I gave my daughter a watch for her birthday. She thought it was so cool and when she showed it to the next door neighbor, he asked, "That's a pretty watch you've got there! Does it tell you the time?"
She laughed and said, "No, this is an old-fashioned watch! You have to look at it!"
What does a clam do on his birthday?
I recently bought my only Daughter a locket with her picture inside, for her 18th birthday.
.. just so glad She's now finally independent.
Not one of my illegitimate kids sent me a birthday card....
What does a pirate say on his 80th birthday?
My wife bought me a new shirt for my birthday!
I got you a refrigerator for your birthday.
I can’t wait to see your face light up when you open it.
My lesbian neighbors gave me a really cool Rolex watch for my birthday!
I don’t think they understood me when I said, “I wanna watch.”
How does a jedi know what he is getting for his birthday?
I was very poor growing up. On my 10th birthday we bought half a cake with 5 candles.
We put it against a mirror.
What do you call a sale on birthday candles?
I'm currently having a competition with my son before his first birthday;
we're currently tied, but he's almost one.
My mum bought me a cheap dictionary for my birthday.
I couldn't find the words to thank her.
Such a short birthday
Told my family that today is one of the shortest birthdays of my life. Only half a minute long.
It’s my thirty second birthday
Bought my wife a castle shaped abacus for her birthday...
It’s the fort that counts
An Ophthalmologist receives a birthday present from his colleague Gynaecologist.
Ophthalmologist: - "Ahh, thank you so much! This is a crystal ball in the shape of an Eye. For your birthday I will...."
Gynaecologist: "Don't even think about it!"
Twin brothers just had a birthday
One turned twenty. The other turned twenty too.
(Trust me it works when you say it out loud)
Bought my wife a rocket for her birthday...
I was surprised that the only gift I got for my birthday was a bucket of Play-Doh.
I don’t know what to make of it.
For his birthday, a boy wants a pet spider.
His dad takes him to an exotic pet store, where they see a big, hairy spider. The father asks how much it costs. “That’s fifty dollars,” the clerk replies.
“Fifty bucks!” the dad exclaims. “Forget that, I’ll just find a cheap one off the web.”
I met a woman once at a party celebrating my father's 50th birthday.
We got to talking and I found out she worked as a stunt double on some pretty big name movie sets. She looked to be at least 10 years my senior but very fit and attractive and we both seemed to really be hitting it off.
Because all the immediate family in the local area had thrown a smaller, more private celebration for my father a few days prior, I didn't really feel a need to stick around any longer, so I asked the woman if she was interested in sharing some drinks with me at the nearby Hilton where I was staying. She happily accepted.
Suddenly, I turned towards the sound of my father's voice cheerfully calling out the name "Andra" (pronounced ON-druh) and my own as he approached. Andra, the woman I had been speaking with, turned towards him, glanced quickly back at me, then looked back again at my father and with a disconcerted look on her face exclaimed, "Oh brother!"
And that's when I realized the double, Aunt Andra.
For my birthday in mid-January, I invited a few friends over to a highly populated urban residential area consisting mostly of closely packed, decrepit housing units inhabited primarily by impoverished persons.
It's my first slum-brrrr party so wish us luck!
All I got for my birthday was a deck of sticky playing cards.
I’m having a hard time dealing with this.
My mom played the clarinet in high school. She mentioned she wanted to play again, but doesn't have the money to waste on it. I ordered one for her birthday and left her a subtle clue.
For my wife's birthday I bought her a beautiful fridge freezer....
I know it isn't much, but you should have seen her face light up when she opened it.
On this day last year me wife got me a stationary bike for my birthday.
Well it’s a regular bike but it hasn’t moved in 364 days.
A pirate wanted to celebrate his captain’s birthday, so he bought a large quantity of balloons while ashore. Back on the ship, he walked over to hand the balloons to the captain, but he tripped and most of them floated away. The captain said, “Arrr! That was a costly mistake...”
“We lost a lot of doubloons.”
I’m mad at my wife because I bought a stun gun for her birthday and she tested it out on me. Twice.
What a revolting response to a gift. I was stunned.
What-a-rack! Made these for my boyfriend's birthday. Hope you guys like them.
When Shaquille O’Neal gives you a birthday card, he always signs it with a reference to his favorite 80’s song.
A big zero birthday for my wife this year. I made her this card.
How do astronauts prepare for a birthday party
I’m trying to convince my wife that I want a Segway for my birthday.
But every time I bring it up, she changes the topic.
I wanted to get a poker game together for my birthday,
But with COVID I don’t think it’s in the cards.
A man asks a woman: "when is your birthday?". To which the girl replies: "March 1st"
Man : *immediately starts marching around the room and says "so can you tell me now?"
For my birthday, my wife got me a book about social media.
It was a sweet gesture, but I already reddit.
My son wanted a horse for his birthday
A few years ago, on my 18th birthday, I lost both of my kidneys...
but it’s all good, because now I have adult knees!
My wife’s 32 today but I’m only allowed to celebrate my wife’s birthday for half a minute
After all it is her thirty second birthday
My friend bought me a telekinetic abacus for my birthday.
It wasn't my favorite present, but it's the thought that counts.
I was really excited when my wife bought me a book for my birthday called “69 Mating Positions”.
Turns out it’s about Chess strategies.
I gave my daughter a watch for her birthday. She thought it was so cool and when she showed it to the next door neighbor, he asked, "That's a pretty watch you've got there! Does it tell you the time?"
She laughed and said, "No, this is an old-fashioned watch! You have to look at it!"
The only gift I got for my birthday was a deck of sticky playing cards.
I’m finding it hard to deal with this.
My mom bought me a cheap dictionary for my birthday.
I couldn't find the words to thank her.
I bought my Daughter a locket with her picture inside, for her 18th birthday..
.. just so glad She's now finally Independent.
I gave my daughter a watch for her birthday. She thought it was so cool and when she showed it to the next door neighbor, he asked, "That's a pretty watch you've got there! Does it tell you the time?"
She laughed and said, "No, this is an old-fashioned watch! You have to look at it!"
I have been hinting to my wife that I want a Segway for my birthday.
But every time I bring it up, she smoothly changes the topic.
Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.
