I came home really drunk last night and my wife wasn’t happy at all. “How much have you had to drink?” she asked sternly, staring at me. “Nothing” I slurred. “Look at me!” she shouted. “It’s either me or the pub, which one is it?”
I paused for a second while I thought and mumbled, “It’s you. I can tell by the voice.”
I was so bored sitting at home that I memorized six pages of the dictionary.
I learned next to nothing.
when I was a child we were so poor that my mother made us clothes out of the scraps my dad would bring home from work at the sandpaper factory
I have a step ladder at home...
... I never knew my real ladder.
My wife rang me at the pub and said, “If you’re not home in 10 minutes, I’m giving the dinner I cooked you to the dog.” I was home in 5 minutes.
I’d hate for anything to happen to the dog.
One day, as I was walking home, someone threw a block of cheese at my head. I thought-
“That’s not very mature!”
I just bought a Thesaurus at the store and bought it home to find all the pages were blank.
I have no words to describe how angry I am.
An man at a bar didn’t want his wife to know he was out all night. But he was so drunk he couldn’t even stand and had to crawl all the way back home on all fours.
He got home he reached up for the door knob and opened the door, crawled upstairs and into his bed with his wife. His wife in the morning said “Why were you out all night?” He said “How did you find out?”
She said “The bar called. They said you left your wheelchair again”.
My wife asked how many Indian flatbreads do we still have at home,
Why should you always eat eggs benedict at home on Christmas?
Because there's no place like home for the hollandaise.
Pro tip: If you are looking for a cheap way to work out at home, consider using milk jugs as weights.
But be sure to use almond or soy milk, I’ve heard they’re the healthier alternatives.
Apparently, I’ve been using counterfeit electricity at home.
I’m a victim of electron fraud!
I have to tell someone about this because I'm at home alone with my 2 year old and 11 month old, and they're to young to understand my best dad joke ever.
My 2 year old has cereal in her snack cup and just showed me that there was a piece of cereal in her sleeve. I said, "Looks like you got some tricks up your sleeve." GUESS WHAT KIND OF CEREAL SHE WAS EATING!.....IT WAS TRIX!
Edit: Thanks for my first gold!
My 6 yr old son has an attitude problem at the dinner table. He barely eats and always makes the rudest comments about the home-cooked food we provide him, so tonight we tried alphabet soup.
I really hope he eats his words.
True story: Driving back home, my 5 year old son says "How do you spell 'penis'?". My wife looks at me curiously and then asks "Why?"
After a few moments of silence, my son replies "That's it?"
Keeping tropical fish at home can have a calming effect on the brain
Due to all the indoor fins.
A carrot and his wife are walking home from a party late at night and he gets hit by a car.
Mrs. Carrot takes him to the ER and after a day of surgery, the doctor steps out and says, "Mrs. Carrot, I have good news and I have bad news. The good news is, we saved your husband. The bad news is, he's going to be a vegetable the rest of his life."
In my my neighbor's home, their huge dog frequently sleeps at the landing at the top of their tall staircase causing a possible tripping hazard. Good advice to them....
Persons in their household should watch their steps, particularly early risers.
Had too many drinks at the pub last night, so the lads suggested I leave the car there and take the bus home.
Turns out I was in no fit state to drive it home either.
I got arrested because I left my car at the bar and took the bus home.
It turned out I was in no condition to drive that either.
When I came home from my first day at my new job my wife asked me what my new schedule was like. I said it looks like Rihanna...
...because all I can see is work, work, work, work, work...
8yo nephew's an early bloomer. Gets home, tells his dad, "There was a kidnaping at school today." Dad: "What!?!" 8yo, dead serious, -
"It's okay, dad... He woke up." Doesn't even smile. Walks away.
My wife and I are having movie nights at home now, and making our own popcorn and drinks.
It's not easy, but these days we all have to make concessions.
Started a business building Yachts at home during the Lockdown..
..and the Sails have gone through the roof.
With everyone staying at home, Papa Murphy’s..
must be making some dough..
The midwife asked my pregnant wife and I if we would like the baby to be delivered at home.
I said that we'd prefer that the baby kept its liver intact, thanks.
I bought 10 asparagus at the store but when I got home I realized I had 11...
It was just a spare, I guess...
In the Disney animated picture, Ratatouille, Remy controls Linguini actions by pulling his hair, giving him a perfect palette. The little chef’s squeak is the only other voice Linguini ever really hears at home.
I guess you could say Remy is Linguini’s voice of season
I was at the supermarket and I picked up these little odd shaped onions. When I got home my wife asked should she use them for dinner tonight, I told her "Yes, but they're quite strong so...
For those of you stuck at home
I was sitting at home the other day when man broke in holding a block of cheese.
He stabbed me with it and all I could think was damn, that cheddar is sharp.
My friend has this weird habit where he gnaws at bricks when he visits someone’s home.
Doctors are calling it Munch housin’ syndrome.
I was walking up the aisle at my local Home Depot and spotted a cranky looking old man in an orange vest.
“Excuse me, could you help me?” I asked.
He grunted in response, barely looking at me.
“Um, I’m looking for a way to keep my dogs in my backyard. Do you know where those electric leashes are? I’m trying to decide if I should try that or just block it off with a fence or something.”
He turned to face me and looked me up and down with disdain, “Do we look like a pet store?” And he turned around and walked away.
I took a fence.
Of course I'm not. I'm going to stay at home. That has nothing to do with the lockdown though!
Well, I'm at home for the time being.
I lost electricity at home yesterday.
I think my house is on a power trip.
My teen daughter was complaining about life under “Safer at home”. “I can’t see my friends, there’s literally nothing to do that’s not online. Even my classes are online!”
My teenage daughter came home from school and she was blazing mad. “We had sex education today, dad and you lied to me! You told me if I have sex before my sixteenth birthday, my boyfriend will die!” I put down my newspaper, looked at her and said…
“Oh, he will, sweetheart, he will.”
Seen this in pets at home.. mehehe
Did you hear? Parents everywhere are feeling disoriented and unable to keep up with their kids while at home.
An announcement was made by the Center for Dizzies Control.
Raising chickens at home, just asked my Dad "how do I tell if a baby chick is male or female?"
Dad: "look for the pecker"
Yesterday a casket at a funeral home magically came to life, and immediately got sick
It watched the news and became convinced it had contracted the coronavirus from it's intended inhabitant, a Chinese woman from Wuhan who had died of the disease.
The casket went to the emergency room at the nearest hospital.
After overcoming her initial shock at diagnosing a casket, the ER doctor ran a blood test and determined the casket definitely did not have the coronavirus.
"But I feel like I'm dying doctor, and I only just came to life. If it isn't the coronavirus what is it?" worriedly asked the casket.
"I'm not sure," answered the doctor, "we'll have to run some more tests."
"But my fever, the pain in my lungs...what could it be? Doctor if you had to give me your best diagnosis right now without the tests, what do you think could be causing these terrible respiratory symptoms?"
The doctor thought for a moment then answered, "SARS cough I guess."
My mother's mother lost her false teeth at the retirement home. We searched the place everywhere but couldn't find them.
We looked in every nook and granny!
What kinda music they play at the old folks home?
I came home really drunk last night and my wife wasn’t happy at all. “How much have you had to drink?” she asked sternly, staring at me. “Nothing” I slurred. “Look at me!” she shouted. “It’s either me or the pub, which one is it?”
I paused for a second while I thought and said, “It’s you. I can tell by the voice.”
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