A Note To You Puns

He was very Thoreau.

His response was, "No, I'm German, but how did you know my name was Walter?"

My roommate has started bringing his girlfriend over, and I want to start a fun thing where I have a new pun planned for each time she's around. So far my ideas include telling them to watch their step because there's a leak (leek) on the floor, taping a spice to me so thyme can be on my side, giving them a nice note (probably a lymeric) attached to a leaf so they can have some encourage-mint, and organizing peas on the table in the shape of earth's map to try to create world peas.

I'm open to any ideas, anything you can think of is greatly appreciated.

My roommate joe walked in and fell onto the glass table. He was injured pretty bad so I postponed the proposal and took joe to the hospital since he had glass in his eye. He had to wear a cotton patch over the injured eye and after that I took him back home.

( a note about joe is that I barely know him since he only moved in with me a week ago and don’t know who any of his friends or family are)

Anyway after we returned home my girlfriend came over and we decided to watch shrek 2 cuz why not. She asked how joe was and I told her about what happened at the hospital. She left the house around 11 and I fell asleep.

The next few days I heard nothing from joe or my girlfriend until I found a note that was wrote from her saying she’s sorry and she has run away with joe.

I was devastated and thought to myself

“Where did you come from, where did you go. Where did you come from cotton eye joe?”

To show support, I left a note saying “you can do do this”

A monk was tending a garden when he noticed a dove and a raven squabbling in a tree. He turned to the birds and asked them, “What is the sound of one hand clapping?”

Immediately the dove quited down and contemplated the question, ignoring the continued harassment of the raven.

Emboldened, the monk turned to the raven and told it, “Out of nowhere, the mind comes forth.” The raven notes this wisdom and was peaceful, but the dove did not hear his words and again rose a great ruckus.

The monk smiled ruefully. “Truly it may be said that you cannot still two birds with one kōan.”

A Greek and an Irishman were sitting in a Starbucks one day comparing their two cultures.

Over a double latte, the Greek mentions "We built the Parthenon, you may recall, along with the Temple of Apollo."

"Aye, and it was the Irish that discovered the Summer and Winter Solstices."

"But it was the Greeks who gave birth to advanced mathematics."

"Granted, but it was the Irish who built the first timepieces."

Knowing that he's about to deliver the coup de grace, the son of Athens points out with a note of finality: "Keep in mind that it was the ancient Greeks who invented the notion of sex as a pleasurable activity!"

"Aye! True enough, but it was the Irish who got women involved."

I’m currently at a medical conference manning a vendor booth. A bunch of reps from the USNavy medical branch came by the booth to chat. Whenever someone visits, we have an iPhone-based QR reader that registers visitors in a database so we can take notes. I was zapping their QR codes when one of the majors says, hey, are you Norwegian? I knew exactly where he was going, and responded by saying yes…I’m Scandinavian. At which point we hi fived in appreciation.

It’s the little things…

A guy walks into a bar with his resume to interview for a job opening. "It says here on your resume that you used to be in the theater," the bar owner notes. "What made you leave?" "Well, the movie ended, so ...." the guy replies.

"I don't want your cookies" I mumbled.

She was puzzled for a moment, then smiled and said "This is just a basic cookie"

I said "OK, I accept"

After the coffee, when I was about to leave, she shouted "We will be remembering you"

// Note: Only programmers may understand the joke

I once knew a man from Greece. Every day he had breakfast in my father's café. And every day he signed the bill: "σε μένα". Whenever we asked what it meant he just shook his head, laughed, and walked out.

After a few years we became good friends, and he invited me to his birthday meal at a fancy restaurant downtown. He wrote down the address and signed it again, "σε μένα", once again laughing on his way out. When I got there I met his family, including his daughter Helen. When it came time to pay the bill he signed it, as usual, "σε μένα"; as he did Helen looked down at his hands, and she let out a groan. I asked her what the problem was but she just shook her head and walked out. The next day the man told me his daughter had taken quite the fancy to me, and he wrote down her phone number. Once again he signed it, "σε μένα", laughing as he handed it to me.

Helen and I began dating and eventually married. And since he paid for the wedding her father saw to it that his motto was everywhere. It was written on the invitations, balloons, napkins, bunting, you name it. Even the cake had the words inscribed on its side, "σε μένα". I had never seen him so happy as he was on that day.

As a wedding present he left us the family home, and handed us the keys to it with a smile on his face as usual. Sure enough those two words were all over, "σε μένα": fridge magnets, post-it notes, plates, bowls, knives, forks, the front gate, the doormat, the postbox, the bird-bath, even the license plate on his old car. When Helen and I had our first son, he gifted us baby clothes with "σε μένα" written on them, still shaking his head and laughing.

