FIRST DATE: Her dad: "I want her home before midnight."

Me: "But you already own her home."

Dad: -turning to daughter- "If you don't sleep with him, I will."

Credit to u/psybermonkey15

πŸ‘︎ 27k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jomjimmerjome
πŸ“…︎ Sep 16 2020
🚨︎ report
Before the clock strikes midnight on december 31st be sure to lift your left leg

That way you will start off the new year on the right foot

πŸ‘︎ 197
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πŸ‘€︎ u/noodlesvonsoup
πŸ“…︎ Dec 29 2020
🚨︎ report
I took out my contact lenses at midnight.

Goodbye 20/20.

πŸ‘︎ 45
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πŸ‘€︎ u/OK_Compooper
πŸ“…︎ Jan 01 2021
🚨︎ report
Every dad going to bed after midnight:

Come on, honey. We haven't done it all year!

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DINC44
πŸ“…︎ Jan 01 2021
🚨︎ report
After midnight, hindsight really will be

2020

Happy new years!!!

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Ally_Cat69
πŸ“…︎ Jan 01 2021
🚨︎ report
Don't kiss after midnight, folks

It's not proper to kiss on a first date

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Dec 31 2020
🚨︎ report
What Happens If You Are Sitting on the Toilet at 11:59 and the Clock Strikes Midnight?

Same shit, different day.

πŸ‘︎ 54
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AstrosAtoZ
πŸ“…︎ Oct 07 2020
🚨︎ report
I woke up at midnight to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor staring at me from the foot of my bed...

First I was afraid, I was petrified.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jigsatics
πŸ“…︎ Nov 01 2020
🚨︎ report
At midnight it will officially be Ramones time.

2020, 24 hours to go...

πŸ‘︎ 189
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πŸ“…︎ Dec 30 2019
🚨︎ report
I have a joke about midnight.

But it’s probably too dark.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jlionbad
πŸ“…︎ May 11 2020
🚨︎ report
Her Dad: I want her home before midnight.

Me: But you already own her home.

Let the comments complete this story lol.

πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ‘€︎ u/red8user
πŸ“…︎ Dec 27 2019
🚨︎ report
Facebook, Twitter, and YouTube are shutting down tonight at Midnight PMT due to COVID-19 pandemic

A very proactive step to reduce the likelihood of anything else going viral.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Kuriakon
πŸ“…︎ Mar 15 2020
🚨︎ report
If I get a message on my phone after midnight I always assume it's about disposable gloves

because it's a late-text (latex)

πŸ‘︎ 13
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Dec 14 2019
🚨︎ report
Let's give it up for the folks fornicating at midnight

It's a great way to start the decade off with a bang.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PreviousHistory
πŸ“…︎ Jan 01 2020
🚨︎ report
Why will my dad take his glasses off as soon as the clock strikes midnight this New Year?

So he can say he now has 2020 vision.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Roivas14
πŸ“…︎ Dec 04 2019
🚨︎ report
It’s Fathers Day in Finland! Does that mean I get to make unlimited dadjokes until midnight?

...when it’s officially Finnished?

πŸ‘︎ 16
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Nov 10 2019
🚨︎ report
Why don't you feed Russians after midnight?

They turn into kremlins.

πŸ‘︎ 34
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πŸ‘€︎ u/weggy2015
πŸ“…︎ Apr 05 2019
🚨︎ report
There was a drug dealer who had conditioned his men such that whenever the clock struck 12 at midnight, they would come to him for their daily stash.

And he was known as Pavlov Escobar.

πŸ‘︎ 24
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πŸ‘€︎ u/The_Jokster
πŸ“…︎ Feb 01 2019
🚨︎ report
What did the farmer say to the cow that refused to go to sleep at midnight?

It’s pasture bedtime!

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Hufc1908
πŸ“…︎ Jul 14 2019
🚨︎ report
Why couldn't the motorcycle stay up until midnight?

It was two-tyred

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/haymalb
πŸ“…︎ Dec 26 2018
🚨︎ report
Every year on New Year's Eve, when everyone's counting down the final 10 seconds to ring in the new year, I get up off the couch and stand up. I stand up and raise my left leg and just leave it raised for a little while until the countdown finishes and midnight strikes

that way I always start the new year off on the right foot

πŸ‘︎ 14
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Nov 30 2018
🚨︎ report
Why is midnight a cop's favorite time on the clock?

