You & I Puns

"So there is pontiac. Porsche. Packard.. You know what a Packard is, dont ya? Or is that a little before your time? How old are you? So you know what it is then, right?" So he sets up the joke incorrectly by not giving me a chance to name any. But to him, this joke is SO funny, there is no way to make it unfunny. ".. well none of them because they all start with gas." Then he turns and acts like he is about to walk out of the store, like he dropped the proverbial mic. So I feign a half smile & say "yep. Gas. Thats a good one."

"namaste in Baltimore, thanks"

they sentence you to a pun.

You know a pun is fully mature when it is fully groan.

Stolen from the book I am currently reading, Dungeon Eternium: Divine Dungeon Series By Dakota Krout

Do you need a pun? Just ask!

I can do puns with just one subject, puns that connect two subjects, pun pickup lines, and pun-chlines for jokes of the form "____ walks into a bar."

Just comment on this post with the subject you need a pun on, and I will get back to you as soon as possible.

Me: I think I measured wrong. The toggle bolts aren't lining up with the darned holes. Man, I really screwed this up.

Her: Did you........make a pun?

Me: concentrating on the task at hand Huh?

Her: Never mind.

Me: gets it Ha! No, but that's awesome! "Screwed" it up. Ha! You're a PunMaster!

Her: You're a dork.

This is a safe place for puns! Leave the dad jokes alone! Or so help me God, you will be punished.

Me: (my usual set up for a bad pun) I am trying to think a of joke about corn

Mom:don't split any hairs about it

Me: Oh shuck you took my pun.

my work names all our salads like a pun... for example a cobb is “cobb your enthusiasm”

anyways, we’re getting a Niçoise salad and they take suggestions for names... any of you have any puns you could think of?

Hello people of reddit i need a huge favor my friend's birthday is coming soon and i need to tell her happy birthday include a pun with her name. So if any of you got a pun it will be awesome.

Her name is Valerie

Sorry for the bad english not my first language

Don't want none unless you've got puns hun!

Days That Are Puns

1/23 - January 23rd reads like 123
3/10 - Mar10 Day - Nintendo's Mario Day
3/11 - There's an awesome band called 311
3/14 - 3.14 is the first few digits of Pi AKA Pi Day
5/4 - May the 4th be with you - A pun on "May the force be with you." AKA Star Wars Day
7/11 - Free Slurpee Day at 7 Eleven stores
9/11 - No intention of being offensive with this one. 9/11 reads like the emergency phone number used in the United States
10/4 - Pun for 10-4, which is similar to saying "roger that"
10/23 - National Mole Day (Avogrado's number) 6.02 x 10^23

Please mention any I missed!

So you like cheesy puns, eh? Well you've Comte the right place. I can Feta bunch of Gouda puns into one Muenster-sized sentence. None of the other tools in the Cheddar quite as sharp as I am, at least when it comes to cheese puns. Whoever will lend an o-Paneer will be in Whey over their heads. So look out Baylough, I'm dropping a Bandal of comedy gold that will make your Bra and Pantysgawn.

A phone company that a family member works for asked their employees to come up with a pun. She's having trouble, so I told her I'd post here for some help.

She needs a pun relating to something like phone, 4g, call, or anything like that.

Example: Phone thugs-n-harmony

Show me what you got r/puns!

Hello ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking.

I've been very busy with personal stuff for the past few weeks, so I've let this subreddit drift unattended. Reading some of the reports and comments after coming back makes me realize that my absence led to some unwanted events happening!

Let's start with the fun stuff: We now have a new fancy rulebook! If you suspect a post of breaking these rules, feel free to report it in the relevant category, or use (8) other if you suspect it to slip through the cracks of one of the other rules.

Secondly, as of right now, we do not have an explicit rule forbidding inflammatory subjects like race, politics, etc, as the rest of reddit seems to be melting down, but so far we remain unscathed. I wish to let you all crack puns like adults without having to put on training wheels, but if any of the above subjects become a problem then I will swiftly revisit this. Consider this a privilege, not a right, and do try to avoid abusing it! Piggybacking off this, any post that is more 'lewd' than PG should be NSFW tagged. If it is inappropriate for an office setting, I will manually NSFW it, and repeat offenders will have consequences.

