A Woman and a Man Puns

So, she walks over and takes a seat next to him on the bench, turns to him and says, "Sorry to bother you. I know this may be a little forward but I would love to grab coffee with you some time."

Flattered, the man responds, "Sure... but what makes you so certain you and I would get along so well?"

"Well..." the woman says. "A couple things, actually. I noticed you were wearing an Iron Maiden t-shirt. Iron Maiden are my favorite band of all time. When they went on their reunion tour in 1999, my parents took me to see them in Cleveland. I was 12 years old and it was the first concert I ever went to. I absolutely love Iron Maiden."

The man can't believe it.

"I saw them play Cleveland in '99! First concert I ever went to on my own. My best friend Jimmy Spitz and I told our parents we were sleeping at each others' houses, snuck out, took a bus into the city and saw them play at the Plain Dealer Pavillion!"

Naturally, they're both shocked.

"If that isn't weird enough..." says the woman. "I noticed you're reading Mark Twain. I was a communications major in university and I actually wrote my thesis on Mark Twain and how he used satire as a lens to comment on current events of the time, comparing him to satirical news sources of today. He's my favorite author."

Now the man is really taken aback, "Get out of here! I was an English major in university! I specialized in 19th century American literature and this is like my fourth or fifth time reading Tom Sawyer, I absolutely love Mark Twain."

They both can't believe it...this has got to be a match made in heaven.

"Ok..." the woman says. "Well, buckle up because here's the icing on the cake. I noticed you're eating a prune. Prunes are my absolute favorite fruit. When I was a kid, my grandfather lived on a farm. He had an orchard that mainly grew apples and some lemons, but he knew how much my sister and I loved prunes so he kept a couple of plum trees. Every year at the end of the summer, we'd go up and harvest the plums with him. He'd dry them and by the time we'd go back to his place for Thanksgiving he'd always have those prunes saved just for us. They're my favorite fruit! I love prunes, you're eating a prune, this has got to be fate. What do you say?"

The man puts down his fruit and responds,

"It's a date!"

Snowballs

Mud flaps

A man and a woman were on their first date.

“So, I hear you hunt deer,” the woman said.

The man looked away and turned red.

“What’s wrong?” asked the woman.

The man bashfully replied, “I’m not used to someone calling me ‘dear’ on the first date.”

And the wife says "if I died would you get remarried?" The man says " no don't ask that it's absurd". The wife asks for the next few days until she asks once more and he says "yes." The wife then says "would you sell the house?" The man says "no" she says "would you sell our bed?" The man replies " no no it's our bed" the wife says "would you give her my golf clubs? The man replies "no she's left handed"

Shake hands.

A man and a woman are sitting in a bar. After some time, the woman notices that the man has not looked in her direction once. Curious, she asks the man if he would like to buy her a drink.

Playing coy the man responds, "Ma'am, you are beautiful indeed, but are you talented as well?"

Feeling flirty, the woman takes a cherry from the bar and puts it in her mouth, stem and all. Within seconds she swallows the cherry, spits out the seed, and reveals the stem, tied in a perfect knot.

The man chuckles. Without another word he picks up a cherry and pulls off the stem. He puts the stem in his mouth, and pounds the rest of his beer in one gulp, revealing and empty mouth to the woman.

Perplexed, the woman asks, "Is that supposed to impress me?"

Confidently, the man replies, "Indeed I do believe it will."

She laughs and says, "It will? Are you shitting me?"

He responds, "I shit you knot."

Snowballs.

“No, go right ahead.” the woman replies.

The man stands, clears his throat, says “plethora”, and sits back down.

“Thanks”, the woman says, “that means a lot.”

• Would you like to donate to my charity. Said the bird when landing on a tree above their heads

• What is it called? asked the man.

The bird looked them straight in the eyes and cawed four times.

The man and woman were very confused until the bird said.

• It's four good caws.

The other couldn’t reach.

I think he might be a heroine dealer!!..

Man: What is your job?

Woman: I’m a doctor

Man: Guess I won’t be needing this *picks up apple and throws it across room*

the woman states "sir this is a library"

the blind man replies "oh sorry, ^(can i have a pepperoni pizza please) "

A liquor licence

...She says "I'm on my menstrual cycle".

He replies "Perfect! You can follow me on my mountain bike".

Snow-balls

There's a vas deferens

Snow balls.

"Mind if I say a word?"

"No, go right ahead," the woman replies.

The man stands, clears his throat, says, "Plethora", and sits back down.

"Thanks," the woman says, "that means a lot."

“Thanks,” said the woman, “that means a lot.”

Snowballs

Snowballs

Snowballs

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