2 Step Puns

Step 3: prophet.

I guess I wasn't much of a police detective.

For example:

Mum: Your cousin is having a baby this Christmas. Step-dad: Everyone else is having turkey though. Mum: sigh

Mum: Guess what was in iceland today. Step-dad: Freezers.

The list goes on.

When I can, I take steps to avoid them.

Step 1: Tell a dad joke

I took my wife to the orchestra. I'm not a huge fan, but it was her birthday present. The evening was a night of Rachmaninoff.

It's been an evening, and they get to his 9th symphony. It's a longer piece, and there's this whole movement where it's all percussion and wind instruments. The bassists leave the stage, and two cellists also step away. No big deal. The cellists apparently went back to the conductor's dressing room and began having sex, which I think is just awesome. The bassists went to the green room and started drinking. They knew how long they had. When one of the younger guys noticed the time almost up, an older one stopped him, and let him know that he threaded the score pages together, forcing the conductor to vamp and cover while he opened the rest of the score. That gives them a bit more time. When they get back to the stage, they're really drunk. The cellists still haven't returned. The conductor is frantically trying to undo his score while maintaining the piece. I'm watching this all, gleefully. It's the best concert I ever saw. My wife is a bit frustrated though, and whispers to me "why are you so pleased?"

I tell her, "It's the bottom of the 9th, the score is tied, the basses are loaded and there are two out!"

That would be a big step forward

So I’m going to start taking steps to avoid them

How to outsmart a polar bear.

Step 1. Cut a hole precisely 6 foot in diameter in the ice.

Step 2. Place peanuts in 1 foot increments around the hole.

Step 3. Hide behind something close enough to see hole.

Step 4. When the polar bear has his back to you ( distracted by delicious peanuts ) sneak up behind him and kick him right in the "icehole!"

(Sorry if this has been posted already.)

They notice a sign for the watchtower challenge. They ask the tour guide what it’s about and he says “if you can drop your watch from the top of the old watchtower and catch it before it hits the ground, you win a million in gold to take home.” The Englishman goes first, drops his watch and runs down the steps, but he’s got no chance and his watch is completely broken. Then the Scotsman tries: he throws his watch up as high as he can to get more time, but his watch also smashes on the ground. But then the Irishman goes. He drops his watch and casually strolls down the watchtower steps. He goes straight over the road for a couple of drinks at the pub, and plays a game of pool. He then walks back over the road, waits a few minutes and catches his watch. The tour guide asks, “how did you manage that?” and the Irishman says “it was easy… my watch is an hour slow.”

My daughter will be 4 in December and I've been teaching her jokes involving animals and the sounds they make. I had taught her;

What do ducks eat? Quackers

What's a cows favourite place to go? To the mooovies.

She thought they were hilarious and for the next few days I would ask her to tell me a joke and she would repeat one of these jokes and we would laugh together. I asked her this morning to tell me a joke expecting one of these same jokes that she knows, then she took me by surprise by asking;

Why was the sheep on the naughty step?

I was taken aback and wondered where it was going, so I replied;

I don't know. Why was the sheep on the naughty step?

Coz he was a baaaad boy.

Few moments of stunned silence then me and the wife looked at eachother, then burst into fits of laughter while my daughter beamed with pride. Her twin brother is often on the naughty step for being a 'bad boy' and I'm thinking that she has put 2 and 2 together and came up with infant/toddler comedy gold. Very clever, and very proud dad.

They snuck from their beds in the middle of the night and met in the gloomy darkness in front of the house, shivering in the cold.

The first boy said in a loud whisper, "You guys bring anything?" He slid a gun out of his pocket. The second boy nodded and revealed a knife. The third boy pulled out a flashlight.

"You didn't bring a weapon?" the first boy asked. He shrugged and replied, "Sorry". And as if to prove it, he turned his pockets out to show nothing but stray lint and a pack of cough drops.

They crept in. The door shut behind them. It was pitch black and stone quiet. They were suddenly starting to regret this dare. The flash light clicked on. The aggressive darkness and inky black yielded with grudging compliance but always seeming to push back. They moved cautiously onward amid the dust and cobwebs. The floor creaked. They breathed in tight, quick breaths. You could hear a pin drop.

