I replied, "Those are pretty strange guesses. But no, his name is Raymond."
I can only think of "The bone wanderer", but what I had was better than that and I cant remember it. please make suggestions, and maybe it'll be close enough to spark my memory
“Because he’s my newt.”
Phillip says, "A screwdriver"
The grasshopper says, "You have a drink named Frank?"
The grasshopper says “You have a drink called Steve?”
He responds with “because he’s My Newt”
“Sorry ma’am, these boots are made for Walken”
She immediately said, “Oh, I see. Duel personality.”
But today he ran over 5 Miles.
He said his friends call him Smalls.
He says to Patty, ‘Well, how are you?’
Patty goes ‘Grand, say, where ya from?’
John goes ‘I’m from Dublin,’
Patty says ‘Wow, I’m from Dublin too! I’m from near O’Connell Street!’
John goes ‘No way, I’m from near O’Connell Street too!’
‘That’s mad! When did you graduate?’
‘1970,’
‘What! That’s when I graduated! What school?’
‘St. Mary’s!’
‘I went to St. Mary’s too!’
The barkeep overhears this conversation and says ‘Ah jaysus, it’s gonna be a long night.’
The patron he’s serving goes ‘How come?’
Barkeep goes ‘The O’Malley twins are drunk again.’
I got penguin. A penguin walks into a bar and looks around. Says "sorry. I thought this was a formal event." Challenge me.
She said "aarrrgghh, scissor me timbers"
The man replies " It's A knicknack, patty whack, give the frog a loan, his old mans a rolling stone (also I meant Mick jagger my autocorrect sucks balls)
They walked him and pitched to the giraffe.
A grasshopper walks into a bar everyone goes quiet and watches as he finds a seat. Waiter comes over and is very nice...overly nice so the grasshopper asks him. What's with everyone in here? The waitress answered, your kinda famous here...we even have a drink named after you. The grasshopper looks at the waiter and replies..."you have a drink called Murry"?
Turkey says "blulululu awesome, bring me a Kevin!"
At first I was afraid, then I was petrified.
My son was playing “shop” and sold me what I thought was a “strawberry with legs”.
My wife corrected me and said “it’s a strawberry with LEAVES. What kind of strawberry has legs…?”
The response came instinctively; “One that leaves”
The eye roll from my wife was perfect.
This is a compilation from the internet, and a few I made or heard myself. Hope you laugh!
^((Elephant Jokes were a thing from the 1960s. You can read about them on Wikipedia.))
^((Each section should be read all at once, in order. Some sections also reference previous sections. ))
Mouse
Q: Why did the elephant run from the mouse?
A: Because it had a bazooka.
Q: Why did the mouse chase the elephant?
A: To steal the bazooka.
Toenails
Q: Why did the elephant paint its toenails red?
A: So it could hide in a cherry tree.
Q: Have you ever seen an elephant in a cherry tree?
A: Works, doesn't it?
Q: How can you tell if an elephant is hiding in a cherry tree?
A: Tickle the cherries and see if they laugh.
Q: What's the loudest sound in the jungle?
A: A giraffe eating cherries.
Q: How can you tell if there have been elephants in your fridge?
A: There are footprints in the custard.
Q: Why do elephants paint their toenails yellow?
A: That's not paint, it's custard.
Q: Why do elephants paint their toenails red, blue, green, orange, yellow, and brown?
A: So they can hide in a bag of M&Ms.
Q: How did the mouse break his back?
A: He tried to carry a bag of M&Ms home from the store.
Oak Trees
Q: How do you get an elephant on top of an oak tree?
A: Stand him on an acorn and wait fifty years.
Q: What if you don't want to wait fifty years?
A: Parachute him from an airplane.
Q: Why isn't it safe to climb oak trees between 1 and 2 in the afternoon?
A: Because that is when the elephants practice their parachute jumping.
Q: Why did the elephant fall out of the oak tree?
A: Because it was dead.
Q: Why did the second elephant fall out of the oak tree?
A: It was glued to the first one.
Q: Why did the third elephant fall out of the oak tree?
A: It thought it was a game.
Q: And why did the oak tree fall down?
A: It thought it was an elephant.
Q: Why is it dangerous to walk in the forest between 3 and 4 in the afternoon?
A: That's when the elephants fall out of the oak trees.
Q: What is a furry alligator?
A: A bear that crossed the woods at 3:30 in the afternoon.
Under the Bed
Q: How can you tell if there’s an elephant under your bed?
A: Your nose is touching the ceiling.
Q: How can you tell if there's an elephant in your bed?
A: He has a big 'E' on hi
... keep reading on reddit ➡Unexpectedly, he was normal size.
A joke, dad.
The monk told him but sir, you have no arms, how will you ring the bell?
The man said, " just lead me to the bell and I'll show you."
