Freddie Mercury, Venus Williams, and Bruno Mars walk into a bar
They didnβt planet that way.
π︎ 4k
π
︎ Jan 12 2023
C, E-flat, and G walk into a bar.
The bartender says, "Sorry, but we do not serve minors"
π︎ 4k
π
︎ Dec 28 2022
Three vampires walk into a bar. The first one says, βIβll have a pint of blood.β The second one says, βIβll have one, too.β The third one says, βIβll have a pint of plasma.β
The bartender asks βSo, two bloods and a blood lite?β
π︎ 91
π
︎ Mar 05 2023
I was on my early walk past the cemetery and I saw a guy squatting near a headstone.
I gave him a nod and said "Morning"... He replied "Nope... just taking a dump"!
π︎ 17
π
︎ Feb 23 2023
Two men walk into a bar.
You'd think the second one would have seen it....
π︎ 9
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︎ Mar 03 2023
My husband made this one up on our walk today... he's a dad so I think this fits both the spirit and the letter of the law (so to speak)...
What do you call a creature who goes away in winter and comes back in spring?
An annu-mal
π︎ 17
π
︎ Feb 25 2023
You walk into a pub and there's a line of people waiting to punch you
Yea that's the punch line
π︎ 8
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︎ Feb 28 2023
Well, I ordered a limo for me and my friends this weekend. The limo finally arrived and the driver began to walk away from it. I ask βwoah, hey, arenβt you supposed to be driving me?β And he was like βsorry, driver wasnβt covered in the priceβ
Welp, i spent 400 dollars on a limo and I have absolutely nothing to chauffeur it.
π︎ 13
π
︎ Mar 02 2023
A termite couple walk into a restaurant.
The order was "a table for 2 please!"...
π︎ 12
π
︎ Mar 04 2023
A rabbit and a priest walk into a bar
The priest says, "what are you doing here?"
And the rabbit replies, "I think I'm an autocorrect."
π︎ 10
π
︎ Feb 18 2023
Every damn morning when I walk out the door to work, a bike runs me over.
π︎ 268
π
︎ Dec 19 2022
Two dads walk into a bar...
the first one says, "Is this a dad joke?"
the second say, "This is a bar. And don't call me Joke."
π︎ 6
π
︎ Feb 27 2023
Past, Present, and Future all walk into a bar at the same time...
π︎ 508
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︎ Oct 10 2022
Two guys walk into a bar. "Hey donkey get the beers in" shouts one guy to the other.
The barman says to the guy "That's a bit mean, why does he call you donkey?" and the man replies "It's OK, he aw ... he aw ... he always calls me donkey"
π︎ 3k
π
︎ Oct 05 2022
A priest, a minister, and a Rabbi walk into a bar...
The bartender says, "Is this some kind of joke?"
π︎ 3
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︎ Feb 22 2023
3 noblemen walk into a bar, a Duke, an Earl, and a Barron
Oh wait, there were 4, I miss-Counted
π︎ 6
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︎ Feb 18 2023
Bacon & eggs walk into a bar
The bartender says βSorry, we donβt serve breakfast.β
π︎ 38
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︎ Dec 29 2022
My cousin invented a new way to breed dolphins that can walk. They are so fast that the only way he can outrun them is to amputate their legs below the knee.
I told him that really defeats the porpoise.
π︎ 10
π
︎ Jan 22 2023
Sixteen sodium atoms walk into a bar....
π︎ 2k
π
︎ Sep 02 2022
How does a red head walk ?
π︎ 15
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︎ Feb 01 2023
Itβs a five minute walk from my house to the bar, but a 30 minute walk back
The difference is staggering
π︎ 6
π
︎ Feb 05 2023
A priest, a minister and a rabbit walk into a bar. They sit down and order their drinks, the bartender asks "What are your blood types?" The priest says "A," the minister says, "AB+" and the rabbit says
"I think I might be a typo".
π︎ 2k
π
︎ Aug 26 2022
It's a 5 minutes walk from my house to the Pub, and a 35 minutes walk from the Pub back to my house.