On his deathbed, my father-in-law took my hand and thanked me for all I had done for him and his family. Framed on the wall next to him I saw it written again, "σε μένα".

And one last time I asked him what it meant.

And one last time, the man smiled, shrugged, and with his final breath he laughed and said,

"It's Greek to me."

This is less a joke more of an anecdote.

My wife was looking for a box to store cookie cutters for her cookie business she's trying to start.

My 3yr old picks up a small box maybe a picture frame came in. I've stepped on and tripped on all week. It's slightly mangled and says to my wife:

Here's a box, and she says that one won't work it's too small.

He says: no it'll work. Look at the lid, it even shuts.

Then she said no it's too small.

And he says: it is red and it has this piece of paper, and it will shut.

Then he brings it to her before she can interject and says: here try it, you'll like it...

And by damn she made those cookie cutters fit... But that really nice lid won't shut because it's too small.

Is there a lemon law with 3 year olds?

(Note my 3 year old really talks like that, our 4 year old didn't but this kid has been talking full sentences since he was 18 months old.)

I can't tell you how many times he trolls me better than the best Reddit troll. I'm so proud. Lol

An emperor decided his population was rising too fast and decided to decrease the numbest. Bunches of generous birth and death control methods did he come up with, but the most dastardly scheme was the Neat Edict. His subjects, however, bitterly called it The Press Test.

The emperor, you see, founded a law that anyone found wearing rumpled clothing, after being fined, would find a rock, then use his or her (or their) own forehead(s) as an iron...to press and press to reduce the crinkles in the clothes to half, then half of that, then half of that... As the victims wept, the soldiers jeered at the poor souls and mocked them: "Press! Press! They were halving a bawl.

To the despot's calculated glee, no one could pass The Press Test. As sure as waking up with a sniffle, everyone starts off with a crumple in the blouse and more get added as the day goes by. So there was no shortage of victims squirted into The Press Test arena.

First it was 12 creases legislated, then 5. It soon became Three and then One, before ending in none. By slowly reducing the number of creases permitted in clothing, the whole population was soon caught up in the Emperor's net. It was most unfair, but no matter how hard they pressed for freedom from The Press, the population steadily dwindled.

The approximately equally wicked emperor of the next fiefdom, taking sadistic note, invited his neighbour over to congratulate him. "How did you achieve that?", Vile asked Evil over a poisoned lunch.

Clutching at the tablecloth as he went down writhing, he nevertheless had a last grasp answer:

"By gradual decrees"

Some of these are border-line uncle jokes. I'm also an uncle. I keep all these jokes in my dadabase. Aka Google notes.

Some of these I got off of podcasts, the dad joke API, some from movies, but most are from this sub. Let me know if you want a source for a joke or if one of them was yours I'll give credit.

It's ok to be Frank with people. Or josh with them. But try not to Rob or Sue them.

What has 4 wheels and flies? A garbage truck

If the USA is so great then why did they make USB?

Tesla founder Elon Musk is originally from South Africa. Which is strange.
You think he'd be from mad-at-gas-car

How did Jesus keep his abs? Crossfit

What does a Jewish cowboy celebrate Yee-Hanukka

What did the stamp say to the letter Stick with me and you'll go places

I gave my wife a glue stick instead of lipstick She's still not talking to me

Time flies like an arrow, but fruit flies like a banana.

What word starts with E and ends with E, but only has one letter in it. Envelope ✉

Why do people on Athens hate getting up early Because dawn is tough on Grease

What do you call a pile of cats? A meowtain A purramid

Why do fish like salt water? Pepper makes them sneeze

If april showers bring may flowers What do may flowers bring? PILGRIMS

Why do cemeteries have fences Because people are dying to get in

Did you know Bruce Lee had a Faster older brother? Sudden lee

Did you know he also had a Vegan brother? Broco lee

Pig black belt in karate Pork chop

How do you put an odd number of sugar cubes in 3 cups of coffee If you have 20 sugar cubes? You have to use all the cubes.

You put 1 in the first cup, one in the second cup, and 18 in the last cup. Because 18 is an odd number of sugar cubes to put on a cup of coffee.

I was going to tell your a joke about Yoga But it's Not working out

What do you do if your wife starts smoking Use some lubricant

did you hear about the woman with 12 breasts? Sounds weird, dozen tit?

What did baby corn say to momma corn ( I got a boy scout selling popcorn to eyeroll me on this one) Where's popcorn

What type of pasta do they serve at a haunted house? Fettuccine Afradio

What do you call a werewolf streamer? Liken subscribe

Why don't Elton John songs have a copyright? You can tell everybody this is your song.

