Stephan Pastis never stops delivering wicked puns
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rullknufs
πŸ“…︎ Feb 25 2015
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Did you hear about the wick maker and the woodworker who fell in love in the afterlife?

It was a match made in heaven.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sprinklerman123
πŸ“…︎ Jul 17 2022
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I mistook whiteout for liquid Viagra. I woke up with a wicked correction.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/InexactDuplicate
πŸ“…︎ Jun 05 2022
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Where did the Wicked Witch grow her evil soldiers?

In the Guarden!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sir_Pluses
πŸ“…︎ Apr 26 2022
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New kind of candle that you need to turn on to use
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πŸ‘€︎ u/shaunjohn92
πŸ“…︎ Aug 14 2022
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A pencil isn't John Wick's favorite murder weapon.

But I'd say it's definitely #2.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/JoeFas
πŸ“…︎ Feb 18 2022
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in Massachusetts how do they spell booster shot?

A "borcester shot"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/DETRosen
πŸ“…︎ Sep 10 2022
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I hear John Wick temps as a dj

He's called John Wicky Wicky

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πŸ“…︎ Feb 27 2022
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What do you call a wicked doctor from the Middle Ages?

Med evil!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sir_Pluses
πŸ“…︎ Jan 24 2022
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Do you know how will day of John Wick's dead be called?

Wickend

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πŸ‘€︎ u/blackie-arts
πŸ“…︎ Jan 28 2022
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I remember the day the candle shop burned down…

Everybody just stood around and sang Happy Birthday

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πŸ‘€︎ u/okiedokie2468
πŸ“…︎ Aug 16 2022
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Air Wick just received a patent for an air freshener that you can control with your mind...

...seems weird at first, but it makes scents if you think about it.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/KW-DadJoker
πŸ“…︎ Dec 19 2021
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Jesus said he would get rid of wicked people. Odin said he would get rid of ice giants.

I don't see any ice giants around.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/QualityProof
πŸ“…︎ Jul 04 2021
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Why did the candle get a round of applause?

It was scent-sational

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Four4our4
πŸ“…︎ Mar 01 2022
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How many movies about John Wick should we expect?

Seven. The last one's gonna be titled "Wick-End".

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πŸ“…︎ Sep 30 2021
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When a witch went whale watching

This is an original "shaggy dog story" style Dad joke that I wrote recently. Enjoy. :)

The whale watching witch

Remember the story of the wicked witch from Hansel & Gretel? Reports of her death were greatly exaggerated. What actually happened is simply that she retired from being a wicked witch. Instead she decided to become a good witch and travel around the globe by boat. Being a witch, she wasn't very conventional, so she went on eBay and bought herself an ex-navy submarine to use for travelling the world.

One day she decided to go whale watching. Our repentant witch cruised into whale watching territory in the comfort of her refurbished submarine. She neatly surfaced, and manoeuvred her sub into a position alongside several boats that were offering whale watching cruises to rich tourists. Armed with her favourite binoculars, she stood on the conning tower, hoping to get a good view of the action. She soon found herself admiring some giant whales frolicking together in the ocean.

Suddenly, one of the whales headed right for her submarine. Instantly, our friend the witch realized that the whale thought that her vessel would make a good dinner, and was about to swallow it whole. At the last moment, she leapt overboard, just managing to escape, as the mouth of the whale closed over her submarine, swallowing it in one giant gulp.

Meanwhile, one of the tourists on a nearby whale watching cruise had been filming everything. "You'll never believe what I saw!" he cried, "But I got it all on video, and I'm pretty sure it will go viral. I just saw a whale eating a sub sans witch!"

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πŸ“…︎ Aug 25 2022
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What do witches use for research?

Wicked-pedia

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MostDownVotesPlz
πŸ“…︎ Jul 08 2022
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Wicked proud of this one. I was at the store with my sister today and she showed me a lip gloss and asked if it compliments her.