Third, you can now request puns! start a self post with [request] and put in whatever information is necessary, such as "[request] puns about clocks".

I'll keep this post stickied for about a week or so, to keep it as a nice feedback net, and we can adjust rules, add/delete/modify them as needed, to keep our subreddit of lovely puns in peak condition!

Make an entire comment chain of puns somehow relating to what's on your right. The person who replies automatically joins your game. They must reply with a pun that is related to the same thing. Whoever makes the most puns is the winner. They must be real puns, not just sentences that you say are puns. C'mon, reddit. You can do this. You're like, the website for puns. If I get enough puns, I will draw the pun of the first person to post a pun here (ex. if the first person says, "Well now I'm drawing a blanket," I would draw someone drawing a blanket.) Have fun brahs!

Do you have a pun for the name arianna?

I have written this book to sweep away all misunderstandings about the crafty art of punnery and to convince you that the pun is well worth celebrating.... After all, the pun is mightier than the sword, and these days you are much more likely to run into a pun than into a sword. [A pun is a witticism involving the playful use of a word in different senses, or of words which differ in meaning but sound alike.]

Scoffing at puns seems to be a conditioned reflex, and through the centuries a steady barrage of libel and slander has been aimed at the practice of punning. Nearly three hundred years ago John Dennis sneered, “A pun is the lowest form of wit,” a charge that has been butted and rebutted by a mighty line of pundits and punheads.

Henry Erskine, for example, has protested that if a pun is the lowest form of wit, “It is, therefore, the foundation of all wit.” Oscar Levant has added a tag line: “A pun is the lowest form of humor—when you don’t think of it first.” John Crosbie and Bob Davies have responded to Dennis with hot, cross puns: “...If someone complains that punning is the lowest form of humor you can tell them that poetry is verse.”

Samuel Johnson, the eighteenth century self-appointed custodian of the English language, once thundered, “To trifle with the vocabulary which is the vehicle of social intercourse is to tamper with the currency of human intelligence. He who would violate the sanctities of his mother tongue would invade the recesses of the national till without remorse... ”

Joseph Addison pronounced that the seeds of punning are in the minds of all men, and tho’ they may be subdued by reason, reflection, and good sense, they will be very apt to shoot up in the greatest genius, that which is not broken and cultivated by the rules of art.

Far from being invertebrate, the inveterate punster is a brave entertainer. He or she loves to create a three-ring circus of words: words clowning, words teetering on tightropes, words swinging from tent tops, words thrusting their head into the mouths of lions. Punnery can be highly entertaining, but it is always a risky business. The humor can fall on its face, it can lose its balance and plunge into the sawdust, or it can be decapitated by the snapping shut of jaws. While circus performers often receive laughter or applause for their efforts, punsters often draw an obligatory groan for theirs. But the fact that most people groan at, rather than laugh at, puns doesn’t mean that the punnery isn’t fu

Hi guys, I love this subreddit for its cringeyness but now I must ask a question. Do any of you know any puns with the name Jacob or Yakob to put on the back of my senior highschool jacket (just one word).

Thank you,

You guys like puns and dad jokes? Well boy oh boy, my boy, do I have the comic for you! http://penguinproductions.org/comics?id=1

The comic is still new, so please tell me what you think! I'd love to get some feedback.

Follow Penguin Productions on facebook and twitter for more comics!

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/penguinproductionsapps/

Twitter: https://twitter.com/PenguinProdApps

So as a young child, i had heard through the grape vine that a boy in my class liked me.

Me to my dad: "I like him but he's too short."

My Dad: "Well, better short than not a tall. (Read to sound like "At all") oh dad, you and your puns.

and says “do you have fish cakes?” The chap behind the counter replies, “No”. “That’s a pity, it’s his birthday”.

(It’s a cake day joke....ugh I’ll see myself out)

Me: "But you already own her home."

Dad: -turning to daughter- "If you don't sleep with him, I will."

Credit to u/psybermonkey15

I told her “we already watched that together, don’t you remember?”

