- Tera (while eating dessert): I miss you dad...

- Tera's dad: Teramisu too

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dubaidadjokes
πŸ“…︎ Jan 13 2020
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Do you know what I miss?

Small targets that are very far away.

πŸ‘︎ 847
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πŸ“…︎ Mar 24 2017
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Dear Braille, I miss you.

We'll be in touch soon.

πŸ‘︎ 28
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TommehBoi
πŸ“…︎ May 22 2019
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I once told my dad you miss 100% of the shots you don't take -

He said not when you're hungover - then you miss precisely 0% of the shots you did take!

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/phish_tacos
πŸ“…︎ Apr 14 2019
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You know what I miss?

My target, about 25% of the time. I'm not a very good shot.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dementeddr
πŸ“…︎ Sep 03 2014
🚨︎ report
You know, as I get older, there's one thing I will always miss

A small target from a long a distance

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jumperclown
πŸ“…︎ Sep 05 2017
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I was driving absentmindedly and my wife suddenly said, β€œHey, you missed a right!”

I said, β€œThanks babe. You Mrs. Right!”

πŸ‘︎ 96
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Dec 08 2020
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What do you call a fish that’s missing it’s i’s?

A blind fsh

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/imkindaspiffy
πŸ“…︎ Oct 14 2020
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My wife sometimes has trouble thinking of the right word for things. This morning, she asked me "what's it called when you have no bars?" Without missing a beat, I told her...

"Prohibition." She wasn't as amused as I was, I'm afraid.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/EngineersAnon
πŸ“…︎ Aug 01 2020
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A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller.

He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patty Whack.

"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."

Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.

Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.

The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"

The bank manager looks back at her and says, "It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."

πŸ‘︎ 8k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mama_Bear15
πŸ“…︎ Jan 12 2021
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When I got to work this morning, my boss stormed up to me and said, "You missed work yesterday, didn't you?"

I said, "No, not particularly."

πŸ‘︎ 25
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rav4xle
πŸ“…︎ May 29 2020
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My 5yo blew us away with this original that he came up with all on his own. What do you call two ice dragons?

Twice dragons.

Update: honestly thank you everyone, you guys are totally making this kids day! Distance learning in kindergarten has been rough and he misses seeing his friends pretty hard, so when I told him about this (I was able to use β€œWreck-It Ralph : Ralph breaks the Internet” and buzz tube with likes/hearts as a reference) he’s been smiling from ear to ear nonstop since! A million thankyouβ€˜s for the kind words and awards.

πŸ‘︎ 226
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jruff84
πŸ“…︎ Feb 01 2021
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What do you call a tricky woman whose initials are P.B.?

Miss Lead!

..Y'know, because Lead is Pb on the periodic table..? All of my friends (okay fine, all one of my friends) just stared at me when I told him.. Thought you folks might appreciate it a little more...

πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ‘€︎ u/pthelynese
πŸ“…︎ Jan 15 2021
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I don't know why you missed getting a free corpse at the cemetery.

The sign was a dead giveaway

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BunzarTheFuzzy
πŸ“…︎ Oct 08 2019
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People say having a missing toe makes you more easily agitated with people, but honestly I’m more chill.

Guess I Lack toes and Tolerant

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DeoNite
πŸ“…︎ Feb 24 2019
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Out-dadded by my 5 y/o niece

I'm staying at her mothers house, and she said, it's only 8:30 pm and everyone's already ready for bed.

My niece chimes in and says, "not me.", to which i respond, "You don't count."

Without missing a beat, she said, "Yes i do. One, two, three, four."

πŸ‘︎ 9k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/redneckvet
πŸ“…︎ Oct 05 2020
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Did you hear the one about the homing missile launcher?

Well, I wouldn't want you to miss out!

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kornfanja666
πŸ“…︎ Jan 12 2021
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A guy walks into a bar to find pieces of meat hanging above him…

He asks the barman about it and the barman explains, β€œIf you can jump up and hit one, you’ll get a free drink, but if you miss, you have to buy everyone a round!”

The guy looks up and ponders for a minute then replies, β€œNah, the steaks are too high.”

πŸ‘︎ 22
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πŸ‘€︎ u/snrckrd
πŸ“…︎ Dec 22 2020
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What did the sniper say to his girlfriend after they broke up?

I won't miss you!

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Santosh_Devadiga
πŸ“…︎ Dec 19 2020
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weird flex
πŸ‘︎ 6k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JelKcajiahTie
πŸ“…︎ Feb 21 2019
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Things my gf would miss

I had a conversation with my gf about what we would miss most, if one of us was to leave.

She said she would actually miss my dadjokes.

Gotta tell you, did not see dad coming.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/KamikaZeMetal
πŸ“…︎ Nov 30 2020
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You really should try archery while blindfolded.