I took it from her and put it up to my ear for a couple seconds, and told her "It says you look very pretty"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Bird_Waterboarder
πŸ“…︎ Jul 23 2021
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What is a candlestick maker's favorite movie?

John Wick

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πŸ‘€︎ u/EgonVector
πŸ“…︎ Jul 20 2022
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John Wick
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheShivanKing
πŸ“…︎ Dec 06 2019
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What is the Wicked Witch Of The West's least favourite leisure park?

WATER WORLD! WATER WOOOOOOORLD!!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/wolfyfancylads
πŸ“…︎ Jun 13 2021
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If a bald guy sells his soul to get his hair back....

He'll have hell toupee.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Dragoness42
πŸ“…︎ Jun 05 2022
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My wife said if I bought her one more stupid gift, she would burn it.

So i bought her a candle.

πŸ‘︎ 10k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheTwitchDJ
πŸ“…︎ Dec 12 2021
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What did the evil chicken lay?

Devilled eggs

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πŸ‘€︎ u/paperglass1
πŸ“…︎ Jun 20 2022
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I work for a candle factory and we’re short of staff - everybody’s on sick leave after the accident

The doctor said it’s professional burnout

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πŸ‘€︎ u/GrabApprehensive
πŸ“…︎ Sep 15 2021
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How do candles fight?

Giving whacks.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/JustAhJiBroPls
πŸ“…︎ Jan 09 2022
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I work part time in a candle factory.

Only on the wick ends.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/HarveyMushman72
πŸ“…︎ May 19 2022
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Did you hear about the new methane-based weapon?

Developed by Lockheed Fartin

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πŸ“…︎ May 25 2022
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What do the Equalizer and John Wick have in common?

Both like schooling bad people (One with a pencil, one with a book)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/banjowashisnameo
πŸ“…︎ Feb 24 2021
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Wicked new DJ
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πŸ‘€︎ u/EstusFiend
πŸ“…︎ Sep 07 2018
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Sometimes John Wick likes to kill quietly.

He piano reaves.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/neopera
πŸ“…︎ Jan 08 2021
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John Wick 4: Keanu Leaves home
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Death_Killer183
πŸ“…︎ Jun 11 2019
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What did the Wicked Witch of the West say when she extracted metal from ore?

I’m smelting!!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/boogerknows
πŸ“…︎ Feb 07 2020
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A man, cursed by a wicked genie, goes to the local prophet for help.

The prophet hands him a six sided piece of paper. Confused, the man asks how it's supposed to help him. "Simple," the prophet says, "it's a hex a gon."

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πŸ“…︎ Oct 27 2020
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What sound does a snail make?

Crunch...

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Bonega1
πŸ“…︎ Apr 05 2022
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Watching John Wick 2 the other night. While Keanu and Common are fighting while both holding the knife the tables turn and Keanu flips the knife around and thrusts it into Commons chest...again while both holding the grip. To which I turn to to my family and say

At least the both have something "in" common.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/PoiSINNEDsoul73
πŸ“…︎ Jul 06 2020
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What is the world's most dangerous candle?

John Wick

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πŸ‘€︎ u/andrewYHM
πŸ“…︎ Apr 15 2022
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John Wick said to the ninja, β€œBet ya can’t hit me with that thing!?”

Ninja replies, β€œShuriken”.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/great_red_dragon
πŸ“…︎ May 21 2020
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The producers of John Wick 3 should come out with a line of promotional sented bathroom candles.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/xilban
πŸ“…︎ Jan 26 2019
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What does John Wick do after people die?

Keanu grieves.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/JoeFas
πŸ“…︎ Sep 14 2019
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Pickle Wick imgur.com/a/wVLHN
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πŸ“…︎ Aug 20 2017
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A pencil isn't John Wick's primary murder weapon.

But it's definitely number 2.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/JoeFas
πŸ“…︎ Feb 09 2021
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