I said, “Yes please.”

Waiter: “No problem sir. Today is special.”

Edit: You guys are way too generous. Thank you.

Light blue

Edit: Thank you fellow internet strangers for all the awards!

So, she walks over and takes a seat next to him on the bench, turns to him and says, "Sorry to bother you. I know this may be a little forward but I would love to grab coffee with you some time."

Flattered, the man responds, "Sure... but what makes you so certain you and I would get along so well?"

"Well..." the woman says. "A couple things, actually. I noticed you were wearing an Iron Maiden t-shirt. Iron Maiden are my favorite band of all time. When they went on their reunion tour in 1999, my parents took me to see them in Cleveland. I was 12 years old and it was the first concert I ever went to. I absolutely love Iron Maiden."

The man can't believe it.

"I saw them play Cleveland in '99! First concert I ever went to on my own. My best friend Jimmy Spitz and I told our parents we were sleeping at each others' houses, snuck out, took a bus into the city and saw them play at the Plain Dealer Pavillion!"

Naturally, they're both shocked.

"If that isn't weird enough..." says the woman. "I noticed you're reading Mark Twain. I was a communications major in university and I actually wrote my thesis on Mark Twain and how he used satire as a lens to comment on current events of the time, comparing him to satirical news sources of today. He's my favorite author."

Now the man is really taken aback, "Get out of here! I was an English major in university! I specialized in 19th century American literature and this is like my fourth or fifth time reading Tom Sawyer, I absolutely love Mark Twain."

They both can't believe it...this has got to be a match made in heaven.

"Ok..." the woman says. "Well, buckle up because here's the icing on the cake. I noticed you're eating a prune. Prunes are my absolute favorite fruit. When I was a kid, my grandfather lived on a farm. He had an orchard that mainly grew apples and some lemons, but he knew how much my sister and I loved prunes so he kept a couple of plum trees. Every year at the end of the summer, we'd go up and harvest the plums with him. He'd dry them and by the time we'd go back to his place for Thanksgiving he'd always have those prunes saved just for us. They're my favorite fruit! I love prunes, you're eating a prune, this has got to be fate. What do you say?"

The man puts down his fruit and responds,

"It's a date!"

The woman asked the doctor about her baby.

Doctor: You had twins, a boy and a girl. They're both fine. And, you're brother named them for you.

Woman: No No No! Not my brother. He's an idiot! What did he name the girl?

Doctor: Denise.

Woman: Ohh, that's actually a nice name. What about the boy?

Doctor: deeply sighs Denephew.

One says "Quick show him your cross"

The other priest crosses his arms and says "I'm so disappointed in you"

They crept in. It was pitch black and stone quiet. They were suddenly starting to regret this dare. Stupidly, only one brought a flash light. The aggressive darkness and inky black yielded with grudging compliance but always seeming to push back. They moved cautiously onward amid the dust and cobwebs. The floor creaked. They breathed in tight, quick breaths. You could hear a pin drop.

Suddenly, there was a deep moan. "OOOOOOOOUUUUU". It seemed from below them. The house had been abandoned for years. Who or what could make such a sound? The boys looked at each other, but continued on, hearts pounding in their chests.

As they proceeded into the kitchen they encountered a swarm of flies. Buzzing and beating their necks and faces, they rushed and stumbled to the door, not stopping to see what they were truly feasting on. They slammed the door behind them. Maybe a body? But no way were they going back to find out. And again came the sound, "ooooOOOOOooooOOUUU" but louder this time, and closer.

They proceeded through the dark into the dining room. They saw a fully set dining table covered in cob webs. Dust-covered regal-looking glasses, goblets and silverware adorned the table. Spiders climbed on ivory plates. Clearly a house of privilege and set for a grand feast which never happened.

Or, perhaps, met a fatal end?

They pushed on. But again that unearthly howl.

"oooooOOOOOOOOOOOUuuuuUUUUuuUUOOOOooo".

They found the basement staircase, and from below, the sounds seemed to be emanating. Could they proceed? Would they? Did they dare? Two of the boys looked at each other, faces filled with worry.

