I went on a once-in-a-lifetime vacation.

Never again.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Helix_128
πŸ“…︎ Oct 21 2020
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I was going to spend Friday night studying stinging polyps that spend major part of their lifetime attached to rocks at the bottom of the sea, but a couple pals wanted me to go bar hopping...

With friends like that, who needs anemones?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Apr 08 2020
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There's a lot of talk about zamboni driver David Ayres getting a once-in-a-lifetime win, but I don't think we've seen the last of him in the NHL. /r/hockey/comments/f8c0jh…
πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jchurch8073
πŸ“…︎ Feb 23 2020
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Once in a lifetime opportunity

Here's to a happy New year and hoping that we all see clearly in 2020!

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ“…︎ Dec 31 2019
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Rabbits would probably say that having kids is the hare-raising adventure of a lifetime
πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/OranguPanda
πŸ“…︎ Sep 02 2019
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We should all take a moment and thank our legs and feet for a lifetime of supporting us.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mhayes69123
πŸ“…︎ Apr 03 2019
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===Four in one! Deal of a lifetime!===

My dad has trained me in the art of bad puns, and I have put that training to good use. I have four jokes in one post that are guaranteed to knock your socks off! (And maybe kill off a few brain cells)

Onto the jokes!

Lizards are never unprepared, they’ve been ready from the gecko!

How do aliens call each other? SpaceTime!

Student: Can I have a can of mutton? Teacher: I don’t know, can ewe?

What do musicians do when they get angry? Nothing, they keep their composer!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Fro-Ro
πŸ“…︎ Aug 09 2019
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Did you know that in the last stages of a Terminator's lifetime it becomes so weak that it is only capable of killing small animals?

At that point it is fired and becomes an ex-Terminator.

πŸ‘︎ 139
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πŸ‘€︎ u/muriken_egel
πŸ“…︎ Apr 09 2018
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I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday.

Tell you what - never again!

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/space0watch
πŸ“…︎ Apr 20 2019
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My dad said my brother was going to give me a lifetime supply of condoms for Christmas...

I said, β€œThat sounds expensive”

β€œA six pack isn’t expensive”

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ImFunguys
πŸ“…︎ Dec 24 2018
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Once in a lifetime photo
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πŸ‘€︎ u/GusTheSquid
πŸ“…︎ Aug 21 2017
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Scarred from a lifetime of bad Dad jokes.

I texted my girlfriend that I was done with her Valentine's Day Present early. She responds, "Damn, You're ahead!" Without hesitation, I answer "I have a body too!"

I hate myself. I am my father.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/BirdManJr
πŸ“…︎ Jan 30 2014
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My dad was somehow prepared to drop this once in a lifetime line...

The circumstances for this joke were so specific I don't think it will ever be repeated.

Yesterday morning I stopped by my parent's house and my mom had just made coffee. She buys "raw unfiltered honey" from a local farmers market to sweeten the coffee. First she handed my dad his cup, then she was about to put a spoonful of honey in mine when she stopped and said "there's something in this honey!"

I looked at it and it was literally a bee's hairy little leg. I looked in the jar and found one more. I said "its no big deal, im sure its fine", then I picked out the legs. Just then my dad takes a big sip and makes an "Ahhh" sound like he's satisfied. He then holds up the cup and smiles at us like he's in a 1950's Folgers commercial and says "This coffee is the BEE'S KNEES!"

It was epic.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/robinson217
πŸ“…︎ Feb 26 2014
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I just bought a lifetime supply of pickles for $500

Sweet! What a dill!

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/radlee
πŸ“…︎ Oct 25 2017
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Do you think that if Carrot Top ever won a lifetime achievement award for comedy,

He'd give props to all the people that helped him along the way?

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mikeyfarrar
πŸ“…︎ Nov 12 2015
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After a lifetime of hilariously corny puns, and silly jokes, my dad has definitely rubbed off on me.

Last night my dad was showing me a gift he picked up for our annual white elephant gift exchange with the family at my grandparents house. It was a large wooden Reindeer, with Christmas light and decorations painted on it, and huge, baby-like eyes. This is how the conversation went. Dad: "I don't think it's too bad. It's kind of different, but not a bad present." Me: "It was a good gift, I don't think it's bad at all. It's enDEERing!" He smiles, gives me an overdramatic groan and eye-roll, and then high-fives me. I love my dad.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SourGrape_Snape
πŸ“…︎ Dec 20 2013
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If you give a man a fish, you feed him for the day.

If you give a man a poisoned fish, you feed him for his lifetime.

πŸ‘︎ 47
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BeaconOnAChairMC
πŸ“…︎ Nov 13 2020
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My Grandfather has the heart of a lion

And a lifetime ban from the zoo

πŸ‘︎ 10k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheGregGreg
πŸ“…︎ Apr 12 2020
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I once tried to kill a giant mouse with a baseball bat

Now I have a lifetime ban from Disney world

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mystic_Frost69
πŸ“…︎ Jun 13 2020
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What's suicide ?

