mushroom pun but i need approval because it’s 3AM and i can’t tell the difference between fungus and fungi

why was the mushroom worker so fun to be around? because he was a fungi

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Amimations
πŸ“…︎ Oct 29 2020
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Don't call KFC at 3am

Because it's closed

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πŸ‘€︎ u/DSF100
πŸ“…︎ Jul 27 2020
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My neighbor rang my door bell at 3am. Can you believe it!?!?

Luckily I was still up playing the drums.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/bringojackprot
πŸ“…︎ Jul 04 2020
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I introduce to you, my thoughts at 3AM
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πŸ‘€︎ u/neckbeardsamurai
πŸ“…︎ May 15 2020
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One that came to me in a 3am epiphany. Better when spoken aloud.

There’s two astronauts on a shuttle. It’s going smoothly when one astronaut noticed something wrong with the engine. He turns to the other and says β€œHey, something seems to be wrong with the engine. You think this could be fatal?” The other astronaut replies:

β€œAs tro hope naut.”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Arachnica
πŸ“…︎ Jun 14 2020
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3am thought: if a weighbridge somehow got stolen...

... would the police conduct a large scale search?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/td941
πŸ“…︎ Jun 04 2020
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What do you call an alarm clock that always goes off at 3am in the morning?

A [beep]ing nightmare.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Atlantic14
πŸ“…︎ May 26 2020
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3am jokes be like
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πŸ‘€︎ u/UnknownDefeat
πŸ“…︎ Jul 29 2019
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Every morning at 3am, I have to get up and go to the bathroom. I guess that’s why they call it the wee hours of the morning.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheProcesSherpa
πŸ“…︎ Jun 11 2019
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My deaf-mute postman has such a tough job. He starts work at 3am. In summer he gets attacked by dogs and in winter he has to brave through sub-zero temperatures. But in spite of all this....

I’ve never heard him complain

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πŸ‘€︎ u/NameViolation666
πŸ“…︎ Mar 01 2019
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Me and the boys out at 3am looking for BEANS
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πŸ‘€︎ u/nedegame
πŸ“…︎ Jun 17 2019
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What's the difference between dad humor and 3am humor?

Timing

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Baconator137
πŸ“…︎ Aug 03 2019
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What's better than a bag of shredded cheese at 3am?

..2 bags of shredded cheese at 3am

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πŸ‘€︎ u/HypertoastR
πŸ“…︎ May 08 2019
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Why is waking up at 3AM like a pigs tail?

It's Tw'early

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Albatraous
πŸ“…︎ Sep 25 2015
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So, it's 3am, I'm at Denny's...

The bill comes, and after a night of heavy drinking all anybody has left is loose change.

We (about 6 people) split up the bill and count our change onto the table.

Waitress comes by, sees that were settling the bill, and she says, "do you guys need any change?"

Without missing a beat my bearded husky inebriated friend returns, "yes, dimes and nickles will suffice"

The waitress was not amused.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/5eight13
πŸ“…︎ Jul 01 2015
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When I say commerce

You know I mean business

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MushroomLatte
πŸ“…︎ May 20 2020
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If a King mattress and a Queen matress had a baby, what would it be called?

An heir mattress

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ArielSilvermoon
πŸ“…︎ Oct 26 2019
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My wife gave me the perfect set-up on early AM flight.

We were both pretty tired since we woke up at 3AM. When we get to our seats, I pulled out my e-reader. My wife looks at me and says "How can you read?"

"Well, I guess I would have to thank my parents for teaching me when I was a kid..."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/declanrowan
πŸ“…︎ Jul 06 2015
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What did the scotsman do after his wife left him?

He kilt himself

(From r/3AmJokes)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/nickagero
πŸ“…︎ Jul 24 2018
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Stolen from a friends Facebook post

OK... so did you ever notice how every time you spend 4 days alone in the woods and you make it out without a scratch or even a mosquito bite, and you're feeling all peaceful and relaxed and at one with the universe, you're not home 20 minutes and unloading the back of your truck when you slam your right shin into the trailer hitch... and amid the flashing white stars around you, your fists clench, your teeth grit, your body tenses and every "mean, nasty and ugly" word you ever read, heard, uttered or even imagined ("Wait... is #*&%#@!!! even a word??? Oh what the heck? It works!") goes tearing through your brain.... and eventually it passes and you keep working, surprised you're not even limping and it doesn't hurt more than it does... and almost an hour later, when you're finished and getting undressed to take your first hot shower in days, you see a lump on your shin the size of Rhode Island... and the first image that pops into your head is John Merrick yelling "I AM NOT AN ANIMAL!!!... in fact, it literally looks like a second knee on your right leg... so you spend the rest of the evening keeping it elevated and icing it on and off, alternating between a blue gel pack and a bag of frozen peas.... and when you go to bed, you keep the gel pack on while you read and then take it off before you go to sleep... and then you wake up around 3AM and decide to check your shin and the swelling has gone down quite a bit... but since you still have several hours before you get up, you decide to ice it again... but the gel pack on the floor is no longer cold so you get up, walk to the kitchen and open the fridge... and after taking a bite of leftover pizza from last night (because... well, you're here and what the heck?), you go into the freezer, grab the bag of frozen peas and take them back to bed with you... but they're all frozen into one big solid ball and well, that won't do... so you lay the bag on the bed to pound it once or twice to break them up, but instead the bag bursts open and suddenly there are frozen peas sprayed all over the bed and rolling onto the floor... and all those words from yesterday come rushing back into your head as you kneel to gather them all up... but suddenly your anger completely vanishes and you can't help laughing to yourself as you think, "gee, I can't remember the last time I pea'd the bed in the middle of the night"???

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Markwittz
πŸ“…︎ Sep 09 2017
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The greatest prank call I ever pulled off

I was an ER tech in a fairly busy inner city hospital for a few years. On one unusually slow night, around 3am, I called up to labor and delivery from an outside line. The conversation went like this:

"Labor and Delivery Nancy speaking"

"Hi I have an unusual problem and I am hoping you can help me."

"OK what can I do for you?"

"Well a couple weeks ago my wife and I had a baby boy who was born with an extremely rare condition. You see, he was born without eyelids."

"Oh my goodness!"

"Yes. Well at your hospital there they tried a new experimental treatment. They used the foreskin from his circumcision to create eyelids for him. Have you heard about this procedure?"

"OH MY GOD! No! I haven't!"

"Well everything was going great and he seemed to be healing well but when he woke up this morning, he looked a little cockeyed..."

"..........."

"COCKEYED!"

<click>

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TurnTheTVOff
πŸ“…︎ Aug 29 2015
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Atop the Sydney Harbour Bridge, my dad pulled this one off

Dad: So how many climbs do you do in a day?

Tour guy: Today I have three. We've never had a full 24hrs, come close to it though. One day I started at 3am, and finished the next morning at 1am, we then had another tour at 3am.

Dad: I guess you could say that you almost bridged the gap.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/QueerlyPerfect
πŸ“…︎ Dec 07 2015
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