Do you Know why Will Smith used an open hand instead of a fist ?
Because only paper beats rock.
Thanksgiving is around the corner. You could go with turkey, but I recommend duck instead. So good roasted or fried..but whatever you do, dont smoke it.
Too many quack-heads in the world already
My wife said, “Why don’t you write a book instead of your stupid word play jokes?”
I said, “That’s...a novel idea.”
My friend developed a video streaming app that rejects every choice you make, and plays random Russian videos instead
Instead of saying you have food poisoning, say your internal checkbook isn’t balanced…
You have more going out than you do going in…
For her birthday I bought my wife an alarm clock, that swears at you instead of bleeping....
She's in for a rude awakening.
Did you hear about the German woman who refused to wear a fancy gown to the Gala, showing up in jeans and a T-shirt instead?
She was dressed to the Neins.
What do you call a group of doctors who use Google instead of books and journals?
What do you call a spouse that disconnects instead of divorces you?
Wife-i!
Louise if you read this please come back. I didn't mean what I did in the DQ. I was having a manic episode.
What happens if you use salt instead of gunpowder in a rifle
You know why I prefer drinking from a bottle instead of a can?
Do you know why Clark Kent was a mild-mannered reporter instead of a landscaper?
Because every time he worked with grass, he fought Sod.
My wife said "Since you're tired, why don't you go to bed instead of sitting on the couch"
To which I replied "But it is sofa away"
In the car my son said “Dad, look at that mail truck!” And I said “How do you know it’s male instead of female?”
What do you call a farmer who takes seeds out of the ground instead of putting them in?
Ex-seedingly bad at his job.
You know, I was going to get a refund for my laptop. But instead I think I’ll go hit the CEO of the company in the face with it.
Dell never know what hit him.
Did you ever hear about the police unit that had a drug duck instead of a dog?
It was excellent at detecting quack
Joke from my ten year old: what do you call it when you like steamed rice instead of fried rice?
If you received an F instead of an E on your astrology assignment this week, don't worry, everyone is receiving old scores
Mercury is in retro grade
If you couldn't celebrate 4/20 yesterday, you can celebrate it tomorrow instead.
I believe instead of 911 or 112, in case of a medical emergency you should call 12345678
Because that's the proper First Aid number
What do you think would be different if men peed from their balls instead of their penis?
For starters, peanuts wouldn't have been named peanuts
What is it called when you sue someone for giving you a gluten free cake instead of a regular one?
What do you call a waterfall that goes up instead of down ?
What do you call a guy that herds reindeer instead of cattle?
Did you hear that they're replacing two letters of the alphabet? Instead of T, you have to say "Clowns". Instead of V, you need to say "Jokers". I refuse to use them, but I was singing the alphabet when they changed them, so I have a problem...
Clowns to the left of me, Jokers to the right, here I am, stuck in the middle with U.
What do you call a tree that has feathers instead of leaves?
You know why they call it jelly instead of jam?
Because it's so hard to get it in the jar.
What happens when you call 119 instead of 911?
The cop car comes in reverse
There's a South American country where they have a rare pepper. Instead of being hot when you eat it, it makes your mouth feel cold.
It's called the Chilly Chile Chili.
Have you heard what Japan have instead of alphabet soup?
[Visual pun] This is what happens when you go to a cobbler instead of a ferrier
What do you call the risk of tipping $50 instead of $5?
Sometimes I get tyred of normal jokes and make puns instead. They are quick, easy, and don't put you under pressure. Sometimes, they can be very flat. They can be as light as air, or as heavy as steel. All in all, puns really punp me up!
Made a dadjoke instead of a sale. Wooden you?
We sell wooden soap dishes, made of various kinds of wood, as part of our business. When I get asked which is our best seller, I pick one up and say "This one is real poplar."
The other dads in my Zoom meeting today may have been a bit jealous. I mentioned how my adolescent daughter has been so generous and nice during quarantine while I use the family computer for work, instead of her wasting time all day, watching YouTube. I have to say,
I'm glad to have the no-vid kind teen.
You know why theater people say "break a leg" instead of good luck?
Because if you do, you'll end up in a cast!
What do you call a unicorn with a corn cob instead of a horn
Have you ever wondered why it’s better to shake paint instead of stirring?
Because this way, it will bond better
Do you know why cows have hooves instead of feet?
My wife: Why don’t you stop telling terrible dad jokes and write a book instead’
Me ‘Oh, that’s a novel idea
My wife said, “Why don’t you write a book instead of your stupid word play jokes?”
I said, “That’s.....a novel idea.”
For my birthday, my kids got me an alarm clock that swears at you instead of beeping.
That was quite a rude awakening.
My wife: Why don’t you stop telling terrible Dad jokes and write a book instead?
Me: That’s.....a novel idea.
What do you call a waterfall that goes up instead of down ?
My wife just told me, “Why don’t you write a book instead of your stupid word play jokes?”
I said, “That’s ...... a novel idea.”
Her: Why don’t you write a book instead of your stupid word play jokes?
Me: That’s a.....novel idea.
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