Zingers Puns

Dad: What did Tom Petty say at the Pearly Gates?

Me: Oh no, dad, please don't. Too soon..

Dad: He said, "Oh I.. want back down, oh I.. want back down."

Me: *facepalm*

My dad said that if my mother was Jewish, I would have to do anything he said. I asked, "Why?" he then answered with "because you half Jew." (Have too) Comedy gold dad, gold.

One of my coworkers asked my supervisor how she stayed so tan. She replied by saying, "Oh, I have a little Indian in me." I jumped in and said, "What's his name?"

The cherry on top was that one of my other coworkers started laughing and said, "Hey, that's something my dad would say!"

My sister was telling me about she met her boyfriend on Tinder (I haven't met him yet). I told her it was a good thing she wasn't Dora the Explorer. After a beat where she gave me a confused look, I explained. If she was Dora, she never would have been able to swipe right.

I was answered with silence and an eye roll that suggested I was going to hell. I only grinned and basked in her hate.

Me on the phone with my dad - "I got a cat!"

Dad - "What's it's name?"

Me - "Susan."

Dad - "So it's a girl?"

Me - "Of course...her name's Susan. Do you think I'd name a boy cat Susan?"

Dad - "No...I suppose that if it was a boy, it would B. Anthony."

Good one, Dad...

At my brother's wedding, the wedding party were all given sunglasses with flashing lights around the rims.

Grandpa: What are those?

Brother: They're "seizure glasses"

Grandpa: I seizure glasses, but what are they?

I went to mass during the week, the priest was taking rubbish so I poured Bleach on him and he phoned the police for Bleach of the priest.

Dad: Whatcha reading?

Me: Reddit

Dad: Why you readin it if you already reddit?

We were watching a documentary about the ocean. At one point they described the process of clown fish "vaccinating" themselves to the sting of the anemone by exposing themselves to it from birth.

My dad: "Jenny McCarpy is outraged."

So my family are eating Christmas dinner together a few days early, when my mum innocently asks for the stuffing. Dad turns to me, "hey mate, your mother wants stuffing!". I lost my appetite.

Spouse: I'm out of staples. I didn't realize how often I used my stapler until I ran out.

Me: I guess you could say, they're a real staple...

Groans were had...

This son wheels his 80+ year old dad into the pacemaker clinic and the nurse yells "HOW ARE YOU FEELING?" The dad reaches out his hand and whispers "with my fingers."

So we were driving up the highway and an 18 wheeler with a trailer full of ladders drives past. She says I wonder where it's going. Without skipping a beat I retorted with "high places"

Groans ensued.

I went to my parents place today for lunch, during the course of the meal, the conversation turned towards my cat and his goings on, I mentioned a problem he's been having with peeing on my couch, probably due to separation anxiety because it only happens when I'm out of the apartment for extended periods of time. Upon hearing this, the following exchange occurs:

Dad: We don't have that problem.

Me: (Assuming he's referring to their dog) Yea? That's good.

Dad: Yea, your mother was on a cruise all of last week and I didn't pee on the couch once!

It was a birthday dinner for my fiance. We're all finishing up our food and chatting. I mention this woman I don't like: "... Seriously she was rude, testing me and my limits." Dad interrupts. "What grade did you get?" Ha.