You don't know what you're missing.

πŸ‘︎ 46
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Joesdad65
πŸ“…︎ Dec 05 2020
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A guy walks into a bar and sees 3 pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling

Guy:"Whats this about?" Bartender:"Well, if you can jump up and slap the meat, you get free drinks for the rest of the night. If you miss, you pay for everyones drinks for the next hour. You wanna do it? Guy:"Nah, the steaks are too high."

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ“…︎ Oct 13 2020
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So proud of Miss 4 - true Dad Joke!

Took her to the park today as it’s a stunningly beautiful day here in NZ.

She was on the swings and I went on the swing next to hers to show how to swing her legs properly....

I said β€œweeee” as I swung higher and higher as she was laughing.

Miss 4 said β€œDaddy, you should have gone before we left”...

So proud!!

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DannyGere
πŸ“…︎ Oct 05 2020
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It's better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all

Your golden skin. The way you smelled like heaven. The way you felt in my hands. The way the sun glistened on you. How everyone loved you. You were never expensive on a date. You looked good with anything on. I will miss you pizza slice that fell into the sand

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/NoMoreTerritory
πŸ“…︎ Oct 01 2020
🚨︎ report
My friend said he could dodge a bullet

R.I.P, I wish i could say that i missed you my dear friend.

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Slymood
πŸ“…︎ Oct 14 2020
🚨︎ report
Physical dad jokes
  • Pretending to pick fleas out of my kids hair and then eating them.
  • Waving back at people who clearly aren't waving at me.
  • Intentionally missing a high five.
  • Pressing the car horn when I'm in the passenger seat and the teenager is driving slowly past other people.
  • Answering "Yes dear" in a falsetto voice when one of the kids yells for mum.

What else have you got?

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ“…︎ Oct 07 2020
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A man takes his seat at a football world cup final. He looks to his left and notices that there is a spare seat between himself and the next guy.

MAN: "Who would ever miss the world cup final?"

GUY: "That was my wifes seat. We have been to the last five world cup finals together, but sadly she passed away."

MAN: "That's terrible, but couldn't you have brought another family member, friend or someone else with you?"

GUY: "No...They are all at her Funeral!"

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ball5deeper
πŸ“…︎ Sep 05 2020
🚨︎ report
Hey dad, how do you feel?

I feel with my hands.

That was my dad’s go to, directly followed by: dad: can I make you a sandwich Me: sure Dad: (does magic hands) poof you’re a sandwich

It’s almost 3 years since he died. I miss his joke every damn day.

πŸ‘︎ 158
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πŸ‘€︎ u/grokm3
πŸ“…︎ Apr 30 2020
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This story is about a man called Trevor, and his obsession with tractors.

Trevor loved tractors. And I mean, really loved tractors. Forget any obsessions or high-level interests you may have, chances are they pale in the face of Trevor’s love for tractors.

Every day Trevor would get up, in his tractor-themed bedroom in his tractor-themed house, with its tractor-themed wallpaper and tractor-themed carpets, and he would make his bed with its tractor-themed duvet and tractor-themed sheets. He would go downstairs in his tractor-themed pajamas into his tractor-themed kitchen, with its tractor-themed tiles and cupboards, and he would eat his breakfast while perusing the latest tractor-themed magazine or annual.

Trevors’s degree in Agricultural Engineering hung on his living room wall, along with a copy of his thesis, which centred around (you guessed it) tractors. The living room was decorated with all sorts of tractor-related trinkets, including die-cast models, paintings and drawings.

The hedges in Trevor’s front garden were trimmed in the shape of tractors. His lawn was vividly decorated with tractor-driving garden gnomes, and his garden furniture was constructed from various parts from vintage tractor designs.

Trevor just had one thing missing from his otherwise tractor-centric life; he had never actually owned, nor driven, a real tractor.

Not for his lack of trying, of course. Trevor had been to many tractor shows over the years, and visited many farms with friends of his, but none of the tractors he had seen had ever been quite right. Trevor was so knowledgeable about tractors that every single one he had come across had possessed some hidden trait that he wasn’t keen on. His first experience of driving a real tractor had to be perfect.

One day, Trevor was flicking through one of his favourite publications, Powertrain Quarterly, when there was a knock at the door. Trevor answered, and it was his friend and fellow tractor enthusiast, Jeff.

Trevor welcomed Jeff in, and over tea and crumpets served on tractor-themed crockery, they discussed the merits of aluminium drawbars and front-end loaders. Eventually Trevor pressed Jeff to explain the reason for his visit.

β€œWell” said Jeff, β€œAs I’m sure you know the convention comes to town later”.

The convention. Trevor had been thinking of little else the past three weeks. The neighbouring town annually threw a convention for farmers, particularly farmyard machinery. There would be combine harvesters, lawnmowers, and of course, tractors.