But the third said, confidently, "We're going down there." Not wanting to seem the weaker, the other two boys steeled themselves and nodded.

The stairs creaked and groaned evily under their feet. The rickety banister shook in angry defiance. Insects and vermin scattered underneath them with every step. They were descending into hell, they knew, but none would turn back.

And the sound: "oOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUuuuuUUOOOO". Now loud enough to fill not only their heads but seeming to claw at their very souls!

Now at the basement door! The antique, crying squeak of the hinges eeeeeeEEEEEEEEEEee made the boys wince and almost cover their ears. But they had to know. WHAT is making that horrible, terrible sound?

"ooooooooooOOOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUoooooUUUUUUUOOOOOOO"

In the center of the basement lay an unholy coffin! A twisted artistic expression of murder, decay and

I guarantee you,no one has ever heard them before.

Daughter: "Quarantine."

Me: . . .

Daughter: "You don't get it. It's an inside joke."

I replied: “No son, but have you seen my dad glasses?”

I turn to her and say “I bet he don’t have the guts to do that again”

Edit: holy shit y’all this blew up. Thank you master dads. I feel worthy

“You have an outstanding bill!”

What does it mean when you find horseshoes? It means a horse is walking round in its socks!

I am so proud of her! Edit: wording.

It's as bad as the last two jokes you heard Combined.

(My son just told me this one 💪)

E: I misspelled "Fibonacci" in title🤦

“You know, one would have been enough.”

You need to let that mango.

The iRoll

Edit: thank you kind strangers for the awards! I told my wife we've struck gold and she immediately upgraded to the newest iRoll v2 software!!!

..you could call it an Autumnobile now !

The guy behind the counter said to my dad, "Are you going to put it up yourself?".

Dad replied, "Don't be disgusting, I'm going to put it in the living room."

“It’s a pleasure to serve you, Mr. Hasselhoff”, said the bartender.

“Just call me Hoff”, he replied.

“Sure”, said the bartender, “no hassle”.

You know the drill

That would be admitting 2021

[Edit] Thank you so much for the awards and upvotes!

Thank you for your cervix.

When an eel bites your hand, And that's not what you planned, That's a moray.

When our habits are strange, And our customs deranged, That's our mores.

When your horse munches straw, And the bales total four, That's some more hay.

When Othello's poor wife Becomes stabbed with a knife, That's a Moor, eh?

When a Japanese knight Uses his sword in a fight, That's Samurai.

When your sheep go to graze In a damp marshy place, That's a moor, eh?

When your boat comes home fine And you tie up her line, That's a moor, eh?

When you ace your last tests Like you did all the rest, That's some more "A"s!

In New Zealand you see An aborigine, That's a Maori.

Alley Oop's homeland has A space gun with pizzazz, That's a Moo Ray.

A comedian ham, With the name Amsterdam, That's a Morey.

When your chocolate graham, Is so full and so crammed, That s'more, eh.

When you've had quite enough, Of this dumb rhyming stuff, That's "No more!", eh?

The assistant asked me, “Will you be putting that up yourself?” I replied, “No, I’ll be putting it up in my living room.”

She stops and ask "What?"

- "Your speed!"

She glares at me and says: "Dad, you lost something!"

- "What?"

- "Your hair!"

Oof.

True story.

You seakelp

I can't tell you how much this award means to me

“YOU, ow?” The cat replied in disbelief. “ME-ow”

Date: So, what do you do?

Me: * holds up menu * you just pick one from this picture book of meals.

You jacket.

Gen A.

Edit: thank you for the award!

not what you think

I'll tell you this— It ain't over easy.

Let me know if you wanna take a quick gander

I said, “You’re the ones blocking!”

Because you can always be our bi-son, and even if you don't feel like shooting straight, we will always be trans-parent with you. You are loved.

The street performer notices the four men are very far to the back and cannot see, so he stands on a box and continues his performance while asking, "Can you all see me now?"

"Yes."

"Oui."

"Si."

"Ja."

You can see right through them

Abracadabra you are a sandwich

You get fat. What, were you expecting a pi joke? Reddit doesn’t have pie days!