The difference is staggering
π︎ 7
π
︎ Jan 11 2023
An Englishman, an Irishman, a Scotsman, a Frenchman, a German, an Italian, a Spaniard, a Pole, a Russian and a Dutchman walk into a club
βSorry lads, you canβt come in without a Thaiβ.
π︎ 12
π
︎ Jan 25 2023
3 Punjabis walk into a bar
"is this some kind of sikh joke?"
π︎ 12
π
︎ Jan 14 2023
Jeff, a semicolon, and an Oxford Comma walk into a bar.
They both have a great time.
π︎ 3k
π
︎ Jul 23 2022
A friend of mine told me he took his dog for a walk, threw a stick 3 miles and his dog still got it!
I thoughtβ¦ thatβs a bit far-fetched!
π︎ 53
π
︎ Dec 15 2022
Three idiots walk into a forest.
While in the forest they see a set of tracks on the ground.
The first guy thinks they're dear tracks.
The second guy disagrees and thinks they're sheep tracks
The third guy disagrees and thinks they're boar tracks. Then they get hit by a train.
π︎ 7
π
︎ Dec 24 2022
A T Rex and a Velociraptor walk into a bar and order drinks.
The bartender serves a Brontosaurus before them. The T Rex angrily asks the Velociraptor, βWhy did he get served first?β The Velociraptor says, βOh relax, he was herbivorous.β
π︎ 12
π
︎ Jan 04 2023
Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes.
That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
π︎ 461
π
︎ Sep 02 2022
Did you hear about the guy who took his cow for a walk across the vineyard?
He herd it through the grapevine!
π︎ 4
π
︎ Jan 11 2023
Two chemists walk into a bar.
The first one says, "I'll have some H2O."
The second says, "I'll have some water too. But why'd you order it like that? We aren't at work."
The firstο»Ώ chemist excuses himself and weeps in the bathroom. His assassination plot had failed.
π︎ 5k
π
︎ May 06 2022
Rudolph and his grandson are on a walk one evening when he sees a storm approaching. Rudolph says, we should head back before it starts pouring. How do you know itβs gonna rain? asks the grandson.
Rudolph the red knows raindear
π︎ 2
π
︎ Dec 14 2022
As a child I was forced to walk the plank.
We couldnβt afford a dog.
π︎ 82
π
︎ Oct 20 2022
Why donβt pirates take a shower before they walk the plank?
They just wash up on shore.
π︎ 28
π
︎ Dec 13 2022
Two guys walk into a bar
π︎ 20
π
︎ Jan 25 2023
A priest, an Imam and a rabbit walk into a bar
Then the rabbit says, "I think I'm a typo."
π︎ 2
π
︎ Mar 04 2023
A king and queen walk into a bar.
The bartender says, "Sorry, you're not 21".
π︎ 5k
π
︎ Sep 09 2022
Two guys walk into a bar
The third one ducks to avoid it
π︎ 2
π
︎ Feb 26 2023
Two guys walk into a bar...
π︎ 21
π
︎ Jan 03 2023
Two guys walk into a bar
π︎ 13
π
︎ Feb 10 2023
2 blondes walk into a bar
You think one of them would have noticed
π︎ 19
π
︎ Jan 24 2023
C, E-flat, and G walk into a bar
The bartender says βWe donβt server minorsβ, so E-flat leaves.
C and G open a fifth between them.
π︎ 10
π
︎ Jan 28 2023
Two men walk into a bar.
You think the second one wouldβve ducked.
π︎ 4
π
︎ Jan 23 2023
A Baptist minister, a priest, and a rabbit walk into a bar
The rabbit says βI think Iβm a typoβ
π︎ 15
π
︎ Jan 13 2023
Two termites walk into a bar.
One asks, "Is the bar tender here?"
π︎ 24
π
︎ Dec 26 2022
Two guys walk into a bar
π︎ 11
π
︎ Dec 11 2022
As a child I was forced to walk the plank.
we couldnβt afford a dog
π︎ 117
π
︎ Oct 03 2022
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