Dad: Do me a favour and pass up the hammerfor
Kid: What's a hammerfor?
Dad: Hammering, you fool.
π︎ 20
π
︎ Sep 01 2020
What should you do if you're walking downtown and you happen to pass a Fireman?
π︎ 6
π
︎ Sep 02 2020
Do you now why dosen't a tomato pass through a traffic light?
π︎ 2
π
︎ Aug 26 2020
I asked my crush to pass me a chair
Cuz I was falling hard for him.
π︎ 3
π
︎ Jul 27 2020
Why can't you pass a bill in the stables?
π︎ 5
π
︎ Jun 23 2020
*Me every time we pass a cow pasture* βDid you know those are award winning cows?β
Theyβre out standing in their field
π︎ 7
π
︎ Jul 14 2020
My wife asked me to pass her lipstick but I accidentally passed her a glue stick...
She still isn't talking to me
π︎ 46
π
︎ Feb 14 2020
why couldn't the superhero pass a written test?
...he was always writing wrongs!
π︎ 17
π
︎ Apr 03 2020
This takes "Puff Puff Pass" to a whole new level! And that's my effort a t a weak pun...
π︎ 33
π
︎ Nov 22 2019
What happens when youβre behind lettuce in a race and then pass lettuce?
Youβre aHEAD of lettuce
π︎ 12
π
︎ Oct 07 2019
The hardware store was selling a 50 ft. rope for $2, but I decided to pass.
π︎ 24
π
︎ Sep 30 2019
Women really know how to hold grudges over the smallest things. My wife asked me to pass her the lip balm, and by mistake, I gave her a tube of Super Glue.
It's been a week now and she's still not talking to me.
π︎ 18
π
︎ Aug 25 2019
So I drove pass a nice cemetery with my kids, and I told them....
"You know, a lot of people would just die to get into there."
π︎ 7
π
︎ Sep 07 2019
What is a hydrogen atom's favourite pass time...?
π︎ 6
π
︎ Feb 08 2019
Two guys were out walking their dogs on a hot day, when they pass by a pub.
The first guy says βLetβs go in there for a pint.β Second guy, says, βThey wonβt let us in with our dogs.β First guy: βSure they will, just follow my lead.β
π︎ 3
π
︎ Aug 14 2019
Two windmills are standing in a field. Wanting to pass the time in conversation one turns to the other and asks "What kind of music do you like?"
The second turns and says: "I am a big metal fan."
π︎ 76
π
︎ Feb 11 2019
A high school student struggles to pass his tests but decides, one day, to pull himself together.
After weeks of hard work and dedication, his grades start picking up.
A month passes and the semester is finally over.
He approaches his father and shows him his grades.
The father looks dramatically into his son's eyes and says:
"long time no C".
π︎ 4
π
︎ Jul 04 2019
Driving with my son and we pass a farm. I point out the flock of cows. He turns to me and says "Dad it's a herd of cows"
Heard of cows, of course I heard of cows. I just pointed out a flock of them.
π︎ 15
π
︎ Feb 05 2019
When youβre depressed but you canβt pass up a pun opportunity.
π︎ 16
π
︎ Jan 31 2018
A man tried to pass through a brick wall
...but one does not simply walk into mortar
π︎ 21
π
︎ Dec 20 2018
Father and son are driving in car when they pass over a set of railroad tracks.
Look son, a train has gone by here recently.
Son,How can you possibly know that dad?
Dad... Look there...you can see it's tracks.
π︎ 46
π
︎ Jul 05 2018
Boss: Would you be able to pass a urine test?
Me: No problem. Distance or accuracy?
π︎ 9
π
︎ Sep 05 2018
I just saw someone pass by a penny on the ground without picking it up
It just didn't make any cents!
π︎ 44
π
︎ May 03 2017
My little niece got a pony for Christmas. She told me to look at its tongue βcause βit looked weirdβ. Told her Iβd have to pass.
I didnβt want to look a gift horse in the mouth.
π︎ 7
π
︎ Sep 06 2018
Couldn't pass up the opportunity for a pun at work tonight.
I'm a manager at a hotel and I got stuck covering the desk for an employee tonight. A 50ish-year-old couple came in with their teenage son and said, "reservation for Knight..."
"Yeah, here we go...A room with 2 queen beds for one night..." I replied, "well...for three knights, I guess..." and I gestured toward them.
The teenager immediately rolled his eyes, the dad BUSTED out laughing and the mom chuckled and said, "normally, he makes those jokes!"
The husband then says, "Yeah I had one all ready to go!"