Suddenly, there was a deep moan. "OOOOOOOOUUUUU". It seemed from below them. The house had been abandoned for years. Who or what could make such a sound? The boys looked at each other, but continued on, hearts pounding in their chests.

As they proceeded into the kitchen they encountered a swarm of flies. Buzzing and beating their necks and faces, they rushed and stumbled to the door on the other side, not stopping to see what they were truly feasting on. They slammed the door behind them. Maybe a dead body? But no way were they going back to find out. And again came the sound, "ooooOOOOOooooOOUUU" but louder this time, and closer.

They proceeded through the dark into the dining room. They found a fully set, ornate dining table covered in cob webs. Dust-covered regal goblets, pitchers and silverware adorned the table. Spiders crept over ivory plates. Clearly a house of privilege and set for a grand feast which never happened.

Or, perhaps, met a fatal end?

They pushed on. But again that unearthly howl.

"oooooOOOOOOOOOOOUuuuuUUUUuuUUOOOOooo".

They found the basement staircase, and from below, the sounds seemed to be emanating. Could they proceed? Would they? Did they dare? Two of the boys looked at each other, faces filled with worry.

But the third said confidently, "We're going down there." Not wanting to seem the weaker, the other two boys steeled themselves and nodded.

The stairs creaked and groaned evily under their feet. The rickety banister shook in angry defiance. Insects and vermin scattered underneath them with every step. They were descending into hel

So I take steps to avoid them

It's just sleeping with extra steps.

There were two doctors being aggressive with one another, to the point they almost came to blows. I stepped in and asked them both “what’s the problem here docs?”. The first doctor says “I don’t believe in appointments so whoever comes through the door first I see them.”to which the second doctor replies “he’s really testing my patients!”.

How do you get a giraffe into a fridge? (In 3 steps)

1. Open the fridge
2. Put the giraffe in the fridge
3. Close the fridge

How do you get an elephant into a fridge? (In 4 steps this time)

1. Open the fridge
2. Take the giraffe OUT!
3. Put elephant in
4. Close the fridge!

How do you get a lion to take an elevator?

... No steps this time, daddy, he took the elevator!

At first, I didn't believe the rainbow would even hold me. But she held my hand as I stepped onto the outermost ring of color, and to my amazement, I didn't fall through.

But then she moved across the rest of the rainbow much faster than I was ready for. Soon she was dancing on the violet ring, and I could barely even see her.

I texted her: "Hey. Could you please come back and help me?"

But she left me on red.

I was lost in the woods for three days, with nothing but raw caterpillars to eat.

But then I stepped upon civilisation... Boy, I tell you it was like I had butterflies in my stomach!

Reddit wouldn't let me get into my account until I put on a cowboy hat and danced.

I'm not a big fan of their Two-Step Authentication.

He said, lunges would be a big step forward.

The regular sized ones keep accidentally stepping on them.

I'm taking steps to deal with it.

Now he’s my step dad

But, I'm taking steps to avoid them.

I've taken many steps to avoid them

I said that’s impossible, Labor Day is in September!

(New dad of a 3 week old, trying to step into my new role)

It’s a step by step guide.

just take some steps to avoid it.

He’s been apprehensive of elevators all his life

He’s been taking steps to overcome it.

It asked the bartender to not disclose it's whereabouts to it's owner who was about to step in.

You have to be careful not to step in a poodle

Step 3. Prophet.

Step 3: Prophet.

So I take steps to avoid them.

That would be a big step forward.

That would be a big step forward

It’s a big step forward

That would be a really big step forward.

That would be a big step forward😃

that would be a big step forward!

Step 1

Step 2

Step 3

Step 6

Step 12

Step 24

Step 1 Step 2 Step 4 Step 7 Step 10, 14, 19

It's a big step forward for her

I am going to start taking steps to avoid them

That would be a big step forward

There are numerous steps I'll have to take to avoid them.