40 years with Moses in a desert may sound boring…

40 years with Moses in a desert may sound boring…

>!but it was in tents!!<

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πŸ‘€︎ u/bibletalkshow
πŸ“…︎ Jun 28 2022
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My mechanic is 87 years old and he still works 40 hours a week.

Whenever he says "I'm ready to retire," his boss puts him right back to work on another car.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/logansworth
πŸ“…︎ Apr 03 2021
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After almost 40 years, I finally had my first date.

I prefer raisins.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Nebocsid
πŸ“…︎ Sep 28 2021
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I am a 40 years old with the body of a 20 years old.

Any idea on how to bury it?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/0theoneandonly0
πŸ“…︎ Aug 01 2019
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After 40 years, I met my long lost twin brother at a Gamblers Anonymous meeting last night...

What are the odds!!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Sep 28 2017
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MTV turns 40 this year.

Thanks for 14 years of music.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/cockneybastard
πŸ“…︎ Aug 29 2022
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Turning 40 this year as an English major, I have to ask what would a semi-colonoscopy be?

I guess it would be only up to the first knuckle.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/WJLindley
πŸ“…︎ Jan 15 2022
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I'm a 40 year old woman who delivers babies for a living and I just bought a brand new Corvette...

Everyone thinks I'm have a Midwife crisis.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/DrippyGoods
πŸ“…︎ May 20 2021
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How do you catch a unique rabbit.

Unique up on it.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Electric7889
πŸ“…︎ Oct 01 2022
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Steve and John are watching the football when Johns dog starts licking its nuts. Steve says "i wish I could do that"

To which John replies "probably best to pat him first or he might bite ya"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/YourOverLordisME
πŸ“…︎ Sep 13 2022
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What’s the difference between a nun going into church and a nun getting out of the bathtub?

One of them has hope in her soul

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πŸ‘€︎ u/HashielDammit
πŸ“…︎ Aug 30 2022
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Why did Moses avoid speaking to former president George W Bush as he walk passed?

The last time Moses spoke to a bush, he wandered the desert for 40 years..

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πŸ“…︎ Oct 15 2022
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My 40-year old pregnant wife was freaking out in deciding which woman she wanted to assist her with childbirth.

I said, "relax honey! You're just having a mid-wife crisis."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ May 07 2019
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Not all 40 year olds are creeps

Some are waffles

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πŸ“…︎ Mar 23 2019
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A 60 years old billionaire marries a hot 25 year old girl...

After honeymoon they throw a party celebrating their marriage...

After a few drinks, billionaire's friends want to know the secret of how he landed 25 yo hottie..

"It's simple" billionaire boasts... "I faked my age"

"Yes, but even for a 40/45 years old guy...she is sensational, what age btw did you tell you are?" A friend asks.

With a smile on his lips billionaire responds "85 years old"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ProfPacific
πŸ“…︎ Sep 24 2022
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Me: I need 500 2x4s. Lumber man: How long do you want those 2x4s?

Me: I'd say 40 years. I'm planning to build a house.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/59boomer59
πŸ“…︎ Sep 13 2022
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"I Lost My Job" Puns

My daughter and I have been trading these. Here is our current list - would love to hear more!

  1. I lost my job at the chess factory. I couldn’t work knights.
  2. I lost my job at the bank. A lady asked me to check her balance so I pushed her over.
  3. I lost my job at the keyboard factory. I wasn’t putting in enough shifts.
  4. I lost my job at the calendar factory. I took too many days off.
  5. I lost my job as a maze designed. I got lost in my work.
  6. I lost my job as an electrician. I was shocked!
  7. I lost my job as a psychic. I didn’t see it coming!
  8. I lost my job at the funeral home. Apparently, the options are β€œcremation” or β€œburial,” not β€œsmoking” or β€œnon-smoking.”
  9. I lost my job as an astronomer. I thought my work was looking up!
  10. I lost my job as a cyber criminal. I couldn’t hack it.
  11. I lost my job as a human cannonball. I got fired!
  12. I lost my job as a garbage collector. I had no training but I thought I would pick it up as I go.
  13. I lost my job as a math teacher, same job I’ve had since 2000. That’s 46 years down the drain!
  14. I lost my job in pool maintenance. It was too draining.
  15. I lost my job as a fisherman. I didn’t make enough net income.
  16. I lost my job as a baker. I really kneaded the dough!
  17. I lost my job as a historian. There was no future in it.
  18. I lost my job as a tour guide in Australia. I did not have the right koalafications.
  19. I lost my job at the upholstery repair shop. I may never recover.
  20. I lost my job as a massage therapist. I rubbed people the wrong way.
  21. I lost my job as a seamstress. And I tried sew hard.
  22. I lost my job as a musician. I just wasn’t noteworthy.
  23. I lost my job at the unemployment office. And I still need to go back there tomorrow.
  24. I lost my job feeding giraffes. I just wasn’t up to it.
  25. I lost my job as a water slide attendant. My career is going down the tubes.
  26. I lost my job at the paper shredding factory. It was a tearable job.
  27. I lost my job as a drummer. I’m sure there will be repercussions.
  28. I lost my job as a pole vaulter. I'll never get over it.
  29. I lost my job as a pet groomer. I couldn’t make heads or tails of it.
  30. I lost my job as a pastry tester. That job was a piece of cake.
  31. I lost my job as a mirror inspector. I could see myself doing that for a long time.
  32. I lost my job as a yoga instructor. I bent over backwards for them.
  33. I lost my job at Dunkin. It’s ok, I was fed up wit
... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/dleishman
πŸ“…︎ Dec 09 2021
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I just went to my parents' place and my mom was upside down...