I was proud that I beat them to the punch. It was a good day.
π︎ 68
π
︎ Mar 26 2017
Whenever we pass a cemetery..
Hey look! People are dying to get in there!
π︎ 6
π
︎ Jan 26 2018
Every time I pass a cemetery I point to it and say...
... people are just dying to get in there.
I can't wait to have kids to see if they have their mother's groan.
π︎ 46
π
︎ Nov 26 2016
My son always asks why I frown when we pass by a cemetery.
I tell him that it is because it's a grave site.
π︎ 3
π
︎ Jan 29 2018
Help, I am stuck on the a train with my SO. I need some dad jokes to pass the time!
π︎ 13
π
︎ Oct 01 2016
Most air lines give you a boarding pass...
Except Jamaican airlines, they give you a boarding puff-puff-pass.
π︎ 3
π
︎ Jun 25 2017
The Anaheim hockey team should have a giveaway night where they pass out pucks with their logo on them.
π︎ 3
π
︎ Aug 09 2017
Not normally a dad-joker, but this was too good to pass up..
Scene: kitchen, mother buttering scones as I converse with her. One breaks apart.
Me: "it's all scone wrong!"
Cue groans
π︎ 12
π
︎ Sep 26 2016
Every time we pass a railroad crossing...
"OH WOW THIS IS SPECTACULAR. A train must have been here recently, you can still see its tracks!!"
π︎ 338
π
︎ Aug 27 2013
Every time we pass a Taco Bell.....
"Hey it's the Mexican phone company."
π︎ 103
π
︎ Sep 03 2013
My girlfriend, her grandma, and i are all driving down the street when we pass a graveyard..
Grandma: You guys know how many people are dead in there?
Girlfriend: 100?
Grandma: All of them!
π︎ 3
π
︎ Jul 25 2017
Every time we would pass a bowling ally:
Dad: I hear the employees are going on strike.
π︎ 125
π
︎ Sep 17 2013
Driving through her town we pass a restaurant called "Better Burger"...
GF: "Oh! They have really good burgers!"
Me: "Well, they better."
π︎ 45
π
︎ Sep 13 2014
Couldn't pass up a dadjoke opportunity at my own birthday dinner
Out for dinner at a nice restaurant with wife and two teenage kids, we all order dessert, wife got blueberry creme brulee, I got baked alaska with rum flambe. Waitstaff knew it was my birthday so they put a candle on my baked alaska. Problem was, the rum flambe melted the candle. It was pretty funny, so wife took pics with her iPhone. As she was reviewing her pics, she dropped her phone in her creme brulee. I said, "I thought you ordered blueberry creme brulee, not Apple creme brulee..."
That was when I got the best birthday present: three hearty groans from the whole family.
π︎ 13
π
︎ Sep 24 2016
Everytime we pass a cemetery..
DAD: "Look, It's the DEAD-CENTER of town, let's go check it out."
ME: "No dad"
DAD: "Oh come on, Everyones just dying to get in."
ME: "Dad plz stop"
π︎ 25
π
︎ Dec 04 2013
Every time we pass a cemetery...
"why do they put fences around cemeteries?"
"cause people are just dying to get in!"
He tells this joke like its new every time we pass a cemetery, even if there's no fence around it.
π︎ 49
π
︎ Aug 30 2013
Every time someone new rides in a car with my dad and we pass a farm
Dad: "Uh oh, the cows are all lying down, you know what that means!"
Victim: "It's going to rain?"
Dad: "No...they're tired."
π︎ 16
π
︎ Oct 12 2013
Every time we pass a cemetery..
Dad: How many people do you think are dead in there?
Me or someone who hasn't heard it already: I don't know, 10,000?
Dad: All of them.
π︎ 19
π
︎ Jun 09 2014
I tried out a new poop joke but it didn't pass...
They said it was too corny.
π︎ 6
π
︎ Nov 10 2016
every time we pass a cemetary
"Hey you guys see that cemetary?"
Yeah dad.
"Well I hear its so good people are dying to get in!"
Every freaking time.
π︎ 9
π
︎ Feb 23 2015
To pass a law, the Queen must fart. Only then will it have
π︎ 17
π
︎ Oct 16 2012
Every time my grandpa and I pass by a cemetery...
Grandpa sees cemetery
Grandpa: Do you know why someone living in (random city's name) can't be buried here?
Me: I don't know, why?
Grandpa: Because they are living. chuckles to himself
I've heard it over 100 times and he always forgets I have heard it before.