My mom swears up and down cows arent real I was in udder disbelief

Skeleton goes into a bar, he orders a beer and a mop

Why does it take a pirate so long to learn the alphabet Because th

The year is 2100, there is a fisherman who just finished dinner and he asks his grandson to go 'get the old bay' so his grandson goes into the pantry and gets the old bay seasoning

The old fisherman says

"boy! that's not the old bay! go and get the old bay!" so the grandson goes back into the pantry, and he looks everywhere, but he can't find anything marked "old bay"

So he goes back to the old fisherman and says, defeated

"I can't find the old bay"

The fisherman groans

and walks outside

a few minutes pass by

and then the old fisherman comes back inside with his wife

and says

"THAT'S not the old bay"

and then he points at his wife and says

"THIS is the 'Old Bae'"

note: I've told this joke at my job in two separate meetings. They are quite fond of "dad jokes" so I thought I would try to share it, and I gotta tell you. The silence was deafening both times. It's now evolving into an ironic joke we tell to make people cringe. So proud of it.

An engineer who was unemployed for a long time decided to open a medical clinic. He puts a sign outside the clinic: "A cure for your ailment guaranteed at $500; we'll pay you $1,000 if we fail."

A Doctor thinks this is a good opportunity to earn $1,000 and goes to his clinic.

Doctor: "I have lost my sense of taste."

Engineer: "Nurse, please bring the medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth."

Doctor: "This is Gasoline!"

Engineer: "Congratulations! You've got your taste back. That will be $500."

The Doctor gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days later to recover his money.

Doctor: "I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything."

Engineer: "Nurse, please bring the medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth."

Doctor: "But that is Gasoline!"

Engineer: "Congratulations! You've got your memory back. That will be $500."

The Doctor leaves angrily and comes back after several days, more determined than ever to make his money back.

Doctor: "My eyesight has become weak."

Engineer: "Well, I don't have any medicine for this. Take this $1,000," passing the doctor a $500 note.

Doctor: "But this is $500..."

Engineer: "Congratulations! You've got your vision back! That will be $500."

Not sure if this is allowed here. But I thought I’d give it a try.

I’m buying a stand mixer for my SO’s birthday. I was looking to add a note to the gift that’s punny. “I hope the treats you make with this are as sweet as you”. That ones terrible. I think?

But I would definitely love some help. Thank you.

A little bit of Background information:  When I was a young lad, my father was a professional glass cleaner.   Not just for a job, cleaning Glass was this man's passion!  He always wanted me to take over for him when I grew up, but I always thought it would be a pain, it was a silly job, really.   However, I knew that my father would be shattered if I didn't put an honest effort into the cleaning business.    The first time I perfectly cleaned a mirror, I realized I could really see myself doing this!   My father was wiping away tears of pride when I began to become as passionate as he was.

Anyways, fast forward to a couple months ago.   I have taken over my father's cleaning company, and was working a job at a publishing agency.  Now, due to the pandemic, this building had set up different entry points depending on the purpose of your visit, and each one was gated and stationed by an employee so you could have your temperature taken and go through a checklist to ensure you don't have any symptoms, etc.

After finishing the contract at this building, the owner was so impressed with my work that he said he would like to recommend me for a permanent job with a friend of his.   At first, I was skeptical (I had taken over the family business, after all), but it was becoming difficult to find regular clients anymore, so I agreed.    He gave me a single sheet from a notepad, and told me to write down something about myself that sets me apart from others in my line of work, and I should make it a very impactful statement,  his friend was a very busy man and wouldn't look at more than notes like these.    I wasn't sure what to write on the spot, so he told me to think about it, and return the note when I come back to leave the bill for my work.

So I came back a few days later, went through the gate to drop off my bill and my note about how I am much better than any other glass cleaner out there.    Well, it turns out the friend of the publishing agency's owner was a hiring manager for a well-known computer company, and my note really caught his eye, and I was offered the job!   Now I make more money every two weeks than I had with a month!   At first, I though my father would be upset by me leaving the family business behind, but he told me "As long as you are happy where you are, with what you are doing, then you are succeeding in life.  You are no longer a student of glass cleaning, you are my equal, and I am proud of you"  I never realized how freeing it

It's not well known that among the species of plants taken aboard Noah's Ark was a very odd berry. This berry had a special property where if you ate too few at once they would be sour, but if you ate too many at once they would be bitter. Even stranger was that the right number of berries to eat at once for perfect sweetness was different for each person.

Shem would never take enough berries and would complain every time "Ugh! These berries are so sour! Why did we bring these plants?" Noah would reply "I've told you over and over, you need to eat a couple more in a mouthful to make them sweet."