A once in a lifetime experience

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πŸ‘€︎ u/DearGrocery
πŸ“…︎ Aug 13 2020
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I asked my hot lawyer wife for a new nudie

She sent me a contract or agreement by which one receives fixed payments on an investment for a lifetime or for a specified number of years

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πŸ‘€︎ u/hotsprings1234
πŸ“…︎ May 16 2020
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I’m thinking about trying cyanide

I’ve heard it’s a once in a lifetime experience

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πŸ“…︎ Feb 24 2020
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31 years ago I was born on this day

Feels like a lifetime ago

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πŸ‘€︎ u/pfcfillmore
πŸ“…︎ Mar 04 2020
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Dad joke at the garage sale

So I'm at a local garage sale, and I can't help myself, I have to look into the free bin.

there, staring back at me was a guitar without any strings on it... and of coarse the dad joke of a lifetime.

A sign that read "free guitar, no strings attached." :D

πŸ‘︎ 45
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πŸ‘€︎ u/capngloval
πŸ“…︎ Aug 06 2019
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The peak moment of high school

This actually happened, probably close to 20 years ago now. In my high school chemistry class, the teacher asked if anyone knew what nitrates were.

It was a once in a lifetime opportunity.

"I don't know," I replied, "but I bet they are better than day rates."

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SaryuSaryu
πŸ“…︎ Oct 14 2017
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On the way home from the hospital today with our newborn daughter

My wife said "it feels like forever since we've been home"...

To which I replied, "Yeah, it's been a lifetime".

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/maloach
πŸ“…︎ Apr 14 2019
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I went on a once in a lifetime vacation

Never again

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ“…︎ Jun 06 2020
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I went on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday.

Never again.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ“…︎ Oct 03 2018
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I have the eye of a tiger and the heart of a lion

And a lifetime ban from the zoo

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πŸ‘€︎ u/HellsJuggernaut
πŸ“…︎ Jul 22 2020
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My grandpa has the heart of a lion

And a lifetime ban from the zoo

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ThaCrimsonChinn
πŸ“…︎ Sep 02 2020
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My old grandad has the heart of a lion.

And a lifetime ban from the zoo.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Yankee9Niner
πŸ“…︎ Sep 11 2020
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My grandfather has the heart of a lion...

...and a lifetime ban from the local zoo.

πŸ‘︎ 25
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MacItaly
πŸ“…︎ Aug 17 2020
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I have the heart of a lion…

And a lifetime ban from the San Diego Zoo.

πŸ‘︎ 58
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πŸ‘€︎ u/professorf
πŸ“…︎ May 29 2020
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My son has the heart of a lion....

And a lifetime ban from the zoo!

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Aka_Pineapple
πŸ“…︎ Jul 27 2020
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My grandpa has the heart of a lion...

And a lifetime ban from the zoo

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MCVeteran69
πŸ“…︎ Jun 15 2020
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My brother has the heart of a lion.

And a lifetime ban at the San Diego Zoo.

πŸ‘︎ 116
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πŸ‘€︎ u/deaderson
πŸ“…︎ Jan 20 2020
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Give a man a fish, and you’ll feed him for a day ...

Give a man a poisoned fish, and you’ll feed him for a lifetime!

πŸ‘︎ 947
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Wi11Pow3r
πŸ“…︎ Jul 06 2019
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I have the heart of a lion.

And a lifetime ban from London Zoo.

πŸ‘︎ 162
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Merulius
πŸ“…︎ Dec 13 2019
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My grandpa had the heart of a lion

And a lifetime ban from the Zoo

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DeletedForSpamm
πŸ“…︎ Mar 27 2020
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I have the heart of a lion.

And a lifetime ban from the San Diego Zoo.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ“…︎ Nov 04 2019
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My dad has a heart of a lion

and a lifetime ban from the zoo

πŸ‘︎ 64
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DokTLF
πŸ“…︎ Jul 04 2019
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My grandfather has the heart of a lion...

And a lifetime ban at the zoo

πŸ‘︎ 3k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Wise_Guy_Plato
πŸ“…︎ Nov 21 2017
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My grandfather has the heart of a lion

And a lifetime ban from the zoo.

πŸ‘︎ 21
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πŸ‘€︎ u/labink
πŸ“…︎ Jul 15 2019
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My grampa has the heart of a lion

and a lifetime ban from the zoo.

πŸ‘︎ 42
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jbreitATX
πŸ“…︎ Nov 07 2018
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Yaknow, I have the heart of a lion!!

And a lifetime ban from the NYC zoo..

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/wildM4N04
πŸ“…︎ May 07 2019
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I told my wife I have the heart of a lion...

also a lifetime ban from the zoo.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Megaseth
πŸ“…︎ Jan 04 2019
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I have a heart of a lion.

And a lifetime ban from the zoo.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/meltedpickless
πŸ“…︎ Jul 14 2018
🚨︎ report

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