A list of puns related to "A Kind of Murder"
Axe
This is the story of Jack and the Beanstalk, after the story ends. After chopping down the beanstalk, Jack realizes that heโs actually pretty damn good with an axe, and casual vegetative vandalism really struck his fancy, so he began chopping down other trees for a living. He became a traveling woodsman, and he enjoyed many years of his simple life of manual labor.
One day, as he chops wood, he hears screams from a nearby cottage. Hurriedly breaking in (because recall: jack has no problem with entering houses uninvited), he sees a cross dressing lycanthrope attempting to devour a little girl dressed all in red and her little grandmother too. Wielding his trusty axe, Jack murdered yet another fantasy creature, and safely led Little Red all the way back home. Answering the door was a beautiful woman of around his age. After sending Little Red to bed, the two of them talked for hours.
One thing led to another, and a year later they were married with a child on the way. They had a beautiful little boy named Jack Junior who followed in his fatherโs steps to become a woodsman. This was fortunate, because as Junior grew up, Jack was feeling the pain of his previous adventures. An old back injury from jumping from the beanstalk was haunting him, and over time his posture grew more and more hunched. He had a tough time working, but at least Junior was becoming a strapping young man.
One day, Jack and Junior took the long road to the grandmothers place to bring her a meal, just like that fateful trio Red took so many years ago. When they arrived, the grandmother greeted them cheerily, welcoming them in and making conversation. โOh Junior,โ she said, โyouโve grown into such a handsome and strong young man. Itโs so kind of you to handle all the work so your poor father, with his bad back and all, doesnโt have to. Why donโt you have a girlfriend yet?โ Junior hesitated. โWell Grandma,โ he replied. โItโs because... Iโm gayโ. The close-minded, set-in-her-ways grandmaโs expression became stormy. She pulled poor hunched-over Jack into adjacent room, and whispered angrily: โJack, your life is a mess! Your posture is terrible and your son isnโt giving me any grandsons!โ Jack replied: โMa, weโre happy, you canโt just-โ But she interrupted. โNo excuses!โ She snapped. โYou need to straighten your lumbar, Jack!โ
She had come home with a bag of groceries and in it was a bunch of broccoli tied together with some yellow rubber tape. It kind of looked like a crime scene when she laid it on the counter. So I asked her, "Did you hear from the eyewitness that saw this broccoli murder?" She said No. So I say, "One guy saw two other broccoli gangsters roll up and shoot the guy. Then they both jumped in their car and the gangster told his driver to floret
So bad, but it got her good.
Last night went like this:
Daughter: What are we having for dinner?
Me: Food
Daughter: What kind of food?
Me: Good food
Daughter (getting visibly frustrated): What kind of good food?
Me: Good tasting food
Daughter: WHAT IS THE NAME OF THE FOOD WE ARE EATING?
Me: Oh, I don't know, I think it's Bob or something
At which point my wife breaks the chain and actually tells what the dish was called, likely saving me from murder by 7 year old.
So I would imagine he would probably be pretty proud of me sharing his "jokes" on here. Even though they were a persistent annoyance for me growing up, I almost feel like sharing them with the Reddit world kind of takes away some of the specialness. I can't claim any of these are original, but outside of my father, I've never heard anyone else use them.
#1. Whenever he has to pay for anything ANYWHERE, he says, "my name is Crime". The usual reaction is a blank stare. Then he says, "Crime doesn't pay".
#2. Anytime we go out to a restaurant and the waiter comes to hand us our check he says, "No thanks we can't stay for the drawing, you can contact us by phone if we win anything".
#3. The mother of all his "dad jokes", this one elicits the most laughter. Anytime he tells someone how he met my mom he says, "In college I used to be her tutor. I tutored her in anatomy by braille".
He'll on occasion drop others, but those are the ones I grew up with and that he still continues to use to this day. The crime joke. Every. Single. Day. I'm surprised my mother hasn't murdered him after all these years...
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