β€œYes of course” replied Trevor

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ShredderSte
πŸ“…︎ Aug 07 2020
🚨︎ report
[Meta] love for you jokester dads

The only think I miss about my (otherwise awful) father is his sense of humor. Thank you from the bottom of my heart (and the top of my face palms) for every groaner, pun, and repeat.

Love,

All us fatherless (for whatever reason) redditors

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/cakeweefs
πŸ“…︎ Aug 09 2020
🚨︎ report
A church was hiring a new bell ringer

And they interviewed an applicant named Stan. Stan had no arms due to an accident so the hiring manager asked how he would ever be able to do the job.

"I'll show you",said Stan.

They walked up flight after flight of stairs to the Bell tower all the while the manager wondered how Stan would ever be able to do the job. His questions were soon answered when after reaching the Bell tower, Stan took off running striking the bell face first. Gooong goes the bell. Stan picks himself up, takes off running face first at the bell, Gooong.

"Hold, on. You'll hurt yourself."

"I'm tough," said Stan, " "and I really needed this job"

"Ok," said the manager, leaving Stan to do the job.

All day the bell rang on the hour correctly and the manager thought too soon that he had misjudged Stan. Finally, at six in the evening there were only three gongs, then a commotion. Going out to see what was going on he found Stan dead on the street below. Apparently he had become disoriented from head trauma and missed the bell entirely falling to the street below.

"Who was this man, Who was he?" asked the crowd.

Not wanting to admit liability for the accident, the manager said "I don't know."

"But his face sure rings a bell"

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/a_pos-tmodern_man
πŸ“…︎ Aug 18 2020
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[True story of Dad] The cat

I used to have a black cat named Big Guy. When I left for college, he stayed with my parents. One day I got a call from my mom and she mentioned he was missing. They hadn't seen him in a week. He was an indoor/outdoor cat and would occasionally disappear for a few days, but a whole week was unusual.

Anyway, I was bummed. I was set to visit the next week and was looking forward to seeing my cat.

I flew home and... it was weird. Now they had two cats! Both black. And Big Guy was back! But... why two cats now?

So here's the dad part. My mom started to really miss him. My dad saw this and went to the local shelters to see if anyone turned him in. He said, "After the 3rd one, I pretty much gave up."

So then my mom said, "So your father got another cat he thought looked "close enough" and tried to convince me it was Big Guy. I said, 'Have you lost it? This cat is a GIRL!'"

Then Big Guy came home.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/billbixbyakahulk
πŸ“…︎ Aug 16 2020
🚨︎ report
In Need of Pun Artists

Dear Reddit Community,

I need a pun that includes the word senator for my upcoming student election. I figure the wit of 382K people can't fail me. Thank you for your service. Owl miss you.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/GuyManGuy24
πŸ“…︎ Apr 23 2020
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How do you check if a sniper loves you?

He misses you.

πŸ‘︎ 110
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πŸ‘€︎ u/moonie-me
πŸ“…︎ May 21 2020
🚨︎ report
Have you guys tried blindfolded archery?

You don’t know what you’re missing!

πŸ‘︎ 146
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πŸ“…︎ Apr 16 2020
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My first dad joke here (shortened version)

Rowan Atkinson is travelling through mexico , decides to have lunch at a local restaurant. He orders a burrito . when full Rowan still has a little bit of food left on his plate , he takes his plate up to the waitress and says "that is the nicest burrito I've ever had, thank you" The waitress points at Tthe left over food and says " but you missed a bean"

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Creative_Mud
πŸ“…︎ Jun 22 2020
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Last night at dinner, we were eating sushi, so I asked my wife, "What do you call refusing to incriminate your salmon?"

She swung and missed (getting to "Pleading the fifth" before eventually ending up at "Salmon the fifth?").

Then my 5-year-old daughter asked, "What was the first word you said?" and when told it was "Pleading," she said, "It would be 'Pleading the FISH'!"

I've never been so proud of her.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JoshSamBob
πŸ“…︎ Jun 26 2020
🚨︎ report
Good pickup line to use at the hairdresser's...

"...excuse me miss, do you comb hair often?"

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/KW-DadJoker
πŸ“…︎ May 17 2020
🚨︎ report
Funny 'Dads Anonymous' story to share for the holiday weekend.

"Welcome everyone to Dads Anonymous. Again my name is Bill and you will notice that we have a new member, please welcome Gary -- Can you tell us what brought you to us today?"

"Well I have a very embarrassing confession. It's even hard to get the words out."

Bill reassures him, "We are all dads here and have been meeting for decades, we've been through all the highs and lows, births and deaths, tragedies, we've heard it all. Just tell us what's on your mind son, we are here to support each other."

