Never again.
With friends like that, who needs anemones?
Here's to a happy New year and hoping that we all see clearly in 2020!
My dad has trained me in the art of bad puns, and I have put that training to good use. I have four jokes in one post that are guaranteed to knock your socks off! (And maybe kill off a few brain cells)
Onto the jokes!
Lizards are never unprepared, they’ve been ready from the gecko!
How do aliens call each other? SpaceTime!
Student: Can I have a can of mutton? Teacher: I don’t know, can ewe?
What do musicians do when they get angry? Nothing, they keep their composer!
At that point it is fired and becomes an ex-Terminator.
Tell you what - never again!
I said, “That sounds expensive”
“A six pack isn’t expensive”
I texted my girlfriend that I was done with her Valentine's Day Present early. She responds, "Damn, You're ahead!" Without hesitation, I answer "I have a body too!"
I hate myself. I am my father.
The circumstances for this joke were so specific I don't think it will ever be repeated.
Yesterday morning I stopped by my parent's house and my mom had just made coffee. She buys "raw unfiltered honey" from a local farmers market to sweeten the coffee. First she handed my dad his cup, then she was about to put a spoonful of honey in mine when she stopped and said "there's something in this honey!"
I looked at it and it was literally a bee's hairy little leg. I looked in the jar and found one more. I said "its no big deal, im sure its fine", then I picked out the legs. Just then my dad takes a big sip and makes an "Ahhh" sound like he's satisfied. He then holds up the cup and smiles at us like he's in a 1950's Folgers commercial and says "This coffee is the BEE'S KNEES!"
It was epic.
Sweet! What a dill!
He'd give props to all the people that helped him along the way?
Last night my dad was showing me a gift he picked up for our annual white elephant gift exchange with the family at my grandparents house. It was a large wooden Reindeer, with Christmas light and decorations painted on it, and huge, baby-like eyes. This is how the conversation went. Dad: "I don't think it's too bad. It's kind of different, but not a bad present." Me: "It was a good gift, I don't think it's bad at all. It's enDEERing!" He smiles, gives me an overdramatic groan and eye-roll, and then high-fives me. I love my dad.
If you give a man a poisoned fish, you feed him for his lifetime.
And a lifetime ban from the zoo
Now I have a lifetime ban from Disney world
She sent me a contract or agreement by which one receives fixed payments on an investment for a lifetime or for a specified number of years
I’ve heard it’s a once in a lifetime experience
Feels like a lifetime ago
So I'm at a local garage sale, and I can't help myself, I have to look into the free bin.
there, staring back at me was a guitar without any strings on it... and of coarse the dad joke of a lifetime.
A sign that read "free guitar, no strings attached." :D
This actually happened, probably close to 20 years ago now. In my high school chemistry class, the teacher asked if anyone knew what nitrates were.
It was a once in a lifetime opportunity.
"I don't know," I replied, "but I bet they are better than day rates."
My wife said "it feels like forever since we've been home"...
To which I replied, "Yeah, it's been a lifetime".
Never again
Never again.
And a lifetime ban from the zoo
And a lifetime ban from the zoo
And a lifetime ban from the zoo.
...and a lifetime ban from the local zoo.
And a lifetime ban from the San Diego Zoo.
And a lifetime ban from the zoo!
And a lifetime ban from the zoo
And a lifetime ban at the San Diego Zoo.
Give a man a poisoned fish, and you’ll feed him for a lifetime!
And a lifetime ban from London Zoo.
And a lifetime ban from the Zoo
And a lifetime ban from the San Diego Zoo.
and a lifetime ban from the zoo
And a lifetime ban at the zoo
And a lifetime ban from the zoo.
and a lifetime ban from the zoo.
And a lifetime ban from the NYC zoo..
also a lifetime ban from the zoo.
And a lifetime ban from the zoo.