I was like "wow"!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/d2181
πŸ“…︎ May 22 2022
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Son is catching up to me in age

This is more dad humor than a dad joke.

Cake day is coming up and so my son decided to give me a hard time about being old.

I responded that I may be old be he was catching up. He looked at me funny so I explained.

β€œWhen I was 24 you turned 1 year old. At that moment I was 24:1 or 24 times your age.

I am now 40 and you are 17 so 40:17 or 2.35 times your age. 24 is much larger than 2.35 so clearly you are catching up”

He responded, you can’t use ratios to compare two dates.

I said sure I can and made a graph:

https://imgur.com/gallery/5atlNhZ

I even included percentages to drive home the point.

He smacked his head and walked away.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Bustnbig
πŸ“…︎ Dec 08 2021
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Help me remember the punchline to an old joke

I heard this joke probably 35-40 years ago and just thought of it again recently. My dad loved this joke, but I can't remember the punchline.

An older couple had been married for many, many years. So many years in fact that she knew all his jokes my heart. They decided to save time by numbering all of his jokes. While sitting together in their rockers, he would lean over and whisper, "Number 7." She giggled while continuing her knitting. A few minutes later, he learned over again and whispered, "Number 12." This time, she laughed out loud.

Then something funny happens.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Corruich
πŸ“…︎ Feb 23 2022
🚨︎ report
Breaking News:

A 60 year old man was arrested on drug charges, and though he thought he’d get off light but the district attorney ended up slapping a bunch of other charges on top of what he had originally been charged with, which added to the fact that his lawyer was one of the worst in the state and probably incompetent, eventually led him to being handed a 40 year stint in a maximum security prison with no chance for parole, so he will probably die there.

Officials all agree that sentence was way too long.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/GrilledSpamSteaks
πŸ“…︎ Dec 31 2021
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Bert and Ernie had worked together as morning drivetime radio hosts for 20 years.

They'd traded jokes, played pop music, and generally made people's lives a touch brighter as they trundled to work.

Now, though, there was silence on the air. Ernie silently reread the fax message from the Department of Defense. As licensed broadcasters they were legally obligated to alert the public, to tell them the nukes were flying and that in a few minutes all the world's troubles would be over. What, though, was the point of that? To torture people with the knowledge of something they couldn't change?

Their eyes met and a decision was reached. Bert put on their most requested song, a sugary top 40 tune while Ernie produced a bottle of bourbon from under the desk. As their producer banged on the locked studio door the colleagues toasted the end of a long career.

Bert, always the consummate professional, turned away from the window as the first explosion split the distant horizon. He straightened his tie, tucked in his shirt, and brushed his hair back. He would meet his fiery death with dignity.

He turned to Ernie and said in a quiet, resigned voice, "How do I look, Ernie?"

Ernie walked slowly over to his friend. He looked into Bert's face and saw the closeness they shared, the strength of their relationship, forged over the years. He took a deep breath and spoke quietly:

"With your eyes, Bert."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/JoeFas
πŸ“…︎ Jun 13 2021
🚨︎ report
A buddy of mine has two Super Bowl tickets.