"Well, a couple months ago, I broke both my legs in a motorcycle accident and couldn't walk, so I let my wife use the lawnmower." He says through the sobs...

Bob, one of the other dads, starts to get pale. "...and she didn't even cut it in a crisp geometric pattern, it was just random..." Bob starts to sweat and get dry heaves. "YOU BASTARD", he screams. "HOW COULD YOU LET THAT HAPPEN." The dads rise and get ready to beat the crap out of Gary, when Bill stands between them and breaks it up.

"Guys! Guys, we all get weak sometimes and things happen outside our control. Doug, you remember when you were in recovering from Chemo and you gave your wife a hammer, and she used it to hammer a roofing nail into the drywall to hang a picture!" Doug, looks down in shame, "Yes, that was a bad day, I was so weak. She missed the stud and left a dent in the wall, and she just hung the picture over it, crooked!" There was dead silence. "Thats ok Doug, it was twenty years ago, you were young and foolish, you can let it go". Then all the dads shook hands and sat back down.

Bill starts the meeting up again. Then Gary says, "..theres one more thing, Right after I got out of the hospital, she wanted to make a special dinner for us, so I let her grill the steaks..." "OH LORD THIS CAN'T BE HAPPENING!" screams Dave, another dad, his face turning red. Gary continues "...she burnt them one one side and they were dry and chewy." Now there is a bedlam, one dad immediately passes out cold, chairs are thrown, broken bottles, Gary is on the ground being kicked in the ribs. After a few tense minutes Bill managed to get the dads off of Gary. "Stop it, Dave you're killing him. Come on, you remember that time you let your wife go to the repair shop for an oil change?" Dave hung his head, and muttered yeah. "They convinced her to change the cabin filter, wiper blades and the radiator collant..." Bill kept prodding "and, aaand" ...Dave broke down, "and she bought a jug of blinker fluid!" T

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/KW-DadJoker
πŸ“…︎ May 24 2020
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I've been torturing my daughter with jokes for years now

And here they are

In case this is your first time here (I haven't posted in a while), I find jokes here and elsewhere on the internet (and now my friends have started sending me jokes), and I text them to my daughter. I then capture her reactions for those sweet, sweet internet points.

Thanks very much to the original joke submitters. You dads are alright. If you missed any of the previous episodes:

Vol. 1

Vol. 2

Vol. 3

Vol. 4

EDIT: Since this is blowing up, I may as well mention that the young lady in question just passed her driver's license test this morning! Everyone congratulate her!

Also, thanks for the gold.

πŸ‘︎ 13k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/geoffevans
πŸ“…︎ Jul 30 2018
🚨︎ report
I was driving on the highway and the wife said "You missed a right"

And I said "Thanks babe, and you're Mrs Right"

πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HellsJuggernaut
πŸ“…︎ Feb 21 2020
🚨︎ report
[On the highway] Her: Hey, I think you missed a right.

Me: Thanks babe. You Mrs. Right!

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Mar 30 2020
🚨︎ report
[Driving on the highway] Her: Hey, I think you missed a right.

Me: Aw, thanks. You Mrs. right!

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ May 17 2019
🚨︎ report
While I was driving, her: Honey, you missed a right.

Me: Thanks babe. You Mrs right.

πŸ‘︎ 39
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jun 09 2018
🚨︎ report
A Frog Walks into a Bank

A frog walks into a bank and approaches the teller, whose name plate says Patricia Whack.
"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $50,000 loan to take a vacation."
Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name.
"KermitΒ Jagger. My father is Mick Jagger. It will be fine to authorize the loan, I know your manager."
Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.
"Sure, how about this," said Kermit as he produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed. Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.
Patty walks into the manager's office and proceeds to tell her, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $50,000, and he wants to use this as collateral." Patty holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"
The bank manager looks back at her and says..."It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/josephlied
πŸ“…︎ Dec 07 2020
🚨︎ report
What did the sniper say to his girlfriend when they broke up?

"I won't miss you"

πŸ‘︎ 107
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Jul 15 2020
🚨︎ report
Have you gotten to try blindfolded archery?

No? Well you don't know what you're missing!

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/clark_creationz
πŸ“…︎ Sep 11 2020
🚨︎ report
What did the sniper say to his girlfriend after they broke up?

I won’t miss you

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/rant-rant-rant
πŸ“…︎ Jul 14 2020
🚨︎ report
A guy walks into a bar and sees 3 pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling. The guy asks, "What's this about?"

The bartender replies, "Well, if you can jump up and slap the meat, you get free drinks for the rest of the night. If you miss, you pay for everyone's drinks for the next hour. You wanna do it?"

The guy replies, "Nah, the steaks are too high."

πŸ‘︎ 8k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/REPOST_STRANGLER
πŸ“…︎ Sep 15 2018
🚨︎ report

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