"Why didn't Elsa see a doctor for her sore throat and cough? Because a cold never bothered her anyway!" My youngest son thought of that all by himself!
He's a 38-year-old lawyer in Nebraska...
π︎ 11k
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︎ Apr 27 2020
Warned my son about the dangers of drugs today. Told him a story about a girl I knew who went crazy from doing mushrooms all the time. Surprised, he asked, "Really?" I replied, "Yes, absolutely true."
"She became a little spore addict."
π︎ 4
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︎ May 22 2020
I told my son, "Have you heard that they're shutting down all food resources in schools, so that children can't eat?"
"Canteens?" he asked.
"No, it doesn't matter what age," I replied.
π︎ 243
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︎ Mar 19 2020
My son missed curfew again, so to teach him a lesson, I made him remove all the kudzu out back.
It was de-vine punishment.
π︎ 5
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︎ May 18 2020
My son said he wanted to swim in an ocean someday, any ocean at all.
I told him to be more Pacific.
π︎ 55
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︎ Feb 24 2020
My 4yo son was surprised I saw him doing something out of the corner of my eye. He asked how I saw him and I said, "Grown ups see all kinds of things."
"That's why it's called adult super-vision."
π︎ 29
π
︎ Mar 29 2020
With all this corona stuff going on, My son just said he had a fever...
I naturally told him that the only cure is more cowbell.
(...I laughed. And he did not. Nor did the wife. Sleeping on the couch tonight! ... worth it!)
π︎ 19
π
︎ Mar 18 2020
βDoc, all five of my sons want to be valets when they grow up!β
Doctor: Holy shit, this is the worst case of parking sonβs disease Iβve ever seen!
π︎ 48
π
︎ Jan 18 2020
My son is lazy, sitting on the couch all damn day...
I told him he should try out for American Idle
π︎ 2
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︎ Mar 19 2020
Sitting in the ER with my son last night, he got me with this one. I was trying to lift his spirits and was pointing out all the crazy equipment they have in the room. I said "Oh look. They have tongue depressers." He says "Those won't work on me." I asked why and he says...
"I'm on antidepressants."
He's going in for surgery at 3:30pm Pacific. All your positive thoughts and prayers are appreciated.
Edit: Thank you all for the kind words and omg for the gold! He's out of surgery and looks to be recovering nicely. All your well wishes helped cheer him and his parents up.
π︎ 3k
π
︎ Jun 19 2019
I caught my son rubbing banana peels all over him. At first, I was worried. Then I realized it.
He was going to be all ripe.
π︎ 42
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︎ Dec 19 2019
My son asked me "How much do all of our bones weigh?"
I said "Probably a skeleton"
π︎ 49
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︎ Dec 09 2019
I was all set to celebrate my promotion at work when my son came home and said he was voted king of his class...
He really reigned on my parade.
π︎ 8
π
︎ Jan 18 2020
Today I insisted that my son had a hole in his shoe. He didn't believe me and kept looking and looking, took it off and inspect it. He yelled "There is no hole in there at all!"
So I yelled back "Then how did your foot get in there!"
π︎ 11k
π
︎ Jun 24 2018
My son got good grades in all his classes except Greek Mythology
That's always been his Achilles Elbow
π︎ 310
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︎ Jun 11 2019
My son just caught his first fish and sat on the wall all day admiring it!
π︎ 5
π
︎ Nov 09 2019
My son has been going to the gym all year round.
I've been going to the gym all year, round.
π︎ 7
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︎ Nov 07 2019
This one made me proud as a dad. My 9 1/2 year-old son came up with it: What do you call someone you can't stand because all they do is annoy you with question after question?
An askhole.
I didn't even laugh at first. I immediately asked if he'd heard it somewhere. He said he hadn't, that he'd come up with it on his own. When I asked him when he did that, he said it was when we were leaving for church (earlier that day). Then I had a good laugh.
I helped him tweak the setup a little, and then I had him tell his momma. I laughed even harder when she sat in stunned silence for a few seconds and then busted out laughing with her hands over her mouth.
We explained to him that while the joke was not wholly appropriate for his age, it most certainly was funny.
π︎ 35
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︎ Jul 10 2019
My son was crying today because he spilled his scrambled eggs all over his art supplies.
He was having an eggs and stencils crisis.
π︎ 132
π
︎ Jun 25 2019
My son can fix all your plumbing, bring your electrical up to code and handle any framing or carpentry you could imagine
π︎ 7
π
︎ Apr 20 2019
my son ate all the chips
he told me it was a snaccident
π︎ 36
π
︎ Jan 08 2019
My Arab son asked me how come all our neighbor countries like us
I told him that simply its because we are all united Arabs. emirate?
π︎ 4
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︎ May 26 2019
I was talking about the dangers of the web with my son. He says, βDonβt worry dad, I know all about the dark web!β
I then asked him, βWell how do you get there? Iβve tried turning off the lights and everything.β
π︎ 4
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︎ Apr 22 2019
I took my son to the pet store, and he wanted to get a porcupine that had lost all its quills.
