Martin Freeman, and Andy Serkis.
They also play roles in Lord of the Rings.
I guess that makes them the Tolkien white guys.
For parading with my lions
I see a lot of new faces here today!!
Black eyed peas can sing us a song and chickpeas can only hummus one.
The mortician asked the deceased’s wife how she would like the body dressed. He points out the man looks good in the black suit he’s already wearing. The widow however said she thought her husband always looked his best in blue, and she would really like him in a blue suit. She then hands the mortician a blank cheque and says “I don’t care how much it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.” The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe. Remarkably, the suit fit him perfectly. She says to the mortician, “whatever this costs I’m very satisfied, you did an excellent job and I’m incredibly grateful. How much did you spend?” To her astonishment the mortician presents her with her blank cheque, and he says “there’s no charge.” Shocked she replies “no really, I feel like i must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit.” “Honestly ma’am”, the mortician says, “it costs nothing, you see a diseased gentleman about your husbands size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday. He was wearing an attractive blue suit. So I asked his wife if she minded if her husband went to the grave wearing black. She had said it made no difference so long as he looked nice. So from that point on it was really just a matter of switching the heads.”
The difference is like night and day.
'Eye-do'
This is my first post pls don't kill me lol.
The people in the comment section is why I love this subreddit!!
Cred once again my sis wants credit lol
Imma Be
Because Batman always protects goth-ham
That was the punchline
He said, “Change the batteries in your hearing aid”.
Alzheimer, Grandma, it's Alzheimer.
That was before they met Chuck Norris.
Someone says, let’s get this show on the road.
His doc said not to worry, it was just an optical contusion.
Population: U
Boss: Is your car with the mechanic?
Me: Car?
The first guy answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!"
The policeman says, "Well...uh...that's because the picture I showed is his side profile."
Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second guy and asks him, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"
The second guy smiles, flips his hair and says, "Ha! He'd be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!"
The policeman angrily responds, "What's the matter with you two?!!? Of course only one eye and one ear are showing because it's a picture of his side profile! Is that the best answer you can come up with?"
Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third guy and in a very testy voice asks, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?
He quickly adds, "Think hard before giving me a stupid answer."
The third guy looks at the picture intently for a moment and says, "The suspect wears contact lenses."
The policeman is surprised and speechless because he really doesn't know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not.
"Well, that's an interesting answer. Wait here for a few minutes while I check his file and I'll get back to you on that."
He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the suspect's file on his computer and comes back with a beaming smile on his face.
"Wow! I can't believe it. It's TRUE! The suspect does, in fact, wear contact lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute observation?"
"That's easy..." the third guy replied. "He can't wear regular glasses because he only has one eye and one ear."
Because it was a spy-der
..to find exactly 32 of them.
She said, "Airplane? What is it?"
"It's a classic spoof film from the 1980s but that's not important right now."
I'll probably screw it up.
Well, it’s black and white.
http://m.imgur.com/ImM3RWz
Someone posted it about a weak back.
It ended up being a tie
A Wokemon.
said the boxer, moments before he announced his retirement.
Me: “why?”
Son: “Because he had noBODY to dance with”
He’s ten and says he came up with it on his own. I’m so proud.
I will find you. You have my Word.
I don't know son, but your ma might.
Stolen from: Dad Jokes
She said how do you know he was headed to work?
Incidentally, Free Masons are not what they sound like.
An LGBT Queue
I'm sure that must have been a record
Me: Can we change the subject?
My wife: Okay. More chores around the house need to be done by you.
Real Stupid
Black eyed peas can sing a tune, chickpeas can only hummus one.
but the chickpeas can only hummus one.
the Chick Peas can only humm us one!
