It's just two fowl to discuss
Cop: Giggling “Do you know HOO dunnit?” Owl: “Sir, eight people were murdered” Cop: O_O
I said, “Well? 2B or not 2B?”
The police track them to a motel, but can't narrow it down further. They call the judge and he writes out a warrant to search room #8 at the motel. Police break down the door and arrest the gang of cows with the stash.
Later the police captain calls the judge, "Your honor, how did you know where the gang would be hiding?"
Judge says, "It's easy Captain. Cows always room in 8".
room R has it
A dazed inn!
Nobody expects the Spanish Inn Physician
Everytime I knock on her door she won't let me Inn.
Suite home Alabama
because there was mo of it
... my mom was getting ready to take a shower and asked my dad to call reception and ask for a hair dryer. He discreetly took his cell, went into the other room and called our room. My mom answered the phone and in his best German accent said: "Zis is reception Herr Draier speaking."
I called the front desk, and told them, "I got a leak in my sink".
They told me "go ahead".
To this day, I still can't taco 'bout it
The fire department did they’re best to deal with the fire at the bakery but were unable to save the employees because it was already too late. They were toast.
A warning to be careful about drink driving as we are getting close to Christmas and the police are out there checking on people. Tonight, I was at a friend's house for a few drinks. One thing lead to another and I had a few too many Jack Daniels and then went onto the Bailey's. Not a good idea. Knowing I was over the limit, I decided to leave my car at my friend's house, and took the bus home. Sure enough, I passed a police checkpoint at the top of the road where they were pulling over cars and performing breathalyser tests. Because I was on the bus, they just waved it past. I arrived home safely and without incident, which was a real surprise as I've never driven a bus before and I’m not even sure where I got it from...
We named him Carson.
I'm driving across the country with my SO and we're stopped at a motel right now.
It has a small indoor swimming pool so I put on my boardshorts, went for a quick swim, and hung them up to dry in the shower overnight. This morning my SO saw them:
>"They dry really quickly," she said.
>"Yup, that's what boardshorts are for," I said.
>"They don't have a lot to do?"
It took me a minute. She got me good.
It's too spoon.
I just couldn't get a vibe for the place. On top of that, the lighting in the library area was terrible.
Hard to read inn.
that was an ice-olated incident.
http://i.imgur.com/M0R9tHo.jpg
It was the Best Western I’ve ever seen.
A turban legend
The police are now charging me for a 'Heat and Run' incident.
…is called Two's day? That's the only day of the week for which that works.
So, this just happened last night. My son (11 years old, and a true lover of dad jokes) is not presently speaking to me.
After i just finished cutting an avocado in two... Me: Shall we "halve" some avocado with dinner tonight? Huh? Huh? (Dramatically pointing to the cut produce in Vanna White style.) Son: (Unimpressed). I might take a little. Me: You might? I say you "halve two!" (Again gesturing dramatically to the two halves.) Son: groan That was TERRIBLE... But you score extra points for a double pun. Me: Av-a-cad-o million more where those came from. Mic Drop
After the incident in Boston, they don’t want to lose their T’s again.
Therapist: you are?
Me: [Screams]
Therapist: I see
Turns out it was an isolated incident.
One time I took a bunch of them with me to Abu Dhabi and while most of them were fine one behaved very weirdly, splitting and separating like it was in the humid air of the tropics. Very strange. I even wrote a letter about it to a listings magazine, which began:
"What's On, I commend to your attention the curious incident of the POG in the dry clime."
So we are all standing around eating dessert and my girlfriend is explaining to my dad how she burnt the cookies. I attempt to quell her stresses by telling her "don't worry, me and my dad are crisponians and have a deeper taste for crisp". My father responds with "I may be a crisponian but this might be crisponite". Everyone in the room was laughing except for my 13 year old sister, it was priceless.
