Waiter: I see you glass is empty, would you like another one?
Dad: Why would I want two empty glasses?
I'd like to tell you my favorite tongue-twister.
I made a joke about the song Staying Alive and how it sounds like women singing. Apparently many of you didn’t like it.
Hereby my sincere apolobeegies!
I thought you folks would like this
My wife said, "You act like a detective too much, I want to split up."
"Good idea!" I replied. "We can cover more ground that way!"
A widow is mourning at her husband's grave site. A gentleman walks by and says "If you don't mind, I'd like to say a word."
"That would be nice" she said. "Plethora"..... "Thanks, that means a lot."
A piece I just finished working on, hope you all like it :)
Would you like to know how I got from Iraq to Afghanistan?
Do you know why I like windows?
You can always see right through them.
You wanna know what I don't like about babies?
They're all born with da fetus attitudes.
You know, it seems like every time I kill a gnat, another one appears.
So, I guess you could say they're appearing at the drop of a gnat.
I said to my can of pineapple, "I don't like you."
I was driving with my dad when we passed a cemetery. My dad goes in a low, dark, creepy voice, "I know something about this cemetery that you don’t.” And I was like what is it? He continued, "The people living in this town can’t be buried here.” I was really confused so I asked why?
He rasped, "Cuz they’re still alive!"
Like a good Grandpa I share with my 12 yr old Grandson the amazement of r/dadjokes regularly. He thinks you all are totally cool. I told him there is much power here. How? He asked. Let me demonstrate... With the diahrrea song.. I'll start.
Some people think it's gross but it's really good on toast. Diahrrea...
I’m a delivery driver that delivers bread products, whilst on my round today a gentleman dropped this on me.....”looks like you have the best job” he says, “why is that?” I ask, because you must be loaded with dough!!!
I was checking out at the grocery store today and the bagger was holding my stuff over the shopping cart and asked: “sir, would you like to go out with the cart?”. To which I replied “oh, no thanks I’m actually married”. My poor son looked mortified. Dad joke status ACHIEVED.
I made this little Honeymoon pin, get it? Honey- moon? hope you like it! (:
I finally got the Spotify cake. You guys like my posts right?
I would like to share you this joke about peanut butter but I won’t.
Because you might spread it.
I heard you like Pearls Before Swine
Hydrogen: Helium, how do I become like you?
I decided to invent a time machine you wear like a belt
It turned out to be a complete waist of time
Wife: I know you don’t like olives, but there are so many in this salad. I can’t get them out.
I burst into the kitchen and shouted at my wife, "Honey! Whatever you do, do NOT let them take your temperature on your forehead when you go into the supermarket!! It erases your memory!! I went in for bread and milk like you asked..."
"...and came out with two cases of beer!!!"
I glanced up, called my daughter over to the computer and said, "Hey, you like jokes right? Come here and check this one out!"
Did you know I like dad jokes about eyes?
The cornea the better.
Well, I didn't make that joke. But being a pupil of dad jokes, iris I thought of that one.
In times like these, laughter is essential. I don't have much, but for the ever vigilant mod team and you, the subscribers of /r/DadJokes, please allow me to offer this open letter...
I thought you guys would like this
Do you know what I like about nuns?
4YO Daughter (frowning): “Baba, I don’t like you”
...”I love you”.
Oh, the timing, bless her comic soul.
Do you know why I like egg jokes?
I hope you like my senior pictures.
Cause the people at the retirement home did.
My wife pointed out to me all the weight I’ve gained lately. She’s like “you cannot even see your penis anymore!”
I’m like “that’s not true, I caught a glans every once in a while.”
"Attention passengers: I'd like to personally welcome you to my first day as a railway conductor. Not to worry though, you're in very capable hands...
I've been training for this."
you guys know how i like to tell my dad jokes?
well i cant because he's not here
You know, I really hate companies like EA
Pay £2.99 to view punchline
I like jokes that make fun of accents. You like jokes that don't work in text form.
I thought you'd like this one.
I don't carrot all if you don't like it...
An oyster says to her boyfriend " I feel like I can really open up to you."
“I’d like to prescribe you a topical ointment for your skin irritation,” my doctor said.
“Woah, woah, doc,” I said, “Let’s not make any rash decisions.”
You know what I like about working at the morgue?
People are just dying to get in.
I was driving with my dad when we passed a cemetery. My dad goes in a low, dark, creepy voice, "I know something about this cemetery that you don’t.” And I was like what is it? He continued, "The people living in this town can’t be buried here.” I was really confused so I asked why?
He rasped, "Cuz they’re still alive!"
Did you know I like dad jokes about eyes?
We were eating dinner tonight, when my daughter said to me, “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another one?”
I said, “Why would I want two empty glasses?”
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