So they walked up the long stairwell that led to the top of the belfry. Once at the top, the man walked over to the bell to get a good look at it. He then proceeded back up against the furthest wall and leapt into a sprint, face first into the bell.
He plummeted 65 feet below to his death. Tragically, no sound came from the bell.
When the police arrived an hour later, they asked the monk if he knew the man.
The monk simply said, "No. His face doesn't ring a bell either."
But wait, there's more...
The next day another man with no arms showed up at the monastery and told the monk "Yesterday the man who died here was my brother. This was his lifelong dream. If it's ok with you, I'd like to try just once for him."
The monk certainly couldn't refuse and slowly led the man up the long stairwell.
Once at the top the man walked over to the bell. He kissed the spot where his brother's face hit the bell just a day before and walked back to the edge of the furthest wall.
The priest watched in horror as once again a man hurled himself face first towards the bell, but at the last minute the man tucked his chin, stopped at the last moment and slammed his head into the side of the bell.
The bell rang with the loudest clang the countryside had heard in years. In fact, it was so loud the man cried out in agonizing pain, lost his balance and fell to his death below.
Once again the police showed up, and once again asked the monk if he knew the man's name to which the monk replied, "no, but he's a dead ringer for his brother."
I'll show myself out.
Good night
"To be honest, it was off the top of my head."
A woman walks into a bar and takes a seat. The bartender asks what she wants to drink and her name, "Falacy" she responds despondently.
"What's got you down, Falacy?" he asks.
"I had a terrible day, my dog threw up all over my shoes this morning, got fired from my job and my car broke down on the way home. To make matters worse as I trudged over to this bar it started pouring it down with rain."
The bartender looks her up and down pitifully.
"That's pathetic, Falacy"
Someone noticed they all said Karl and asked “What are those?” And the communist responded with “They’re Karl Marx”
The man behind the counter sang "NOO Black Betty, ham or lamb"
Save them to your Phone and always have witty jokes at the palm of your hand.
3.14 percent of sailors are pi-rates.
5/4 of people admit they’re bad at fractions.
A bartender broke up with her boyfriend, but he kept asking her for another shot.
A brain walks into a bar and takes a seat. “I’d like some wings and a pint of beer, please,” it says. “Sorry, but I can’t serve you,” the bartender replies. “You’re out of your head.”
A cheeseburger walks into a bar. The bartender says, 'Sorry, we don't serve food here.'
A college education now costs $100,000, but it produces three very proud people: the student, his mama, and his pauper.
A couple of cups of yogurt walk into a country club. “We don’t serve your kind here,” the bartender says. “Why not?” one yogurt asks. “We’re cultured.”
A friend of mine didn’t pay his exorcist. He got repossessed.
A friend of mine is known for sweeping girls off their feet. He’s an extremely aggressive janitor.
A guy walks into a bar, and there’s a horse serving drinks. The horse asks, “What are you staring at? Haven’t you ever seen a horse tending bar before?” The guy says, “It’s not that. I just never thought the parrot would sell the place.”
A guy walks into a bar...and he was disqualified from the limbo contest.
A pirate walks into a bar with a paper towel on his head. The bartender says, “What’s with the paper towel?” The pirate says, “Arrr! I’ve got a Bounty on me head!”
A turtle is crossing the road when he’s mugged by two snails. When the police ask him what happened, the shaken turtle replies, “I don’t know. It all happened so fast.”
Armed robbers—some say they’re a drain on society, but you’ve got to give it to them.
Barbers…you have to take your hat off to them.
Can February March? No, but April May!
Cooking out this weekend? Don’t forget the pickle. It’s kind of a big dill.
Dad, can you put my shoes on? No, I don't think they'll fit me.
Dad, can you put the cat out? I didn't know it was on fire.
Dad, did you get a haircut? No, I got them all cut!
Dad: Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? Son: No. What happened? Dad: The teacher woke him up.
Daughter: I have a lot of friends named Nathan. There’s Nathan Miller, Nathan Radcliff, Nathan Lewis… Me: When they are together, do you call them the United Nathans?
Dear Math, grow up and solve your own problems.
Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head!
Did you hear about the aquatic sea mammals that escape
... keep reading on reddit ➡“Really?” replies the grasshopper. “There’s a drink named Stan?”
The grasshopper replies “what you have a drink named Steve?”
“Really?” replies the grasshopper. “There’s a drink named Stan?”
But today he ran over 5 miles
But today I ran over "5 miles".
But today he ran over 5 Miles
Today he ran over 5 miles
“You have a drink named Steve?!”
The grasshopper looks at the bartender, with a look of extreme confusion on his face, and says, "You have a drink called Steve?"
Grasshopper says "What? Eric?"
The screwdriver replies “what? Kevin?”
