Funny how in the past everyone owned horses and only the rich owned cars, and now everyone has cars and only the rich have horses...
My how the stables have turned.
Edit: Wow guys, thanks for all the love!
I cut myself and now I need to listen to some music to make sure it heals good.
Or how the doctor put it, "A band aid."
I fell at work and cracked my tailbone. Now I can’t sit down and I have to listen to everyone’s wise cracks..
All in all it’s been a real pain in the ass!
I hear astronaut schools are now accepting cats, and it only costs $2...
Finished season 5 and now I’m sad
Now that I’m officially a dad I have my first good joke. Me and my wife are driving down the road and a bug splats the window.
I turn to her and say “I bet he don’t have the guts to do that again”
Edit: holy shit y’all this blew up. Thank you master dads. I feel worthy
I planted a few hostas around my house, and now they've gotten so big that they've completely outgrown all my other decorative plants.
Honest LPT: I got embarrassed the other day, and want to help other people avoid making my mistake. Now this might seem counterintuitive, but if you come up with a good dad joke MEMORIZD it and NEVER write it down. Because the moment you put it on paper...
I watched Bohemian Rhapsody three times in a row, and now I feel a little sick.
It must be the high Mercury content.
Just read that FED X are merging with UPS and now will be known as....
Now and later candies are changing thier name.
It offends those who have already done it.
My wife's been in a coma for 2 weeks now and doctors have told me to expect the worst.
So, I have to go to all the charity shops and get her clothes back.
I ran out of toilet paper last week and can't afford to buy more till I get paid next week, so I started using the newspapers. Now the realisation has kicked in......
......... The Times are really Rough!!!
So it's 2021 now, then 2022, and then 2023.
I guess the vision for the future is getting worse.
A fish steps outside her house and get hers fins and gills blown out of order by the weather, so she goes back in for a jacket. Her husband asks, “What’s it like Outside Right Now?” She replies,
I just got glasses due to myopia and now everything looks clear and 4K.
Guess that's my New Year's Resolution
25 emails between me (film producer) and Jason (my props master) over the course of making my film RUN (on Hulu now!)
Which dinosaur survived extinction and is now found in farmer's fields?
They demolished an abandoned industrial complex near me recently and now I can't smell.
They must have destroyed my old factory senses.
My son told me, “Dad, I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes, and now it burns.”
I said, “That’s Heinz sight for you.”
I’m in Tampa bay right now and they’re selling corn on the cob...
*This is a literal Dad Joke my father used to tell when I was a kid about 30 years ago. He's almost 80 now and it still makes him laugh.* - So, there was this man named James Fart. Everybody made fun of him since he was very young. "James Fart! James Fart" the bullies used to make him cry...
He came of age among this suffering and at 21 was finally able to legally change his name. He arrived at the government office where he presented himself:
-I'm James Fart and I want to legally change my name!
Of course they laughed at him (everybody did) but eventually they all settled and came around to the situation.
-Ok, so... your current name is.. ·chuckles· James Fart... I'm sorry, I just...
-I know, everybody has been laughing at my name since as long as I can remember.
After a long and tedious process, everything is ready.
-Very well, sorry for the delays but you know how hard this protocols are. The good news: you are no longer "James Fart", what name do you want instead?
-Charles Fart.
A minute ago my calculator was fine and now, mysteriously, it's not working.
Something just doesn't add up.
I just finished Grosse Pointe Blank and now I’m putting on Good Will Hunting.
My dad got a gender reassignment and now I never see him
“Christopher Wreath” is back on my door and now the holidays can begin!
My dog pooped on the deck yesterday and now it's all hard.
After many years of therapy, my psychologist has finally cured me of the desire to sit in the corner in public and blow on people that walk by! But now I have the urge to wear teen idol t-shirts and lean against the wall...
Long time fan, first time poster.
My 6 year old daughter set up a party and led me to the registration sheet. It said "Sine here". Now I am wondering if there is another sheet that says "Cosine there".
Sorry for going on a tangent
Air used to be free and now it’s 1.75 you know why?
Before air was free at the gas station, and now you have to pay for it? You know why?
When I was young, my parents used to buy all my sports gear but now that I’m an adult I figured I should splurge and buy myself a nice hockey stick. When I went looking at the store I realized that my parents would only buy me low quality, inexpensive sticks to save money.
Cheapskates!........cheap helmets, cheap gloves...
Germany is now advising its citizens to stock up on cheese and sausages.
The Wurst Käse scenario has arrived.
The Indianapolis Colts lost again today, and now everyone is mad at Google Maps...
...because any idiot could have told them to take Teddy Bridgewater over Philip Rivers.
And now the pasta will lead us in a hymn...
My hair used to be black, and now every day more white hairs keeps moving in. This makes me angry, and it makes me sad.
My hair is getting gentrified, and soon, I won't be able to afford it.
I now pronounce you husband and wifi
You may kiss the bride goodbye.
I've been Internet hacking for almost thirty years, and now I want to give it up.
Can someone point me to an Anonymous Anonymous group?
/r/BlackFathers will now be a positive and supportive community for Black and POC fathers
https://i.imgur.com/GlXV2kE.gifv
Reddit admins have recently granted ownership of /r/BlackFathers to myself and a group of other Black/POC mods, and it is our intention to make this a positive and supportive community. This is a place where Black/POC fathers and their family, friends, and colleagues can find helpful resources, welcoming content, and a safe space to learn from each other and share our experience.
Content of all types are welcome so long as the subject/focus of the content is supportive of Black/POC fathers. We look forward to seeing you there.
I just told my dad that things were tense between me and my BFF right now.
He responded with "Wow. Things are so tents it yurts."
Think of a number between 5 and 15. Multiply by 2, add 3, and subtract 7 from the answer. Now close your eyes.
Our birth coach just cancelled, my wife is due any day now, and we're freaking out!
We're having a midwife crisis.
Our city’s main reservoir leaked and now water supply is dependent on a network of bores
Which to be honest I think is a pretty mean way to refer to our city council, however dull they may be.
My wife and I are having movie nights at home now, and making our own popcorn and drinks.
It's not easy, but these days we all have to make concessions.
When I was a young boy, I was walking down a gravel road with my grandpa. I accidentally slipped and fell to the ground, cutting my knees. Grandpa gently bent down and began to clean the wound, removing the little pebbles now embedded in my skin as I cried...
I'd always heard adults talk about it, but I finally knew what they were talking about.
I'll never forget the pain of my first kid knee stones...
I watched Bohemian Rhapsody three times in a row, and now I feel a little sick.
Must be the high Mercury content.
I listened to Queen albums for 12 hours in a row, and now I feel a little sick.
It must be the high Mercury content.
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