What kind of cologne does a murderer wear?

Axe

๐Ÿ‘︎ 5
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/TehSpockinator
๐Ÿ“…︎ Nov 18 2019
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
Jack and the Beanstalk meets Little Red Riding Hood

This is the story of Jack and the Beanstalk, after the story ends. After chopping down the beanstalk, Jack realizes that heโ€™s actually pretty damn good with an axe, and casual vegetative vandalism really struck his fancy, so he began chopping down other trees for a living. He became a traveling woodsman, and he enjoyed many years of his simple life of manual labor.

One day, as he chops wood, he hears screams from a nearby cottage. Hurriedly breaking in (because recall: jack has no problem with entering houses uninvited), he sees a cross dressing lycanthrope attempting to devour a little girl dressed all in red and her little grandmother too. Wielding his trusty axe, Jack murdered yet another fantasy creature, and safely led Little Red all the way back home. Answering the door was a beautiful woman of around his age. After sending Little Red to bed, the two of them talked for hours.

One thing led to another, and a year later they were married with a child on the way. They had a beautiful little boy named Jack Junior who followed in his fatherโ€™s steps to become a woodsman. This was fortunate, because as Junior grew up, Jack was feeling the pain of his previous adventures. An old back injury from jumping from the beanstalk was haunting him, and over time his posture grew more and more hunched. He had a tough time working, but at least Junior was becoming a strapping young man.

One day, Jack and Junior took the long road to the grandmothers place to bring her a meal, just like that fateful trio Red took so many years ago. When they arrived, the grandmother greeted them cheerily, welcoming them in and making conversation. โ€œOh Junior,โ€ she said, โ€œyouโ€™ve grown into such a handsome and strong young man. Itโ€™s so kind of you to handle all the work so your poor father, with his bad back and all, doesnโ€™t have to. Why donโ€™t you have a girlfriend yet?โ€ Junior hesitated. โ€œWell Grandma,โ€ he replied. โ€œItโ€™s because... Iโ€™m gayโ€. The close-minded, set-in-her-ways grandmaโ€™s expression became stormy. She pulled poor hunched-over Jack into adjacent room, and whispered angrily: โ€œJack, your life is a mess! Your posture is terrible and your son isnโ€™t giving me any grandsons!โ€ Jack replied: โ€œMa, weโ€™re happy, you canโ€™t just-โ€œ But she interrupted. โ€œNo excuses!โ€ She snapped. โ€œYou need to straighten your lumbar, Jack!โ€

๐Ÿ‘︎ 2
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/coyoteTale
๐Ÿ“…︎ Dec 14 2017
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
Was cooking dinner with the fiance the other night and sent her into a giggle fit

She had come home with a bag of groceries and in it was a bunch of broccoli tied together with some yellow rubber tape. It kind of looked like a crime scene when she laid it on the counter. So I asked her, "Did you hear from the eyewitness that saw this broccoli murder?" She said No. So I say, "One guy saw two other broccoli gangsters roll up and shoot the guy. Then they both jumped in their car and the gangster told his driver to floret

So bad, but it got her good.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 19
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/themanimal
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jun 16 2016
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
My daughter: What are we having for dinner?

Last night went like this:

Daughter: What are we having for dinner?

Me: Food

Daughter: What kind of food?

Me: Good food

Daughter (getting visibly frustrated): What kind of good food?

Me: Good tasting food

Daughter: WHAT IS THE NAME OF THE FOOD WE ARE EATING?

Me: Oh, I don't know, I think it's Bob or something

At which point my wife breaks the chain and actually tells what the dish was called, likely saving me from murder by 7 year old.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 9
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Dr_Nik
๐Ÿ“…︎ Apr 27 2016
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
My dad has three jokes in his repertoire that he always uses.

So I would imagine he would probably be pretty proud of me sharing his "jokes" on here. Even though they were a persistent annoyance for me growing up, I almost feel like sharing them with the Reddit world kind of takes away some of the specialness. I can't claim any of these are original, but outside of my father, I've never heard anyone else use them.

#1. Whenever he has to pay for anything ANYWHERE, he says, "my name is Crime". The usual reaction is a blank stare. Then he says, "Crime doesn't pay".

#2. Anytime we go out to a restaurant and the waiter comes to hand us our check he says, "No thanks we can't stay for the drawing, you can contact us by phone if we win anything".

#3. The mother of all his "dad jokes", this one elicits the most laughter. Anytime he tells someone how he met my mom he says, "In college I used to be her tutor. I tutored her in anatomy by braille".

He'll on occasion drop others, but those are the ones I grew up with and that he still continues to use to this day. The crime joke. Every. Single. Day. I'm surprised my mother hasn't murdered him after all these years...

๐Ÿ‘︎ 23
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/meadwill
๐Ÿ“…︎ Apr 24 2014
๐Ÿšจ︎ report

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.