Ham would always take too many berries and would complain every time "Ick! These berries are so bitter! I'd like to toss the plants overboard." Noah would reply "I've told you over and over, you need to eat fewer in a mouthful to make them sweet."

Japeth would grab a random amount and whenever they were bitter or sour he'd complain "Why do these berries never taste the same? We should let the animals eat the plants so we don't have to eat the silly berries." Noah would reply "I've told you over and over, you should remember how many berries taste the best."

After a couple of weeks of this, Noah announced "I'm taking charge of portioning the berries. I've made notes of how many of them taste the best for me, my wife, all of you my sons, and your wives. At meals I'll give each of you the correct amount, and NO MORE COMPLAINTS!"

Another week passed and Japeth wanted some berries to take the edge off his hunger, but rather than wander all over the whole ark looking for his father he asked Emzara "Where's dad? I'd like some berries before lunch."

Emzara pointed to the storeroom and said "I thought you were tired of the berries? But there's Noah, counting for taste."

Edit: Winner:- https://www.reddit.com/r/puns/comments/knrrk1/rpuns_best_of_2020_nomination_thread/ghx6xyy

Welcome to /r/puns bestof 2020 nomination thread! A chance to win reddit premium.

Comment below the links of posts/comments that were exceptional.

• Post/comment must have been made in the year 2020.

• Anybody can nominate.

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Note: The person who nominates will also get award if the post they nominate is good. (Very likely you will get it :)

All the best!!

Trevor loved tractors. And I mean, really loved tractors. Forget any obsessions or high-level interests you may have, chances are they pale in the face of Trevor’s love for tractors.

Every day Trevor would get up, in his tractor-themed bedroom in his tractor-themed house, with its tractor-themed wallpaper and tractor-themed carpets, and he would make his bed with its tractor-themed duvet and tractor-themed sheets. He would go downstairs in his tractor-themed pajamas into his tractor-themed kitchen, with its tractor-themed tiles and cupboards, and he would eat his breakfast while perusing the latest tractor-themed magazine or annual.

Trevors’s degree in Agricultural Engineering hung on his living room wall, along with a copy of his thesis, which centred around (you guessed it) tractors. The living room was decorated with all sorts of tractor-related trinkets, including die-cast models, paintings and drawings.

The hedges in Trevor’s front garden were trimmed in the shape of tractors. His lawn was vividly decorated with tractor-driving garden gnomes, and his garden furniture was constructed from various parts from vintage tractor designs.

Trevor just had one thing missing from his otherwise tractor-centric life; he had never actually owned, nor driven, a real tractor.

Not for his lack of trying, of course. Trevor had been to many tractor shows over the years, and visited many farms with friends of his, but none of the tractors he had seen had ever been quite right. Trevor was so knowledgeable about tractors that every single one he had come across had possessed some hidden trait that he wasn’t keen on. His first experience of driving a real tractor had to be perfect.

One day, Trevor was flicking through one of his favourite publications, Powertrain Quarterly, when there was a knock at the door. Trevor answered, and it was his friend and fellow tractor enthusiast, Jeff.

Trevor welcomed Jeff in, and over tea and crumpets served on tractor-themed crockery, they discussed the merits of aluminium drawbars and front-end loaders. Eventually Trevor pressed Jeff to explain the reason for his visit.

“Well” said Jeff, “As I’m sure you know the convention comes to town later”.

The convention. Trevor had been thinking of little else the past three weeks. The neighbouring town annually threw a convention for farmers, particularly farmyard machinery. There would be combine harvesters, lawnmowers, and of course, tractors.

“Yes of course” replied Trevor

This was a problem on my step sons homework. No matter what, he couldn't seem to grasp it. So, I grabbed some post-it notes, turned it to a diamond and said "this is a diamond correct?" he says yes. I then turn the post-it notes a few degrees and say "this is a square correct?" And he instantly got what he had to do. I then threw out this, grade "A" knee slapper of a line "Diamonds are just crooked squares, you can't trust'em".

I think I'm gonna put on my jorts and tube socks now.

Over a double latte, the Greek mentions "We built the Parthenon, you may recall, along with the Temple of Apollo."

"Aye, and it was the Irish that discovered the Summer and Winter Solstices."

"But it was the Greeks who gave birth to advanced mathematics."

"Granted, but it was the Irish who built the first timepieces."

Knowing that he's about to deliver the coup de grace, the son of Athens points out with a note of finality: "Keep in mind that it was the ancient Greeks who invented the notion of sex as a pleasurable activity!"

"Aye! True enough, but it was the Irish who got women involved."