My 4-year-old son has been learning Spanish all year and he still can't say the word, please.
which I think is poor for four.
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︎ Nov 28 2020
If all the elves were missing from my son's LOTR Lego set,
Would you call that a Lego-loss?
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︎ Nov 11 2020
Last night my son saw a mouse in the kitchen so he wiped down all the counters and cleaned everything...
Tonight I'm putting the mouse in the bathroom.
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︎ Oct 28 2020
"Why didn't Elsa see a doctor for her sore throat and cough? Because a cold never bothered her anyway!" My youngest son thought of that all by himself!
He's a 38-year-old lawyer in Nebraska...
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︎ Apr 27 2020
My son spends all of his money on comic books
I keep telling him he has issues
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︎ Sep 18 2020
My son ate too much Easter candy one year, and threw it all up making loud wailing sounds as he did so.
I didn't want to hear another Peep out of him.
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︎ Sep 15 2020
My son said he knew all the dinosaur species and he named all of them.
I said " oh yeah, you forgot the Theasaurus "
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︎ Sep 06 2020
Son: "Hey Dad, Happy 25th Anniversary. Jeez! Almost all my friend's parents are divorced. What did you have to do to stay married for this long?"
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︎ Aug 15 2020
My son walked into the living room only to find me looking around all misty eyed. Reluctantly, he asked, "What's up pop?" I blubbered, "My boy, I really love our furniture..."
"Me and my recliner go way back."
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︎ Jul 21 2020
I came home with a salamander on my shoulder and my son, all excited, shouted, "What's his name!?β Smiling, I replied, βTiny!" My kid laughed and asked, βWhat an odd name, why do you call him Tiny?β
I explained, βBecause...heβs my newt!"
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︎ Aug 04 2020
I told my son, "Have you heard that they're shutting down all food resources in schools, so that children can't eat?"
"Canteens?" he asked.
"No, it doesn't matter what age," I replied.
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︎ Mar 19 2020
My son said he wanted to swim in an ocean someday, any ocean at all.
I told him to be more Pacific.
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︎ Feb 24 2020
Warned my son about the dangers of drugs today. Told him a story about a girl I knew who went crazy from doing mushrooms all the time. Surprised, he asked, "Really?" I replied, "Yes, absolutely true."
"She became a little spore addict."
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︎ May 22 2020
Sitting in the ER with my son last night, he got me with this one. I was trying to lift his spirits and was pointing out all the crazy equipment they have in the room. I said "Oh look. They have tongue depressers." He says "Those won't work on me." I asked why and he says...
"I'm on antidepressants."
He's going in for surgery at 3:30pm Pacific. All your positive thoughts and prayers are appreciated.
Edit: Thank you all for the kind words and omg for the gold! He's out of surgery and looks to be recovering nicely. All your well wishes helped cheer him and his parents up.
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︎ Jun 19 2019
My 4yo son was surprised I saw him doing something out of the corner of my eye. He asked how I saw him and I said, "Grown ups see all kinds of things."
"That's why it's called adult super-vision."
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︎ Mar 29 2020
My son missed curfew again, so to teach him a lesson, I made him remove all the kudzu out back.
It was de-vine punishment.
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︎ May 18 2020
Today I insisted that my son had a hole in his shoe. He didn't believe me and kept looking and looking, took it off and inspect it. He yelled "There is no hole in there at all!"
So I yelled back "Then how did your foot get in there!"
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︎ Jun 24 2018
βDoc, all five of my sons want to be valets when they grow up!β
Doctor: Holy shit, this is the worst case of parking sonβs disease Iβve ever seen!
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︎ Jan 18 2020
With all this corona stuff going on, My son just said he had a fever...
I naturally told him that the only cure is more cowbell.
(...I laughed. And he did not. Nor did the wife. Sleeping on the couch tonight! ... worth it!)
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︎ Mar 18 2020
I caught my son rubbing banana peels all over him. At first, I was worried. Then I realized it.
He was going to be all ripe.
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︎ Dec 19 2019
My son is lazy, sitting on the couch all damn day...
I told him he should try out for American Idle
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︎ Mar 19 2020
My son asked me "How much do all of our bones weigh?"
I said "Probably a skeleton"
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︎ Dec 09 2019
My son got good grades in all his classes except Greek Mythology
That's always been his Achilles Elbow
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︎ Jun 11 2019
I was all set to celebrate my promotion at work when my son came home and said he was voted king of his class...
He really reigned on my parade.
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︎ Jan 18 2020
My son was crying today because he spilled his scrambled eggs all over his art supplies.
He was having an eggs and stencils crisis.