Because both hands are up.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/wmyspr
πŸ“…︎ Mar 11 2019
🚨︎ report
Did you hear the story about the guy getting mugged behind the bowling alley at midnight?

Yeah, it was dark.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Sep 19 2018
🚨︎ report
Why did the clock think it was midnight?

The police said β€œhands up”

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/KarateChop231
πŸ“…︎ Mar 11 2019
🚨︎ report
I had a scary dream where a horse was chasing me at midnight.

It was a night mare.

πŸ‘︎ 25
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PlatinumPoptart
πŸ“…︎ Oct 17 2017
🚨︎ report
My son told me this morning that he forgot to get me up at midnight....

I asked "Why?"
He replied: "because, I was supposed to β™« wake you up, when september ends β™«"

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bmooney28
πŸ“…︎ Oct 01 2018
🚨︎ report
What does a cowboy say during midnight?

β€œIt’s high moon”

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Fledbeast578
πŸ“…︎ Sep 16 2018
🚨︎ report
Got the wife while going to bed after midnight...

She was in bed before me and I yanked the covers off her when I got in bed. She threatened to cut me off for a month...

"I haven't gotten laid all year, what's one more month?"

πŸ‘︎ 57
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πŸ‘€︎ u/captainwoj
πŸ“…︎ Jan 01 2015
🚨︎ report
Make sure that your left leg is up before the clock hits midnight tomorrow.

That way you start 2021 on the right foot.

πŸ‘︎ 33
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DaddyRecon
πŸ“…︎ Dec 30 2020
🚨︎ report
Just before midnight tonight, I’ll lift up my left leg.

That way, I can start the new year on the right foot.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ajd011394
πŸ“…︎ Dec 31 2020
🚨︎ report
Before the clock strikes midnight on December 31st be sure to lift your left leg.

That way you will start the new year off on the right foot.

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/OwenJthomas89
πŸ“…︎ Dec 30 2020
🚨︎ report
I was sitting on the toilet at 11:59 p.m. and noticed the clock turn to midnight.

I thought, β€œSame shit. Different day.”

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Aug 04 2020
🚨︎ report
Make sure you raise your left leg at midnight tonight guys.

Let’s start the new year off on the right foot.

πŸ‘︎ 123
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πŸ‘€︎ u/chubfonduee
πŸ“…︎ Dec 31 2019
🚨︎ report
I was sitting on the toilet having a poop when the clock struck midnight

Same shit, different day

πŸ‘︎ 148
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πŸ‘€︎ u/FlashHash
πŸ“…︎ Sep 27 2019
🚨︎ report
Don't kiss after midnight

It's not proper to kiss on a first date!

πŸ‘︎ 99
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Dec 31 2019
🚨︎ report
I was sitting on the toilet at 11:59 and the clock struck midnight...

Same shit, different day

πŸ‘︎ 3k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/GerryAtrick1
πŸ“…︎ Aug 11 2018
🚨︎ report
Make sure to lift your left foot up at midnight tonight.

Start 2020 off on the right foot.

πŸ‘︎ 41
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/macbeezy_
πŸ“…︎ Dec 31 2019
🚨︎ report
I was sitting on the toilet at 11:59PM and the clock struck midnight

I thought, β€œsame shit, different day”.

πŸ‘︎ 651
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πŸ‘€︎ u/__Radish
πŸ“…︎ Sep 01 2018
🚨︎ report
I was sitting on the toilet and having a poop when the clock struck midnight.

Same shit, different day.

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/simplyGagi
πŸ“…︎ Sep 26 2019
🚨︎ report
If you are sitting on the toilet pooping starting at 11:59 and the clock strikes midnight...

It's the same crap, different day.

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Kerlandays
πŸ“…︎ Sep 26 2019
🚨︎ report
Last night, I was sitting on the toilet at 11:59 p.m. and the clock struck midnight.

I thought, β€œSame shit, different day.”

πŸ‘︎ 520
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ May 07 2018
🚨︎ report
Remember not to kiss after midnight, folks.

It's not proper to kiss on a first date.

πŸ‘︎ 461
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Dec 31 2017
🚨︎ report
Don't kiss after midnight, folks

It's not proper to kiss on a first date

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Dec 31 2018
🚨︎ report
I was sitting on the toilet at 11:59 pm and the clock struck midnight. I thought 'Same shit, different day.'
πŸ‘︎ 24
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/JohnathanWickers
πŸ“…︎ Aug 31 2018
🚨︎ report

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