This is the same guy that, on a road trip (shortly after the wendy's "finger in chili incident"), was trying to persuade us to visit the establishment whilst passing by. When i said i didn't want to he said "What's the matter don't you like finger food?". He followed up with "Wendy's: We put a little bit of ourselves into everything we make.". And finally simultaneously made every passenger pee their pants when he raised a clenched fist and said "WENDY"S! WERE #1!!".
Because since the incident in Boston, they've learned to hide their t.
"Trout Motel. Sounds fishy."
Mom joke?
Thankfully, it's just an isolated incident.
There was a man in Bulgaria who drove a train for a living.
He loved his job, driving a train had been his dream ever since he was a child.
He loved to make the train go as fast as possible.
Unfortunately, one day he was a little too reckless and caused a crash.
He made it out, but a single person died.
Well, needless to say, he went to court over this incident.
He was found guilty, and was sentenced to death by electrocution.
When the day of the execution came, he requested a single banana as his last meal.
After eating the banana, he was strapped into the electric chair.
The switch was flown, sparks flew and smoke filled the air- but nothing happened.
The man was perfectly fine.
Well, at the time, there was an old Bulgarian law that said a failed execution was a sign of divine intervention, so the man was allowed to go free.
And somehow, he managed to get his old job back driving the train.
Having not learned his lesson at all, he went right back to driving the train with reckless abandon.
Once again, he caused a train to crash, this time killing two people.
The trial went much the same as the first, resulting in a sentence of execution.
For his final meal, the man requested two bananas.
After eating the bananas, he was strapped into the electric chair.
The switch was thrown, sparks flew, smoke filled the room- and the man was once again unharmed.
Well, this of course meant that he was free to go.
And once again, he somehow manages to get his old job back.
To what should have been the surprise of no one, he crashed yet another train and killed three people.
And so he once again found himself being sentenced to death.
On the day of his execution, he requested his final meal- three bananas.
"You know what? No," said the executioner. "I've had it with you and your stupid bananas and walking out of here unharmed. I'm not giving you a thing to eat, we're strapping you in and doing this now."
Well, it was against protocol, but the man was strapped in to the electric chair without a last meal.
The switch was pulled, sparks flew, smoke filled the room- and the man was still unharmed.
The executioner was speechless.
The man looked at the executioner and said "Oh, the bananas had nothing to do with it. I'm just a bad conductor."
You tell the front desk “I got a leak in my sink” and they reply “go ahead”.
He loved his job. Driving a train had been his dream ever since he was a child. He loved to make the train go as fast as possible. Unfortunately, one day he was a little too reckless and caused a crash. He made it out, but a single person died. Well, needless to say, he went to court over this incident. He was found guilty, and was sentenced to death by electrocution. When the day of the execution came, he requested a single banana as his last meal. After eating the banana, he was strapped into the electric chair. The switch was flown, sparks flew, and smoke filled the air - but nothing happened. The man was perfectly fine.
Well, at the time, there was an old Bulgarian law that said a failed execution was a sign of divine intervention, so the man was allowed to go free. Somehow, he managed to get his old job back driving the train. Having not learned his lesson at all, he went right back to driving the train with reckless abandon. Once again, he caused a train to crash, this time killing two people. The trial went much the same as the first, resulting in a sentence of execution.
For his final meal, the man requested two bananas. After eating the bananas, he was strapped into the electric chair. The switch was thrown, sparks flew, smoke filled the room - and the man was once again unharmed. Well, this of course meant that he was free to go. And once again, he somehow managed to get his old job back.
To what should have been the surprise of no one, he crashed yet another train and killed three people. And so he once again found himself being sentenced to death. On the day of his execution, he requested his final meal: three bananas. "You know what? No," said the executioner. "I've had it with you and your stupid bananas and walking out of here unharmed. I'm not giving you a thing to eat; we're strapping you in and doing this now."
Well, it was against protocol, but the man was strapped in to the electric chair without a last meal. The switch was pulled, sparks flew, smoke filled the room - and the man was still unharmed. The executioner was speechless. The man looked at the executioner and said, "Oh, the bananas had nothing to do with it. I'm just a bad conductor."