40 yard line box seats. He paid $2,500 each but he didn't realize last year when he bought them it was going to be on the same day as his wedding - probably because of the extra game this year. If you’re interested, he’s looking for someone to take his place...It's at Sacred Heart Catholic church in Los Angeles at 3pm. The bride's name is Nicole, she's 5'4", about 115 lbs, good cook too. She'll be in the white dress.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/PangolinsPosse
πŸ“…︎ Feb 12 2022
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I’m pretty mad with myself, I didn’t go to the gym today…

That makes 40 years in a row.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/CartoonBeardy
πŸ“…︎ Mar 23 2022
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Pamdemic, she's much worse than the flu!
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πŸ‘€︎ u/careske
πŸ“…︎ Nov 20 2020
🚨︎ report
So, Gandhi, right?

On average, this guy walked 11+ miles per day for 40 years. WITHOUT SHOES.

Dude fasted frequently, too, so he didn't get a lot of the nutrients that most people get on a daily basis and presumably had bad breath.

That being said, Gandhi was...

A SUPER CALLOUSED FRAGILE MYSTIC HEXED WITH HALITOSIS.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Hey_HoofHearted
πŸ“…︎ Aug 02 2020
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One long ass pun

There was this scientist that discovered a way to keep porpoises alive forever. Problem was that he had to feed them baby sea gulls Well the sea gull was a protect species so he had to be careful. Well one night he was bringing some back to the lab. It was very dark and he ran over a lion that was sleeping in the middle of the road A cop sees all this and you know what he arrested him for ? Carrying underaged gurls across a staid lion for immortal porpoises

This is not original. I read it in a book of puns 40 years ago. I do not know which one I would like to give it credit but it was 40 years ago

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πŸ“…︎ Aug 12 2019
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Not really a dad joke, but...

more like dad revelations. I was pulling up carpet and padding Sunday because we adopted two very rude Husky puppies last year that like to urinate in the house. As I was working, I was listening to Parliment Funkadelic on Pandora and I came to the realization that I was listening to P-Funk as I was dealing with pee funk.
Another thing that happened the same day was I took an opened bag of bird feed out of the closet to pull the carpet up and when I looked at it a bit later, I saw beetles all over the bag and crawling on the counter where I had set it. Probably 40 of the little suckers. I had to text my wife about that one. "Honey, I've got bad news. Our bag of bird feed has been infested with beetles. Yes, our bird feed has been infested with... more bird feed."
Anyway, just thought I would share. Carry on with the groaners.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SpartanMonkey
πŸ“…︎ Jul 29 2020
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Why did the pioneers use covered wagons to move out west?

They didn't want to wait 40 years for a train.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/inthe801
πŸ“…︎ Oct 20 2015
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What's the difference between 'unlawful' and 'illegal'?

One means it's against the law. The other is a sick bird.

-Told to me by my dad, about 40 years ago.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Billee_Boyee
πŸ“…︎ Apr 27 2017
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You're 40, she's 10

You’re 40, she’s 10 – A classic Β Abbott and CostelloΒ skit, where Β Bud AbbottΒ tries to play a prank on Β Lou Costello, only for Lou to use his clownish math skills.

Slicker Smith (Bud Abbott): You’re 40 years old and you’re in love with this little girl that’s 10 years old. You’re four times as old as that girl and you couldn’t marry her, could you?
Herbie Brown (Lou Costello): Not unless I come from the mountains.
Slicker Smith (Bud Abbott): All right- you’re 40 years-old, you’re four times as old as this girl, and you can’t marry her, so you wait five years. By that time the little girl’s 15 and you’re 45. You’re only three times as old as that little girl. So you wait 15 years and when the girl is 30, you’re at 60. You’re only twice as old as that little girl.
πŸ“·****Herbie Brown (Lou Costello): She’s catching up.
Slicker Smith (Bud Abbott): Yes, yes. Now here’s the question. How long do you have to wait until you and that little girl are the same age?
Herbie Brown (Lou Costello): Now what kinda question is that? That’s ridiculous!
Slicker Smith (Bud Abbott): Ridiculous or not, answer the question.
Herbie Brown (Lou Costello): If I wait for that girl she’ll pass me up. She’ll wind up older than I am.
Slicker Smith (Bud Abbott): What are you talking about?
Herbie Brown (Lou Costello): She’ll have to wait for me!
Slicker Smith (Bud Abbott): Why should she wait for you?
Herbie Brown (Lou Costello): …I was nice enough to wait for her!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/tfraymond
πŸ“…︎ Sep 04 2019
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I met a rather old gentleman sitting on the sidewalk crying. I asked what was the matter.

