True story: My family and I were walking at an apple orchard today when my 6-year-old noticed a discarded apple and asked "Why is there an apple under a pine tree?"
I responded without missing a beat, "That, my son, is a pine apple."
Shoutout to the mom passing by who witnessed and appreciated this gem.
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︎ Sep 28 2020
How am I supposed to find the Big Apple?
I donβt even know where the Minneapolis!
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︎ Nov 08 2020
Walking down the road last night, I passed an apple pie, an ice cream sundae, and a lemon cheesecake.
I thought "the streets are strangely desserted tonight."
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︎ Jul 15 2020
I can't use my laptop anymore because someone spilled apple juice on it.
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︎ Oct 16 2020
I saw a robbery at an apple store today.
The police interviewed me because I was an iWitness.
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︎ Sep 18 2020
I hate Apple picking
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︎ Sep 26 2020
I was chopping apples today.
Some did not make the cut.
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︎ Sep 20 2020
I met a man named Jim Apple the other day.
He has trouble introducing himself in France.
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︎ Jan 09 2020
I used Apple Watch to monitor my workout when I was at Orange Theory ...
Basically my overall performance was compared with Appleβs and Orangeβs.
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︎ Aug 07 2020
A man walks into Apple and says βHi, Iβm after an iPhone 11β
The assistant says βOk Iβll serve the iPhone 11 first thenβ
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︎ Jul 15 2020
My friend thought I chucked a freshly eaten apple at his face.
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︎ May 31 2020
Original joke time! The apples I had to remove the peals from all appeared in twos, matched for use together.
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︎ May 03 2020
I farted in the Apple store and everyone got pissed at me
Not my fault they don't have Windows
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︎ May 25 2020
If I have 23 apples in one hand, and 33 oranges in the other hand, what do I have?
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︎ Apr 10 2020
I heard Apple are trying to seize the market on immaterial groups of dolphins
I think they called them airpods
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︎ May 18 2020
I heard Apple is developing a new car
But they were having trouble installing windows.
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︎ Feb 09 2020
I was lying beneath a tree pondering gravity, when suddenly an apple came tumbling down
. . . and then it struck me.
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︎ Apr 14 2020
I was in the Apple store the other day and the sales assistant Robert, approached me and asked would I like to try the new iPhone. Not interested, I turned and said:
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︎ Dec 05 2019
Iβm hoping in the next iOS update Apple releases they include more jack o lantern emojis.
But I donβt want to count my pumpkins before they patch.
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︎ Oct 30 2019
I called my boss a bad apple today
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︎ Jan 17 2020
I've realized I don't really like apples
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︎ Jan 09 2020
If you can guess how many apples I'm holding behind my back, I'll give you them both.
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︎ Nov 08 2019
My dad knew I wanted an Apple Watch...he delivered!
https://i.imgur.com/9IrzGtD.jpg
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︎ Dec 26 2018
Whenever I go to a Apple Store, I feel like a three year old at a candy shop.
I canβt afford anything.
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︎ Apr 11 2019
I just ate a frozen apple
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︎ Feb 11 2019
I wanted to buy the new Apple Pro Display but I only have $4999...
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︎ Jun 06 2019
I read that Apple is going to invest in optometry...
...they are calling it iDoctor.
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︎ Mar 13 2019
βNo, I donβt have Apple Pay!β
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︎ Sep 08 2019
If I witnessed a robbery in the Apple store, would that make me an iWitness?
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︎ May 19 2018
I canβt stand Appleβs prices right now.
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︎ Jun 06 2019
I want to buy Apple's new monitor but I only have $4,000...
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︎ Jun 06 2019
I like my apples the way I like my trees.
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︎ Sep 01 2019
I went into an Apple store and farted. Everyone started glaring at me.
I said, "What? It's not my fault you don't have Windows!"
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︎ Feb 21 2019
There was a farmer selling his produce at the side of the road, I pulled over as I was a bit hungry to get an apple. I noticed he also sold paracetamol and cough medicine. I asked him "why do you sell drugs?"
He said "I'm a farmer see"
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︎ Jun 13 2019
I bake apple pies for a living. I recently bought an apple corer, but I quit using it...
...because it was boring.
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︎ Aug 27 2019
Guys, I got a new Apple Watch for Christmas!
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︎ Dec 27 2018
I could barely make out any of the figures on Apples earningβs report
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︎ Aug 01 2019
Walking home last night, I passed a slice of apple pie, an ice cream sundae, and a lemon cheesecake.
I thought to myself, βThe streets seem strangely dessertedβ¦β
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︎ Jul 20 2020
I saw a robbery take place at the Apple Store today.
The police wanted to interview me because I was an iWitness.
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︎ Sep 19 2020
I saw someone rob the Apple store.
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︎ May 01 2020
So I farted in an Apple store and everyone got mad
I said too bad they don't have windows
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︎ Oct 26 2019
I farted in the Apple store, and everyone got mad.
It's not my fault that they didn't have Windows.
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︎ Aug 31 2018
I once farted in an Apple Store. They kicked me out because they didin't have Windows
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︎ Sep 03 2019
I saw a robbery at an Apple store.
The police tell me that I'm their iWitness.
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︎ Apr 12 2019
I just saw a robbery at the Apple store.
I guess that makes me an iWitness!
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︎ May 16 2019
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