She said. Our cars aren’t social distancing! You don’t want them to get ...CARona virus do you?

Proud moment.

"When was the last time you ate a monkey?!"

You planet

You've probably never heard of herbivore.

You'd think it was "R," but it is really the "C."

Alright so my boss is opening up a sort of delivery only Vietnamese vegan restaurant but we need a catchy name. The other brands we have are mostly sort of fun/hip vibe with puns galore.

We have a 90s hip-hop theme for the main brand with word play on Straight Outta Compton, Biggie Smalls, Tila Tequila and other sort of millennial references in the name of the restaurant and menu items. This one wouldn't need to fit this theme but just to give you an idea of what my bosses are into.

Give me your best 😋

I'd tell you one but none of them work

You have probably never heard us

So my 1st Born came into this world on Monday night and we were discharged on Thursday. Upon leaving our room, we were given a metal cart to place our belongings on including our son (in his car seat). As we made our way to the garage, I noticed that when the cart was rolling his car seat would rock a bit. I took this opportunity to exclaim “hey (son’s name) you’re really rockin’ ‘n’ rollin’ now.” My wife then truly realized what is in store for her.

I'll let you know

Every day he searches through and finds nothing but papers and wood scraps and other junk. Never anything of value.

Finally one day, the security guard is set to retire, so he asks the guy

"I know you were stealing something, but I could never find out what. Today is my last day. What the hell were you stealing?"

"Wheel barrows," the guy answers with a sheepish grin.

edit: spelling

Me: clenches fist

Wife: don’t you dare

Me: face turns red

Wife: ........

Me: hi Gay, I’m dad.

Admitting you don’t have a problem.

You must be a Simpson then.

I hope this appropriate to ask here. I am going to create a mental health support group on Facebook for Australian/New Zealand dental students and am needing a catchy/punny name. Currently there exists two mental health support groups that I know of on Facebook, both for dentists and not students. One is called Mental Dental and the other is called The Mental Block (alluding to the mental nerve in dentistry), so obviously I can't use those.

I'm not great with word games/etc so really appreciate any help. Thank you!

You'd be hiding something in plane site.

He said, "Look at my hair. It used to be so magnificent, but it's completely gone now. My hair can't be saved. But look outside at the forest. It's such a lovely forest with so many trees, but sooner or later they'll all be cut down and this forest will look as bald as my hair."

"What I want you to do..." the man continued. "Is, every time a tree is cut down or dies, plant a new one in my memory. Tell your descendants to do the same. It shall be our family's duty to keep this forest strong."

So they did.

Each time the forest lost a tree, the children replanted one, and so did their children, and their children after them.

And for centuries, the forest remained as lush and pretty as it once was, all because of one man and his re-seeding heirline...

It's true! When was the last time you ate a bird?

You might have heard of it. It's called Tryopenin.

Lumberjack: And you will dialogue

She laughed and said, "No, this is an old-fashioned watch! You have to look at it!"

Seriously now, how low can you go?

'Are you the friar? ' I asked him.

'No, I am the chip monk' he replied.

Edit : Holy crap ! More than 1K updoots for a silly joke ? Thanks guys ! I am not sure whether to be proud or ashamed of myself.

You had to be a complete dick.

There are two ninjas. The first ninja looks at the second ninja and says "Hey, can you hand me that throwing star over there?"

The second ninja says "shuriken!"

The son asks.....

"Dad, can't you just use a sponge?"

Unfortunately, the doctor cut a little too deep and the man's organs began to spill out onto the operating table....

...

...

"Well, it looks you have a table of contents now" says the medical assistant.

What do you call a deer with no eyes? No eye-deer. What do you call a deer with no eyes or legs? Still no eye-deer

She replied “the ball is round daddy” (with a straight face) So I tell her “no, what I mean is, get mad! I want you to hit the ball really hard like if you were mad at it!”

She grabs the ball, stares right at it and says “I’M REALLY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU, BALL!” Then throws it right back at me.

Proud dad moment.

You boil the hell out of it.

You're welcome

I said my goodnights but in return I got "Are you a broom?" "I'm sorry, what?" "You look sweepy"

You need to let that mango...

😁