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︎ Jun 25 2019
This one made me proud as a dad. My 9 1/2 year-old son came up with it: What do you call someone you can't stand because all they do is annoy you with question after question?
An askhole.
I didn't even laugh at first. I immediately asked if he'd heard it somewhere. He said he hadn't, that he'd come up with it on his own. When I asked him when he did that, he said it was when we were leaving for church (earlier that day). Then I had a good laugh.
I helped him tweak the setup a little, and then I had him tell his momma. I laughed even harder when she sat in stunned silence for a few seconds and then busted out laughing with her hands over her mouth.
We explained to him that while the joke was not wholly appropriate for his age, it most certainly was funny.
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︎ Jul 10 2019
My son just caught his first fish and sat on the wall all day admiring it!
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︎ Nov 09 2019
My son has been going to the gym all year round.
I've been going to the gym all year, round.
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︎ Nov 07 2019
My son can fix all your plumbing, bring your electrical up to code and handle any framing or carpentry you could imagine
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︎ Apr 20 2019
my son ate all the chips
he told me it was a snaccident
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︎ Jan 08 2019
My Arab son asked me how come all our neighbor countries like us
I told him that simply its because we are all united Arabs. emirate?
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︎ May 26 2019
I took my son to the pet store, and he wanted to get a porcupine that had lost all its quills.
I said, βThatβs completely pointless.β
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︎ Feb 27 2019
I was talking about the dangers of the web with my son. He says, βDonβt worry dad, I know all about the dark web!β
I then asked him, βWell how do you get there? Iβve tried turning off the lights and everything.β
π︎ 5
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︎ Apr 22 2019
I asked my son what he wanted to eat at the NBA all star game
π︎ 4
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︎ Feb 22 2019
All this while, I thought my son was majoring in Oceanography.
Turns out he is just a C student.
π︎ 18
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︎ Jul 30 2018
I have a really bad relationship with my transgender son. He doesn't talk to me at all
It's like I'm transparent to him
π︎ 4
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︎ Oct 17 2018
My son came up to me the other day asking for the biggest newest iPhone because all his friends had one. I turned to my wife and immediately told her I got my blood test results back I got done earlier in the week.
I turn back to my son and say βit turns out, Iβm not made of moneyβ.
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︎ Dec 28 2018
I got my son a gift card for Christmas. I told him not to spend it all in one place.
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︎ Dec 31 2018
My son splashed soup all over my wife at dinner...
... After we cleaned the mess, because he thought it was party time not dinner time, my wife was sitting, defeated, on the couch lamenting having a rowdy toddler. She was listing all the things that could be different if he was calmer (the kid is always full-throttle and smart as fuck, I love it but it's a lot to handle) including not stinking like soup. I look into her eyes, hold her hands in mine, lift her chin up and said:
"Baby, I love you. You smell super."
In unrelated news, sleeping on the couch is better than advertised.
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︎ Nov 20 2017
My son told me the other day "Dad, I'm sick and tired of all your lame ass stupid jokes!"
I said "Hi sick-and-tired-of-all-your-lame-ass-stupid-jokes, I'm Dad."
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︎ Sep 10 2018
My 4 year old son has been learning spanish all year and he still canβt say the word please.
Which i think is poor for four
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︎ Sep 15 2020
My 4 year old son has been learning Spanish all year and he still can't say the word please.
Which I think is poor for four.
π︎ 8
π
︎ Sep 21 2020
Why didn't Elsa see a doctor for her sore throat and cough? Because a cold never bothered her anyway! ~ My youngest son thought of that all by himself!
He's a 38-year-old lawyer in Nebraska...
π︎ 7k
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︎ Oct 08 2019
My 9 1/2 year-old son came up with this one: What do you call someone you can't stand because all they do is annoy you with question after question?
An askhole.
I didn't even laugh at first. I immediately asked if he'd heard it somewhere. He said he hadn't, that he'd come up with it on his own. When I asked him when he did that, he said it was when we were leaving for church (earlier that day). Then I had a good laugh.
I helped him tweak the setup a little, and then I had him tell his momma. I laughed even harder when she sat in stunned silence for a few seconds and then busted out laughing with her hands over her mouth.
We explained to him that while the joke was not wholly appropriate for his age, it most certainly was funny.
π︎ 3
π
︎ Jul 10 2019
I came home with a salamander on my shoulder and my son, all excited, shouted, "What's his name!?β
Smiling, I replied, βTiny!"
My kid laughed and asked, βWhat an odd name, why do you call him Tiny?β
I explained, βBecause...heβs my newt!"
π︎ 9
π
︎ Jul 12 2018
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