π︎ 9
π
︎ Aug 08 2013
"Hey dad, can you pass me a napkin?"
Dad - Sure, do you want a clean one?
He loves this one. I don't.
π︎ 5
π
︎ Feb 25 2015
Every time we pass a semi on the highway carrying sod...
"Man, I wish I was that rich, that I could just send my lawn out to be mowed!"
π︎ 21
π
︎ Nov 09 2013
Whenever we pass a sign for the city of Livermore...
My dad looks at me and says, "I wonder what happened to Liverless!"
He does this kind of joke for everything though. Crossing the Dumbarton Bridge he'll say, "Damn, the Smartbarton Bridge is always faster!"
Or at the dinner table, if we were eating out of bowls...he would look at me and say "Hey check it out..." then he would slide his bowl back and forth and say "I'm having a bowl movement at the dinner table!"
I love him.
π︎ 20
π
︎ Jul 31 2013
Without fail whenever we pass a graveyard...
"Man, I hear people are just dying to get in there.."
π︎ 5
π
︎ Aug 16 2014
Every time we pass a cemetery...
My dad: "Did you know that this is a really popular cemetery?" Me: "I didn't know that, why is it popular?" Dad: "Because everyone's dying to get in it".
And yet I fall for it every single time...
π︎ 15
π
︎ Aug 18 2013
Whenever we pass a farm
My dad says "Wow, look at those hard-working cows. They're just outstanding in their field."
wahwahwah.
π︎ 16
π
︎ Aug 28 2013
Any time we pass a cemetery...
"That's the dead center of town!"
π︎ 7
π
︎ May 05 2014
Every time we pass a funeral on the highway....
My dad points at the hearse and says "I hear people are dying to ride in that car."
π︎ 8
π
︎ Nov 07 2013
Whenever we pass a circus tent or someone mentions the circus...
Dad: "Do you know why I love the circus so much?"
Me: "Yes. Yes I do."
Dad: "Because it's intense. Hahahaha!" (in tents)
π︎ 3
π
︎ Aug 05 2014
Dad pulled this one when we saw a BMW M5 pass by
-"Hey what car is that? I think it was an M5!"
-"Isn't that the British Secret Service?"
-"No, that's MI6."
-"No, you're not six, you're twenty!"
π︎ 4
π
︎ May 11 2014
I'm not a dad, but I use this one EVERY TIME we pass a cemetery on a road trip
>Did you guys know that that's a very famous cemetary?
>Do you know why? Because people are just dying to get in!
People get so annoyed by the end of the trip.
π︎ 9
π
︎ Aug 12 2013
As we pass a homeless man holding out a cup on the sidewalk.
Dad: Oh look, that nice man's handing out change for us.
π︎ 3
π
︎ Aug 28 2013
Every time we pass a cemetery
Dad: "How many people are dead in that cemetery?"
We begin guessing numbers..
Dad: (yelled loudly) "ALL OF EM!" followed by hysterical laughter
π︎ 2
π
︎ Aug 09 2013
The other day, my wife asked me to pass her lipstick but I accidentally passed her a glue stick.
She still isn't talking to me.
π︎ 36
π
︎ Oct 15 2019
The other day, my wife asked me to pass her lipstick but I accidentally passed her a glue stick
She still isn't talking to me.
π︎ 4
π
︎ Jul 12 2019
Last week my wife asked me to pass her lipstick. I accidentally passed her a glue stick. She still isnβt taking to me!
π︎ 24
π
︎ Feb 18 2019
The other day, my wife asked me to pass her lipstick but I accidentally passed her a glue stick.
She still isnβt talking to me
π︎ 18
π
︎ Jan 18 2019
The other day, my wife asked me to pass her lipstick. I accidentally passed her a glue stick...
She still isn't talking to me!
π︎ 2
π
︎ Mar 06 2019
Women really know how to hold a grudge over the simpelest things. My wife asked me to pass her the lip balm, and by mistake, I gave her a tube of Super Glue
It's been a week and she's still not talking to me
π︎ 3
π
︎ Nov 15 2018
My Gramps every time we pass a cemetery...
(Pointing) That place is so popular, people are dying to get in.
π︎ 45
π
︎ Dec 07 2013
Literally every time we pass a cemetery...
"People are dying to get in there!"
π︎ 17
π
︎ Dec 27 2013
Every time we pass a cemetery
My dad would say:
Dad: "Why did they put a fence around the cemetery?"
Me: I don't know, why?
Dad: "Because people were dying to get in!"
hardy har har, Dad.
π︎ 2
π
︎ Oct 22 2013
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