Working On It Puns

Manager shows up, old stoner dude that's not having it. Karen starts whining and says "But you have to do what I say! The customer is king!" The manager looks at her in the eyes and says, "Ma'am, this is France. We decapitate kings."

But my Croissant wasn't too pleased..

I like being out on my own, an entrée-preneur.

Turned out he pulled a mussel.

I opened the fridge door, the light came on, the beer was cold. What the hell did she mean?

It was about time.

It has it's ups and downs

Horning

I put it on the back burner.

Hahahahahdshshdishsdhh

The movie is going to be called, Monty Python and the Grohly Hail.

The other one says "Aw man, you tainted it!"

I'm surrounded by neigh-sayers.

He's the only man in history who was Stallin and Russian at the same time.

...it's an audible joke spoken in slang. The ingredients are there, but it takes too much explanation

I know I've already ruined it . Bring on the down votes but please help me make it flow better. I've been beating it around since the old 'experience project' days

To be clear, the premise of the joke is that Stallin sounds like "stalling" and Russian sounds like "rushing."

..is it an oxymoron or a paradox?

Oohe.. bonus.. an oxymoron is a dummy who doesn't know how to apply pimple cream and a paradox is footwear worn by skinheads (pair of docs) . ..kinda harsh, huh.. maybe 2 doctors?

Ok, bring on the crickets and the down votes. I can take it...😬🤕😁

Big EDIT: I absolutely mean no disrespect to any Russians, Georgians, Ukrainians, or any Eastern Europeans whatsoever. Or anybody anywhere. ..or any kinds of groups of any kind of people, or any members of the Stalin family, past, present or future.

The other guys say the he is a plane crash investigator.

I guess you could say I tried to turn tables on the Mike Rowe phone.

Because I’m lack-toes-intolerant

I called an electrician to come have a look, thinking the dimmer was broken. He was very thorough and found a huge list of issues that needed to be corrected, but he said the dimmer was working just fine.

Apparently I've got 99 problems, but a switch ain't one.

A major problem.

Needless to say I arrived very tired

. She still regrets letting me name the kids.

All that company cares about is the bottom line.

Tooth or Consequences.

A finnish hymn.

But I'm still working on it.

But then we'd have to go to school every day.

A beloved coworker that always had a dadjoke ready to go suddenly passed recently. We’re ready to grieve him with dadjokes about death. Can your share yours?

I found this one today that I know he would have loved: I hope my coworker is cremated because it’ll be his final chance to have a smokin’ hot body.

Edit: thank you everyone for the dadjokes. Many of these are absolutely dead-on!

If you’re the person at work that greets everyone and has a dadjoke or two, even if people usually groan, you are likely more loved than you know. Keep up the groans!

It's retired.

Or has that ship sailed?

I said "Thanks, been working on it my whole life."

Wife just face palmed and had to apologize on my behalf but I was pretty happy with myself.

Indie end, it doesn't even matter

I was wondering why the ball was getting bigger, then it hit me! Never trust an atom, they make up everything! Long fairy tales do tend to drag on! I made a pun about the wind, but it blows! I had a pizza joke, but it was too CHEESY! I know a guy who collected candy canes, they were all in mint condition! Don't discuss infinity with your math teacher, they'll go on forever! The ability to fly would be so uplifting! My friend's bakery burned down, now it's toast! I was gonna get a brain transplant, but I changed my mind! german food jokes are the wurst! My local A.T.M stopped working and it doesn't make any cents! I miss my childhood friend and he misses me, but our aim is getting better! My friend found out she was colorblind, it came out of the orange for her! What did the duck say when she purchased some new lipstick? Put it on my bill! Towels can't tell jokes, they have dry senses of humor. What did the buffalo say to his son going away to college? Bison! What does a clock do when it's hungry? It goes back four seconds! What's the U.S.A's favorite soda?Mini soda! The bicycle couldn't be ridden because it was two tired! The car wasn't up for being driven because it was completely exhausted!

He decides to break out during the day, figuring the guards will not suspect this. As he breaks through the ground to the surface, he finds himself in a preschool playground. He is surprised, but he rejoices anyway, shouting, "I'm free, I'm free!" At this a little girl approaches him, puts her hand on her hip, and says, "big deal! I'm four!"

It also works on Capricorns and Leo's

Being the picture of grace and agility that I am (not,) I managed to break the middle finger of my left hand and gouge the index finger on my right hand. I work in a public-facing position. My bandages and splint are rather obvious. I am tired of the questions about what happened, so I'm looking for some clever responses. The best I came up with was when my dentist asked, and I told him it was a terrible flossing accident.

Please help.

it's when it becomes aparent.

Let me just start with some backstory. My wife and I recently had an electrical fire due to a short in our dryer wiring. Thankfully we were able to prevent significant damage to our home, but we no longer have a working washer or dryer. I work as an RN on a Medical-Surgical floor and only have three full uniforms. So we have to do a load of laundry at least once a week. In order to make sure I have sanitized uniforms, we have been doing weekly trips to our local coin operated laundromat (Gold’s Laundry). Last week, my wife took our laundry in and washed two loads. While the second load was in the washer, she said she could smell acrid smoke coming from the machine and it abruptly stopped working. Thankfully there was an attendant in the building, so my wife notified them of the issue. The attendant came over and asked her to empty the machine so he could look inside. When she pulled out the clothes, there was a small amount of change in the bottom of the basin. The attendant told my wife that the loose change had caused the issue and that we would be responsible for paying for repairs. My wife felt that it was highly unlikely that loose change could cause the issues and told this to the attendant. The attendant became argumentative and threatened to call the police. My wife told the attendant to go ahead and call them because he was being so aggressive and argumentative. Once the police arrived, they told my wife that she was indeed in the wrong and arrested her for money laundering.

But I’m still working on it

None that's a hardware problem

I can make ice melt with my vision. Still working on getting faster at it, tho.

The teacher asked the boy, "Why did you write this?" The boy replied, "Because you always say that history repeats itself!"

So sleep in.

An overworked elf walks into a bar and orders a beer. "What have you little guys been working on lately?" the bartender asks. "Today we worked on a new design on a special spinning toy," the elf says. "What's it called?" the bartender asks. "I can't tell you," the elf replies. "It's a top secret."

I sometimes go to the “Idiot of the Year” event in our prairie town, where each year hundreds of people from the town and nearby villages gather in the community hall for jokes and a guessing game. It starts with various people coming on stage to tell bad jokes, and finishes with the guessing game, which involves the master of ceremonies pulling a blanket off a mystery object on stage. The first person to name the object gets the “Idiot of the Year” trophy, which is an old shoe nailed to a block of wood. Three years ago, the object was an old bicycle, and Melvin Sneeter, who works in the local hardware store, was the first to yell out “bicycle”. Two years ago, Cynthia Frizzle, a housewife from the nearby town of Spuzzum, was correct with “tricycle”. And last year, the object was a bit more difficult, so the trophy wasn't awarded, because nobody knew the name of that one-wheeled contraption that you must balance and pedal.

He said no. Minors are below average.

I’m still working on it.