I said, βThatβs completely pointless.β
π︎ 17
π
︎ Feb 27 2019
I asked my son what he wanted to eat at the NBA all star game
π︎ 5
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︎ Feb 22 2019
I came home with a salamander on my shoulder and my son, all excited, shouted, "What's his name!?β
Smiling, I replied, βTiny!"
My kid laughed and asked, βWhat an odd name, why do you call him Tiny?β
I explained, βBecause...heβs my newt!"
π︎ 10
π
︎ Jul 12 2018
My son came up to me the other day asking for the biggest newest iPhone because all his friends had one. I turned to my wife and immediately told her I got my blood test results back I got done earlier in the week.
I turn back to my son and say βit turns out, Iβm not made of moneyβ.
π︎ 3
π
︎ Dec 28 2018
I got my son a gift card for Christmas. I told him not to spend it all in one place.
π︎ 3
π
︎ Dec 31 2018
All this while, I thought my son was majoring in Oceanography.
Turns out he is just a C student.
π︎ 19
π
︎ Jul 30 2018
I have a really bad relationship with my transgender son. He doesn't talk to me at all
It's like I'm transparent to him
π︎ 4
π
︎ Oct 17 2018
My son told me the other day "Dad, I'm sick and tired of all your lame ass stupid jokes!"
I said "Hi sick-and-tired-of-all-your-lame-ass-stupid-jokes, I'm Dad."
π︎ 16
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︎ Sep 10 2018
My son splashed soup all over my wife at dinner...
... After we cleaned the mess, because he thought it was party time not dinner time, my wife was sitting, defeated, on the couch lamenting having a rowdy toddler. She was listing all the things that could be different if he was calmer (the kid is always full-throttle and smart as fuck, I love it but it's a lot to handle) including not stinking like soup. I look into her eyes, hold her hands in mine, lift her chin up and said:
"Baby, I love you. You smell super."
In unrelated news, sleeping on the couch is better than advertised.
π︎ 36
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︎ Nov 20 2017
My son drew all over the electrical sockets in his room with a crayon.
When I asked him why he did that, he replied βYou said I needed a creative outlet.β
π︎ 14
π
︎ Jun 19 2018
[True Story] My son had a great day power boating - my wife asked if it all went off without a hitch...
Iβm like, thatβs nearly impossible!
π︎ 5
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︎ May 29 2018
Our family went on a long hike, and our youngest son kept slipping and falling. My wife comforted him, saying, "Don't worry, honey, after we get through this snowy part it's all cake after that." "Don't believe a word she says," I interjected...
"There's no cake, it's all just rocks and dirt."
π︎ 2
π
︎ Apr 30 2018
My son just found my hit list with all the "Bill"s I know. He asked what I was planning on doing.
I told him, "Oh, just Robin Williams."
π︎ 4
π
︎ Jan 31 2018
My son told me that weed could be the worst drug of all time.
I said "pfft, weed is bush league"
π︎ 4
π
︎ Feb 04 2018
I'm giving away all of my childhood toys to my newborn son...
...passing on the lego-cy.
π︎ 59
π
︎ Apr 18 2016
My 6yo son me. Me: "Don't eat all of those Swedish fish at once you get a stomachache." Him: "I won't Daddy. I'll eat them one at a time."
π︎ 18
π
︎ May 29 2016
My son said he felt like all his teeth were loose
I said not to worry, it's all in your head...
π︎ 37
π
︎ Feb 01 2017
I ask my newborn son all the time if he's got ties to Russia.
π︎ 10
π
︎ May 30 2017
Been telling my son all day, this is almost perfect barbecue weather.
π︎ 2
π
︎ Aug 04 2017
At my son's insistence that i post it... Have y'all heard about that really annoying vampire?
Apparently, they are a real pain in the neck.
Down vote
π︎ 26
π
︎ Aug 23 2016
I work at a grocery store with my son and he rotated all the cleaning products and left me a note
The note said "I guess the tides have turned"...I've infected him with dad humor
π︎ 13
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︎ Sep 14 2016
My son got us all, and made his little brother cry, at game night.
We were playing a popular table top naval warfare game, and my son proclaimed his next shot, "I-1!"
His little brother, who was already slightly behind, burst into tears, yelling, "What? You can't do that! Mom that's not fair."
It took us all a few seconds to figure out why he was so upset.
π︎ 15
π
︎ Sep 14 2015
Why didn't Elsa see a doctor for her sore throat and cough? Because a cold never bothered her anyway! ~ My youngest son thought of that all by himself!
He's a 38-year-old lawyer in Nebraska...
π︎ 7k
π
︎ Oct 08 2019
My 9 1/2 year-old son came up with this one: What do you call someone you can't stand because all they do is annoy you with question after question?
An askhole.
I didn't even laugh at first. I immediately asked if he'd heard it somewhere. He said he hadn't, that he'd come up with it on his own. When I asked him when he did that, he said it was when we were leaving for church (earlier that day). Then I had a good laugh.
I helped him tweak the setup a little, and then I had him tell his momma. I laughed even harder when she sat in stunned silence for a few seconds and then busted out laughing with her hands over her mouth.
We explained to him that while the joke was not wholly appropriate for his age, it most certainly was funny.
π︎ 4
π
︎ Jul 10 2019
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