is in tiers." Got lots of heavy sighing, laughs and tons of boos....I was very happy with the reception

• thanks for the upvotes! Never thought I'd see the front page, it's been a pun-ishing wait to get there

I accidentally dropped it! But,i caught it before it dropped to the floor. Then i realised...
I was holding on to "Dear Life,"
After i gave the letter to him,he gave me lemons,i still don't know why though,but i made lemonade,it just felt right.

I’ve always been able to count on him.

Is* in the title.

It was gold

So how do I tell him his wife cheated?

He left me with trusty shoes.

I replied “Sounds like a u problem”

If my wife ever finds out, she’ll kill me!

Now I'm onto him.

*goes up on stage*

Me: "Plethora"

*walks off towards widow*
Widow: "Thank you. That means a lot."

My best friend doesn't have much luck in his private life. His 1st wife left him and the 2nd one isn't going to.

Since I don't have any kids, that's a Faux Pa

I don't see the appeal myself.

But I don’t know if he’s going to give it back.

I've found that making them with people is usually a great bonding experience.

I sometimes see his wife flash before my eyes.

He always sticks around, even when life's rough rough

My wife was texting her inviting them over and said, "We will be grilling brats if you guys want some!"

She responded with, "No thanks, we generally try not to eat kids, regardless of their attitude."

All that time and nothing to chauffeur it

Me: "I think guardians of the galaxy is Vin Diesels best role yet."

Her: "Yeah, he really branched out!"

Me: "dammit..."

Yep, that's my arm-Pete.

Sometimes, I think he's a bit backwards.

I'm a 24yr F, and was well-trained by my father in the art of dad jokes. And I discovered that my best friend hates dad jokes one evening when we were hanging out and she goes "Hey Sasafras23...I'm hungry."

"Hi hungry, I'm Sasafras23."

"I HATE YOU."

Since then I have been periodically torturing her with dad jokes. Most recently:

(Helping her clean for a party). Friend: "Okay, let's hit the table first."

(I hit the table sharply) "Okay, now what?"

Her: I swear I will kill you.

I told her she's full of shit.

So I said does this mean we're best friends for wife?

What's green and lets you do stuff?

Permit the Frog.

Happened over text message: http://imgur.com/fNLRgpZ

Him: Yeah man...I went golfing like for times last summer, I want to go more regularly this year so I don't suck quite so much haha

Me: *fore times. FTFY

Him: Jesus. A little early in life to be making dad jokes, don't you think?

Me: I'm not Jesus, I'm Kevin.

Him: Goddammit.

I was speechless.

I was speechless.

But I don’t know, why can’t I just start with one?

I can’t wait to see his face light up when he opens it.

I was speechless.

I can’t wait to see his face light up when he opens it.

And my wife of 15 years is still mad about it.

I then yelled for my dog to get off the bed.

I was speechless!