β€œI’m married to an incredible woman 40 years my junior who likes to make love three times a day. She is the best homemaker and conversationalist and she is independently wealthy. We have the greatest life”.

β€œThat sounds wonderful” I said β€œWhy are you crying?”

β€œI can’t remember where we live!” he wailed.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ChrisCGCToo
πŸ“…︎ Jul 23 2019
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Jeff has had only one dream ever in his life, to become a train conductor.

Jeff went to his local train station and begged for the job. He got a job, as a janitor. Every day he swept the train car floors. To make his job easier, he added certain style to his sweeping technique. He used a 3 level system for how powerful he wanted to sweep. He had a small sweep for small piles of dust. Medium sweeps for leftover chip bags and plactic bottles. And the Super Mega Large sweeps for when there were spider webs as big as the train.

Jeff was a master sweeper, so he got Promoted!.. To hobo kicking. Nowadays he comes to the train station early in the morning, finds the nearest hobo, and kicks him out. However, Jeff's legs hurt after several strong kicks, so he used his 3 level system in hobo kicking. He had a small kick for tiny, bite sized hobos. Medium kicks for your average sized hobo. And his Super Mega Powerful kick for 300 pound hobos.

Jeff was sooooo good at kicking hobos and he was Promoted!.. to coal shoveling. Jeff arrives 20 minutes before his train departure, loads up with the conductor, and shovels coal. likewise with his legs, Jeff's arms got tired after several large piles of shoveled coal, so he used his 3 level system to rest Jeff's weak arms. Jeff dumps small piles of coal in the incinerator to send the train at a slow pace. He dumps a Medium pile for a somewhat fast pace. But when the train station's 30 miles away and he's scheduled to arrive in 7 minutes, Jeff uses his Big Gargantuan Humongous shoveling strength to send the train at super sonic speed!

After all of Jeff's many years of working for this train station, they finally promote him to Train Conductor! Jeff shows up to work 30 minutes early on his first day, conducts the train for his first time ever, and crashes the train. He injures 30 and kills 13 more. Jeff is sentenced to Death.

The day of Jeff's execution, he's asked for his last meal. Jeff tells the guard that he wants a 13 foot stack of pancakes and a 40 ounce jug of green Kool-Aid. Jeff takes exactly 34 minutes to eat with it all. 26 Mintues later, Jeff is taken to the electric chair.

Jeff sits down in the electric chair, and is strapped in by a nearby guard. After all the safety precautions, they turn on the electric chair.

BZZZZZZ

Nothin happened. The guard is confused and Jeff is confused. The guard trys it again.

BZZZZZZ

Nothing. Jeff doesn't even move a muscle. The guard decides to let Jeff go since he can't kill him. Before Jeff leaves, the guard has one question.

Guard : "Excuse me um, J

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Saspa314
πŸ“…︎ Sep 11 2019
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Slightly offensive dadjoke at work

This one was about two years ago, but it was one of my favorite memories of work due to the reaction it got. There's a little bit of a setup/backstory for this.

I landed a job at the local Sam's Club before it opened, so I, along with the other associates, was to attend a credit training event at a very nice bank in town.

There were probably 30 or 40 in the class and most of us knew each other pretty well because we had spent the past few weeks 'blitzing,' or selling Sam's Club memberships at Walmarts in the area.

Anyway, the credit guy (his name fails me) was giving a powerpoint presentation on the ins and outs of the Sam's credit accounts. At one point, he said that for pre-approved members, a piece of paper called a 'chit' will print out. There were a few chuckles and he smiled and said "yeah, I know," and carried on.

Then I raised my hand.

He called on me, and I began: "So if a church with a business membership is pre-approved, who's responsible for applying? A church accountant or one of the clergy or something?"

"Yes, whoever owns the account itself."

"Would that be considered a 'holy chit?'"

The class erupted in laughter and one associate even left the room because she was laughing so hard. I saw one of the managers in class with us had his head buried in his arms laughing to the point of tears.

Probably my finest moment.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MetalJunkie101
πŸ“…︎ Apr 09 2015
🚨︎ report
My dad had a job at Dollar General a few years ago.

Shortly after he was hired, regular customers started to take notice of him.

Someone asked him, "are you new?"

My dad answered, "no, I'm about 40 years old."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Bonehead65
πŸ“…︎ May 08 2018
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Every time my dad tells this it gets just a little more elaborate. But this is how I remember it.

Paul has a shitty life, his wife constantly berates him, his job sucks, his boss is a bully, his car is a shitty 85 ford pinto with a cracked windshield and is in bad need of a new transmission and to top it all off he's chubby, balding, and he has a small penis.

The only thing good in Paul's life is his friend Artie. Artie isn't the brightest bulb in the world, but he's always been there for Paul in the tough times. On October 5, 1953 Artie stood up for Paul against his bully in 7th grade. Artie got his ass handed to him at that time, but so did Paul. That incident resulted in a life long friendship. Paul and Artie went to the same High School together. They traveled around Europe that one summer in college. Artie was Paul's best man at his wedding. Everyone thought speech Artie gave was terrible, But Paul loved it Artie was his best friend.

Artie's life wasn't much better either, he never had the smarts for that great Job. In fact he was stuck in a dead end job as a construction labourer. Artie's car was pretty shitty too. Artie never married, but he was happy in the knowledge that at least he didn't end up with Paul's shitty wife.

For Paul's 46th birthday Artie was pretty broke, so all he could get his friend was a single lottery ticket. Artie being the sentimental guy that he was picked the date of the start of their friendship, and their respective ages (46, 45). Paul loved the present, and thought that the two of them should go to the Legion that friday to split a round of beers and listen to them call out the numbers.

On Friday they are both sitting there at the Legion having a laugh over a couple of beers when the cute lottery girl comes on the t.v. to read out the numbers. Paul pulls out the ticket and spreads it out on the beer stained table in front of them. The lottery girl starts reading out the numbers, 45, 10, 05. Both of Paul and Artie's hearts start beating, thats 200$ already. 53, Holy crap thats like a 10, 000 ticket. They both start losing their shit. 46....... Paul feints. He just won the jackpot. 37million dollars.

Two minutes later Artie finally revives Paul. Paul and Artie celebrate the night away, buy round after round for the people at the Legion and get absolutely shittered. They close out the bar and as the ugly lights come on they stumble blitzed, singing, onto the street arm in arm with the winning lottery ticket in hand and start the long walk back to Paul's place.

Halfway home, Paul comes to two drunken

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/clearwind
πŸ“…︎ Feb 22 2014
🚨︎ report
jock bra

Not a direct joke, but I was glad to hear on the radio the other day that the inspiration behind the invention of the sports bra was a dad joke

http://www.npr.org/sections/health-shots/2017/09/29/554476966/40-years-of-athletic-support-happy-anniversary-to-the-sports-bra

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πŸ‘€︎ u/balltyler
πŸ“…︎ Oct 04 2017
🚨︎ report
Grandma dadjoked me today

I was playing Scrabble with ny grandmother, and she had 88 points. I only had 34, and said "You're at 88, and I'm not even 40!" She said "You'll be 40 in a matter of years."

πŸ‘︎ 34
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πŸ‘€︎ u/danarbok
πŸ“…︎ Aug 18 2014
🚨︎ report
Bert and Ernie were daytime radio hosts for Twenty years.

Bert and Ernie worked together as daytime radio hosts for over twenty years. They'd traded jokes, played pop music and generally made peoples lives a touch brighter as they trundled to their workplace.

Now though, there was a silence on the air. Ernie silently reread the fax from civil defense. As licensed broadcasters, they were legally obligated to alert the public, to tell them that several nuclear missile launches had occured, and that in a few minutes all the world's troubles would be over. But what was the point in that? To torture people with the knowledge of something they couldn't change?

Ernie looked up at Bert. Their eyes met and a decision was reached. Bert put on their most requested song, a sugary top 40 tune, while Ernie produced a bottle of bourbon from under the desk. As their producer banged on the locked studio coor, the colleagues toasted the end of a long career.

Bert. always the consummate professional, turned away as the first explosion split the horizon. He straightened his tie, tucked in his shirt and brushed his hair back. He would meat his fiery death with dignity.

He turned to Ernie and said in a quiet, resigned voice, "How do I look, Ernie?"

Ernie walked slowly over to his friend. He hugged his companion, released him and studied Bert's face. He saw the closeness they shared, all the long years tying them together, and the strength of their relationship. He took a deep breath, with tears streaming down his cheeks. He spoke in a quiet, broken tone:

"With your eyes, Bert."

πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheSoupSlapper
πŸ“…︎ Nov 14 2021
🚨︎ report

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